I have a question that's creating trouble for myself and my wife and would like some help.
My wife is paying back student loans out of a joint account. She transfers $1000 a month to her student loans and when I suggest that to be fair I should also take $1000 from the same account to do what ever with she flies off the rail. I have no debt at all. We are both working she earns $5000 a month and I $6500.She tells me we are saving for a house , what do we do ?

Where would you place yourself in the Buyer, Renter, Freeloader spectrum?

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyer believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Rentersbelieve Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

I guess going by that am a renter

Melody Lane's excellent response gets to the heart of your problem.

Buyers, renters and freeloaders have different goals.

A Buyer's goal is to do whatever is best for the marriage, knowing that the marriage will comfort, protect and support them their entire life.

Renters take each issue separately - asking "What deal is fair for me right now?" - and never thinking about the long term health of the marriage.

Your post seems to imply that you don't care as much as your wife does about where you will live as a couple long term (as a buyer would).

It also implies that you don�t value the benefits you are reaping, or will reap long term, from supporting your wife's education (as a buyer would).

It reads as though you don�t view this as investing in the relationship. That you only care about what you will get as an individual in the short term in order to be 'fair'.

But perhaps I have misunderstood your post. Perhaps you have some amazing long term spending goals for this money you have requested. Goals which will benefit you both as a couple.

So let me ask you; what's your goal here?

What do you want to achieve with the money?

What would you use the thousand dollars a month for?

Would your goal benefit your marriage?

Would your wife agree to your spending goals?

What is you want more than a house?

What can you spend the money on that would benefit the marriage more than a new house?

If your spending plan benefits both you and your wife; and benefits the marriage long term - then I am sure there is a good chance your wife would agree to the extra spending.

However all spending should be done as a couple, not a 'me versus you' spending plan with a 'tit for tat' mentality.

Your wife may be upset, because if you have expressed the issue to her the same way as you have in your post to us - she will be so worried about your priorities.

When you imply you want spending cash with which to benefit in the short term; you imply that you don�t care about long term goals. Then you are sending her a message that you aren't going to be around long term.

A man who appears not to think about long term goals such as the roof over his head, or the benefits he will reap from his wife's education appears to have a very short term view of life.

However if you have OTHER long term goals for spending and the marriage, which are more important than shelter and education, please share them with us.

The goal of Marriage Builders is not to resolve specific problems for you, but to show you HOW to resolve your own problems in a way that makes you BOTH happy and benefits your marriage. That does not involve compromise or sacrifice, but brainstorming to find solutions that make you both happy.

Check this out: The Policy of Joint Agreement

p.s. the policy of joint agreement is how buyers handle conflicts. We can teach you how to do this.

I would use this $1000 as an emergency fund, one which I could treat or reward the wife with dinners or gifts. If ones family was sick or indeed worse this fund could be used to fly us to the incident. You have both given really good
responses and its has sparked discussions between us. thanks

Me too, when I showed up here



Look at PoJA, the policy of joint agreement.

Using this (buyer's) agreement you will make much wiser decisions as a pair than you ever would alone.

Fun time together as a couple would most certainly give a long term benefit. Emergency fund also a good plan.

Just make sure you both enthusiastically JOINT agree.

Welcome to Marriagebuilders!

That is a great start! Is your wife enthusiastic about that? The one thing you should avoid is reluctant agreement. Your goal might be a noble cause, but she must be enthusiastic about it in order for it to work.

All of which is a fine idea, but why would it be linked to the paying of the student loan? Linking the two together is based on a renter philosophy. Rather than that, you need to POJA all of your spending to conform to what you are both enthusiastic about. Stop regarding the money as divided between "hers" and "his", and strive for integration in all aspects of your marriage.

AGree with this. Renters keep score and buyers do what is good for the marriage. Stop keeping score! There is no reason to take out this $1000 if not to keep score. The bottom line is that all decisions should be agreed to with mutual enthusiasm on the basis that it is good for your marriage, and keeping score is not good for your marriage.