mmh, that does not give me much hope. Does this therapist specialize in anger management? His anger is wrecking your marriage and decisive steps need to be taken NOW. It doesn't sound like they are even an issue in counseling. That issue needs to take front stage until it is resolved.

Those steps are outlined in Chapter 5 in the book I outlined above. Did you listen to the radio clips on the link I posted?

The names matter very much but you can't give him the names until his anger problems are resolved and he agrees to not confront these people. He has a right to know the names of anyone you have had previous relationships with.

But that is precisely why he wants the names - to confront. I don't know if I could trust that he wouldn't do that. Otherwise, I would be more than happy to share...

MMH,

In the long term I see this as reveal or divorce, can you get him to agree to not physically harm the other persons? I'm in that place now because my W is stonewalling me on something which happened before we were married.

Do you understand that the fact that he doesn't know who they are is eating him alive? And even more so that in the future he has to question if anyone you see or communicate with is one of those persons? For all you H knows they are your current next door neighbors.

Were the other persons married? In which case exposing to their betrayed spouses is the right thing to do.

Was your H cheated on in previous relationships?

God Bless
Gamma

I would only reveal after he resolves his anger problems and only if he agrees not to confront. But first he must resolve his anger issues. And it doesn't sound like there is even a plan to do that in his therapy. That is where I would start.

He says he won't get physical, but he is so irrational when he is upset. He has never raised a hand to me but I am not so sure how he would react to another male.

So how are you going to handle your situation? I feel like he has put me (or maybe I did by saying anything at all) in a terrible situation. He says a wife should answer any question the husband asks of her. And he is probably right but at what expense? At the expense of strangers to him? I have never once lied to him or hid anything from him (obviously), I do not snoop through his phone or emails because I have trust. In fact I've not even asked many questions about his past relationships because I believe they don't or shouldn't affect our relationship.

I've told him that I do not communicate with them, haven't in a very long time and that they do not live in the city we live in. Apparently that is not good enough for him.

The persons involved were (and I assume still are) a married couple. I was approached by them. I was recently out of a long-term relationship and was feeling experimental at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 huh? If only I had known what the future would hold.

He has never said he was ever cheated on. So what am I to do? Reveal names and pray he takes it no further or say nothing and end up divorcing over a past sexual experience? Seems so silly to me. Am I the one causing all the hurt and bringing us down???

And you know then I told him, I wasn't regretful about what happened. I happened, I moved on. But he has just beat me down verbally so much over it, now I just feel like the most horrible, dirty person.

Maybe I shouldn't care what happens after I reveal names to him. Maybe I should just let him do what he feels he needs to do.

You have been strongly advised NOT to reveal the names to your husband until he has overcome his anger problems. And even then, he must agree NOT to confront them.

But the most glaring problem is that he must overcome his anger problems. MelodyLane asked if his current therapist is a anger management specialist. What is the plan to overcome his anger problems?

Remember, eradication of the anger is FIRST and foremost.

No, I will not reveal names just yet. I am just getting to the end of my rope. I am starting to doubt myself - am I completely missing the mark here? Am I being stubborn to a point that I am the one ruining the marriage??

mmh, did you read my posts? I feel like we are covering the same ground.

mmh,

Did you read this?

Have you told him. I can't even fathom telling you the names when I don't feel safe in doing so because of your anger.

Did you read the what to do with an Angry Husband thread I posted to you?

Yes, I've told him that I think he is being completely irrational and that I won't tell him especially when he is upset.

I did read your "Angry Husband" post. The last time he got angry I left the house. I did go back an hour or so later, but I needed to be alone. It freaked him out that I left and we haven't fought since then although it's only be a week. I am hoping he will realize that I am serious when I tell him his outbursts stop or I will leave and it could be for good. It isn't what I want. What I want is to be treated like a human being, no HIS WIFE, and be respected. I truly hope and pray we can get help and move on from all of this and be a stronger couple than ever.

Good. So will he get into an anger management program? What are you prepared to do if he has another AO?

Will he talk with Dr. Harley?
Have you seen this?
Anger Management 101

ok, but what is being done about it? Having no plan is a plan to fail. How about getting the book I suggested and showing him the chapter on Angry Outbursts along with the radio clips. Tell him he has to do something about it NOW becasue you will end the marriage otherwise. He needs to have a concrete plan to change this or it won't work. Just bringing it up to a therapist is not going to solve the problem.

I will look into getting the book. I just listened to the radio clips, and it is all great advice if the person can be of sound mind in the moment to realize that they need to calm down and relax.

I've tried these tactics myself. Whenever I see the situation is going downward I tell my husband that this isn't going well, we need to back off from each other and take a bit to cool down and collect our heads. That arguing like we do doesn't help us at all. I can normally stay calm, and collected but when I tell him these things he gets angrier telling me that he doesn't need to calm down, he is angry and it's ok for him to be angry. Anyway I digress..

I am not sure how he will react to me posting here, I am not ready to share that. But I will show him the website and ask him to read through the Harley's tactics and advice.

mmh, if he won't get his anger under control, Dr Harley would tell you to separate until he DOES. When he is in a rage, he is insane and is not safe for you to be around. I don't think he is going to change unless you do separate. He needs to see how serious you are.

I would get the book and present him with a plan. Tell him he has to get this under control or you are separating. And I don't just mean learning not to ACT on his anger, but in FEELING anger. He needs to learn not to FEEL it anymore.

I would share that and be very direct with him. You can't afford to not be direct about this. Beating around the bush and hoping he finds the right answer is not going to solve the problem.

In addition to this.

What is your plan if he has another AO again?

MMH,

Some of the issues you are having were discussed in my recent thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2744283#Post2744283

God Bless
Gamma

Geesh, lets hold on a second here. The man wants to know the name of previous SEX PARTNERS of his wife. There should be no secrets.

**edit***

I do agree with you that he should not conront them as they owe him nothing. Good luck.