Hi there Blindsided,

I read your story and I can feel the hurt and pain in your words......no one blames you and have felt that ourselves through the process of infidelity.
Your kids are so young and they don't understand what happened......You are their Dad and no matter what the POSOM does or says nothing can change that in their hearts they have learned to love YOU.
You don't want to be that man that hurts them for selfish reasons their mother already did that as they age they will figure that out themselves stay in their lives be that positive place that soft place they can always land, in the arms of their father.
Be that person they can always know won't hurt them.
If you walk they will hurt they will always wonder what they did that you aren't in their lives........they did nothing their POS mother did.........
You are letting the affair control your life and the lives of your children, that is just plain wrong in everyone's eyes.......including your kids.
Life hurts if you let it Blindsided........you can control you and your children's lives you have that power do not give in to that POS relationship your POS wife has chosen.
Look around you, see the good see the opportunity and make your life better, you are not locked into this life only if YOU allow it and that is what you are doing.
I know it hurts but if you look around about what is good in you and in your life the possibilities are endless and changing you for the better will show you there is life after divorce with your children.......
Show your kids what is right from wrong and what it is to live with morals and right thinking, don't run from that yourself........stay strong.....look around at the positive say yes to opportunity.......re connect with people you have lost through all this....
Affairs don't last the stats show this.........
Someday your kids will say something to you like Tranquil's did and your heart will melt and you will know hanging in for them when you weren't that strong was worth it, God is showing you that direction pay attention don't miss the opportunity ....
What you don't know is what your children are saying to the POSOM about their great dad...........when my kids were in school I was always surprised how much they talked about us and wrote about us.........they love YOU ...........don't forget that important part in all this........you are going to break their hearts.......
don't be like their mother.......they deserve better and you deserve them.........I agree with MaritalBliss get some rest and I am sure you will feel differently ........

SInce you first came on this forum, you have consistently refused to take responsibility for any of your actions or lack of actions.
You consistently make excuses for why you can't do anything and it's always portrayed as the world against you.
You can expose because of xwz. You can't visit your kids because of xyz. You can't see a doctor because of xyz.

Only you have the power to live a happy life sir

I did not cheat, sir. I did not break up my marriage. When I was unemployed I watched my kids ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, and overnights on Saturday so she could go stay overnight with the OM (before I knew). I tried to get my wife to talk to me many times but was always countered with the threat of police, and then she got her lawyer to get a restraining order. Then recently I got a job which has me away from here from 5:30 am to 6:30 - 7 pm. Sure, there are a few hours left in the day where I could see my kids, but I AM EXHAUSTED. Why? Because of my DISEASE, sir. I go to bed at 8:30 at night, because if I don't get adequate sleep, I will GET SICK. These are FACTS, gleaned from having had this disease for 20 years. I know what it can do to me if I let it, and I know what a doctor can and cannot do for me. People like you and my ex wife wave them off as excuses, I guess. I am just being a big baby.

There is a difference between a reason and an excuse. There are only so many hours in the day. There is only so much strength in my body and there is nothing I can do to change any of those. The things I CAN do I am doing.

I wish I could come on this forum and report happy events that occur that would galvanize Dr. Harley's reputation as a marriage miracle worker, but that's not happening. I am getting worn down by all this, emotionally and physically. I don't have a lot left in me to give. I wish I woke up every morning with a sense of hope, but I just don't any more.

At least let your children know about your health issue and how it exhausts you.
How you want to be with them much, much more but are having trouble and trying to keep strong physically.

Arrange to skype them. To call them. To be with them as much as possible.
When you are with them, let them feel precious.

They are.

They are 4 years old and 22 months. They don't understand things like that. They should not be going through this at this age, or any age. Try to imagine all the things I am missing with them - the days that they are little are very short. It is literally driving me insane.

They would understand that. (I am an early childhood educator who works with ages 6 weeks to 5 years).

Find a way to be a wonderful Daddy to your children and you will be able to keep your self respect and hope by doing so. Find a way to shorten your workdays if necessary to be there for them because one day, when it all falls apart over there, they'll need you.

It's not going to fall apart over there. It has been two years and things are as good as ever. I am the one who is falling apart. I can't do it any more - I don't know how plainly I can put it.

You need to find another job. Or take a pay cut, cut your hours - your priority appears to be Job First, Kids Second. Do NOT throw your children away because your work schedule isn't convenient.

Let us know about your disease. We may be able to help you.

I'm sorry, I missed this post.

Okay. Then YOU ARE DONE WITH YOUR CHILDREN.You have NO PLAN TO CONTINUE YOUR LIFE WITH THEM.

Is this correct? If so, proceed post-haste to court to relinquish your parental rights. Let those little girls go. I hope to God your WW has some semblance of parenting.

**edit**

I HAVE to work at this job. it is the ONLY thing I have been offered since 2009. I have no choice. The reason I am so exhausted is partly because I have a one-hour train commute each way. I cannot give up this job for anything. I have far overstayed my welcome at my parents' house. They have threatened to change the locks. They have never been very good parents, and they are extremely selfish. Probably where I got a lot of my undesirable outward behaviors.

Believe me I have been looking for another job but there aren't any. As it is, this is only a 6-month contract. I'm trying to save as much as I can so that when it does end, I'll have enough to live on for a while.

As for throwing my children away... I have been thrown away, so what comes around goes around I guess. Do you know what else? If my whore ex wife hadn't done all this, we could be doing pretty well right now. Our financial situation would be much better, and I would be seeing my kids every day rather than losing my mind when my daughter prattles on and on about the OM. I can't take that.

I have Crohn's disease. It is unpleasant and incurable. Whatever help I can get I am getting. it is something I have to live with, and wasting time at support groups is not going to cure me. I don't have the time to spare. Depression is very common, and I am no exception. I try my best to put on a happy face and work things out, but certain things just push me off the edge and I lose it. Depression because of an incurable disease, then heap on adultery and divorce, and never seeing my kids.

Do you know what would change my life? If my ex wife came to me and told me that she made a mistake and wanted to work things out and really meant it. As much as I cannot stand to even look at her, I still have the knowledge that it is not entirely her fault, and because of that I would give anything to try to make things right. But yeah, we all know that is never going to happen. Every time I watch my girls, I hear another story about how they stayed overnight at OM's house, and how he stays over with them and gives them ice cream and on and on. It makes me want to punch out because that was supposed to be MY life. He is stealing my kids' time from me and I can't even tell you how that feels. I cannot ever accept that as something that was "meant to be".

She already got them in the divorce. You are disgusted with me? Join the club - my ex wife is the president. I disgust myself. I disgust my parents. I disgust everyone.

Good luck, NM.

A reminder to posters to keep your posts respectful and helpful to this poster! Thank you

BNM, I am sorry for your trials and want to make a few suggestions. Right now, it seems you have a couple of very toxic factors in your life that make it hard for you to move forward and find any peace. That is pushing you to the point where you want to make mistakes that you will regret for the rest of your life, namely giving up your girls.

I think you would feel much better if you:

1. get away from your parents

2. arrange weekend pickup/drop-offs of your daughters so you don't have to see your XW or the POSOM

I think if you do those things, while finding a social circle that is more supportive to you, that you will feel better about all this. I promise you that you won't feel better by giving up custody of your kids. It will ADD TO your regret and resentment. This scumbag will not be in their lives for long and when he dumps your wife and your little girls get older, they are going to need their daddy. *YOU* are the only man in their lives that really cares for them. Even though they don't realize this right now, as they get older, your presence in their lives will become more and more critical.

You will not feel this bad forever, but giving your children up will haunt you for the rest of your days. NO MAN can ever take your place as their daddy. NO MAN cares about them as much as you. Make no mistake about that!

BNM, are you on anti-depressants?

This link from web-md has listing for places that can help pay for your meds for crohns.

http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/cd-help-with-drug-costs?page=1

Another from the crohns forum that lists links for financial assistance.

http://www.crohnsforum.com/wiki/Prescription-Assistance-Programs-Financial-Assistance

I want to apologise because my posts yesterday were very hard on you. I don't think that you should ever stop seeing your girls, and as ML said, if you continue to be an active father to them, you will be the one man in their lives who looked after their welfare when their mother's affair is long over. However, you have lost almost everything through this affair and I am sorry, for that and for speaking harshly to you.

I would also like to extend my apologies for being harsh BNM.

I've tried to help from the very beginning of your thread and will continue to lend support, friend.

Please stay in your DDS lives.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

Winston Churchill