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#2752375 08/30/13 06:22 PM
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Hi all,

My Sitch:
My wife and I are 24 y/o and were married for 3 years, together for 5. Our relationship was very good, and all of our friends and family would tell us how perfect we were together.

Then about a month ago, her ex-bf moved back to town and she started texting him and then invited him over to catch up one day. I was slightly apprehensive, but I also didn't want to be an insecure/controlling husband and say 'NO, NEVER'. I now know that this was actually what I should have done especially since... *sigh* the last time he was coming back to town (before we were married) we actually talked about how she didn't know what would happen when he came back and that she might still have feelings for him. /facepalm

When he came back the first time, she realized he wasn't the same and we stayed together and all that blew over and we would even joke about it. So this most recent time he came over, the 3 of us all hung out together and everything was pretty alright.

Well I guess that sparked something (obviously) and my W told me that they had kissed when I wasn't there and that she was now 'confused'. We took a few days apart, and then she said she needed to be with him. It was terribly sad, but then the next day she came back and said she had made a mistake.

We stayed together for a couple weeks - kind of a Plan A thing, I guess - and things were a bit better, but it was still awkward. She kept texting him and they were 'just friends' now, but she all of a sudden wanted to be left alone a lot more than usual. I was less naive this time, so one day when she came home, I confronted her and said that if she truly wanted to be with me she wouldn't be texting him. She agreed to not text him while we were working things out, but once we got talking, I realized she didn't even want to try with the marriage, so I told her that she needs to just be with OM.

Also while talking, we agreed that we had slightly become roommates and that we didn't have sex as often as we should be (probably about 1-2 times every 2 weeks). That seemed to be the only marriage problem that we could think of.

After that, I packed my bags and left the house (my choice). She did seem very remorseful and apologized for the feelings she has. We've only been separated for about 10 days, but I was just wondering what advice anybody had for me regarding what my next move should be or what kind of chance do we have of reconciling?


This is the longest thing I've ever posted anywhere, so thanks for reading! smile


Last edited by ClickityClack; 08/30/13 06:25 PM.
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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Hi all,

My Sitch:
My wife and I are 24 y/o and were married for 3 years, together for 5. Our relationship was very good, and all of our friends and family would tell us how perfect we were together.

Then about a month ago, her ex-bf moved back to town and she started texting him and then invited him over to catch up one day. I was slightly apprehensive, but I also didn't want to be an insecure/controlling husband and say 'NO, NEVER'. I now know that this was actually what I should have done especially since... *sigh* the last time he was coming back to town (before we were married) we actually talked about how she didn't know what would happen when he came back and that she might still have feelings for him. /facepalm

When he came back the first time, she realized he wasn't the same and we stayed together and all that blew over and we would even joke about it. So this most recent time he came over, the 3 of us all hung out together and everything was pretty alright.

Well I guess that sparked something (obviously) and my W told me that they had kissed when I wasn't there and that she was now 'confused'. We took a few days apart, and then she said she needed to be with him. It was terribly sad, but then the next day she came back and said she had made a mistake.

We stayed together for a couple weeks - kind of a Plan A thing, I guess - and things were a bit better, but it was still awkward. She kept texting him and they were 'just friends' now, but she all of a sudden wanted to be left alone a lot more than usual. I was less naive this time, so one day when she came home, I confronted her and said that if she truly wanted to be with me she wouldn't be texting him. She agreed to not text him while we were working things out, but once we got talking, I realized she didn't even want to try with the marriage, so I told her that she needs to just be with OM.

Also while talking, we agreed that we had slightly become roommates and that we didn't have sex as often as we should be (probably about 1-2 times every 2 weeks). That seemed to be the only marriage problem that we could think of.

After that, I packed my bags and left the house (my choice). She did seem very remorseful and apologized for the feelings she has. We've only been separated for about 10 days, but I was just wondering what advice anybody had for me regarding what my next move should be or what kind of chance do we have of reconciling?


This is the longest thing I've ever posted anywhere, so thanks for reading! smile

You are both young. No children and a short marriage. Your wife is already cheating on you after such a short time. I would suggest you divorce and find a more suitable spouse using MB principles.


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Thank you for your reply.

We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.


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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Thank you for your reply.

We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Thank you for your reply.

We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
CC, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here.

I'm going to agree with the other posters: you haven't been married long, or even been together for long. And you are both very young. She has proven herself incapable of staying the marital course for even the short run. Cut your losses and file for divorce.

YOU keep the animals.


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Yes, I'm familiar with those links and the Plan A/B thing. I'm familiar with all of this SINCE the separation, though. We innocently thought that our marriage was actually better than most and that we didn't have to work on anything. We were best friends, had communication, financially secure (bought a house together), and showed affection. I think our sex life could have used some attention, but I don't think going off with her ex was the best solution to that.

That's why I thought that maybe we had a decent chance of reconciling, because we had awesome communication and rarely any disagreements, instead of it just being labelled 'young love'. In the end, I know either way it will be for the best. I'm just mostly sad that I don't have my best friend anymore.


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Well, you and she PROBABLY will end up divorcing, but.....

Do you want to go out on YOUR terms, with WW feeling like the trollop she has proven herself to be, instead of you mourning the loss of your purported "best friend"??

1 - EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her entire world - her parents, her siblings, her friends, her sorority sisters, her clergy, her hairdresser. Make it very simple: "WW has recently abandoned her marital vows to chase after POSOM. I would consider reconciling, if she sees the error of her actions, and would ask you to use your influence with her to make those errors plain!"

2 - EXPOSE TO POSOM'S WORLD as well. Don't be so polite with the accompanying note.

3 - MOVE BACK HOME (your choice). Do not forewarn her, just walk through the front door and into YOUR bedroom.

Live by NG's Corollary: Do not suffer ulcers; inflict them!

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Is the bf married?


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And who has this been exposed to?


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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
That's why I thought that maybe we had a decent chance of reconciling, because we had awesome communication and rarely any disagreements, instead of it just being labelled 'young love'.

The reason people are giving you this advice...

Recovery is a VERY hard road (2-5 years). Children and a good long marital history are great motivators for both parties -- the WS to make radical changes and the BS to work through the triggers and the betrayal. You don't have EITHER of those motivators to push you through here.

That being said, you can take the path that gives you BOTH options (recovery or divorce) and decide later. You don't have to decide now! I would agree with NG and go forward with exposure.

Last edited by SusieQ; 08/30/13 07:37 PM.

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
And who has this been exposed to?
I agree. Whether you D or not, this still needs to be exposed.

This is your M. Do you want to fight for it? It's your choice. If you want to, we can help you with the plans.

When can you move back in?


FWW/BW (me)
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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Well, you and she PROBABLY will end up divorcing, but.....

Do you want to go out on YOUR terms, with WW feeling like the trollop she has proven herself to be, instead of you mourning the loss of your purported "best friend"??

1 - EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her entire world - her parents, her siblings, her friends, her sorority sisters, her clergy, her hairdresser. Make it very simple: "WW has recently abandoned her marital vows to chase after POSOM. I would consider reconciling, if she sees the error of her actions, and would ask you to use your influence with her to make those errors plain!"

2 - EXPOSE TO POSOM'S WORLD as well. Don't be so polite with the accompanying note.

3 - MOVE BACK HOME (your choice). Do not forewarn her, just walk through the front door and into YOUR bedroom.

Live by NG's Corollary: Do not suffer ulcers; inflict them!
I'm with NG on this. IF you want to save your marriage, this MIGHT help. In any event, I agree with exposing the affair. Exposure will serve notice to everyone in your WW's life that she is betraying your marriage. If you don't expose, you will give her the ability to explain to everyone that the two of you 'just really didn't get along' - or, 'you married too young', or 'CC doesn't know how to meet my needs'.

I agree. Expose the affair. And get back into your house and marital bed.

Don't give up without firing a shot. I'm sorry I suggested otherwise earlier.


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Thanks NeverGuessed, I will definitely consider this!

SusieQ,

Bf is not married (he is also unemployed, so that's nice).
As for exposure: my family knows, her family knows, (she works for her dad, so her employer know), most of the people at her work know, and my friends know. Everybody I've talked to couldn't believe she could do this and thought that everything was going so well for us. Her brother is SUPER on my side and said he reminds her daily that she's never going to find anybody like me again and that she's being selfish. I can tell that's how everybody else feels, even though they might not being actively rejecting her decision.

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Have you read through the exposure thread?

What exactly did you tell these people? Did they confront your WW?

From your answer to NG, that means this was not exposed to OM's family & friends. I would go ahead and do that.


Last edited by SusieQ; 08/30/13 07:45 PM.

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Thank you, this helps.

I was just thrown into a bout of denial since everybody seemed to advise to just jump to a divorce while my expectations were different. However, I came here for advice and that's what I'm getting. I appreciate everybody's posts and wisdom and will SINCERELY take all suggestions to heart.

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I have not read the exposure thread - looking now.

And I think I have to clarify that I now realize that I haven't really 'exposed' anything to anybody on her side, I was just listing the people who know that we aren't together right now. Her brother (the supportive one) and her mother are the only ones on her side that definitely know everything.

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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583


Here it is, Exposure 101.

That's precisely why I asked you. Most people's instincts are exactly the opposite of what MB teaches. And that's why most people spin their wheels with not much progress until they get here.

Everyone must be told this is an AFFAIR. Not some whitewashed version of the truth and you need to ask for their help and ask them to confront your WW.

Please read through the thread!


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I appreciate everybody's posts and wisdom and will SINCERELY take all suggestions to heart.

While we've got you nodding, let's keep rolling....

We need some more data:
- Is WW employed to an extent that would permit her to support herself?
- Is your state one in which adultery can be used as a reason for divorce? Is it a state in which an "alienation of affection" suit is possible? (Find out!)

DO NOT tell WW about your imminent exposure. Doing so will enable her to do intense "damage control" that vitally weakens the SHOCK your action is designed to inflict!

I would have the exposure package out, and yourself back home, TOMORROW! Any delay lets the idea of "singleness" become more palatable to WW.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by ClickityClack
Thank you for your reply.

We have animals, does that count? It just felt like we actually had an excellent base for our life together, but you're right that if she's cheating now, who knows what we'll have to go through in the future.
Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard
The Exposure thread is in here. Also please read the other threads also.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by ClickityClack
I was just thrown into a bout of denial since everybody seemed to advise to just jump to a divorce while my expectations were different.

Not to throw cold water on you, but...you should be discouraged.

It is harder for me to understand affairs in newlyweds. Three years into my M with no children was a completely different thing than 10+ years in with children, no more time alone, etc. Home life was stressful, life at work with the coworkers was fun and exciting, etc.

Your WW may just be one of those types of people that needs that "zing". Additionally, it sounds as if she actively pursued this affair vs it being an opps, how did this happen kind of thing.

This is where those radical changes I mentioned before would come in. The two of you would have to create a lifestye where an affair would be virtually impossible. That means no more FB and texting with male friends/coworkers, etc., spending all of your free time together. She very well may NOT willing to agree to any of this, given that you do not have children and she can walk away from this marriage pretty easily.

Just something to think about.

Last edited by SusieQ; 08/30/13 08:38 PM.

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