My husband has a family member who does small stage plays. My husband has been in about 3 of the plays. His Family member keeps asking him to participate which takes up a lot of time on weekends.

My husband is a good person. He works really hard at his job and loves our children. We have 3 small children. I'm exhausted by the weekends. I feel on weekends we need some time together and I also need at least a small break from the kids.

This family member is younger with no children and normally sort of bounces it off me when he wants my husband to be in one of his plays. I tell him it's up to my husband. They have this big thing with women controlling men in the family. Normally in the plays, its a bunch of family and church members who are like family. It's sort of like a social event.

I noticed that my husband is a bit reluctant about saying yes but he usually does. "Ironically" it seems the plays are about things we have recently gone through in our marriage always!

What I want to know: is am I being selfish because I don't want him to be in the plays? I do usually support him and the plays as far as helping out or just being there for my husband because I do wish it well. He's been participating for a few years now. They last for months maybe 3 or more with rehearsals every weekend from mid day until night. My husband does not do much else other than those plays but is always tired from work. He gives 100% to anything he's asked to do by his family which usually takes up a lot of time. There are lots of things that are left on me to do or that goes undone with our household for no apparent reason.

POJA,

Clearly you are not enthusiastic. Therefore........

My husband is a surface communicator. He never really talks about anything going on-on the inside of with him. I feel like we need intimacy. He reads about intimacy but stills says he does not know what it is.

We've been married over 10 years now and I don't think we have ever had intimacy. I don't feel close to him intimately. Even if we go on a date he will small talk but there's no connection. I feel a bit wasted away and bored. I feel like I'm sort of wasting my younger years. I feel like we should be having lots of sex, affection and long talks. Do men see things differently than women?

I feel like his parents who have been together 40 years and just sits home all day watching tv. I mean I'm still young and vibrant. I want to feel he wants me and thinks I'm beautiful. I would like to be his best friend.

Which books have you read? How far are you in applying the basic concepts of this program to your marriage? I look at your posts and see you asking about how to resolve specific conflicts, but this is not a conflict resolution forum. The purpose is to teach you and your husband the skills to resolve these conflicts.

So, which books do you have and where are you in the program?

I don't have any books right now. I didn't know I couldn't get advice here for anything to do with marriage. What type programs are there? Is there one you can recommend? I usually have lots of questions like this. Are my questions strange? I see other topics to specific things

Why havent you discussed it together?

Neither one of you is really keen on doing it. It should be the easiest thing in the world to PoJA a 'No' together.

Dr H suggests people get organised when it comes to spending their UA time together so why dont you both set up standing arrangements realting to your own interests for the weekend?

Your husbands relative has hobbies - you two are allowed to have them too!

I would try the Marriage Builders program. Start with the book Surviving an Affair since you had an affair. From there, read His Needs, Her Needs. There is a workbook you can use that they sell cheap here, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It has all the worksheets you will need in it.

This is a step by step marriage program that will give you the skills to resolve these conflicts and restore the romance to your marriage. But you have to do the legwork.

Another great resource is the Marriage Builders radio show. You can listen to it free every day at the radio link at the top of the page. The key here is get yourself educated so you can gain the skills to fix your marriage.

Lady37, I would start reading those books and then we can help you in applying those concepts to specific situations. But it is next to impossible to help you understand when you don't know any of the basics. For example, the solution to most of your problems is the policy of joint agreement and I have seen that recommended to you on many threads. But you don't know what that means.

We have discussed it. He may say one thing but then it can changes. He doesn't like to tell his family no. Anytime it's been discussed its strange. It's like a new conversation as if he never knew how I felt?

When he's gone for just about the whole day with play rehearsal I'm with the kids. It's a weight off of my shoulders when he's here to help with them.

I can start going to gym. My husband started back going recently. It's great because he can take the kids too. They have childcare there so yayyy! I think I just need some me time also. The gym will release some stress too!

Thanks!

Thank you Melodyane

If you email the radio show and then become a caller you will receive one of Dr. Harley's books free.


Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Yes in an MB marriage your dates would consist of intimate conversation, affection, admiration and fun recreation.

But before you can get to that point you need to recover from any affairs, put in place protections, use PoJA effectively and eliminate lovebusters.

Right now the conflicts are taking over instead and you dont know how to resolve them

You need to get educated, fast!

Start with the basic concepts. It's good your husband is willing but he sounds a little puzzled by the vague request of 'intimacy'

You are not being honest with him. He needs to know how youfeel about this.

"Honey, the first time you were in the play I thought, How neat!"
But now we are coming on to the fourth play. I am not sure if you realize it will be 3 months with rehearsals every weekend from mid day until night. I know you don't like to say no to your family, but WE are your family first. You have kids and a wife, where as Family members do not. I would like if you sit out this play and lets get our family back on track. I think it would be great if you took Billy to soccer. Maybe we can get that basement finished. Maybe in the future we can see how we can fit a play in...maybe you have a smaller role or an off stage part. Maybe you do one play a year, not two. Maybe we can get the kids involved. But we have to do it where we have taken care of our family first. I love you and want you to have fun, but we can't unilaterally decide to abandon the family for a quarter of the year on weekends.