My husband has been moved out for about two weeks. He told me that he has decided that divorce is the only option. That he can't ever trust me again. Can't see us together. I caused too much pain.... What do I do?

AnnR,<BR>At this point, the ball is in your h's court. You can be there for him as a friend as much as he'll allow, and let him know that your intentions are to keep the marriage together, that you made this mistake and you've learned from it. But actions speak louder than words, and it's going to take a lot of time for him to heal. He's probably still in a state of shock and feelings of rejection are making him feel as if he needs his space. I had an affair and my H reacted the same way. It's been a year since it's ended and he's coming around, but it truly takes a lot of time for them to get over it, and you have to be willing to let them mourn but be there for them without pushing too much. Your husband can make a turnaround, but he's probably too hurt right now to be able to deal with all of these emotions. Just let him know you love him and maybe suggest couples counseling? Be honest with him no matter what and show him in actions that you want to make this up to him. Give this some time, good luck.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Conner's got good advice. Give it some time. Hold on.<P>Lori

AnnR,<P>Well <sigh> the ball IS in H's court, as Connor said... very sad.<P>What I want you to do is <B>STOP</B> and realize that this is HIS choice, not yours, that you did the right thing by ending the affair, that you deserve respect and forgiveness because you are a human being who made a mistake and you are very sorry for it, and that you are worth saving and working toward. I'd say this: if you really want it to work out, don't sign the papers until you are ready. Go to counseling by yourself, if you must, and invite H later. Take care of yourself so you don't end up a physical mess, like me. Remorse and guilt are terrible things, but so is being continuously punished when you've begged for forgiveness. Your marriage can survive this, but at this point all you can do is take care of yourself, let your H know you don't want this divorce, and show him as much love as he can tolerate without pushing him away.<P>I feel for you, and I know the pain you feel.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

You are all so right. I am just so miserable. I probably need to see a counselor once a day!!!1 (just kidding). I don't know what to do w/ myself. I've painted the bedroom, cleaned out the toyboxes, even cleaned my windows. I just want my life back. I made a huge MISTAKE. I love my husband so much. I had everything a girl could want and I've screwed it up.

Ann,<P>Listen to me: I know you made a mistake, I've been where you are, HONEST!<P>It's good to feel remorse for the affair, and yes, that was a huge mistake. BUT, the marriage had problems to begin with and they weren't all yours. <P>Please, please take my advice and find a good counselor. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but a pastor or priest would be good too, especially if you can't afford a MFCC.<P>Listen, if you go back and read my first posts you'll see that I was RIGHT where you are right now. I felt so bad for so long that I am very sick right now. Don't let this happen to you. Cry if you must, but don't turn into a puddle of unhappiness. SHOW your H that you mean to fight for your marriage!!<P>I know you don't feel strong now. I know you're dying inside for what you did. I am so sorry... <P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

You just made a mistake, Ann, just like me and many others. You are remorseful and have chosen the best path, the one back to your husband so you're on the right track. Like NB said, you can't beat yourself up for this forever because we all make mistakes. It's learning from them is what counts. I went through so much of the same thing you're going through, I felt so horrible about what I did and knew my husband would leave, but he's still here! I wanted an instant reconciliation kiss and make up scenario but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. But you do have a good chance, just think of your husband as speaking out of hurt right now, he's probably put up a wall or two like mine did. I was exactly where you were feeling horrible about what I did but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just takes patience.

Unfortunately, my pastor was who I had my affair w/. He's been kicked out of the church ---- GOOD!!!! The church offered counseling to me. (wasn't that sweet?) Actually, I do think it was very thoughtful of them ... to think of me too. I did go see him once but haven't been able to go back until next week. <P>My husband travels a lot. I think that helped contribute but he's been traveling a long time. I knew this before we had children. I accepted that so ....<P>I just feel that I've given our marriage the death blow. I can't stand the pain of knowing what I've done to our family and my children's lives.<BR>

Believe it or not, Ann, I have some insight into that one too...<P>The pastor of the church we attended for five years, and for which I was the secretary, came onto me. I could go into a big story, but I won't here... I will say this though: it totally changed the way my H and I viewed religion, God and the church. I did not have an affair, but I loved him - as a pastor and a friend (some might say emotional affair, and I think that maybe I did get sucked into the idea that he loved me). My H certainly hated the man, and my children hate him too. He still has a church in town, and has come onto five women that I can count, although I have the dubious honor of having been the only one who saw his "bits and pieces"... but enough of that it makes me sick <P>So, see Ann... you <B>are not</B> alone - unfortunately, huh? There are scummy men of God out there and they are the worst ones. You trusted him because he was your spiritual leader and he abused that power. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Ann,<P>You sound like my wife did. She beat herself up. Between the two of us, it's amazing she wasn't black and blue all over (metaphorically speaking of course). Counseling will help YOU. You've got to learn that you're HUMAN. You make mistakes. However, you know NEVER to make THAT one again.<P>Give H some time. Divorce takes a long time. If you follow Dr. Harley's principles and start working on YOUR approach to the marriage, you might convince him that it will be worth a try.<P>I know from MY experiences that my W's instant remorse (much like yours) was a tremendous help. I don't know if I could have handled it if she had moved out or kept seeing OM. Believe it or not, your H is one of the lucky ones. You saw the error of your ways <I>immediately</I>. I just feel like he's BOUND to come around on this.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

This sounds so familiar! Since he had to admit to the congregation that he had an affair, about four other women have come forward w/ inappropriate behavior from him. I guess I was the only one stupid enough to have the affair w/ him. What was I thinking?!!!!!<P>He did abuse his power. But I consented and now I have to pay for the sin.<BR>

Ann:<P>I just thought of something else that might help get H to counseling. In addition to pointing out the benefit of going to help the kids, point out to him that you accept the mess you made here, and that he's certainly justified in his anger and hurt. Then, remind him that you put the marriage and his kids into a tough spot, but they need HIS help to get out of it. Make an effort to convince him that the counseling isn't for YOU, but for them because of this mess YOU made. <P>(Of course, you know, it takes TWO to make a mess like this. The betrayed spouse rarely has done absolutely NOTHING to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage. That's not to say that he helped cause you to have an affair, but he probably made it easier for you to decide to do it. I know I did that to my W. I'm suggesting that you play to the male ego and "admit" making a big mess and that the only way the family can get out of it is if the man of the family fixes everything. Kind of a "stroking the male ego thing. Do you think that might help or hurt the situation?)<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

I think that is awesome advice. It's so true. My H does have an ego and he should ... he is wonderful. Right now I am feeling that it is all my fault. Maybe the counselor can help. I know what you're saying is right but I just am accepting all the blame right now. <P>It helps to see things from a male point of view. One question, do men concentrate more on the sexual part of the affair rather than the emotional? I'm seeing that a lot w/ H.

I did at first. I couldn't believe Petunia would do that stuff with another man, especially one that she admittedly didn't love. It hurts to think of all the intimate things we did that she shared with another man. The thought of her being with him in that way is very disturbing.<P>However, I think I've come to realize that it was even worse that she shared INTIMATE thoughts with him. For women, sex is less animal, more intimate. My W needs to feel "connected" to get into sex. To think that she could have that connection with another man hurt worse than the actual physical acts she did.<P>I don't honestly know if we would still be together if she'd ever fallen in love with him. I think sharing her physically with him was awful, but the thought of him capturing a piece of her heart is unbearable to think about.<P>Really, it's all bad, but the thoughts of sex were worse early on. It does fade. It just takes time. (I know, you hate to hear that. So did I ).<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>