Hey folks,

I hope I'm posting in the right section, since my girlfriend and I weren't married (we missed being engaged by about a month).

Some history of what's happened...

I've been with this girl (we'll call her D) for about 11 months. Met her at my pool in my apartment complex, and we hit it off instantly. Through this year, we grew together very well. She was under her mothers thumb regarding some financial issues, and her mom loved to turn the screws on her (viciously). So I helped her get independent from her (ended up moving in with me, and we got all the mutual bills into D's name only). After 4 months of dating, her mom kicked her out of their apartment with a weeks worth of notice, so I moved her into my place. While she was living with me, I helped her pay off all her debt that she had incurred from a broken lease. I also helped her get her dog (a beautiful boxer) and take care of the dog (since she often worked nights). Lastly, I became a Christian right before I met her (literally about a week) and she began the journey as well with me. We went to church together, read together, and everything else (totally get we weren't supposed to live together...). This was actually huge, and has me realizing how connected my faith was to her as well (bad thing). It really felt like the almost perfect relationship, and I watched her grow and grow. And I thought we were growing together as well.

Eventually summer rolls around, and we get down to where I screwed up. I had actually been screwing up the whole beginning. I was texting and sometimes calling my ex girlfriend. And I sent some inappropriate text messages. Well, I quit talking to the ex once I fell in love with D, but it had already happened. I called the ex in the summer and told her I was moving on and she should too. She agreed, but I never mentioned D, nor did I tell D about the ex. The ex tried to be friendly, and occasionally called or texted after I broke things off. Eventually D answered the phone. Well, they found out about each other, and things blew up. She went and slept with her ex husband the day after she found out, and then came back saying she wanted to work things out. Make a (already way too) long story shorter, after 3 weeks she's got a new boyfriend who she's got "something real" with (she says our whole relationship was a lie). She told me this weekend that she wanted nothing to do with me, that she never wanted to talk to me again. That's her choice, and she has a right to do that. My last contact with her was Sunday, where she told me all this through text.

In comes the questions... I'm struggling with things because I still love her so much. I would do anything to turn back the time and fix what I did. Besides my mistake, I treated her wonderfully. I have a hard time understanding how she could just give up on something that was so good.

What am I doing about it?
- I'm in counseling with a Psych that was my sisters (she had great success with him)
- Trying to feel the emotions knowing that I'm going through them
- Going to AlAnon meetings (my parents, and D's mom are both alcoholics, D might be too, or turning into one) and trying to learn something there
- Trying to get out and do things, be active
- Eating super healthy and working out (best diet I've ever had, though I never want to have it like this again...)
- Trying to throw myself into work (I'm a project manager at a software company)
- Trying to go 1 day at a time, as much of a struggle as it is

So here's where I am now, and could use any advice possible from folks who might have gone through this:
- Struggling every single day waking up with major anxiety
- Trying to understand the obsessive thoughts about her (and how to stop them)
- Trying to find some color in a dull, boring world
- Trying to enjoy anything at all that I used to
- Trying to believe that I will get better, but not really believing it at all
- Trying to beat just general daily anxiety any time I think about her

I'm 35, D is 24, and this was the first time I had ever decided (truly in my heart decided, despite everything or anything) that I wanted to marry a girl. I've lost the girl I was going to marry, the idea of having children with her (I didn't want kids till I met her), and the future we would have had together. I'm struggling.

Thanks,
GRS

Is she an Alcoholic?

Have you seen this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Her being an alcoholic is a really good question. We both drank quite a bit when we were together, but she does use it as a coping mechanism. I know all the times I would see her when we were in the breaking up process, she always wanted to drink (and had over 15 bottles of wine from her mom that she went through).

I will say that her coping mechanisms, which have done well for her, are alcohol, male attention (she's very beautiful), and anger / hate towards me. The anger / hate has built up over the past month as she's made a little story for herself that makes everything in our relationship a lie (sadly, it's not an accurate story).

I will say though, if I was able to cope in the same ways, I would probably do that too. I hate feeling like this, but don't have the desire for anything right now (alcohol, women, or even anger towards her).

I'll take a look at the link and reply with my thoughts. Thank you for the reply BrainHurts.

Grs

So that's a very interesting post. I believe I likely started as a freeloader (hence the keeping the ex around), and became a buyer. I was truly emotionally invested and had a conscious decision to try to work things out no matter what. Sadly, I didn't even get being a freeloader right in that I did hold on to that ex. I also believe that speaks to some of my inner fears of low self esteem and such...

She, I believe, likely started in the renters position, and fooled me into thinking she was a buyer. Or maybe she was a buyer that just couldn't get past what I did. I'd like to make excuses for myself, like I never physically cheated, but that's just excuses. I did cheat emotionally, and saw the devastation of my mistakes. Towards the end, do I think she got her Justice? Yes, she cheated physically back, mentally abused me (even this past Saturday), sent pictures of the guy she's dating and her, said things like "you could have been engaged if you kept your nuts to yourself", and manipulated me by having me come over then telling me about what she did with another guy. Through all this, if she wanted to make it work, I would put in the effort. Couples counseling, whatever it took.

Sadly, I'm taking my own thread off topic, as she is gone. And won't come back. I miss her immensely, and am trying to cope. I'm finding it challenging to know who I really am now that I'm not "growing" D, and am seeing the world as a cold colorless place. The anxiety I wake up with and the thoughts of her rule me. I can't seem to shake it.

Grs

I'm glad to hear you are attending AlAnon meetings.
They recommend attending 2 meetings a week.
How often do you attend?

I attend 2 nights a week currently, but might start a third night with a new group. I've only gone to 3 meetings so far, but it's already been useful. Also, it's nice to be able to talk about the situation. My friends don't really understand my feelings and tend to trivialize them. Saying things like "you're better off, just get over her". While that may be the case, my feelings are still quite strong and I'm fairly sure they're valid.

I've also noticed that when people talk in Alanon, I'm seeing a lot of myself in them. How we tend to try to fix everything, or feel responsible for someone. Or quite honestly, get addicted to people rather than substances.

I know it hurts right now.

Are you remaining NC with her?

Sorry, I'm not familiar with NC. No contact? Non-confrontational?

If it's either of those, I am remaining NC. I've agreed to let her be and even as the mental abuse hit on Saturday, I responded only with kindness. I'll admit that there were some mean things said by me to her as well initially after we both cheated, but she has held on to the anger. I am unable (thankfully) to hold on to mine. So the last two nights where she texted me all night with abuse (attempts to hurt me, and she was quite successful) I was kind and put boundaries up. I screwed up first, so I know I need I show that I can be the right kind of man (still flawed, but able to learn). And I think I needed to show that to myself as well...

As tempted as I am to text her (she is always running around in my head, and I miss that contact badly), I respect her decision to let go and find someone else. She seems very happy with the guy she found, and she should be happy. I obviously can't be the guy who makes her happy if all i do is make her angry. I have the feeling I'll be a bitter memory for her, even though she often said I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She probably was the best thing that ever happened to me too.

I can say one thing, that whomever is next in my life will benefit greatly from D. There are many mistakes that I made (cheating and otherwise) that I will never approach or come near again. Never do I want to cause someone I love this much pain.

Grs

Made a mistake tonight and looked up D's Facebook. She has posts of her kissing her new guy, posts of them on his boat, and just all sorts of stuff with them together. She's known him two weeks. a moment of weakness for me, and I'm paying for it now. I've got anxiety that is out of control. And can't sleep.

I think you've had a lucky escape. While not telling her about communication with your ex was a failure to be radically honest, it wasn�t cheating. You two are not married. She could have asked you to be more honest and forthright from now on in order to consider you as marriage material. Or she could have left you gracefully.

However she chooses to solve her problems with revenge sex, anger, vindictiveness and alcohol. I have no doubt that the recent FB pictures were posted with you in mind. I think she is going to be a world of trouble to any man, and doesn't have any resources aside from her looks.

I understand that you love her deeply and that it hurts. If you spend time with someone beautiful and fun and take care of them, then of course you will love them.

However it might be an idea to choose someone who isn't so lacking in basic common sense. Someone who doesn�t return to the ex in a pinch or has a boyfriend support her. Someone who does not post pictures of a brand new less than 2wo boyfriend on Facebook. Most of all, someone who doesn�t need rescuing from a home situation that a clever woman could have dealt with herself.

Dr Harley wants people to marry strong, intelligent, resourceful people who will make their lives better. He doesn�t want us to get distracted by babysitting foolish people who have no common kindness or common sense.

I've heard him say that some people do this to avoid working on their own shortcomings. A brighter woman might ask you to look at your own shortcomings, instead of getting you to focus on all of hers.

Block her on FB and refuse to listen to any gossip about her. A wall of silence between you and her is what is required.

I did that this morning. I also made a promise to myself that I would no longer reach out to her for any contact. And you may be right, I'm just waiti g for my heart to catch up to my brain. I'm in nothing but pain, as we did have a great relationship besides the breakdown. She always offered to pay rent, I told her eventually but I wanted to her to independent (moms control and debt) before she did that. We just didn't make it quite that far.

I recognize I need to move on, I just am having trouble coping. An learning to like myself. I feel like I wasn't good enough, and wonder why anyone would like me. Logically, I know I'm good looking, smart, make a decent living, and am a hard worker. But emotionally I'm beat down and have a crushed spirit. I'm just looking for the light at the end of his tunnel.

Sounds like a good start

Also, I find it amusing that I was the one pushing the complete honesty in the beginning of the relationship, but was lying to myself as well the whole time. I believe in complete honesty now, even if it hurts the other person. And I'm prepared to walk into a new relationship one day (probably a long while down the road) with this as a requirement of the relationship.

I can't handle anything else, because now I'm sure I've got major trust issues because of this one...

I know you are hurting and that it will take you some time to get over this gal, but I also think that one day you will realize that this was a lucky escape for you.

The girl sounds very immature, and anyone who would run off to hook up with an old BF right away and start posting photos on FB and taunting you with them is acting like... well... a 20-something bimbo. As indie observed correctly, this girl seems like someone who knows how to manipulate people based on her looks, and those folks have a hard time knowing how to empathize or reflect, which is important for any relationship.

Moreover, I think you should reflect a bit on your behavior with her - you keep saying you saved her from her controlled environment and taught her to be independent, but are you sure you did not simply take over the "ownership" of this gal from her mother? How else would you explain these: "I moved her into my place. While she was living with me, I helped her pay off all her debt that she had incurred from a broken lease. I also helped her get her dog" and "She always offered to pay rent, I told her eventually but I wanted to her to independent (moms control and debt) before she did that"?

Obviously you made mistakes too and you should learn from them, but I do think you dodged a bullet with this one. Once you get over the pain (and you will) and will find a normal girl-next-door, you'll appreciate just how much trouble this gal was/is.

AGG

Logically, I definitely understand what you guys are saying. And when she did move into my place, her mother even said "Good luck Glenn, she's your responsibility now". Which I do think says a lot. I did take over ownership. I think that's how she works, hence the reason she has practically moved in with this new guy right away.

I think my biggest challenge is understanding why I thought such a wonderful relationship ended up being one filled with hatred, viciousness and anger for her. It just doesn't add up with me, and makes me very sad.

Sadly, I recover from these things VERY slowly. And since I had made the decision of marrying her, I feel like a lot died with that. The death of a dream for me is something that I have a very hard time with.

I guess my heart is still ruling my brain, but my brain understands that I'm better off without her. I just wish I could get my heart to the same spot my brain is.

Thanks for the reply's folks. It helps a lot. Talking about this does let some of the emotion out for me.

Grs

You know what else? Even through all this pain she's put me through, I just don't get why I can't feel angry or know that I don't want her?

It's weird to me. I recognize that she has treated me like dirt, yet I still want to be there for her? How does that make sense?

Grs

Quick question for those who have been here longer. Is there any place we can journal on Marriage Builders?

Btw, AGoodGuy, my sister recommended me to this site (she was on it over 4 years ago) and remembers you. Said you were really helpful to her.

Welcome, We are the same age, are in the same line of business and yes I made some of the same mistakes:
Seems like you hit it off quickly and shacked up really fast too. Bad idea! The result is you are ignoring HUGE RED FLAGS in the process and are being emtionaly dishonest with her and yourself:

This girl is 24, has an ex-husband and was living with her own mother who gave YOU "custody" over her daughter???
Why?
Let this one sink in!

While you were in your relationship, you were her god and she put you on a pedestral.
Now...
you have been "painted black". It is an immature coping mechanism and a possible sign of mental illness.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting

While the contact with your ex was painful to her, it probably hurt her even more you did not even mention ONCE you had an ex. That was the trigger for her to explode in (completely unacceptable) abusive behaviour.
Be glad she showed you her true colours that quickly!

Why did you hide your romantic history from her anyway?

Initially I didn't think anything was going to happen in our relationship. But once I fell for her, I pushed the ex away and stopped talking to her. I don't know why I didn't tell her at that point. I should have, I guess I just didn't want to get in trouble.

I eventually called the ex to tell her to move on after about 4-5 months of not talking to her and that's how D found out.

Splitting is interesting. And yeah, it really sounds like you summed it up. I didn't intend to live with her, I just took her in after her mom kicked her out. We were going to find her an appartment. Then she just stayed and would get mad if I brought up her getting an appartment. Somewhere during the relationship, I stopped doing what I thought was right (or even standing up to her) and let her dictate things. Which was a loss to myself.

Now I just am trying to cope with her being gone and not knowing who I am. She is someone else's problem (still miss her so much though).

I'm trying to figure out how to handle the following:
- waking up with a huge amount of anxiety at 2am (every morning)
- having broken record thoughts about D, some sexual in nature about her and the new guy (get out of my head!)
- not finding enjoyment in anything I do, all my old hobbies bore me to death
- understanding what I need to do so one day I can date again (obviously not even close to ready)

I'm basically a mess right now, and time doesn't seem to be going by fast enough or I'm just healing ultra slow.

Grs