H went once and said it wasn't for him

He is atheist

The stories he heard from the people were mainly people who hit rock bottom in a different way to him ( he is still functioning in a highly paid job) and H said there was no common ground with the people using AA.

I am not convinced he accepts he is an 'alcoholic' - uses the phrases - I don't drink spirits ever and I don't drink in the day.

He knows he has an alcohol problem of some kind but feels he can control it

He hasn't committed to give up forever

He thinks CBT may fix him so he can join the world of the social drinker

He starts a 12 week CBT programme on Monday. He has been sober for 3 weeks and has lost half a stone in weight. Best I have known him do in the 30 years we have been together is around 20/21 days...

Then the binge comes and its always bad...

My friends are unconvinced...

This is the sort of research that led me to CBT:

2006, Vol. 15, No. 6 , Pages 683-695 (doi:10.1080/09638230600998938)
HTML
PDF (318 KB)
PDF Plus (321 KB)
Reprints
Permissions
Margo Watt1�, Sherry Stewart1, Cheryl Birch2 and Denise Bernier2
1Department of Psychology, St Francis Xavier University, Nova Scotia
2Dalhousie University, Nova Scotia, Canada
�Correspondence: Margo Watt, Department of Psychology, St Francis Xavier University, PO Box 5000, Antigonish, Nova Scotia, B2G 2W5, Canada mwatt@stfx.ca


Background: High anxiety sensitivity (AS; fear of anxiety sensations) is associated with frequent and problem drinking (Stewart, Samoluk, & MacDonald, 1999).

Aims: It was hypothesized that a program designed to reduce AS levels in young adult women would also result in a decrease in their dysfunctional drinking behavior.

Method: The brief cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) intervention was conducted in small group format. Participants were selected to form high and low AS groups, according to their scores on the Anxiety Sensitivity Index (ASI; Peterson & Reiss, 1992), and randomly assigned to participate in 3 one-hour sessions of either brief CBT (i.e., psycho-education, cognitive restructuring, and physical exercise interoceptive exposure) or a control group seminar (discussion about psychology ethics). Drinking measures were assessed at pre-treatment and 10 weeks post-intervention.

Results: Following the intervention, high AS participants in the CBT condition revealed significant reduction in conformity motivated drinking and emotional relief expectancies, as well as a 50% reduction in proportion meeting criteria for hazardous alcohol use as compared to other three groups.

Conclusion: Findings suggest that alcohol abuse might be effectively prevented among high risk individuals with a brief CBT approach targeting high AS, and that AS may operate as one underlying determinant of dysfunctional drinking behavior.

Declaration of interests: None.




Read More: http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09638230600998938

That makes sense, and was kind of what I had thought.

You might also look at Rational Recovery, or Smart Recovery.

Thank you- very grateful as I am researching as much as I can.

I will look at it carefully.

I have said that the 'hard limits' for the period of the CBT programme is not drinking relapses but:

1. Lies of any type, so if he has a drink he must tell me so we can re-evaluate the approach to his recovery
2. Visits to lap dancing clubs
3. Infidelity

These will cause an immediate file for divorce by me.

Drinking setbacks - if we have any drinking setbacks a new approach needed and separation continues.

OK...

He fell off the wagon last night big style

and lied to me about it until i proved his lies .

He is now crying that the separation is making him lonely ..

So is he going to get into rehab or what?

Where is he living?

He has a flat paid for by the company in a town 80 miles away from home (he used to commute and stay in a hotel at least one night a week.

Residential rehab is tricky as work would need to know.

He has said on the phone that he will now give up aspiration of social drinking as find a meeting to attend.

I asked him to tell our children and his parents as I feel exposure probably applies as well to lies about alcohol as to affairs.

We are due to have our 'date night' tonight. I said we should go ahead and I also said he could stay over with me and we could hold each other. (No sex - on that I was clear).

I have cried a lot. This morning I have taken my wedding and engagement ring off.

I said I'd file .... still feeling like giving him another chance if he now does AA or similar..

Thoughts please..

It all depends on his actions. I would watch his actions. Have him confirm to you about his meetings.

Yes he/you should tell the children and his and your parents about his alcoholism.

So many tears, so much hurt, so much pain..

I have made the decision... its over.

We need to divorce.

Such a shame...

What happened?

spoke with friends...

looked back over all the contracts i've had him sign over the years to no avail.

This promise not to lie was made in front of the marriage counsellor.

he says I'm overreacting - should just tell him off and accept that he is sorry and carry on trying..

But it was meant to be his last chance and I cannot stsy on this hamster wheel of promises made and promises broken..

It is mental anguish and I just want some peace..

Had this from the H


What I want:

To be in a mutually loving and supportive relationship with you that meets our individual and collective emotional needs for love and adoration
To make you happy, emotionally content and for you to know that you are my top priority and focus (with our children)
To be free from my dependence on alcohol
To be fit, healthy and active
To have a wide range of activities and interests that we pursue together and individually
To make a positive contribution to the lives of others and to my family and friends
To have the love, respect and admiration of my family and friends

My promises to you, to help achieve this:

I will never lie or cover up the truth about my behaviour
I will be 100% faithful
I will never enter a lap dancing club or any similar venue
I will commit to a programme of recovery from my alcohol addiction
There will be no second chances if I fail on the above

My programme of recovery from alcohol addiction:

I wish to abstain from alcohol and see abstinence as the key to my recovery, this is likely to be for life
I have joined the SMART Recovery programme and will use their methods and attend their online and face to face meetings for as long as necessary. I have made contact about a first meeting
I will complete my course of CBT, which I believe will complement the SMART Recovery Programme
I will discuss short term medication options with the GP asap
On an ongoing basis we will jointly review my progress
If I regularly falter, I will look at other options such as residential detox and AA
If I succeed for a significant period, say 6 months, we will review how to best ensure ongoing recovery

I ask you to allow me back into your life now and after 6 months review whether our relationship can work moving forward.

Hmmm..

Can you confirm he's in any of these programs?

How can you confirm that he stops drinking?
Confirm that he stops the strippers?

Will he commit to MB recovery program?

How are you holding up?

Thank you Brain Hurts for asking..really appreciate.

I am desperate just for peace one way or the other, i wish he would let me go without this constant fight or actually stick to his promises. I am scared that by giving him another go I just allow myself to be hurt all over again. There is a lot of unaccounted for hours and money on the days he fell off the wagon- i don't know if he went lap dancing or bought sex?

I think he will say he will commit to anything right now - Whether he can ever see it through is the problem.


He has offered for me to go to the GP with him.
He has not yet started CBT due to guys holiday (done into session only)
He says he has booked SMART recovery fot Saturday afternoon session..

I think you need to keep your distance until he has been in a recovery program for at least a year. He has said he would get into an Alcoholic program way too many times and no wonder you're beat down.

Are you preparing for Plan B?

Have you written the Harleys? What self-care do you have for yourself?

How are you eating? Sleeping? Exercising? How is your support system?

Don't allow his potential for recovery treatment be dependent upon any relationship negotiations.

That's as simple as i can say it.

IF, 6 months or so down the line you see progress, at THAT time, you "may" want to consider this newly sober person,but you don't have to.

The addict or alcoholic will choose their drug of choice as more of a priority..... Until they are on a solid and Very consistent recovery program, where they Want to recover, rather than need to be recovered.

LTL

**EDIT**

Your husband also needs to make sure that he is not fraternizing with women in his recovery process - recovering addicts are very vulnerable to infidelity through mutual meeting of Intimate Conversation.

Learned too late ...you hit the nail on the head. We had a phone call after this weekend and basically he was trying to find out how far he had to go to get me to agree to another chance... i am not convinced he can untangle the two.

We did separate away events at the weekend with our respective families (we always had a date conflict here). He did Friday night without drinking (didn't explain anything to his wider family). The Saturday he joined in with social drinking and had a great night and didn't get drunk...

During our conversation I think he realised that following this plan will not move me from my position that its over and that is why I now have an offer of an abstinence programme.

Our relationship is driving his plan for recovery- no doubt in my mind.

Brain hurts

I feel like your tag... my brain hurts too..

I have reread (lots) the advice I had from Doctor Harley... Wasn't sure I really had anything new to ask or if they could offer any more help...feels like I should be able to instigate divorce proceedings as he had his 'last chance' and blew it with days... i am so weak..

Plan B I hadn't considered .. hmmm as applied to breaking his relationship with alcohol? Could I find an IM (is that the right term) in the UK?

Support is mixed.
My mum 83 does want me to be happy to falls into the - he has a disease, you should bring him home and look after him camp
My brother also wants me to be happy but also sees it as a disease - told me a gruesome tale about a work colleague alcoholic who commited suicide a few months after his wife kicked him out. Thinks H will lose his job in the next few years and we need to tackle his underlying anxiety and support him to give up his job and live a simple life. (He offered to be someone for H to talk to-I've passed that on)

My best friend thinks I need out but understands why I may give him another chance, but that i need to protect himself... She acknowledges H is looking much better post his detox hol..lost weight and has been out with her H without drinking...major change.

My 3 other close friends think I should have divorced him years ago

My sister would never have forgiven his first affair..

i have put on 2 stone this year.. i am a stress eater (still not massive but stuff doesn't fit me!)

Thank you Holdherhand.

He has booked Birmingham which is nearer to me than him, but he hasn't got a nearer option.

He says he is not interested in other women- he wants me back ( borderline obsessed?- he doesn't like to lose, so may be more about that than me).

However i have no explanations for the evenings he fell off the wagon, other than falling asleep on a train and ending up in wrong place needing to get expensive taxi's back to his place.

On the Saturday I had an early night as I felt ill so didn't look at the tracker.

On the Tuesday i know his tracker was off from 6.30pm- 11.30pm when i went to sleep but was back on at 3.30am (in his flat). Could be per his explanation a flat phone battery... could be...?