H has offered for me to come to doctors with him tomorrow morning when he is discussing medication re alcohol.

I don't know how involved it is sensible for me to be?

It is HIS Dr. appointment, not yours.

If he is "beginning" to become serious about starting the road to recovery, he can best show that by following through, without you being there.

You should wish him well, but not be The Reason he may choose to quit drinking.

That's just my opinion. Detach from the alcoholic and "Maybe" some day, the sober version will show up, if you still have an interest in him.

LTL

I agree with this. I think he needs to do this on his own.

Don't let him make you feel guilty. If he tries then you know he isn't serious. This man hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

It is his appointment. If he is serious about HIS treatment for HIS alcoholism, he will do this on his own. Do not fall for the blameshifting of the alcoholic making this your issue to help them. If he thinks he can just become a social drinker after treatment, he has not hit his bottom. (yes my first ex thought he could become a social drinker as well.....lasted 2 weeks).

Follow Dr. Harley advice. You will be able to know if he is serious about his treatment before you are back in the midst of it all again.

Thanks to all..

I really needed that advice... his appointment not mine!

I will continue to insist he deals with his addiction before we can consider working on our relationship.

Really really appreciate you taking the time guys.

Thank you

TP,

I can't recall - do you drink at all? Do you keep any alcohol in your home? Beer? Wine? Liquor?

If you reconcile with your husband, these things will have to be removed from your home. For the fitness of your marriage to a person with a history of alcohol abuse, it will be best if you abstain from it as well.

Habits are easier left behind when they are absent from the home entirely.

I have no interest in drink. Never drink alone but will have a single drink when out to be social.

At Easter when I asked him back, my suggestion was we made to house dry and we emptied it of drink.

He said yes but put barriers up and no action...

Well H and I are back together. He has completed CBT and joined SMART recovery.September was lumpy, but then had major incident involving my ex OM, which possibly gave us our'rock bottom'

November and December have been smooth. No lapses that I am aware of. A drink free Christmas for H ...

Fingers crossed ..

Why are you back together when he hasn't even been six months sober, never mind a year as recommended by Dr H?

In what way was September "lumpy"? Was he drinking again?

What was the major incident with OM?

You said yourself that you have signed so many contracts with him and been down this road so many times before that you cannot trust his word, and yet you are back with him despite a resumption of your affair and a "lumpy" September. Why are you back with him?

Hi TP! Has he stopped drinking altogether? Two months is really not much time. Most alcoholics can go a couple of months to get someone off their back. That is not very much sobriety.

September was lumpy as H was grumpy as he stopped using alcohol. H was implicated but not admitting to some inappropriate behaviour with regard to ex OM. This caused ex OM to contact me when all advice is to have no contact, which I was sticking to.

H then realised that if ex OM took this behaviour to police or H's work, H could lose his job due to sensitive nature. We had a couple of weeks of real concern that our income could be lost. Ex OM has been kind enough to decide against advice not to take it any further but just log it.Contact has ended again,Ex OM has a new girlfriend.

I told H that if I had anymore such shenanigans to deal with I will file for divorce immediately. It was very stressful for H as well as me and seems to have really knocked some sense into him. He has stopped talking about getting back to social drinking, completed CBT and is in SMART recovery.

I felt DH's advise about spending enough time together to start to mend was probably the best way forward and we have introduced EP's .i am not wearing my wedding ring as I feel that old marriage is over, but I have started a new relationship with H. You may be right that it was too soon, but it felt worth trying with condition as per DH advise that if he fails separation restarts.

Hi ML,

I have no evidence of any slips since September and I can spot it pretty easily.

I can't say I have no fear that I may have jumped the gun and end up back on my hamster wheel .

We have done a few events together now with him not drinking, including Christmas parties. The house is alcohol free.

Hmmm

Thanks for the replies

TP

Hi all,

Just to update. H is still abstinent, CBT now complete, house still alchohol free. We have booked a family holiday to New Zealand for April, due to wedding invite, both our grown up children are coming and life is good.

...One day at a time...

We do love each other and had seriously lost our way.

Thanks for all the advise.

Ex OM was kind enough????
I assume that your husband perhaps offered to beat his worthless hide and OM called you and complained?

How many hours of Undivided Attention (UA Time) are you spending together weekly?

We are managing about 20 hours undivided plus lots OT texting, e mails, phone calls and planning our lives when we are apart.

And yes H does want to beat up ex OM but no that wasn't the nature of the alleged September incident.

six months on: Had this e-mail from H yesterday:

'I am happy and I love being your man. I am proud that you are my girl and I cherish our love and our relationship. I am looking forward to our life together.

It is 6 months to the week that you agreed to 'start again'. Despite some bumps, I believe that we have grown stronger together over time and that optimism should prevail.

I want you to know that I have no regrets about starting again and changing my life so that we can be together, none whatsoever. I believe I have shown you that I can be the person you want, but even more importantly to me, that I can be the person that I should be given my character and potential. Thank you for helping me realise this and giving me your love.

I love you so much.'

Thank you to all who helped (I know still early re the circs)