She has not followed through on anything she promise to do, she starts to but then she falls short on completion.

Today everything is gone all to hell again.

Once an abusive reaction is made, unless a couple does something to stop it, the "process" of abuse begins.ﾠ The first benign form of abuse triggers a more hurtful response by the other spouse.ﾠ That, in turn, leads to an even more negative reaction.ﾠ As the reactions of each spouse move further and further up the abuse continuum, eventually a response is triggered that we would all agree is abuse.ﾠ But by then it's too late.ﾠ Both spouses are in the thick of battle and fighting to the death.

That's why I have chosen to call each hurtful event in the escalating sequence, "abuse."ﾠ It seems to work for those couples who struggle with the problem.ﾠ If they see abuse as a process that begins with more benign forms of disrespect and demands, they can learn to cut it off before it becomes painfully destructive.ﾠ When one spouse decides not to react to abuse with abuse, the process usually comes to an end.ﾠ But the best outcome is for both spouses to see it coming and both agree to stop the process.ﾠ Such a couple has learned to valuable lesson of avoiding fights and arguments.ﾠ In the place of those ineffective problem-solving strategies, they can learn to solve problems in a way that increases their love for each other -- instead of ruining their love for each other.

But even though she made an abusive remark, you can end the cycle of abuse before it begins if you don't accelerate negativity (that means, matching her abuse with abuse of your own). What you should do is ignore the abuse on her side, and in your own mind re-translate what she said to be "I would prefer it if you would dry the dishes this way, instead of the way you are drying them."

However, if you are offended by the comment she made, and most people are offended by abuse, then you will be very tempted to come back with, "fine, dry them yourself next time." That is abusive because it's a demand (you are telling her what to do). Or you might be tempted to say, "you don't dry them any better that I do." That's abusive because it's disrespectful (you are judging her dish washing behavior). Or you might be tempted to let her have it with, "What a stupid thing to say -- you sure are full of stupid comments today." That's an angry outburst because what you say is intended to punish her for the comment she made to you. As soon as you respond to your wife's abusive comment with an abusive comment of your own, you have created a cycle of abuse where you are both abusing each other.

Your wife might then respond to your abuse with more abuse. It may be a selfish demand, it may be a disrespectful judgment, or it may be an angry outburst. That will escalate negativity even more. Then you respond with more abuse, she responds again, and on and on. Every argument is abusive, and whenever you argue or fight, think to yourself, "we are being abusive to each other. I must somehow stop this cycle of abuse."

When you argue, it will be easy to see how the other person is being abusive, but it's very difficult to see how you are being abusive. However, if you actually argue with your wife, you are being just as abusive as she. You may not be able to stop your wife's abusive behavior, because only she can do that, but you can stop your abusive behavior, and that will end all of your arguments and fights. It doesn't mean you will stop talking to each other, it simply means you will not respond to her abuse with your own abuse.

Quite frankly, if only one of you avoids abuse -- you, for example -- it will make it much easier for the other to avoid it.

I want nothing more in this world than to save this marriage and make it great but I'm exhausted. I am not seeing anything tangible yet, I will say I do find myself seeming to be more trusting in my wife over the last few weeks

20year, what are you talking about? Mrs cen was on the radio program on Friday. They are planning a move across the continent. What sort of evidence do you need to show that she is serious?