PS Dragging your feet on a D and doing Plan A are likely to make WW very, very angry. That's a good thing. A flaming, irrational WS is actually an improvement to what you have now. It means she's leaving the state of "withdrawal", and entering "conflict".

It's not pleasant to endure, and will probably take some time to develop, but is a good thing.

Did you show FIL the proof you have of their affair?

First off...I presume your FIL was at your wedding and he answered the question "Who gives this woman in marriage" or something like that. You should be lecturing him a little at this point about how inappropriate it is for him to be carrying water for her and bringing you divorce papers. He gave her to your keeping....and as a man he should respect that and be encouraging his daughter to return to you or, at the very least, handle her affairs with you herself. Do not allow him to be the go-between again unless it's to help you save your marriage.

Second, I like how she asks her dad for his approval of OM. It means his approval is still important to her. You need to provide FIL with any and all evidence of the affair that you can muster so that he has no doubt that his daughter is lying to him and that OM is a scumbag he'll never approve of. Don't do it in a bitter or vindictive way...do it almost apologetically saying:

"You told me the other night you didn't think they were even having an affair and I wanted to be sure you had the truth. No matter what happens here I want this all to be dealt with honesty. Here is the much of the information I have about their affair. OM is and will remain a scumbag that is unhealthy for your daughter and my wife. However, you are a grown man that I have always respected and you can draw your own conclusion for the materials provided. If you need or want more, just ask. If you'd like to attend her deposition someday perhaps that can be arranged as well."




Another idea that I've suggested successfully before in situations where the WW won't communicate with the BH is suggesting and/or hinting that the way she's going about things is only going to guarantee a long and protracted divorce case. That if she wants things to move quickly she needs to get real and get honest. A long drawn out divorce case will involve discovery, depositions, interrogatories and investigations. It may even involve a trial if she won't acknowledge her adultery right now and sit down and have a normal honest conversation with her husband. Basically you appeal to her (and OM's) selfish desires to end it quickly by implying that you will roll over and be complacent if she just admits the affair and sits down and talks to you. It's worked in the past. Just don't promise anything. You can drag it out all you want past that...even getting additional conversations with her by dangling the carrot of complacency out in front once more. You see...you are EXPECTED to roll over on this....so playing into that expectation in order to get some face time to Plan A might work.


Your only 28 or so, right? I didn't even get married until I was 30. You'll be OK taking a little more time fighting this out and TRYING to essentially save your wife (whom you've vowed to love, honor and protect) from making this huge mistake with her life. You're going to get a lot of pressure to give up and/or "go dark and save yourself". Please don't listen to it. These people surely care about you and hate to see you suffer. They'll say anything to see you get away from the source of your emotional pain but they don't know squat about saving marriages. Divorce is permanent and, if it happens, you want to be assured hereafter that you did all you could to save it. I've seen many situations on MB turn around on a dime once the affair is busted up. Kill the affair. Harass them within the law. Exposure and Plan A, if and when you can, for just a little while longer.

Essentially...fighting is saying "I MATTER TOO". "I WON'T JUST TAKE IT AND FADE AWAY". No matter how this turns out...standing up for yourself, your wife and your family will, at least, get you out healthy.

Mr. W

P.S. - I'm not saying don't protect your backside. Hire your pit bull attorney and put him to work making this divorce difficult for WW and OM (if possible, many states you can sue for alienation of affection which isn't often a winning claim but it sure threatens and intimidates OM's who are free to seek other more available less drama single women at any time).

I will call around on Monday to see if I can get in with a lawyer ASAP. At this point I am at a stand still until I get legal advice.

I have tomorrow off of work and plan to spend some time with a few buddies. I am going to take this weekend to relax, read and prepare for what is next. I am putting together a list of questions to ask the lawyer. I am not going to push the divorce. I will wait until I am legally served before I take any action. But I will find out what I can and cannot do legally to further protect myself from any harm.

L&S

Another thing...

make YOUR facebook a JOINT facebook. Add her name to yours and add pictures of you and her together.

While she's trying to erase you from her life...you simply contradict the move by adding her to yours.

Infuriating her is NOT your problem. Your problem is her never ending extramarital relationship with her paramour (legal term meaning "illicit lover"). If she wants compliance...she needs to engage you face to face (so you can Plan A her).

Mr. W

Just be careful with drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and it makes you do stupid things. If you do it...make sure UPFRONT you've got someone (hopefully sober) that's accountable for you. This is what you need to tell them.

1. HOLD MY PHONE - Do not let me text or call my WW as I'm bound to say something stupid

2. HOLD MY KEYS - Don't let me drive around drunk and/or try to find my WW or OM in that state.

3. DO NOT LET ME FLIRT OR HOOK UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN - revenge affairs when drinking at this stage of things are almost cliche. Your friends may even think they are helping you move on but in reality you'll be doing the exact same thing she's doing. Justifying adultery. You are married...until you're not. Make sure that no matter what or how much you drink your friends are aware of your intentions and protective of you in this regard. The last thing your situation needs is another woman in it. Please realize too...betrayed men come off as ultra sensitive hurt puppy dogs to women and there are a ton of single women that can't resist a puppy dog. Hang with the guys...avoid the women. They'll be time for that when you are done with the one you still have.

Finding another woman will NOT show her...it will make you the same as her. You want to pull her UP...not allow her to pull you down. Be a man of integrity and honor...nobody ever regrets doing the right thing.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

p.s. - I presumed hanging with buddies meant having some beers, I apologize if that's completely off base and my post doesn't apply. I've just seen it happen too often and then the poster comes back telling us how stupid and legalistic we are for discouraging him from dating while divorcing. Hook up and your marriage is OVER...because YOU will be too foggy to fix it.

This is normal, you have to file on grounds and that is the most common "reason" given. If and when you respond it's basically the same thing.


Don't panic, you can drag this out for months.


Because she wouldn't have been able to do it herself.

My xWW did basically the same thing, left it in my hands. I didn't do anything with it, dragged it out. I would meet her "under the pretense" to discuss it. I'd show and Plan A her to death, then by the time it got around to discuss what we orginally met for she would get so upset/crying she could never follow through with it. It took her months to actually file in addition to a ultimatum being handed down by POSOM to follow through. She waffled the entire time during the process of D. The last time I spoke with her and papers were signed, she still wasn't sure of herself as if a decision had not been made yet, limbo.

The outward appearence of a WS is showing everyone they are happy and or right in their decision, validating that in any way shape or form.

The truth is they are slowly dying inside. Doing everything they can to escape that.

This is so true. I filed and my WW is missing court dates not doing the required paperwork, etc. The reason being is she and the case with most waywards are putting on a charade and fence sitting. Plan A and drag it out (its up to you).

Ok so Friday morning my mom called me and sais she seen WS with OM in her car when she was coming home from work. She said WS looked at her and her mouth dropped. She sped off and took a different route to drop off POSOM.

Nothing else happened Friday. I went on a golf outing with my buddied and enjoyed the day. On Saturday I woke up to a text from WS mom asking for a key to the house to WS and FIL could come het her things. MIL asked me to not be present when they did this. I told her I would not leave the home and there would be no exchanging of keys. Also, I told MIL as long as her and FIL are supporting the A they are not welcome in our home.

FIL texted me shortly after and said they would be here at noon with or without a key. I then called the police and asked them to be on standby. The police officer came and shortly after WS and her family came.

They took all of WS personal belongings. WS also took her bedrooms set from before we were together as she is moving in with her friend. WS also took a lot of decorations from the house and almost all pictures of us that were framed and hung in the house. This is weird to me since she is pushing the divorce why would she want all the pictures of us from before our wedding and pictures from our wedding. She has taken everything of hers from the house.

WS would not even look at me or speak to me. I tried to talk to her and she did respond twice but it was in a very rude tone. Once WS and her family had everything outside I was watching and she started to cry.

I asked the police officer about my guns. He stated WS told him they never left the house. This was true, the police officer told me he was told WS hid them in the attic. So now I do have all of my guns back.

This was very hard for me to see WS and all of her things leaving the house. It seemed to make this more real for me. My emotions are still going crazy.

I exposed to my whole family this weekend and they all couldn't believe WS would do this. They never thought in a million years her of all people would cheat. They told me they would support me in whatever I decide to do. They also told me not to give up my house even if POSOM lives three doors down. They told me not to let other run my life.

A lot has went down in a short amount of time. I guess it is all sinking in and I am starting to get angry about the whole situation. Especially the way her family has been treating me. That really bothers me.

So now its just me and my dog. I am going to ask the lawyer if this is considered abandonment. Since WS has removed all of her belongings from the home. I need to get with my lawyer ASAP.

L&S

Calling the police was a very good idea and probably saved you a false domestic violence charge.

Exposure was also a terrific idea. Your family was right -- DO NOT give up your house. WWs are good at making their BHs give up everything and you don't want to give her any help.

But if you do recover and OM is really that close by, you will have to move.

Your WW is very torn right now. Conscience is assaulting her mind and though it will lose this siege, it will mount attack after attack repeatedly. She will not be free of it.

Vets will have to explain why she would take personal pictures. I'm not sure about that one.

She took the photos to erase you (and your marriage) and to keep you from having or using them. Obviously, you having them bothers her conscious. Not that she cares about your feelings...you having them makes her feel bad about herself and that can't happen so she took them to soothe her conscious.

Her tears were crocodile tears...a show to impress upon her family just how hard this supposedly is on her and reinforce their decision to support her getting away from you.

She's wayward...her feelings are completely selfish entitlement. Don't fool yourself for a second that she has any empathy for you.


You shouldn't have let them in...absent a court order. She'd already "abandoned" you. If the police wanted to negotiate her getting her stuff you should have offered to bag up anything she/they wanted and bring it out to her...but they can't come in. Neither here nor there now.

Your family is not a good place to get advice (neither are wayward infidelity forums but I already explained to you how whorable and counter-productive that is). They care about you and will advise anything to see you not get hurt. Your family is too emotionally invested and biased to be objective. I think you should definitely slap a for sale sign on your house sooner rather than later. If you get a great offer...MOVE...if you feel like staying...STAY, but chances are you aren't likely to save your marriage and moving on and moving out will be the most healthy alternative for you. It's not just about getting out of that neighborhood but getting a fresh start out of that marital home. Besides, on the outside chance you do recover, you'll need to move anyway and not live anywhere near OM and that neighborhood (or your enabling inlaws) so either way...selling is the way to go but you don't have to decide that today.

Do you have copies of those pictures anywhere??? Maybe your parents have a copy of some of them. When you take pictures of your home in order to sell it or if you post a picture of yourself on Facebook it would be awesome to have some of those pictures she took back up on the walls. It eases her mind to erase evidence of you as a couple, don't allow that...because it's a tell that her conscious is bothering her.

Also...while you decided...getting your home prep'ed for sale is a nice little project for you to distract your attention. You've got to keep yourself busy.

There's still hope, but it's tough to see unless and until the affair is busted up. Keep the pressure up....have you exposed OM at his place of employment? What about the old girlfriend/baby mama that contacted you, is she aware the affair continues?? If you ain't fighting to disrupt and bust up that affair then you aren't really trying to save your marriage....that'd be considered limbo while waiting for a recovery to magically happen.

Godspeed,
Mr.W

I am sure that your family means well, but I can tell you from personal experience, that living down the street from POS OM/OW will keep you stuck in the pain and the past. It was a HUGE load off my shoulders to move and no longer have to drive by POSOW house every time I went somewhere. I can't even put it into words.

It is just a house lost_scared.

I have went back and forth about keeping the house or selling it. I have worked really hard to get everything I have and it is just too hard to let it go. I feel like over time if we do get divorced, I will move on and be able to stay in the home.

I have also though if we do recover we will have to sell the home to get away from POSOM and her parents. If we ever make it to the recovery, I have a list of things I will need from WS to see if she is willing to put in the work.

I am not sure what I want to do at this point as far as the house goes. Idk this weekend has been very exhausting and it is taking its toll on me. I have been drained all day. I think I am going to go to bed for now. I can barely keep my eyes open. Thank you all for your support and advice.

L&S

Hopefully it will be back to Plan A in the morning. Ultimately, what happened today doesn't have an impact one way or the other on your chances. Good job having the police stand by, too.

If you still want to try and save this, there's no new reason why you shouldn't. And if so, Plan A it needs to be.

Lost, a few thoughts on the house, from a dude that went through a divorce last year and had to deal with that:

Ultimately you will not want the house. If she comes back you need to get away from POSOM and her parents since they are enabling her. If she doesn't come back, you aren't going to want to stay there and watch this unfold, nor will you want the reminder or triggers.

When I divorced I didn't even want to eat off of the same plates. I still have the same truck and my motorcycle (those were things that I picked out and viewed as mine, but the motorcycle is for sale), the rest of it got left behind, sold, thrown away, or if they were important enough to not destroy, but not something I wanted (wedding pictures, ring) I boxed it up and stuck it in storage.

Knowing this, you may want to figure out what it's worth, what you owe on it, and start thinking about the numbers part, because that will come up in the divorce if she is set on doing that.

If you want to keep it because you think she may want to come back to you, that may work, but it may work just as well if you put up a for sale sign because waywards seem to have this deal where they don't get it until the consequences are being served (which is one of the many reasons for exposure).

ak

Maybe a sign like this would do? Genders changed, of course

Sorry Lost.

I know that process is not fun.

and

to add that to your WW's inability to even face you.

You will have a couple different options when it comes to the house and your lawyer will/can advise on the best path.


Unfortunately early on the hits keep on coming for the BS.

Hang in there.

On a side note, given that your WW has essentialy done everything she possibly can to rid you of her life.

Don't be shocked if she pulls back last minute.

I didn't get on yesterday as it was another bad day. When I got home from work WS and FIL cam by the house. They were asking for WS bridesmaid dress. I told them I thought she grabbed it when she came Saturday and got all of her stuff. This was not a good idea.

WS and FIL searched the whole house. WS asked me "are you sure you didn't hide it cause you are mad at me." I said no I am not mad at you. I am but I wanted to keep my cool and stay confident. After looking around the house WS began to tear up and said "it must have grew legs and walked away. Then they left.

A little while later a police officer showed up. Same one that was at the house Saturday when WS and her family came to get her things. Cop told me he knows the dress want there Saturday and if I knew where it was to tell him. He said if I tell him I do not have it he will have to file a theft report and I am the #1 suspect so he will have to take me to jail. I then went and got the dress and gave it to him.

I know I messed up by doing this. But it is already done. WS was worried about the dress cause its for her brothers wedding coming up. It was weird this was the first time she actually talked to me and wasn't being rude. IDK it was just overall a bad day.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I have noticed I am going to the gym more. It takes my mind off of this for a little bit. Also, I am starting to concentrate more at work and accomplish my tasks. I meet with my lawyer Thursday.

I have a 5 day weekend which is good. I can try to relax. A few of my buddies are taking me camping and tubing for a few days. It will be good to get away with my personal support group.

I still have not contacted WS nor have I been served divorce papers yet. Its coming its just a matter of time. What do you guys mean "don't be shocked if she pulls back last minute."

Thanks guys,
L&S

We all back slide at some point. And this is one of those moments.

Learn from it.

You have to institute some type of boundary at the home.

Her actions are wayward 101

And you will never be successful if you are constantly being bombarded by WW and FIL.

Allow yourself to mentally prepare for these types of situations.


By pulling back I mean....

Your WW is running from you as fast as possible.

And when it is finally nearing the end.

Don't be surprised if she slams on the brakes.

And all of a sudden becomes unsure.

I think that since all of WS belongings are out of the house, I will not see or hear from her anymore. I am seeing how crazy and irrational the WS can be. She is trying to set me up for failure but I will not let that happen.

I cam home today to a letter from WS in my mailbox, along with small bag of things that were mixed in with her things. A few t-shirts my social security card and my passport.

In the letter was a check. The letter stated "Here is a check to help with September's mortgage and furniture payment. I'm really hoping to have this all done by the end of September because I am not going to be able to afford rent and half the mortgage. The bag is full of things of yours as well.

Keep in mind WS has over 12k of our money in her savings account. I don't feel she is honestly trying to help me. I feel like she is doing it to help her with her D case. It just seems really shady to me. Maybe I am reading too much into it. Maybe she does feel bad and is trying to help. At this point I don't know what to believe from her. Again, I turn into "jelly"

I am going to wait and see what my lawyer says before I do anything with the check. Also, the check was signed with her maiden name.

L&S