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#2752047 08/29/13 11:12 AM
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Got blasted by my own mother--saying I should have talked to them first before including so many strangers...
I emailed it so it would travel faster and get to more people and hit over 2 dozen of her closest friends and family (as well as my parents).
She has had an affair for over a year (by correspondence as the guy is a former high school boyfriend in prison) and I found out courtesy of one of our area FBI agents about 3 months ago. They wanted to know if I knew the content and extent of her correspondence with him--of course I did not. We have had a wonderful summer renewing our relationship and going to counseling. Then I find out she has still been in contact with him and I knew I had to expose it.
We have been married for nearly 19 years and have 5 boys ages 16-4. Still love her immensely.

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So sorry to hear about her affair. Did you also include your sons in your exposure?

Please take the time to read the Start Here First thread at the top of the forum.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Who did you expose to on OM's side?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I don't have access to any of his family's info and he is in prison far away from us...at least there is that. I did the best I could with what I had. The idea is get her to quit, right?

I thought I read all that already...did I do something wrong in posting?

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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
I don't have access to any of his family's info and he is in prison far away from us...at least there is that. I did the best I could with what I had. The idea is get her to quit, right?

I thought I read all that already...did I do something wrong in posting?

No you didn't do anything wrong by posting.

Will she write a NC letter?

Can you find out who his family is? If she went to HS with him does he family live in the same place?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH

I thought I read all that already...did I do something wrong in posting?


Certainly not! I just wanted to make sure you did read it because it contains the basics. I am glad you posted!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She will not stop contacting him, so no NC letter at this point. She will be so angry with me...oh well. Shoe is on other foot now, not interested in retribution--just healing and reconciling.

She already told his family when I found out. However, she only told her dad on her side...now her entire family knows.

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Have you told your children?

And what about contacting the OM's family? Would that be of any help? What is he in prison for?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He was convicted of child trafficking (though he says he sent them to a safe haven because his wife was abusing them--of course, my wife believes him!) but it is still an open case, which is why the FBI told me. At least one reason to like the FBI! They let me know what my wife never would.

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We need some more information.

- Is your WW independently employed?
- Do you and she share financial accounts?
- How did she initially contact scumbucket?
- Is your contact list (outside of conflict-avoiding Mommy) supporting you, or the skank your WW is becoming?

Evidence will show that in most cases, the first one/two weeks after exposure sets the direction for her future alignment - either "back to her marriage", or the dreaded "I don't/never did love you anymore and my true destiny lies with POSOM."

Your Plan A actions (strength, integrity, and duration) are what you have to work with to influence her to make the right decision.

So, you have to create as stark a contrast as you can:

Be the grandest husband she can imagine in things that do NOT facilitate or ease her continued contact and dalliance with this turd. No displayed anger, no insulting comments.

At the same time interfere in every possible way with that contact.

And you did yourself no good with your self-delusional "wonderful summer"; she was internally laughing at you the whole time. So the lesson to take away is that she is NOT to be trusted, in any thing, in any way. She will not suddenly get a call from a sick relative asking for a visit; she will be scheduling a conjugal visit with a certain inmate. Can you sign up for that mindset now, or shall you choose to be betrayed over and over?

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Yes, I just got off the phone with her and was up front with what I did. Just very matter-of-fact in my manner, calm rather than irate and I am already in the 2nd category you mentioned (not the "back to her marriage" category). She finally admitted she was planning on leaving once the boys were out of the house...that's going to be awhile, so I have time and this guy is not eligible for parole for 8 more years and lives 12 hours away. A lot can happen in that time and with the assistance of my wonderful children! I'm killing her with kindness.
No, she is not employed at all. She wants to finish her degree to become a nurse and she is not quite halfway there, so she still needs me whether she likes it or not. Yes, we do share finances. Only one income and a slim one at that, so there isn't much for her to siphon off...she's tried but was caught.

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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
He was convicted of child trafficking (though he says he sent them to a safe haven because his wife was abusing them--of course, my wife believes him!) but it is still an open case, which is why the FBI told me. At least one reason to like the FBI! They let me know what my wife never would.

Have you exposed to your children? Can you find his family?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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If she won't write a no contact letter you should invite her to leave now. No need for her to wait till the boys leave home. Don't allow her to continue her blatant adultery in your home.


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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
He was convicted of child trafficking (though he says he sent them to a safe haven because his wife was abusing them--of course, my wife believes him!) but it is still an open case, which is why the FBI told me. At least one reason to like the FBI! They let me know what my wife never would.


Have you told your children about her affair? Have you told everyone he was convicted of child trafficking?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
He was convicted of child trafficking (though he says he sent them to a safe haven because his wife was abusing them--of course, my wife believes him!) but it is still an open case, which is why the FBI told me. At least one reason to like the FBI! They let me know what my wife never would.

Have you exposed to your children? Can you find his family?


They know that John is her friend, they just don't know the extent and my mother is admant that I should not...I wasn't going to, but I am considering it more and more. It might get her to make a choice one way or the other, right?
His family already knows.

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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
She finally admitted she was planning on leaving once the boys were out of the house...that's going to be awhile, so I have time and this guy is not eligible for parole for 8 more years and lives 12 hours away. A lot can happen in that time and with the assistance of my wonderful children! I'm killing her with kindness.


Sad, you need to "admit" to her that this will lead to divorce much sooner if she will not end her affair. You need to start making plans to separate if she doesn't end it. Dr Harley recommends about 6 months of Plan A to men and if she doesn't end the affair in that time, you should consider a separation. Where would she live? How would she support herself?

Your first order of business needs to be to bust up this affair. Sitting on the sidelines will destroy your marriage. You need to be kind, but you also need to be FIRM about her ending the affair by DEMANDING she end it.

Can you please answer our questions about exposure to your children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I just did. I said I wasn't going to at first, but am rethinking that stance... They know we are struggling, but they don't know the why of it all.

It may be time to call for a family council and tell my boys that their mother wishes for me to divorce her and let her explain why. That sounds cruel, but it might get her to realize exactly what she is doing and how selfish it is.

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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
[
They know that John is her friend, they just don't know the extent and my mother is admant that I should not...I wasn't going to, but I am considering it more and more. It might get her to make a choice one way or the other, right?
His family already knows.


John is not her "friend," that is a lie. He is the enemy of her marriage and your children's family. Your mother is very wrong to tell you to lie to those kids. Your kids need to know the FULL truth. They need to know she is having an affair, with whom, her plans to dump you for him and the OM's full background. The children should be told BY YOU without forewarning your wife. Your children should be encouraged to speak to their mother about it.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of MArriage Builders, on telling the children:

Quote:
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

Quote:
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.



Quote:
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

Quote:
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

Quote:
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
[
His family already knows.


What were they told and WHO told them? Did you PERSONALLY speak to them? If this guy is married, have you spoken to his wife? Spoken to his parents? Have you written the prison authorities to try and stop this pig from writing your wife? Would that do any good?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: SadyetdevotedBH
He was convicted of child trafficking (though he says he sent them to a safe haven because his wife was abusing them--of course, my wife believes him!) but it is still an open case, which is why the FBI told me. At least one reason to like the FBI! They let me know what my wife never would.

Have you exposed to your children? Can you find his family?


They know that John is her friend, they just don't know the extent and my mother is admant that I should not...I wasn't going to, but I am considering it more and more. It might get her to make a choice one way or the other, right?
His family already knows.

Why haven't you told them the truth about OM? You did read the exposure thread on what Dr. Harley says about exposing to children??

How old are they?

ETA: I see you don't have to reread the exposure thread ML posted it to you above.

Last edited by BrainHurts; 08/29/13 03:09 PM. Reason: ML posted the same advice

FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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