I have never been in love with my husband. We never should have gotten married. Does this program address that anywhere? I haven't been able to find it, if it does can someone please direct me to that information. I wonder what Dr. Harley says about saving a marriage to someone you've never loved. Thank you.
Dr. Harley has addressed this, though I don't believe he has anything written on this site addressing that topic. A few months ago I asked this question on his radio program. Can he help a couple who has NEVER been in love to fall in love.
His response was that YES he can! He told the story of a couple he knew who had been living together for several years because, financially, it worked out for them. They'd never loved each other. Eventually they decided they wanted to try to love each other. He taught them to fall in love. He said it took them about 3 months to get to where they wanted to be.
The program works because it identifies the steps that ALREADY occur when a couple 'naturally' falls in love.
A couple in love typically does 4 things:
They make each other happy.
They avoid hurting each other.
They spend time together.
They are honest with one another.
Thus, if you do these 4 things, though you have never loved your husband, you can LEARN to fall in love.
So what is the next step?
1. Plan to spend 20 hours a week TOGETHER doing things together. This will not work unless you can devote 20 hours a week to one another initially. So sit down and plan your time. If you have trouble coming up with the time, tell us your schedules, and we can see if we can help you work it out.
What do you do during that time?
2. Meet each other's intimate emotional needs. These are needs that must exclusively be met by your spouse, and they are heavy hitters, so the more you can incorporate them into your Undivided Attention time together, the better. These are: Affection, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, and Sexual Fulfillment.
Now in order to do this you want to be as effective as possible. Complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire linked in the Basic Concepts. Each of you fill out the forms and let each other know what you're most important needs are and HOW you want them met. Make an effort to meet the intimate ones I listed above during your UA time, and try to consistently hit each other's top 3 emotional needs whenever you can.
You cannot argue Emotional Needs. They just are. Both of you work to meet them as best as you can. Over time you will get better at it.
3. Meeting Emotional Needs is useless if you are hurting one another. Thus, once you finish the Emotional Needs questionnaire, look at the Love Busters Questionnaire. Work to eliminate ALL hurtful behaviors.
If you can do this, you WILL get to where you want to be. It will be difficult at first because you will be learning and training yourselves to new habits and behaviors. It will be uncomfortable and frightening for a while. It will ebb and flow. There will be good days and bad days, there will be progress and regression, but over time you will get the hang of it.
I'd suggest getting the books His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters as they really lay out how to meet needs and avoid hurting one another.
So - the 4 things you need to do:
Spend time together.
Meet each other's needs.
Avoid hurting each other.
Be honest about your feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs - create an atmosphere where you each feel safe being honest.
Yes, this program can help you and your husband fall in love, even if you've never been there before.
ETA: NONE of this will work if you have a new point of comparison. And by that I mean, you will never be able to fall in love with your husband if you're currently in love, or have feelings for someone else. If there IS someone else you are thinking of in a romantic way, end all contact with him, immediately.
