LS, have you considered divorce? Here's the thing: you've been married a very short period of time. You are military, and will be away from her for long periods of time from your wife. You have no children. The two of you committed to each other when she was a teenager.

Just something to think about. Let us know.

I have not considered divorce at all. I have a feeling that it is coming but I do not want that. I just think about the way my wife used to before all of this and I feel the love we used to have. WS used to be the best person in the world. She was my best friend. Someone I could share anything with. Someone who would lift my spirits when I was down. She was the one who kept me whole. When we were apart and now that we are apart my life does not feel complete.

I am still am compassionately in love with her even after all of this. She was the perfect gf and then the perfect wife. Im not sure what went wrong we used to be happy and madly in love. I still have those feelings.

L&S

You won't want to hear this but file D and start moving forward.

Most likely by the time your WW crawls back to you, believe it or not you will have moved on and want nothing to do with her.

There are too many good women out there who value M.

If you had kids it would be a different story. But you don't. You can always pull or delay the D if you get nervous.

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She knows you are waiting in the wings for her if she wants to come crawling back.

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The beauty of following Marriage Builders and staying in Plan A for as long as you can emotionally and healthily handle it is that you give your wayward wife a soft place to land should her affair fall apart and she thinks of returning to you.

If your wife never returns to you, then by following Plan A, you will lose your love for her little by little so that by the end of two years, you will be out of love with her and ready, emotionally, to divorce.

Don't underestimate the power of this!

I will not be the one who pushes for D. This is not what I want and will not support that. I don't do divorce I do marriage. I know in time things will get better for me. I am trying to secure myself financially and emotionally. This will all take time.

At this point I am doing things I feel necessary to protect myself. I would love to do Plan A stuff right now but that is not possible as we have zero contact. If my wife ever does make an appearance and not the WS, I will put Plan A in to effect. Until then, I feel contacting her is only making things worse.
Contacting her and never getting a response is only hurting me further.

If and when I do get served with D papers. I plan to drag this out. When the bomb hit, WS told me she wanted this to go as fast as possible. I feel time will help her think about things as this is not a quick process. Give her time to think about what is really happening.

L&S

I just need some feed back. I don't see how I can accomplish any Plan A things when WS is not living in the home nor will she respond to any of my texts?

Please trust us. The important thing is that you're doing Plan A on your side. It really doesn't matter if she responds or not. By doing this, you're giving your M the best possible shot to survive, and someday, to thrive. And even if the worst happens and she never comes back, you'll know you did everything you could.

You have a solid plan. Don't get discouraged. Keep up those little contacts. You're doing good, even if it doesn't show.

Ok so here is an update. On Sunday I noticed WS deleted every picture of her and I off of FB/Twitter/Instagram. But on FB WS still has my last name and still says married to me. I have not text WS since Monday morning. WS has not tried to contact me either. I dont think the texts are having any effect.

I contacted one of WS friends who I exposed to and we talked. She has not really talked to WS about the situation. WS and friend play on a golf league together every Tuesday. Friend of WS said she would try to talk to her.

I contacted friend this morning and she told me the text WS the other day and WS said she didn't really want to talk about it. She did tell me that they had dinner after and she noticed WS background on her phone was still a picture of us.

It is hard to work today as I am trying to figure this out. I guess I am just baffled she has deleted every pic of us on all social media but still has a pic of us on her background of her phone. I would think that was the first thing she would delete.

Last night after a long motorcycle ride. I came home and decided to change my profile pic and background on FB to pics that were not of her and I. It felt right to do, but once again I am second guessing actions.

L&S

I...decided to change my profile pic and background on FB to pics that were not of her

Plan "Tit-for-Tat" will not work for you. Plan A still might.

Does she have any items of yours that could hurt you legally or Physically?

Like guns or knives or anything?

If she views your texts, it can be a love bank deposit even if she doesn't respond. (Even if she responds badly, in fact.)

Also, there are more ways to contact people than just text. Explore some of those. (Write her a letter!)

This is not Plan A. Plan A is investing without expecting a return, while bracing not for only no return, but a loss. Like the garden analogy, if you dig your seeds up every few minutes, they don't grow so well. My mom found that out the hard way with carrots as a child.

You don't have to take our word for it, but what we're telling you gives you the best chance to save your M. What you're currently doing is giving yourself the best chance to lose your M with the maximum pain possible.

If you don't want to follow the advice for Plan A, which is fine and no one would fault you for, then please file quickly for D and move on with your life. This trickle torture will only get you more pain that you don't deserve.

And even if you do decide to D, it's a good idea to stick around. Plenty of folks on here have survived D following infidelity, and this place is still an awesome resource for your own R.

I have contacted the police about my guns. The officer wrote down a description of the guns. He said he can't do a formal report but he can put all the information in the call log. Also, he is going to talk to the WS and ask her to give me my guns back. I stressed to him I did not want this to get nasty. If she doesn't want to give them back that fine I just wanted the police department to know they are not in my possession.

As far as plan A, I really want to do it. I just feel like WS is not lovable right now and is only going to resent me for it. As she has already torn up the love letters she wrote me that I left for her to read. I think about texting her everyday then my mind tells me its only going to make her more angry and push her farther away.

I am having a lot of trouble with this. I go back and forth about Plan A every single day. It sounds good then it doesn't. I am still trying to protect myself financially and emotionally from being hurt any further.

Believe me I do take into consideration everything I read from all of you. I just second guess everything at this point.

Thanks guys,
L&S

Love Bank deposits don't show any immediate effect. There's only an effect after time when they add up enough to cross the romantic love threshold. Then there's a sudden dramatic effect. It's not gradual.

Have you read any of the Marriage Builders books, yet?

As opposed to what? D or limbo


She can't be any further from you than she is now currently.


Plan A, some of it gets through, I promise you. Just b/c she doesn't respond doesn't mean much of anything. People can only speculate. There were plenty of times where my xWW did not respond at all, only to tell me later that she thought about it constantly. How would that not be a win for you in your situation?

You have made it clear you don't want a D, so follow plan A.

Continue to gather what intel you can on the A.

Continue to protect yourself.

And hang in there.

Ok guys, I did not get back on last night because a lot happened and I was very stressed. I just went to bed. WS father came by our house last night. We started talking and he was telling me to let go and move on. I told him I don't want to its too hard. We started talking about POSOM and he said he honestly believes they are only friend. FIL says "my baby girl wouldn't lie to me."

He did say WS asked him what he thought about POSOM. He said he told her "he has a lot of baggage and it will take a long time for him to recover from that. After talking about the situation for a little while he pulled out some paperwork.

It was divorce paper from WS. He tried to talk me into signing them. He kept saying it was the easiest way to get this over with so I can move on. I told FIL I will not sign the papers. I did look over them. WS reasoning was extreme mental cruelty. I was at a loss for words. I have always treated her like a princess. She got whatever she wanted.

FIL then asked me if I had a lawyer. I told him yes. I do not have one at this time but I have a meeting with one next week. He told me to have my lawyer contact her lawyer so I can get a copy of the paperwork.

I had a feeling this was coming but I did not think it would come this fast. It hasn't even been a full month yet. I just am not sure what to do. I plan to drag my feet on this. Do I have to be legally served before I have to respond to D papers? Is Plan A still a good idea at this point?

I am just in shock she had her father come to me and try to convince me to sign the paper. Need help I cant even think straight right now.

I am reading How to survive an affair. I also have His Needs Her needs.

L&S

You have to be legally served. Now, what legally served means can be different from state to state. I'm not saying that FIL giving you those papers was not proper service because I don't know the laws in your state.

However, you must be legally served. In my state, FIL giving you them could be considered legal service. Ask a lawyer in your state.

And yes, I recommend doing Plan A, while continuing to drag your feet on the D. Time is the enemy of the A. A deep, almost unconscious sense of that is often what drives the affairees to rush, before they can change their minds.

Time is your friend. Make it count.