Hi, I am 31 and I was married since Sept 2010 and recently annulled due to his computer games addiction in June 2013. I invested a lot as I got my dream wedding, and built a comfortable home. My former spouse was at first nice, loyal, shy, quiet, accommodating when we dated for 2 years. However, we didn't live together for me to find out he secretly concealed computer games addiction until after the wedding my mom bought a marital home (studio apt) for us to move in to. I always wondered why he wasn't available much while dating esp. with phone calls or presence while we were dating, I simply brushed it off when he explained he was busy doing laundry or what not.

First year, he gamed nearly 20 hrs day till 6am b/c he collected benefits. Sometimes he wouldn't shower for 2 weeks at a time. I cooked and he ate at his desk, cleaned and stood by his side asking him to communicate or engage with me or go out but it was a struggle and he constantly would throw tantrums like a man child if I interrupt his gaming sessions. I stayed in with him or occupied myself with hobbies outside. I was simply going through the motions of life b/c of the routine of staring at 4 walls everyday as he gamed. I cried myself to sleep hearing his keyboard banging everyday. He also gambled, one time I drove for 4 days looking for him at 4 different casinos from NYC. We also bought a puppy and she has saved my life to an extent bc she allowed me care for her and she gave me some attention. My mom asked former spouse to help at her retail store in his free time while he was collecting benefits and she was willing to pay him $3000 monthly cash, but he refused so I started helping my mom as her daughter. As Asians, we strongly believe in philiopiety but he thinks my family is too ethnic and he doesn't understand why he has to go into retail when his specialty is IT. I told him she's a single mother and is his mother in law, and to help the family business that supports his marital home. He refused b/c he felt he contributed enough by paying maintenance fees for the home. I got along with his parents who were passive and turned a blind eye to his addiction, but his older sister interfered a lot and tells him I don't need to control his life, which I wasn't. She always was envious that our wedding was bigger than hers and I always stayed sweet with her no matter what she said.

Second year, I encouraged him to get a new job, he got an IT job he loved but gamed just as much once he came home. We went to therapy; he refused to cut it out. I became resentful he was willing to get out of the house for his job and emotionally and physically neglected me. I also got a full time job and my mom still needed more help, so I asked my best friend guy to help after his day job. I would also go to my mom's store after work to help her out and it became an escape for me. When I brought up the gaming addiction to spouse's family, his sister was certain his addiction was bc of me, and secretly moved him and his stuff out for 2 months and I came home that day and was floored. I couldn't believe they both did something so inhumane and cruel, not letting me know or contact him. She tried to convince him to divorce me b/c I keep complaining about his neglect. He eventually moved back in, but I was still hurt by what they did.

Once he moved back, he became more condescending, commanding, belittling, and mean. For another year, he didn't visit my mother though I attended his family functions. My best friend tried to save our marriage, and encouraged me to go therapy and counseling, I would go but my former spouse wouldn't go. My best friend was also there at my mom's store for a year or 2 so that I could go home and cook for my former spouse. He also supported me emotionally, while helping my mom out. One day, while visiting my former spouse's family event, his sister shut the door locked behind me while I walked the dog in front of their house. I was so upset already in the fact that they didn't like my dog, now they're shutting us out and when I came back him, she gave me a smirk. I acted out of emotions and told my best friend through text, who pranked call his sister. She told my former spouse it was him and to divorce me, so he felt threatened, moved out right before my birthday, and asked for a divorce. I tried to save the marriage, apologized, his mind was set, so protected myself with an annulment since he abandoned and deserted me.

I held out having children with former spouse because of his constant neglect and ability to care. I became terrified that when we have children, he'll still be consumed by his other priorities, addictions and his hobbies. Besides children, getting married should also be about with someone that loves/cares for you, otherwise they won't care about day to day necessities that come along with raising children.

Now, I feel a lot of guilt for loss of my marriage each morning bc I relied on best friend's help and bc I escaped to my mom's store, I know my best friend cares/loves me, and treats me like a princess like no one else can. I also care/love the way he loves me. I find guilt to picture myself married to my best friend. The guilt makes me not be able to picture a happy marriage with him or the idea of being in the same bed with him knowing my former spouse is out there. At the same time, i don't simply want to settle with any other guy just b/c they're clean slate?

Hi, I am 31 and I was married since Sept 2010 and recently annulled due to his computer games addiction in June 2013. I invested a lot as I got my dream wedding, and built a comfortable home. My former spouse was at first nice, loyal, shy, quiet, accommodating when we dated for 2 years. However, we didn't live together for me to find out he secretly concealed computer games addiction until after the wedding my mom bought a marital home (studio apt) for us to move in to. I always wondered why he wasn't available much while dating esp. with phone calls or presence while we were dating, I simply brushed it off when he explained he was busy doing laundry or what not.

First year, he gamed nearly 20 hrs day till 6am b/c he collected benefits. Sometimes he wouldn't shower for 2 weeks at a time. I cooked and he ate at his desk, cleaned and stood by his side asking him to communicate or engage with me or go out but it was a struggle and he constantly would throw tantrums like a man child if I interrupt his gaming sessions. I stayed in with him or occupied myself with hobbies outside. I was simply going through the motions of life b/c of the routine of staring at 4 walls everyday as he gamed. I cried myself to sleep hearing his keyboard banging everyday. He also gambled, one time I drove for 4 days looking for him at 4 different casinos from NYC. We also bought a puppy and she has saved my life to an extent bc she allowed me care for her and she gave me some attention. My mom asked former spouse to help at her retail store in his free time while he was collecting benefits and she was willing to pay him $3000 monthly cash, but he refused so I started helping my mom as her daughter. As Asians, we strongly believe in philiopiety but he thinks my family is too ethnic and he doesn't understand why he has to go into retail when his specialty is IT. I told him she's a single mother and is his mother in law, and to help the family business that supports his marital home. He refused b/c he felt he contributed enough by paying maintenance fees for the home. I got along with his parents who were passive and turned a blind eye to his addiction, but his older sister interfered a lot and tells him I don't need to control his life, which I wasn't. She always was envious that our wedding was bigger than hers and I always stayed sweet with her no matter what she said.

Second year, I encouraged him to get a new job, he got an IT job he loved but gamed just as much once he came home. We went to therapy; he refused to cut it out. I became resentful he was willing to get out of the house for his job and emotionally and physically neglected me. I also got a full time job and my mom still needed more help, so I asked my best friend guy to help after his day job. I would also go to my mom's store after work to help her out and it became an escape for me. When I brought up the gaming addiction to spouse's family, his sister was certain his addiction was bc of me, and secretly moved him and his stuff out for 2 months and I came home that day and was floored. I couldn't believe they both did something so inhumane and cruel, not letting me know or contact him. She tried to convince him to divorce me b/c I keep complaining about his neglect. He eventually moved back in, but I was still hurt by what they did.

Once he moved back, he became more condescending, commanding, belittling, and mean. For another year, he didn't visit my mother though I attended his family functions. My best friend tried to save our marriage, and encouraged me to go therapy and counseling, I would go but my former spouse wouldn't go. My best friend was also there at my mom's store for a year or 2 so that I could go home and cook for my former spouse. He also supported me emotionally, while helping my mom out. One day, while visiting my former spouse's family event, his sister shut the door locked behind me while I walked the dog in front of their house. I was so upset already in the fact that they didn't like my dog, now they're shutting us out and when I came back him, she gave me a smirk. I acted out of emotions and told my best friend through text, who pranked call his sister. She told my former spouse it was him and to divorce me, so he felt threatened, moved out right before my birthday, and asked for a divorce. I tried to save the marriage, apologized, his mind was set, so protected myself with an annulment since he abandoned and deserted me.

I held out having children with former spouse because of his constant neglect and ability to care. I became terrified that when we have children, he'll still be consumed by his other priorities, addictions and his hobbies. Besides children, getting married should also be about with someone that loves/cares for you, otherwise they won't care about day to day necessities that come along with raising children.

Now, I feel a lot of guilt for loss of my marriage each morning bc I relied on best friend's help and bc I escaped to my mom's store, I know my best friend cares/loves me, and treats me like a princess like no one else can. I also care/love the way he loves me. I find guilt to picture myself married to my best friend. The guilt makes me not be able to picture a happy marriage with him or the idea of being in the same bed with him knowing my former spouse is out there. At the same time, i don't simply want to settle with any other guy just b/c they're clean slate?

You had an emotional affair with this man while still married to your husband. Neglect from your husband doesn't excuse it.

You are right to feel guilt in considering whether or not to continue a relationship with the OM. Listen to your guilt. RUN away from this man. Cut off contact with him for life.

In the mean time, start getting educated. Read "Surviving An Affair" and "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." Dig through the article section on this site. Start listening to the radio show.

Date at least 30 men. Commit to no one until you have done that.

So you're divorced correct? You have a OS best friend that you kept going to while you were married?

Are you and this guy dating?

Yes, we keep in touch and I still honestly tell him my thoughts and guilt, and everything. He feels the same way as I do, completely remorseful and wish he could turn back time. Our 2 therapists think we should be together b/c 90% of people in this world care about themselves and don't stick around when the going gets tough. Our therapist thinks we support each other and most importantly we care and have compassion. The therapists think in my situation, if i didn't turn to a friend which was the healthiest solution since I didn't want to leave the marriage, I would've resorted to popping pills, cutting myself, emotional eating issues (which I did resort to), or other self-destructive things. I have not ever walked away from any relationship before, I always stayed till my detriment. One time, my former spouse threw a hot boiling pot of chicken soup at me which I cooked for him b/c he was sick. I called the police and my best friend took me to get help.

I posted this on your other thread. It would be best if you stick to one thread.

I have thought about that. Yes, we keep in touch and I still honestly tell him my thoughts and guilt, and everything. He feels the same way as I do, completely remorseful and wish he could turn back time. He even tried to get my former spouse to turn around and come back to me. However, my best friend tells me he would not ever desert me or even if I find someone else, he will not be with anyone else besides me. Our 2 therapists think we should be together b/c 90% of people in this world care about themselves and don't stick around when the going gets tough. Our therapist thinks we support each other and most importantly we care and have compassion. The therapists think in my situation, if i didn't turn to a friend which was the healthiest solution since I didn't want to leave the marriage, I would've resorted to popping pills, cutting myself, emotional eating issues (which I did resort to), or other self-destructive things. I have not ever walked away from any relationship before, I always stayed till my detriment. One time, my former spouse threw a hot boiling pot of chicken soup at me which I cooked for him b/c he was sick. I called the police and my best friend took me to get help.

Your therapists don't know squat. An affair is NEVER the "healthiest solution." Your Emotional Affair WAS self-destructive. Divorcing your husband would have been MUCH healthier.

I suggest you click notify on the bottom of your post and ask the mods to merge your threads. It is best if you stick to one thread.

What horrible therapists! I'd get better therapists who have actually seen successful marriages and know what they are talking about. 20% of marriages are successful, so that 10% figure is distressingly low.

Dr. Harley actually studied what makes marriages work and teaches people how to do it.

Your therapists have an extremely dark and negative worldview. There is a good chance they have had affairs themselves - affairs and divorce are distressingly common in the counseling profession.


Well they are wrong, then. Calling an opposite sex friend HEALTHY?


Since when is a sugary or greasy high fat snack a worse problem than an AFFAIR?


Anybody could've taken you to get help. You did the right thing in calling the police.

Please hit Notify and ask the MODS to merge your threads.

Have you seen this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

*****edit****

Dr. Harley says that only about 5% of affairs end in marriage, and of those, only 1/3 survive the first five years. If you marry your affair partner, the odds are stacked against you.

Slow down. You have a much higher chance of finding happiness if you cut off contact with your affair partner, get educated on what it takes to have a good marriage, and date at least 30 men before committing to anybody.

I'd be interested in what causes the poor statistics with the affair.

It is because the traits that make the affair possible, thoughtlessness, deceit and selfishness eventually make their way into the affair. Affairs are renters relationships that are based on enormous sacrifice [sacrifice of reputation, careers, family, marriages] so when the score is not even, they tend to resort to fights to even the score. In the glimpse we have had into affairees who shacked up, the fighting was fierce. They have very violent relationships.

Another aspect is that affairs tend to be based on fantasies and when reality intrudes the relationship quickly crumbles.

Here is a radio show where Dr. Harley attempts to help a couple that began their marriage as an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=153
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=154
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=155

And in the case of an OW who married her affair partner who divorced his wife for her (I don't have the link to her post):

She will notice different behavior and wonder -- or KNOW -- that he's doing it again.

Here are a few threads.
What you Will Get if You Marry Your Affair Partner