Hello all.
For the last 4 months I have been reading multiple threads (from beginning to end); your stories ring resoundingly loud and have touched me.

I never thought I would go through life and experience the effects of an affair. During my former years I have had 3 girlfriends cheat on me, the first time happened when I was 18 - and was my first girlfriend. I do believe this happened for a reason. I felt so horrible that I vowed from that day that I would never cheat on anyone that I was dating and I never did.

Fast forward to this year - my wife and I have been married for a year and the night of our anniversary, she had a physical affair with a co-worker that lasted several days. I had a feeling that something was not right and after looking into her phone - I saw the proof and confronted her. She came clean immediately.

A little background. The OM, I believe marked her from the beginning. They would go to lunches, email, text on a daily basis, more than I would communicate with my wife. He would often comment that she didn't look happy, and that you only live "once" so you should be happy. He has two kids from a previous marriage that ended due to his infidelity. Ultimately, it ended up becoming physical over a period of several days. And while I understand the role he played in the affair, the responsibility lies squarely on my wife's shoulders for making the wrong choices and not having a stronger moral compass

While I didn't know about MarriageBuilders until days later, I instinctively knew that there were some things that needed to be done ASAP (no contact, NC letter etc). After reading MB, I now understand the reason why. At the time she felt I was being unreasonable and irrational.

The good news, is that today we listen to MB radio broadcasts religiously and are working through the marriage builders program (at our own pace). We have set extraordinary precautions, and we are in the process of completing some of the items in "just compensation" - specifically a polygraph (she has lied multiple after the affair that has resulted in 2 DDays). She understands that a polygraph is the only objective measure than can demonstrate a baseline level of truth. Additionally, she has been doing all the right things - with minor hiccups along the way. The biggest hurdle was her ending friendships with male friends who she has known for over 10 years but were previous boyfriends that she had a sexual relationship with. She understood the reason why she could never speak to them or see them again and she has been very supportive of maintaining an environment and safety and trust.

From my end, the affair has taken a serious toll on my health. I've lost weight, got more grey hairs, been sick several times (i get sick once every 5 years at the most), I've been having heart palpitations - which is due to anxiety - which I have never had before. I doubt myself - which is new because I have such a strong sense of self - sometimes arrogant (in my profession being wrong can result in death); I have become forgetful and my memory is sharper than a scalpel - multiple times I have left the burners on the oven, groceries in my car (causing all the food to spoil). I have since settled down and stabilized somewhat, but I realize that I'm not back to where I was before the affair, and I know it will take some time to return to my usual form - and I'm not pushing myself as I understand that increased pressure/stress can exacerbate rather than help heal my recovery. In addition we communicate more often, I pay more attention to her, we have 15 hours of time together a week (its the most we can physically do - our schedules are horrendous), and most importantly I also contribute to maintaining a safe home nonjudgemental home.

Things are slowly turning the corner. I want to thank Dr. Harley, for his words (although we have never spoken), i feel as though he is speaking to us in his radio broadcasts. Each new broadcast is another golden nugget of insight. To all those on this forum helping and sharing, your posts/words are the light that gets through the cracks.

Thank you all. It does get better - slowly but surely, it does get better.

Hi everythingcracks, welcome to the MB forum! I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

Has your wife left her job and ended all contact with the OM?

EC:
If you have been reading on the forum as much as you claim, you will know that MelodyLane is an "elite-status" veteran with gold medal advice.

Your wife must leave that job, and never again have contact with the OM -for life.

Thanks for the compliment, catwhit; but I would suggest that anyone who takes the time to learn Marriage Builders and help others here is an "elite status." They are the backbone of this forum!

MelodyLane - wife has left the job, all contact has been ended for life. She has also ended all relationships with her male friends. We are working on setting appropriate boundaries with male co-workers.

Thanks.

That's true, ML.
However, you especially have a talent for distilling the MB concepts into the exact step the poster needs to focus on next.
Plus, you don't soft-pedal it!

I hope EverythingCracks opens his mind...

Good job, EC!!

It's a process. I look back to where we were 4 months ago and compare to where we are today and its like she was another person - completely unreasonable.

We still have things to work on like her disrespectful judgement - she would say that "today I'm in a mood" when in fact I was not - I was simply asking her for more information about the affair. She often trickle truths instead of being transparent. Being truthful is something that I did not realize that she does not do - even to her friends or parents. So it's new ground for her.

You did good!

ec, I would avoid bringing up the affair because it is an enemy of good conversation and will DRAG out your recovery. Trust me on this, because I made my marriage miserable for a long time by doing this. Everytime you bring it up, you trigger your own feelings and make creation of a romantic marriage very difficult.

Has she told you all the truth about the affair to your satisfaction? If not, I would ask her to do a doc dump ONE TIME so you can all move on. She should be willing to do that if you a) promise to control your reaction and b) promise to never bring it up again.

If you can do this, I promise that you will feel much better much faster. The BS's who continually bring up the affair suffer the most. You don't have to take that path.

Thanks Melody!
I seriously would have not been able to navigate EXACTLY what to do, and why (that's a big deal - knowing why your doing something).
Instinctively I knew that I didn't want my wife to see or talk to him again. I made a whole bunch of demands in the beginning centered around her not going out alone again, not drinking without me, not having brunch alone with her friends again, and after reading through MB it gives more clarity behind these actions and the reason why. It helped tremendously.

Granted it has only been 4 months trying to survive an affair - but it helps having a roadmap to navigate the uncharted wilderness.

Thanks for the kind words of support.

We had a day maybe a week after DD#1 where she was supposed to tell me the 100% truth about what happened - but I keep finding out more details each time. And each time she says that she forgot and didn't remember until I asked her questions it helped jog her memory.

I feel that she is holding things back - and I'm the kind of person who needs to know everything in great detail - it helps me to wrap my mind around the situation completely.

I have not tried to ask her again for the truth - I think I will let the polygraph help establish a baseline level truth. It scheduled for next month (September).

Do you think I should ask her to tell me or write it down?

What kind of questions do you still have? What kind of stuff is still coming out?

Once you have the basic FACTS about the affair, it should be dropped. Where BS's get into trouble is when they start asking about feelings ["did you love him"]and questions of morality,["don't you know right frm wrong? how could you do this to me??"] because then it becomes quicksand. Waywards are in a fog when they are in an affair so questions like that are very much like asking an alcoholic how he felt and what he was thinking when he was falling down drunk. He doesn't know! And most WS's feel inclined to guess, which just gets them into more trouble!

But if there are still critical facts hanging out there, such as other affairs, the length of this affair, where they went, then I would try another approach in addition to the polygraph. I would give her a chance to come clean BEFORE the test and just tell her you expect her to pass the test. Hand her a list of all your outstanding questions and ask her to write them down. Ask for a chance for some written follow up questions and pledge that as long as she passes the polygraph, it will never be brought up again.

What do you think of that approach?

Its not so much questions as it is the truth.
Examples of the things that are still coming out is the night she went over to the OM place she drove drunk. She has been in an accident before due to drunk driving. No one was hurt - but I would figure she would not repeat it (i didn't know her then)


I don't think there are critical facts per se, but I do think there are parts of the story that she is leaving out to spare my feelings, but what she doesn't realize is that by not telling me, it's actually causing more pain.

I could try the approach you outlined. I guess my overall goal is to ensure I have the whole truth. That is my objective.

I really like how this newbie uses the term "We" a lot.

They already seem to be working this program TOGETHER which is the way it's supposed to happen.


Never speaking of the affair is the general rule...but some couples, like myself, spoke about it all a lot...in a clinical sense. It didn't trigger me or my wife. We've spoke to Dr. Harley about it and he called our strategy "flooding". The conversations weren't lovebusters and/or negative at all. We became closer as we both came to understand the dynamics of affairs, our MUTUAL vulnerabilities and how to build a loving marriage of extraordinary care.

We, together, learned and applied MB to our lives and helping other couples together here at MB was our recreational companionship for quite some time. We are on the tail end of our journey here now 8 years later but the skills we shared and learned here will be with us and friends/family in real life for a lifetime and beyond.

Godspeed,

Mr. W


p.s.- you speak of working to manage her relationships with old boyfriends and co-workers but are you applying the same rules to your life? The most likely person to cheat next in your marriage is YOU.

Did she ever write a NC letter to OM?

I quickly learned from MB that having a united front is more effective than being divisive.


That's how I would prefer the dynamic would be between us. But each time we even touch the surface of the affair she becomes defensive then tries to turn it around and claim that I'm attacking her with questions. When I ask her to demonstrate how i'm attacking her - I get silence. I thus conclude that she doesn't want to talk about the affair - which is not a good sign. How can you have remorse and feel shame if you don't recall or remember what your shameful about? And how can we learn from our experiences if we can never talk about them without charged emotions?


With our strong work ethic i'm faithful our efforts will yield the same result - 8 years later


I've thought of this extensively. I view cheating as something worse than murder, or robbery. In fact it's actually in the same bucket of things I would not do (like getting drunk - never been - always a designated driver), and it's actually not all talk. I've been in many precarious situations and still I have always made the moral choice. My wife says i'm judgmental of those who don't have the same or similar strength of moral compass as myself - but I feel we all forge through years the strength of character who we are today. I view cheating as a choice. You can choose to do drugs, choose to drink until your drunk, choose to sleep with a woman who is not your wife. I was in the same relationship as my wife that had low love units being deposited, she decided to seek comfort in another mans arms and bed, while I did not search for another woman. Why is that? It's a choice. With all do respect, but I am most likely to rob a bank or commit murder before I cheat. Some of us have a compass that is fixed firmly pointing north - others are not so fortunate.

Yes, NC letter was written and sent. I thought that the affair and all contact ended on DDay#1 (5/11/2013). What actually occurred, was my wife soon thereafter or on the same day created a fake email address through which they communicated. The affair went deep underground. I had tracking/sleuth software on her phone and iPad so I saw all the communications going back and forth - but it was a month later until I saw the details because it was a entirely different name and email. At this point I wrote a letter to HR and exposed the affair to their respective superiors. The affair ended immediately at that point due to HR's involvement which was extremely swift - and involved their legal department (i suppose that was the impetus for the swift end from both ends)

The wife was leaving the job at that point and we were in the midst of moving a month later. Dont know what became of OM - as my goal was to stop the affair - additional fallout was not my objective.

Edit: I have not exposed to my family and they dislike the fact that we are married. I have told all our friends (hers and mine) and some are supportive others want us to break up (her friend have told me that they wish their husbands were as strong as I am so thats very supportive).

Hope that wasn't too much info

You're doing fantastic.

Has she given you a list of EPs?

Will she come here and post?

We did create a list of Category 1 EP's (just compensation)
- they include things like selling her car as soon as we finish paying it off
- throwing away the clothing that she wore the times she went to OM's house
- post-nup agreement
- polygraph

The category 2 EP's are much longer and vary from no contact, to not going out with friends without me being present, not drinking when I am not present, having only 2 drinks if we are out together, no contact, no opposite male friends - things like that.

I haven't made that suggestion. Do you feel it would be a good idea?