Eight years ago I found out my husband was having an affair. I thought we were going to get through it but in the last few years, it has been off and on again. This is with the same person and someone whom is married and has had numerous lovers. I love my husband and have let this go so many times but now it is playing a toll on my life. One day he will act like everything is great with us, the next day, he may not speak to me at all. I do not know where to go from here. How can I still want to love with this man who has caused me so much pain and grief?

I'm so sorry you are in this painful situation.

Have you read the first thread on this forum called "Start Here?"

Has the affair been exposed? How long have you been married? Any children?

It sounds like his affair has been swept under the rug for many years. Do they work together?

Dr. Harley has a very specific plan for dealing with affairs and every single step must be followed for it to have the best effect. The first step is wide-spread exposure of the affair. He recommends Plan A for only three weeks for a woman, because living with a spouse in an on-going affair is very hard on a woman's health. With this in mind, you should be planning for a separation in the event your H refuses to leave his adultery partner.

DeborahAnne, welcome to MarriageBuilders, and I'm sorry you've had cause to make your way to here.

Don't you see that those two thoughts -- "I love my husband" and "I've let this go so many times" -- are completely contradictory?

An affair is an addiction. (Believe me, I'm not one of those touchy-feely types who buy into into every human flaw being an addiction, but if you look into the research re: infatuation, you'll see the parallels, right down to the brain-chemistry impact.)

My point? This: If you love your husband, you'll put your foot down & declare what you won't stand for. You'll hold him to a higher standard, and ask that he leave if he is not willing to choose that higher standard. "Letting it go" is the last thing you should ever have been doing. If you love him, you will no longer "let it go."

My wife did not "let it go" after my first & only affair almost 5 years ago. She forgave me, yes; but then & there, she also held me to a higher standard going forward. Do you see what she told me (2nd quote below, in red text) on the very day I confessed my affair to her? The affair died that very day, and a powerful factor in ensuring that it never resumed was that I found myself face-to-face with a woman whose strength, self-respect & resolve I had no choice but to respect, and who loved me enouigh to hold me to her high standard. I understood very clearly that I had a choice to make, and that making the wrong choice would cost me all that I'd held dear.

To whom have you exposed these affairs? Who are the other women? Are they married? Have you exposed the affair to their spouses/friends, and (if workplace affairs) to coworkers and supervisors?

Thank you for your reply. Yes, this affair has been exposed and going on for years. We have been married 12 years, second marriage for both with grown children. They do work in the same plant and she has always been the type of woman to go with several men although she is married.

I appreciate you pointing that out. Pretty much everyone knows because they work in a plant. It is only one woman and yes she is married. Her husband seems to want to look the other way even though this has been her life history. She likes all men and is very flirty.

What can we do for you? Do you want help killing the affair or are you ok with it? To whom has the affair been exposed and who exposed it?

DA,

You need to find out all the men this OW has been having affairs with and let their wives know, the weight of exposure will push OW out of the company.

God Bless
Gamma

I want it done!! It has almost ruined my health.

Have you told all your friends and your family about the affair? They all need to know so they can help put pressure on the affair. They need to know so they can support you emotionally.

Since they work together, the workplace HR needs to know about it. Have you exposed the affair specifically to HR? Exactly what was their response?

The very first step in dealing with an affair is to expose it. Can you please tell us who knows about the affair?

To whom have YOU exposed this affair? Here are your exposure targets:

1. Their employer
2. The spouses of the men with whom she has had affairs
3. Your children
4. Your families (both sides)
5. Any woman you know whose husband works in that plant - they need to be aware of the serial adultress who is in their husbands' midst

Were all of these people notified of your WH's and the OW's heinous acts by you personally?

Why is your WH still working there? This is a prime example of why we keep telling posters that the waywards CANNOT continue to work together. This is an on-again, off-again affair. This is emotional torture for you and cannot continue. Have you told your husband that he needs to leave that job if he wants to remain in your marriage?

Have you exposed his affair?

Hi,
I cannot go to HR with this because my husband is and engineer. This are supposed to have a code of conduct with integrity. She works out in the plant. He would be the one that would automatically fire and I sure don't need that.

I do want this affair over for good! Family and friends know because I told them and other people know because they were caught. I cannot go to HR because he is an engineer, she works out in the plant. he has a code of conduct and he would be fired and I don't need that. Thanks.

In order to end the affair, your H must never be in contact with the OW again, for the rest of his life. If he doesn't leave, she must leave. If you do nothing, his affair will continue.

He can have both his affair AND his marriage now, because, by your not exposing to his workplace, you have made it easy to continue having his cake and eating it, too; however, this is terrible for your health. You have already endured far too long.

Dr. Harley would advise a woman in your situation to demand that he end the affair and that he send a no contact letter. He must never see the OW again, even if it means leaving the job, which people do all the time. He can get another job somewhere else. If he refuses to leave the job, thereby being in contact with the OW at work, he would have thirty days to leave or you expose to his employer, using the template letter in Notable Posts.

If this plan doesn't end the affair, Dr. Harley would advise you to separate as soon as can be arranged and go into Plan B, which is you don't see him, you don't talk to him, any arrangements regarding children and/or finances go through an intermediary. This helps preserve your health and whatever feelings remain for him.

If you do nothing, your health will continue to deteriorate and you may end up divorced anyway.

What do you want to do?

Are you saying you are totally dependent financially on a man who continues to cheat on you again and again?

If you are you need to prepare yourself in the event he drops you for this or any other OW.

You are choosing his job and his affairs over your own mental health. We won't advocate for that.

DA,

she works out in the plant. he has a code of conduct and he would be fired and I don't need that.

WH has violated that code of conduct and so has OW, this is a bit like saying that a bank robber shouldn't have to face the law. Your WH keeps robbing your sanity every day, everyone here understands your stress watching your WH go off to work with OW.

If you are not going to expose, then at the very least for the sake of your health do not have relations with your WH as his contact with a promiscuous woman increases his chances of transmitting some horrible disease to you.

God Bless
Gamma

If you don't apply pressure to your WH, you won't end the affair.

If his financial security is your top priority, file for divorce, get a settlement and move forward with your life.

You've let him get away with this terrible behavior for a long time. He has no reason to stop, you haven't done anything to stop him.

Exposing at his workplace is your last bit of leverage. If you're not going to use it, get out of this situation and move on with your life without him.

He doesn't care about your pain and suffering. You won't get him to stop by sobbing in your pillow each night. If that tactic worked, he would have stopped a long time ago.

You're either going to get tough and do what needs to be done or you're going to continue to live in this hell.

I say get a lawyer and get it over with. Maybe your best use of energy is to get out.

Do you work?

Is his job more important than your marriage?