Hello all,

I just recently discovered Dr. Harley and have been reading over his website. I have also read through some forum posts and think maybe someone here could offer me some helpful/thoughtful advice.

Before my husband and I married (during those blissful get-to-know-you months) I disclosed information about a past (7 years prior) sexual experience. I believe in complete honesty in a relationship which is why I shared the information. I regret that decision now. He was/still is completely appalled of what took place and we frequently argue about it.

We are at a stand still in our opinions. My opinion is that it is part of my past - does not define who I am as a person - and should be left in the past. His opinion is that he cannot move on from this until he confronts the person(s) involved. To me this is the most absurd-sounding solution. This experience took place well before I ever met him and for him to want to confront people from my past, with whom I have no contact with, completely baffles me. He wants me to disclose who they are and because I haven't he believes I am protecting them. I feel I am protecting him from making a fool of himself.

We decided to seek advice from our pastor and the advice given was for him to let go and move on so we could be happy and that confronting the past would do no one any good. He has not taken this advice to heart and I feel he never will.

At what point does someone get to keep their past in the past and not be punished for it?

From your message I'm assuming that somebody did something to you in the past (rape?) that makes him MAD at them. And he wants to kick their [censored]? Is that what's going on?

I'm not sure what to tell you, but I'd consider writing to the Harley's and seeing if they can address this question on their show. I'd be curious to see what he would say.

I do know he would say that rehashing the past over and over and over is destructive to your love though. So at some point he just needs to stop bringing it up unless you still need to talk about it.

hi mmh, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are right that the past should be left in the past, however, you have not been completely honest with him and I wonder if this is why he remains STUCK? How can he identify the potential foxes in the henhouse if he does not know names?

What does he want to confront them about specifically? Did you have an affair with a married person? Was this a pastor?

As far as the identity of these people and your actions of the past, it is real important that your spouse know as much as possible about you:

entire article here

To add to ML's post, one of Dr. Harley's rules of marriage is to never see or talk with a former lover again, whether an affair partner or a previous relationship before marriage.

How is your H to protect his marriage if he doesn't know the name of a past lover?

One of the first things we did when we signed up for the Marriage Builders course was complete a "Personal History questionnaire" answering pages of questions about our past for our spouse. One of the questions were:

Opposite Sex Relationship History
List all significant opposite sex relationships you had after High School (use separate sheet of
paper if needed):
Name
Your
Age
Other�s
Age
How Long Did
the Relationship Last?
Were You
in Love?
Sexual
Relationship?

here

No, I was not raped. I guess I can let it all hang out here... I participated in a threesome. Something I should have had better judgment about, yes of course. If I could go back and change my decision I would. I just don't see how confronting these people is going to be productive - it was 7 years ago! A lapse in judgement on my part but it is in my past. I feel no need to confront persons from his past that have wronged him. I feel like people learn from their mistakes, forgive themselves and move on to be better people.

Being open and honest about that is the right way to go, in my opinion.

If it was long before you met him I guess I don't understand why he is so hung up on it? Unless it somehow makes him (and regular sex with him) feel inadequate. Do you think he feels like he'll never live up to that experience (aka, lack of admiration for him as a lover?) Is your love life otherwise ok, are you meeting his need for SF adequately?

What would he confront them about? Were either married? Were they pastors? For what reason would he do that? Unless there is a very compelling reason, I agree with you he shouldn't confront them. You were a willing participant, after all.

That being said, he does have a right to know who they are.

He feels that he needs to let them know what we did was wrong. Yes it may have been, but I just don't see the point in it. I am no longer in contact with them and haven't been for years now. It is not something I hold on to and think about. It happened, period.

It has never seemed to affect us sexually. He (and I) have and still have sex as we should. Which is confusing to me because if he has such an issue with it how is he still able to be with me in such an intimate way? We will have a fight then be ok for weeks or month(s) and then it comes up again. I asked him if he had such an issue with with then why did he even ask me to marry him in the first place? He says because he loves me. Well doesn't love entail forgiving as well? Just as I forgive him when we fight and he calls me every dirty name he can think of. I feel like he is punishing me over and over again.

I don't see this as a matter of "forgiveness" since you did nothing to him. The fact that he calls you dirty names is a bigger issue, though. He is clearly very abusive and that has to stop. He seems to be using your past as a means to punish you.

I take it he has an anger management problem?

His anger is a problem and he knows this. In the heat of the moment though it seems he cannot control what comes out of his mouth. He always apologizes afterwards and says he knows he shouldn't treat me that way but it always happens again. I've told him to stop apologizing because they don't mean anything to me any more, they are just words. I love him very much but I often ask myself how much am I willing to put up with? We haven't been married very long, I don't want to just give up yet. I truly believe that if we can get past this we will come out much stronger as a couple on the other side.

But still, he says I have broken him and that I am letting this issue tear our marriage apart. I am completely at a loss as of what to do. I thought for sure seeing our pastor would help, but his advice to "forgive and move on" doesn't seem to have gotten through to him.

I don't think you should tell him anything until he gets his anger under control. When a person is angry, they are INSANE and not in control of their actions. If I were you, I would make it a condition of continuing in this marriage that he get his anger under complete control.

You don't have a marriage unless he gets on top of this. It is much, much more than just controlling actions, it is about learning to NOT FEEL that anger anymore. And he can be trained to do that.

Order the book, Lovebusters, and read the first five chapters with him. Also, go through this thread and listen to the radio clips together about how to control his anger: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165999&Number=2603602#Post2603602

Get that problem fixed FIRST and then you can work on the other problem. But as long as he has anger issues, you can't afford to give him information that will make him MORE ANGRY. Do you see what I mean?

How long married?

Any kids?

Any affairs on either side in the past?

Will he come here and let us speak to him?

In the book, Lovebusters, jump to Chapter 5, which focuses on angry outbursts. And I would not get a used copy of that book unless it is the 2008* revision.

*doublechecking this

Have you read this?
What to do with an Angry Husband

MMH,

I think one of the issues is that you and these 2 other people share an intimacy your H can never have a part of, especially if your H does not even know their names but you do. There should be no secrets between spouses.

When you H walks down the street he has to wonder is that person one of them, or that one, or the friend of my W's that I never liked, everyone in the world is potentially a suspect.

There is also a major issue, if this is the case, that you had sex with another female and he may feel completely inadequate as he doesn't feel he can every compete.

One thing you do not want to do is to participate in a threesome so your H can get even it would be poison for your marriage.

There is another point in that if you were underage at the time and they were older than you then there may be a basis for prosecution.

God Bless
Gamma

This all seems really weird to me. Getting mad at something my spouse did sexually in the past way before I met them seems insecure and immature, 'specially when it's continually brought up. If it's something he couldn't get over, then he shouldn't have married you. The last thing he should do is go on a rampage against a former lover.

I'm just trying to imagine myself in this situation where a husband came to angrily confront me about something that happened in the past. He would not be well received. It almost seems revealing the names would create a volatile situation. Yes you should be honest but it seems it might create a bad situation.

He needs to come here and get anger management. He's very immature. He can control himself but he chooses not to. And calling you names is abusive.

I would most definately put some boundaries up to protect yourself and part of keeping the marriage would be anger managment until he can respond appropriately. Dr. Harley would say the same thing.

He's keeping the issue alive because its an effective method of punishing you. Angry people need to feel in control. They also don't make much sense in their demands simply because anger makes no sense.

Melody Lane is right. You won't have a marriage until he gets his anger under control. Requesting honesty from you is one thing but abusing you and name calling is completely unacceptable.

If he really wants honesty, he has to provide a safe environment to receive it.

If he's so keen to get honesty, will he complete anger management therapy to encourage that safe environment?

It all makes sense. Her H has an anger management issue which ties in directly with his insecurities. He longs to control situations that make him feel inadequate/insecure. His anger is driving him to confront these other men in the hopes that he feels more in control, less inadequate. How's that for psychobabble?

Mmh his anger is your top concern. If he were to find a way to control his anger you�d stop fighting and he�d let go of this insecure need to confront men who are not of consequence in your M.

All,

Thank you so much for all the advice. We both realize he has anger issues and those need to be addressed and rectified. Currently he is in therapy for depression/anxiety and will address his anger as well. Although he fully believes what I did in my past has played a large part in his depression. Not sure how we will move on from that. I pray therapy helps!

We've been married 1.5 years (I know, such a seedling of a marriage), I have a daughter from a previous relationship - she is going to be 13 soon! No affairs on either end.

I believe whole heartedly that names should not matter and that revealing names will lead to a potentially volatile situation as well. I mean imagine someone contacting you out of the blue one day to confront you about something you did 7 years ago and don't even know the person! It is just completely ludicrous to me. He says confronting them will help him to move on but I just don't see how that will be positive in any way. Especially not in the state he is in at the moment. I just couldn't even fathom wanting to contact someone from his past. Everyone goes through things in life, who am I to judge someone for something they did much less confront someone I do not even know!