When you get yourself healed and healthy you will be more wise to see the unhealthy signs and you will avoid them. You will meet a wonderful woman that treats you the MB way.

That's one of the best things about MB. The more you learn the program the better you will become.

I'm definitely looking to be healed up. I do feel that I'm much better prepared for a healthy relationship. I still have a lot to learn I'm sure, but I've taken some good strides this time around.

When that relationship comes, I don't know. I am smart enough to know right now I'm not ready for it. Not until the love (or whatever it is in me right now) for D is gone. I don't want to carry more baggage into a relationship than I have to.

I am looking forward to not thinking about D for the majority of my day though. It really is a pain to have those thoughts in my head. Funny, I can't wait for about a month in the future, just so I can "hopefully" be through this.

Grs

Today has been a tough day. I got out of work very early and ran all my errands early as well. Now I've got so much time on my hands that I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to go out and watch a baseball game later, but it's been tough. I'm very worried about losing my job and D texting me last night did put me back a step or two.

It truly has been a tough day. I can't wait till I'm able to feel things that are enjoyable again. Logically, I know I will. Emotionally, I'm the shell of the guy I used to be. I miss me.

Grs

Do you have any friends or family you can be with for a bit?

No family, but friends. But I'm the buzz kill right now, and even though they understand, they don't totally understand. I get comments like "just get over her", "you shouldn't feel that way, you're better off" that sort of thing. They don't understand that even though I am better off, I still have these feelings. And they are very real. I was a rescuer and a victim with her. I have a hard time dealing with emotions, and I feel them very strongly. I agree that "I just need to get over her", but I have trouble doing it. I don't know that they can really relate with my feelings...

Hence why I kind of pour them out here. I do know that I'll be ok and make it through this, but sometimes I just want to talk about it. And talk about how I'm feeling. Also, I'm having issues dealing with the stress of job loss at the same time. It makes a lot of things out of my control, which I've found out is a problem for children of alcoholics. And it definitely is a problem for me. I don't want to make excuses, but I've learned a lot about myself with the alcoholism in the family. I just thought it was normal for me and I was just different. Like maybe something was just wrong with my brain. I didn't realize they these might be learned behaviors and defense mechanisms. It definitely gives me a LOT to work on and think about.

Grs

It still hurts and we understand. Sorry about the job stress. Financial stress is no fun.

Have you had a chance to get Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders yet? That book is a great book to get prepared for relationships.

Also have you read about what Dr. H recommends about dating 30 people?

I have another question for you, how well did you and your XGF use POJA?

We also say around here that dating is like an interview for marriage. You wouldn't hire someone if you had learned they embezzled from their last company, correct?

She failed the interview miserably, friend.

She did. And it is just annoying that I'm still stuck on her. My brain and heart are on completely different levels.

I don't know that things have honestly gotten much easier since we did break up (I really consider it 3 weeks ago, that was the last time I saw her). Things for me are still super difficult.

And I'm a little mad that she can move on so easily and not have to go through anything that I'm going through.

Grs

Forgive me again, what's POJA?

Hi GrsEvo, you are getting great advice from Indie, GG, and Brainhurts, but I wanted to comment on the above statement. It was not the death of a dream, but the death of a nightmare. You came very close to turning your life into a nightmare. She is probably an alcoholic and as the others have said, very impulsive, vindictive and very unstable. She is a tornado that just moves through people's lives. She didn't make your life any better, she made it worse. She used you and then moved on.

Another huge concern is living together before marriage. Living together wrecks relationships because they are, by definition, renters relationships. I hope you take the time to read Dr Harley's articles on how destructive living together is: Living Together Before Marriage:
Compatibility Test or Curse?

You would also really benefit from posting on this forum because the posters here are very astute at what traits make good candidates.

Good luck!

It's one of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.

Here Basic Concepts

If it helps, I dated a woman who had the same effect on me. She said all the right things and I thought we had a good thing going - until she said that the guy she broke up with recently wants to "try again"... I asked how come she never told me about him, she said "you never asked"...

Anyway, we parted, and I had a really hard time getting her out of my mind - she continued to contact me while "trying" with the ex-BF, asking how I was doing, sending me thoughtful birthday gifts, etc... I was on verge of moving on when she came back and said that she is done with the ex-BF and we can try again.

Like a fool I did, and of course she disappeared again. But wait, there is more . She came back a third time, and I gave her the third chance. You know how that movie played out, right?

Anyway, the point is that of course I knew she was trouble after the first fiasco, but she was always able to suck me back into dating her - no one else has had such a poisonous effect on me, and I still cannot really explain it.

All I know is that after enough time has passed, I realized what a bullet I dodged - if we had become married, she would have always been able to have this unhealthy power over me, far from a balanced and stable relationship that I wanted.

So as much as it sucks, your only solution is to move on and not look back - when you meet the right woman, who treats you well and does not play games, then you'll see just how unhealthy this one was.

AGG

Thanks AGG, and I know that is the case. It's just challenging for me to get there. My identity was that relationship. I was a total giver / rescuer. And I need to find myself again, but I'm having trouble. I'm sure it's just a matter of time, but I'd like that time to go a little quicker.

And the stress of losing my job possibly this week ( I think it's almost a sure thing) is adding to the fear and anxiety. Making every second of the weekend take longer than it should. Making my brain work overtime.

BH, while we didn't know it by name, we did practice that in the beginning. But we lost it somewhere in the relationship. Also, we founded the relationship on radical honesty, except for me hiding my ex... But we also lost that along the way too. It's hard for me to say when it happened, but it did.

GrsEvo, You have known this girl for 11 months and you were already enmeshed with her to the point you lost yourself!

Ask yourself WHY you got involved over your head while there were clear RED FLAGS being waved right in front of you from the beginning.
If dating is an interview, you should have rejected her while reading her Curriculum Vitae!

As for your job: you are not functioning as you should because you received a serious emotional blow!
IT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL!

The first thing I changed was to put MYSELF as my first priority instead of my carreer. I accepted that this move might cost me my high paced IT job... but my healing is much more important than the software I fix!!!

I have been working at 50% of my capabilities for the last 11 months and it has been showing clearly.
They have not fired me yet... to my own surprise!
and when they do, I'll see that as an oportunity to pack my bags and travel South-East Asia until a new contract pops-up.

IT Project Managers as yourself are in high demand everywhere on this planet! If I feel anxious about being fired, I just google my expertise... :-)

GM, thanks for the post!

I agree, I'm completely taken by surprise how enmeshed I got with D in such a short time. Honestly for a lot of the time, I was not even close to "as I to her" as I am now. And the red flags? I thought she could pull through them. I thought that they weren't her fault and that she had a rough past that she could overcome. I was obviously wrong.

But, I'm a rescuer, and I did rescue her out of so many situations. It was the PERFECT hobby for me. And validated me through her. I totally understand this is a huge character flaw, and that I should work on this aspect of me. I just can't seem to get there. I can see myself from a third party perspective. A nice guy, good looking, decent job, and caring. But from a first person perspective, for some reason can't believe it. being on the cusp of losing my job ( they do understand what I'm going through and support me, but they're out of money. No projects mean you don't need a project manager....) makes it that much harder to believe I'm worth anything.

Also, I have a SEVER problem with anxiety. I'm sure it stems from my childhood somehow, but I don't remember / have repressed why. All I know is that I have physical pain from the amount of anxiety I receive, and it's paralyzingly. It keeps me from being able to live. And I'll be honest, I wasn't employed for a year before, and that was the most anxiety I've had in my life up to this point. But this amount of anxiety puts that to shame. It's actually a little scary. And I tried Celexa to try to manage it, but it didn't work at all. It actually increased my anxiety by a considerable amount.

I know in my head I'm lucky, but emotionally I refuse to believe. But, in the mean time I know that I'm doing everything I can to fix my character flaws. I don't want this to happen again, and I do want to choose a good wife (and be chosen well!). It's just overwhelming right now, and I'm functioning at much lower capacity.

Also, making the transition from the gaming industry to a more "normal" industry scares me to death.

Grs

I would say you THOUGHT you were using RH and PoJA because she was a good liar.

However her real gameplan was 'get what I can now and split later'

When you agreed to move her in as a 'temporary' measure - she wasn't honest about agreeing to that. She got snarky whenever you brought up her moving out because your opinions were not part of her decision making.

She never intended finding her own place. She was not honest about that. She never cared what you thought/felt about supporting her either.

She is not even a renter, she's a freeloader who will live with a long succession line of men in order to avoid responsibility.

That's normal.

The emotions are an unconscious mechanism which do not use thought.

When you're through a withdrawal period, they will go away.



You don't have to believe, you just have to do it.

You don't have to believe in gravity to drop something.

Set down the rules for finding a suitable partner.

Then do it. Believing or not.

There's plenty of time for belief later.

And anxiety is not just something from childhood experiences but has a genetic component to it.
Nature plus Nuture.

You need to work learn to recognize it for what it is........and be respectful of yourself and accepting that it is something you will deal with and can learn to deal with better and better with experience and understanding.

IG, I agree, I thought it was those two aspects, but neither of us performed them correctly. And I do think she really tried to be that girl for me, a nice supporting simple girl. In the end, it wasn't her really. She reverted into her true self, which was a lot uglier than I thought.

Nothing I can do except stick to plan B (though I'm not married) and go dark for her. I'm just hoping that I can get better. I can barely live it feels like with the anxiety eating me up. It's a real challenge for me. And my sister also believes that we're likely wired to handle anxiety poorly, or feel it stronger (whichever might be the case).

I'll be honest, I have no idea how to deal with the anxiety. I get physical pain from it, and I can't seem to function. It's a little scary. Last night it was so bad my teeth hurt, I had never experienced that before. Usually it just feels like my skin is on fire and my tendons in my arms are in serious pain. Odd side effects to anxiety I know....

I also deal with jealousy that she is happy and I'm not. That she can move on like she did and I can't. I know in the long run I'll be better for it, but I could use a little break from these feelings. I'm impressed anyone makes it through this kind of thing, because mine is small in the grand scheme of people on this board. And I'm dealing with it pretty weakly.

Grs