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#2753427 09/06/13 10:35 PM
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When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem. I feel pigeon-holed in two ways:

1. If I respectfully tell my wife that something she said or did makes me feel bad she always tells me that I'm just taking it the wrong way. In essence she doesn't have make these changes because in her mind it's really just my character issue of taking things the wrong way. In other words she tells me how I need to think.

2. When my wife asks me to do something, she always attaches a reason. Problem is the reason aren't really reasons they are excuses. In other words, she just doesn't want to do it so she wants me to do it for her. An example would be, "Can you walk the kids to school so that I can get ready?" Seems reasonable, but the truth is she isn't really getting ready for at least an hour. So when I comply and I come home and she hasn't even begun the process of getting ready I have to conclude her intentions were to gain at my expense. In the mean time I've put off handling customers and returning email in the process.

I guess what I'm saying is that my wife's life experiences have caused her to build many sub-conscious protection instincts and this is interfering with her ability to be honest. I'm not looking for some exemption or exception, I'm truly here trying to figure out how communicate with her about what bothers me, respectfully, without having it make her feel bad.

I have an unwilling participant here in MB and I've been at it for over two years. It is kind of getting old and I'm looking for a fresh perspective.

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Welcome to MB.

Would she be willing to do coaching or online program?

What books have you read?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Welcome to MB.

Would she be willing to do coaching or online program?

What books have you read?

BH I'm not new to this. My wife and I both used to be here but MB is also a LB in her book. No, she is not willing at this time or perhaps ever. I've read every single book Dr H has ever created. Background is that someone suggested that I "start snooping" at one point. It wasn't a bad idea, but I went about it the wrong way and ended up accusing her of an affair 4 times in 4 months. I was in a bad place at the time and it wrecked this program to a degree that made it unrecognizable in the eyes of my wife. In the meantime I've changed to become the man I've always wanted to be, but she has decided not to follow. The hard part is things aren't horrible to be honest. I mean needs are half-met if that and she is much less disrespectful as compared to before, but I still know that we do not have a great marriage and we may never have one. To her she is a resounding success as compared to her parents. To me we are a failure as compared to my parents. It is all perspective I guess. I have this idea of being madly in love with each other but I don't think she is capable of that so I'm trying to squeeze everything I can out of the lemon to make it as best as it can be. Is she worth divorcing all things considered? No. She is selfish objectively speaking, but when we do spend time it is quite fulfilling, but when she is stressed and feeling bad about herself it can be quite a drain.

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What do you mean you accused her 4 times? Did you have any evidence? Suspicions?

What were they?

So how much UA time are you getting?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What do you mean you accused her 4 times? Did you have any evidence? Suspicions?

What were they?

So how much UA time are you getting?

No evidence, this was my point. I was emotional and irrational and didn't follow the steps. My wife never cheated on me but my accusations were so devastating that she blamed MB forum advice rather than me.

UA time is better than before but more like 5 hours a week instead of 15. MB is a LB to my wife. Good to year from you again, I'm HopelessAndOutOfEnergy. smile In other words my wife regularly patrols the forum to see if I'm posting and it makes more sense to start a new thread. Make sense?

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Yes makes sense.

Have you ever emailed Dr. Harley?

So how long has it been since you've become the man you've always wanted to become?

Is there anyway to increase your UA time?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Yes makes sense.

Have you ever emailed Dr. Harley?

So how long has it been since you've become the man you've always wanted to become?

Is there anyway to increase your UA time?

I just had my email read on yesterday's show about my wife being a narcissist. Might be a bit off, but I've been grasping at straws of late. Dr H said my plan was much like anarchy which doesn't work and I quickly threw it aside.

I've been that man for a year or so I'd say. I've been in a constant state of reinventing myself with the goal of getting my wife to fall in love with me but it just hasn't panned out. She is very selfish still. We had our anniversary and we went for a run together and had an amazing day. It went back to normal though and we ended up getting in a dispute a few days later. It was much the same to be honest. She was rude and I told her I didn't like how she made me feel and she told me I took it the wrong way, etc. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm getting somewhere and then realizing that I'm not. Kind of sucks but then again we are so much healthier than before. I give her some credit for that, but mostly me. In any case maybe I can find a snippet to work with that I didn't catch before. Steve is $225 an hour and I have a wife that is an unwilling participant so it is hard to part with that much dough knowing that I'm working with someone that is unwilling to work the MB program you know?

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I know who exactly who you are, HL. The background covered it.

I would advise that you continue to do as you have been doing, and doing everything you can to; eliminate every last Love-Busting habit of yours, and to inform her when she Love-Busts you.

You don't have to mention or reference this program to your wife to LIVE the program, KWIM?



"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Yes makes sense.

Have you ever emailed Dr. Harley?

So how long has it been since you've become the man you've always wanted to become?

Is there anyway to increase your UA time?

I just had my email read on yesterday's show about my wife being a narcissist. Might be a bit off, but I've been grasping at straws of late. Dr H said my plan was much like anarchy which doesn't work and I quickly threw it aside.

I've been that man for a year or so I'd say. I've been in a constant state of reinventing myself with the goal of getting my wife to fall in love with me but it just hasn't panned out. She is very selfish still. We had our anniversary and we went for a run together and had an amazing day. It went back to normal though and we ended up getting in a dispute a few days later. It was much the same to be honest. She was rude and I told her I didn't like how she made me feel and she told me I took it the wrong way, etc. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm getting somewhere and then realizing that I'm not. Kind of sucks but then again we are so much healthier than before. I give her some credit for that, but mostly me. In any case maybe I can find a snippet to work with that I didn't catch before. Steve is $225 an hour and I have a wife that is an unwilling participant so it is hard to part with that much dough knowing that I'm working with someone that is unwilling to work the MB program you know?


A hard-headed, stubborn, snippy wife can be turned around by a patient and respectful husband.

Quit keeping score, and get your side of the street SHINING.

P.S. - don't get yourself tangled in "disputes"... which, is of course, a way to say ARGUMENT. Despite her disrespectful ways, when YOU participate, YOU lose any credibility to criticize (which you shouldn't do anyway, because it's a disrespectful judgment).


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Honesty is a must. You cant row the boat with your partner while hiding your oar, or keeping quiet about an obstacle you see that she doesnt, know what I mean?

Dr Harley says the respectful way to bring up complaints is to say
'How would you feel about doing x'?

For example when she was rude, say something like:

'How would you feel, in future, if intead of saying x, you said it more like y? It would make me feel happier and more motivated'.

Then when she responds with something defensive or with excuses herself etc, stick stubbornly to respectful ground.

'Yeah but how would you FEEL, honestly, about doing that?' Make it clear that how SHE feels about your complaint is very important.

If she says: 'Well, not good. I don't want to do that all. I want you to stop being so sensitive.' RESPECT her choice in the matter.

'Well I thought I would see how you felt about that, honey. It is of course, up to you'.

Next time say it slightly differently.

'This reminds me of the last time I brought this up when you said x. This still bothers me, I am unhappy. You didn't like my idea last time, how would you feel about coming up with a solution we both like to solve this once and for all?'

If she says yes, go through the POJA steps (just dont refer to MB or call it POJA) If she says no reply: 'It requires your enthusiasm, so it is up to you of course.'

It is NEVER disrespectful to say consistently: 'This bothers me. I need it resolved, at some point. How would you feel about helping me do that?'

If you display respect at all times, you will be her lighthouse and not give her any traction to 'dispute' against.

Allowing her to say no is respectful. Requests which 'demand' a yes are not free requests at all. Her choices are up to her. And so are the consequences.

However you aren't willing to let her face any consequences are you?

Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
Is she worth divorcing all things considered? No. She is selfish objectively speaking, but when we do spend time it is quite fulfilling, but when she is stressed and feeling bad about herself it can be quite a drain.


People live up to the bar they are set.

She likes things from her persepective, she isn't motivated to consider your perspective, and she knows you arent going to take away her set up. Why would she change?

Having previously been in your 'it's not bad enough to leave, exactly' position, I can heartliy concur with Dr Harley when I say relationships either get stronger, or weaker.

Your marriage will not coast forever in this neither good nor bad position.

Use of PoJA, where both perspectives are considered, cause a couple to grow in the same direction, to make wise choices and build romantic love.

Absence of PoJA, which is your situation, causes distance to widen as time grows on, and builds resentment and discord.

Lack of PoJA is relationship cancer, and without resolving it, you face a divorce now, or much later but at some time it will come - without treatment.

Plus someone who does not consider your feelings and who makes independet decisions is ripe for an A. Continue snooping on that score, but keep a cooler head and look for firm evidence.

As others have said there is no need to use MB books or terms. In fact doing so is against PoJA because she isn't enthusiastic and it will be akin to preaching to her.

But you can use the principles to be respectful and do a great Plan A. Also remember that Plan B - a separation to show how serious you are about not settling for a low bar - is NOT divorce.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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HL,

Have you practiced eliminating the negatives in your attempts to communicate her LBs?

Instead of telling your wife she is doing this or that that makes you feel this way or that way simply tell her what you'd like her to do. Complaints are supposed to be good in a marriage but your W isnt onboard.

Dr Chalmers had us practice using the phrase "I would love it if...." when asking for an EN to be met or when we wanted a different behavior (eliminate an LB.

It seems you telling her your complaints only leads to an argument. No arguing .... just negotiating.


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Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem.
Wow! That is one impressive disrespectful judgement!

I have to wonder just how successful you are in not openly expressing disrespect to your wife when you are cultivating thoughts like that inside you.


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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem.
Wow! That is one impressive disrespectful judgement!

I have to wonder just how successful you are in not openly expressing disrespect to your wife when you are cultivating thoughts like that inside you.

I am not sure how else to say it objectively. Can you and I call things what they are, I'm already dealing with a spouse that refuses to do that. I know what and who I'm dealing with and my wife prefers to operate on a level of dishonesty that is directly related to her upbringing. Her mother abused her her entire life and still does. She isn't good enough, pretty enough, etc. So there are reasons that she is how she is but not excuses. The knee jerk reaction to everything that might zero in on that self esteem is much more powerful than her desire to be honest with me. Her entire life is seen through this perspective even if it has nothing to do with me at all.

That is the dilemma which I continue to try and figure out. If I ignore her dishonesty, which is a LB to me, then we get along pretty good, but it makes it hard to sustain. You are correct that I have chosen a path of passive-aggressive behavior because even when being respectful her knee jerk reactions rear their heads and it drives her away from me. In other words she wants me to let her to operate on a level of dishonesty and in exchange there will be no conflict, OR, respectfully address her(which makes her feel bad all on her own) and live in a constant state of conflict.

UA time helps things tremendously, but with 3 little ones this has been a constant struggle. I ask for it and we get out 1-2 nights per week. The rest of the nights she likes to watch tv and unwind after the kids go down so that time isn't the most productive for US.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Honesty is a must. You cant row the boat with your partner while hiding your oar, or keeping quiet about an obstacle you see that she doesnt, know what I mean?

Dr Harley says the respectful way to bring up complaints is to say
'How would you feel about doing x'?

For example when she was rude, say something like:

'How would you feel, in future, if intead of saying x, you said it more like y? It would make me feel happier and more motivated'.

Then when she responds with something defensive or with excuses herself etc, stick stubbornly to respectful ground.

'Yeah but how would you FEEL, honestly, about doing that?' Make it clear that how SHE feels about your complaint is very important.

If she says: 'Well, not good. I don't want to do that all. I want you to stop being so sensitive.' RESPECT her choice in the matter.

'Well I thought I would see how you felt about that, honey. It is of course, up to you'.

Next time say it slightly differently.

'This reminds me of the last time I brought this up when you said x. This still bothers me, I am unhappy. You didn't like my idea last time, how would you feel about coming up with a solution we both like to solve this once and for all?'

If she says yes, go through the POJA steps (just dont refer to MB or call it POJA) If she says no reply: 'It requires your enthusiasm, so it is up to you of course.'

It is NEVER disrespectful to say consistently: 'This bothers me. I need it resolved, at some point. How would you feel about helping me do that?'

If you display respect at all times, you will be her lighthouse and not give her any traction to 'dispute' against.

Allowing her to say no is respectful. Requests which 'demand' a yes are not free requests at all. Her choices are up to her. And so are the consequences.

However you aren't willing to let her face any consequences are you?

Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
Is she worth divorcing all things considered? No. She is selfish objectively speaking, but when we do spend time it is quite fulfilling, but when she is stressed and feeling bad about herself it can be quite a drain.


People live up to the bar they are set.

She likes things from her persepective, she isn't motivated to consider your perspective, and she knows you arent going to take away her set up. Why would she change?

Having previously been in your 'it's not bad enough to leave, exactly' position, I can heartliy concur with Dr Harley when I say relationships either get stronger, or weaker.

Your marriage will not coast forever in this neither good nor bad position.

Use of PoJA, where both perspectives are considered, cause a couple to grow in the same direction, to make wise choices and build romantic love.

Absence of PoJA, which is your situation, causes distance to widen as time grows on, and builds resentment and discord.

Lack of PoJA is relationship cancer, and without resolving it, you face a divorce now, or much later but at some time it will come - without treatment.

Plus someone who does not consider your feelings and who makes independet decisions is ripe for an A. Continue snooping on that score, but keep a cooler head and look for firm evidence.

As others have said there is no need to use MB books or terms. In fact doing so is against PoJA because she isn't enthusiastic and it will be akin to preaching to her.

But you can use the principles to be respectful and do a great Plan A. Also remember that Plan B - a separation to show how serious you are about not settling for a low bar - is NOT divorce.

What you described is exactly what I do but I could probably be a little bit more persistent. I'm doing all I can do. I speak to a therapist once a week, who knows my plan, and helps talk me through it to stay focused. She knows of this arrangement and I've been perfectly honest with her that I'm "working on my side of the fence." My wife has seen major changes in me but this has not motivated her to do the same.

I keep great tabs on my wife and regularly monitor all forms of communication and there is simply nothing there. I'll continue to do this in the trust but verify format. There are moments that she is good to me and we really have built some RA activities, such as running together, that are awesome. I would say our relationship has gotten stronger for sure, no question about it, but the progress is at a turtle's pace because of this constant need to deflect, blame, and be dishonest.

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Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem.
Wow! That is one impressive disrespectful judgement!

I have to wonder just how successful you are in not openly expressing disrespect to your wife when you are cultivating thoughts like that inside you.

I am not sure how else to say it objectively. Can you and I call things what they are, I'm already dealing with a spouse that refuses to do that. I know what and who I'm dealing with and my wife prefers to operate on a level of dishonesty that is directly related to her upbringing. Her mother abused her her entire life and still does. She isn't good enough, pretty enough, etc. So there are reasons that she is how she is but not excuses. The knee jerk reaction to everything that might zero in on that self esteem is much more powerful than her desire to be honest with me. Her entire life is seen through this perspective even if it has nothing to do with me at all.


The difference between a DJ and an accurate description of poor behaviour is a fine distinction.

But an important one. It takes some time to learn, but is well worth learning. It is not a DJ to say you have proof of past dishonesty in your wife. It is not a DJ to say she was raised by someone who practiced proven dishonesty.

It IS however a DJ to say she is ultimately at her heart dishonest, prefers to be dishonest, will always be dishonest, and that she cannot change because of the way she was raised! These are nothing more than unproven judgements and very disrespectful ones at that.

We can all do better with help. And we all want that at heart.

For example if your wife tells you she paid a bill on time, but then you read that she sent a message to a friend saying: "I forgot to a pay a bill and lied to hubby about it' then you can accurately call this instance dishonest. But you still couldn't call her a habitually dishonest person, because it may have been a one off.

If you find out she didnt pay the bill, as she claimed but you dont have proof of dishonesty, then it may be she made an honest mistake. If she is forgetful, rather than dishonest this is a stumbling block. You will seek to fix her 'dishonesty' rather than her forgetfulness - which isn't the real problem.


A prime example is here:

Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
An example would be, "Can you walk the kids to school so that I can get ready?" Seems reasonable, but the truth is she isn't really getting ready for at least an hour. So when I comply and I come home and she hasn't even begun the process of getting ready I have to conclude her intentions were to gain at my expense.


Rather than dishonesty this could be down simply to poor planning. She could have honestly intended to get ready, but an hour isn't very long to get distracted by other tasks that 'will just take five minutes'. How do you know it is true dishonesty and not just disorganisation? You may be trying to fix the wrong problem. That is the danger of assumption.

Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem.

If she wants her self esteem boosting, what on earth does that have to do with a need for dishonesty?

Give her honest and accurate compliments. I dont think she would be unhappy with those. She would be a strange woman if she desired insincere compliments, which she knew full well to be untrue.

Complaints also should be upbeat and positive and made with her self esteem in mind. When we ask our spouses to do something for us, it should be with an 'I know you are amazing, thoughtful and can do it' attitude.

If we phrase complaints in a positive encouraging way, there's no need for the self esteem to suffer.

PoJA is above all else, cheerful.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
There are moments that she is good to me and we really have built some RA activities, such as running together, that are awesome. I would say our relationship has gotten stronger for sure, no question about it, but the progress is at a turtle's pace because of this constant need to deflect, blame, and be dishonest.


This all sounds amazing. Well done.

However you will only make slow progress until you eliminate love busters.

Trying to fill up the lovebank before you ahve done that is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it.

I would read up on lovebusters to make doubly sure you have a firm base FIRST.

The posters here have already spotted some demands and DJs you may have been making, so you can benefit from asking for tweaking here as you go forward.

I was amazed at the things considered lovebusters when I first started posting. As a woman I had never considered getting teary to be a SD. But it is - it says 'Do as I wish or you will have a weepy woman on your hands'. Through MB I have learned to negotiate cheerfully and positively.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
I guess what I'm saying is that my wife's life experiences have caused her to build many sub-conscious protection instincts and this is interfering with her ability to be honest.


I do hope you havent said anything of this sort to her. Hearing that our outlook on life is wrong (even if it is) and that our spouse has better ideas than we do, is very irritating.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
In the final analysis, disrespectful judgments represent an effort to force our spouses to give us what we want in marriage, but it's often cleverly disguised. Instead of making an outright demand, we present our problem as if it were really our spouse's personal shortcoming. We try to "straighten out" our spouse in an effort to get our way.

At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouses a big favor, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls-and we would also get what we want.

A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided -- and tells him so -- she enters a minefield.

In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right -- even the responsibility -- to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Why doesn't she Plan B her mother?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Welcome back! I'm glad to hear things are a lot better than they were. Have you noticed it's hard to have a bad attitude around a happy person, it just kind of deflates? I've seen the folks here who listen to the show a lot, and it gives them a more long term perspective where the daily stuff doesn't bother them anymore. It gives them like this midwest "we got this" attitude. That would be my suggestion,listen to the show a lot or spend family time IRL with those folks that don't get flustered.


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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem.
Wow! That is one impressive disrespectful judgement!

I have to wonder just how successful you are in not openly expressing disrespect to your wife when you are cultivating thoughts like that inside you.

I am not sure how else to say it objectively. Can you and I call things what they are, I'm already dealing with a spouse that refuses to do that. I know what and who I'm dealing with and my wife prefers to operate on a level of dishonesty that is directly related to her upbringing. Her mother abused her her entire life and still does. She isn't good enough, pretty enough, etc. So there are reasons that she is how she is but not excuses. The knee jerk reaction to everything that might zero in on that self esteem is much more powerful than her desire to be honest with me. Her entire life is seen through this perspective even if it has nothing to do with me at all.


The difference between a DJ and an accurate description of poor behaviour is a fine distinction.

But an important one. It takes some time to learn, but is well worth learning. It is not a DJ to say you have proof of past dishonesty in your wife. It is not a DJ to say she was raised by someone who practiced proven dishonesty.

It IS however a DJ to say she is ultimately at her heart dishonest, prefers to be dishonest, will always be dishonest, and that she cannot change because of the way she was raised! These are nothing more than unproven judgements and very disrespectful ones at that.

We can all do better with help. And we all want that at heart.

For example if your wife tells you she paid a bill on time, but then you read that she sent a message to a friend saying: "I forgot to a pay a bill and lied to hubby about it' then you can accurately call this instance dishonest. But you still couldn't call her a habitually dishonest person, because it may have been a one off.

If you find out she didnt pay the bill, as she claimed but you dont have proof of dishonesty, then it may be she made an honest mistake. If she is forgetful, rather than dishonest this is a stumbling block. You will seek to fix her 'dishonesty' rather than her forgetfulness - which isn't the real problem.


A prime example is here:

Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
An example would be, "Can you walk the kids to school so that I can get ready?" Seems reasonable, but the truth is she isn't really getting ready for at least an hour. So when I comply and I come home and she hasn't even begun the process of getting ready I have to conclude her intentions were to gain at my expense.


Rather than dishonesty this could be down simply to poor planning. She could have honestly intended to get ready, but an hour isn't very long to get distracted by other tasks that 'will just take five minutes'. How do you know it is true dishonesty and not just disorganisation? You may be trying to fix the wrong problem. That is the danger of assumption.

Originally Posted by HonestyLovebust
When I'm honest and respectful this causes my wife to feel bad. She has a great need to be dishonest, mostly anything related to self esteem.

If she wants her self esteem boosting, what on earth does that have to do with a need for dishonesty?

Give her honest and accurate compliments. I dont think she would be unhappy with those. She would be a strange woman if she desired insincere compliments, which she knew full well to be untrue.

Complaints also should be upbeat and positive and made with her self esteem in mind. When we ask our spouses to do something for us, it should be with an 'I know you are amazing, thoughtful and can do it' attitude.

If we phrase complaints in a positive encouraging way, there's no need for the self esteem to suffer.

PoJA is above all else, cheerful.

Self esteem causes her to be dishonest, I certainly don't think she consciously does it. If I respectfully tell her my complaint, she begins to feel bad about what she did or said to me which is a direct hit on her self esteem. She must protect it at all times, so my complaints get rejected or deflected.

As far as my assessment of her being dishonest, it isn't a judgment it is a diagnosis, one that she herself says all the time, yet is unable to reconcile. I used a poor choice of words to say she "prefers" to be dishonest, in fact I don't think she wants to do it, but her sub-conscious is the more powerful of the two and almost always wins. Her sub-conscious mechanisms are the main reasons why she is often disrespectful or dishonest about everything, I mean even silly things that don't involve me at all. This isn't an occasional moment of feeling poorly and telling a white lie, it is how she approaches all things in life with all people and all issues.

I reject that my assessment was assumptive in nature. If my wife had said, "Honey, I stayed late at the gym and now I'm running behind, can you take the kids to school this morning so I'm not quite so rushed?" I'd say sure and I wouldn't find it be a LB at all. It never works that way, I mean NEVER. There is always a dishonest reason behind whatever she asks of me, am I clear? It is truly remarkable and probably unfathomable for you to believe what I'm telling you, in fact I sometimes can't believe it myself. She is not dishonest about other areas of her life at all. In fact she even feels uncomfortable telling our friends "We have other plans." even though we really don't to get out of going somewhere. All things are to be assigned blame at all times, period end of story. The other day her Ipod button broke and she was convinced that somebody broke it. I said, "Well sometimes things get used for awhile and break over time." She replied, "Nope, one of you did it and I need a new one now." I can't be more adamant that what I just wrote to you.

What I will do is to further become an expert of making sure that my respectful requests have no undertones at all that she might find to be Disrespectful which is no easy task. She wasn't feeling well this morning so I said, "Poor thing, you don't look so well" as I kissed her on the cheek. She said sarcastically, "Gee thanks honey!" We are talking trigger hair.

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