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what should I do when my betrayed husband says he doesn't want to be around me and not sure if he can do this (meaning recovery)?
just this afternoon he texted me that he feels good about us. is it normal/expected to have these opposite feelings when you are 1.5 years into recovery? I'm confused. Did he text that he doesn't want to be around you or that he feels good about you? he texted me this afternoon that he feels good about us today. about an hour ago, he said he doesn't want to be around me and that he is not sure he can do this. What's going on? Do you know? we had dropped the kids off with his mother for a date night. we went to dinner and before dinner he said he wanted to buy me a new outfit for tomorrow. after dinner and on our way to the mall, he said he decided he didn't want to buy me anything and he didn't want to be around me. I asked if I did anything. he said not today. he then said he wasn't sure if he could do this. we didn't have any disagreements at dinner or any heavy talk.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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clearmind, would he be interested in talking to Dr. Harley directly on the radio show about his concerns?
Dr. Harley says that when this kind of resentment is still present, it shows that recovery is not complete. Something is wrong in the present, but the temptation will be to blame it on the past. Do you have any idea what his complaints about the present are? What unmet emotional needs are important to him? Any love busters on your part? And do you have any complaints yourself? For complete recovery it is very important for both husband and wife to be getting what they need out of marriage. If something's wrong for you and you just try to "tough it through," that can affect him, too.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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clearmind, would he be interested in talking to Dr. Harley directly on the radio show about his concerns?
Dr. Harley says that when this kind of resentment is still present, it shows that recovery is not complete. Something is wrong in the present, but the temptation will be to blame it on the past. Do you have any idea what his complaints about the present are? What unmet emotional needs are important to him? Any love busters on your part? And do you have any complaints yourself? For complete recovery it is very important for both husband and wife to be getting what they need out of marriage. If something's wrong for you and you just try to "tough it through," that can affect him, too. X2
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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clearmind, would he be interested in talking to Dr. Harley directly on the radio show about his concerns?
Dr. Harley says that when this kind of resentment is still present, it shows that recovery is not complete. Something is wrong in the present, but the temptation will be to blame it on the past. Do you have any idea what his complaints about the present are? What unmet emotional needs are important to him? Any love busters on your part? And do you have any complaints yourself? For complete recovery it is very important for both husband and wife to be getting what they need out of marriage. If something's wrong for you and you just try to "tough it through," that can affect him, too. X2 I will ask 20year later if he would be interested in speaking with Dr. Harley. now is not a good time. the past couple months have been more stressful than usual. the issue with my parents is still weighing heavy on our minds. it has not been resolved yet. the other day he has said that I haven't been proactive in starting intimate conversation with him. he said that is what he needs to feel close to me. I also know we haven't been getting the much needed 15 hours UA. I don't feel I am committing any love busters. I don't believe that is an issue.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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I also know we haven't been getting the much needed 15 hours UA. THAT'S your big issue right there. Why haven't you been getting UA? What can you do to change that?
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the other day he has said that I haven't been proactive in starting intimate conversation with him. he said that is what he needs to feel close to me. I also know we haven't been getting the much needed 15 hours UA. If conversation is also a high emotional need for you, you may be in luck, because that would make it easy to meet. Sounds like mainly you two need to get the time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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we are not making UA a high enough priority. it seems that daily family living is taking priority. I know that needs to change. I agree with marcos and prisca that UA is the big issue.
I just spoke with 20year. he says there are times when he gets overwhelmed with thoughts and he just shuts down. he seems better now than he did a couple hours ago. I am going to sign off here and hopefully we will able to take advantage of the rest of the child free evening and get some good UA time in.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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What can the two of you do to make UA THE priority?
Are you going on dates?
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What can the two of you do to make UA THE priority?
Are you going on dates? as to ua, we just have to make it happen. i believe that is what is slowing our recovery. we are going on dates, but not enough. we try to once a week and we get about an hour or so each evening. we definatley need more ua!
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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thanks brainhurts. 20year and i tried to listen to the links last night but was having trouble. not sure if the ap was having issues??? we will try again tonight.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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thanks brainhurts. 20year and i tried to listen to the links last night but was having trouble. not sure if the ap was having issues??? we will try again tonight. Well, I'm glad it wasn't just me! I wasn't able to get last night or this morning. The site must have been down or something
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as to ua, we just have to make it happen. i believe that is what is slowing our recovery.
we are going on dates, but not enough. we try to once a week and we get about an hour or so each evening. we definatley need more ua! You need to be getting out on dates 4 times a week. Can you make that happen? How?
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thanks brainhurts. 20year and i tried to listen to the links last night but was having trouble. not sure if the ap was having issues??? we will try again tonight. Did you get a chance to listen? What did you think?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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What can the two of you do to make UA THE priority?
Are you going on dates? as to ua, we just have to make it happen. i believe that is what is slowing our recovery. we are going on dates, but not enough. we try to once a week and we get about an hour or so each evening. we definatley need more ua! UA is usually the main thing to focus on, either not enough of it, or not high quality enough when it's done. Yesterday's show had some very good comments toward the beginning about this, be sure to listen when it hits the archives.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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brainhurts,
20year and I just listened to the clips. thanks for posting them. it really reinforces the importance of negotiation.
can you post the link to the show marcos was referring to about ua? thanks.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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as to ua, we just have to make it happen. i believe that is what is slowing our recovery.
we are going on dates, but not enough. we try to once a week and we get about an hour or so each evening. we definatley need more ua! You need to be getting out on dates 4 times a week. Can you make that happen? How? 20year and I are really trying to make it happen. this evening he talked with his mother about really needing her and the rest of his family's help in child care. it really made me happy how serious he is taking this. we got some good ua this evening, have a date planned tomorrow night, taking day off on Friday together, and another date on Saturday night. this is going to be a good week!
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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brainhurts,
20year and I just listened to the clips. thanks for posting them. it really reinforces the importance of negotiation.
can you post the link to the show marcos was referring to about ua? thanks. You're welcome. I sure will as soon as it hits the archives.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
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Here's the show clearmind. How are you guys doing? Radio Clip Segment #2 Segment #3 Segment #4 Segment #5
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 130
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thanks for the clips brainhurts!
We are doing pretty well. we are still struggling with getting enough UA time. a couple weeks ago we had over 20 hours and we could definitely tell a difference.
this wednesday we will start having weekly date nights during the week in addition to our usual weekends. 20year worked out having his cousin come every week. im optimistic that it will make a difference!
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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