Yes, I might do that. I have actually been on the show once before. I listen to the radio show almost every day. I do feel we have a lot of gray areas.

As peers, no. Posters do not generally do gray areas. If you want advice on such gray areas, I would recommend writing the radio show. Why? Because posters defer to the mental health professional who founded this program.

Yes, I might do that. I have actually been on the show once before. I listen to the radio show almost every day. I do feel we have a lot of gray areas.

Are you going to email Dr. Harley? Then you and your BH can be on the show together.

What do you think?

my H said that he would not allow what I did affect our daughters friendship

...shouldn't my H get some kind if say in whether is not this friend is a trigger?

Please stop trying to change the basis for this discussion. It is not the "friend" that is the trigger we are discussing. It is the physical proximity of this child's home to OM's house.

And as far as the answer to your question: NO! Your husband has not been as active on this site, asking meaningful questions, and absorbing much of what is here. (Had he been there would likely have been no RA.) He is also not the one that initiated the series of actions that eventually brought the two of you to where you are today.

Crazy NG analogy time: Your question is like asking "Shouldn't my car get some kind if say in whether is not its gas filter is becoming clogged?" The answer here would be "NO" as well. Your car is unable to detect the subtle effects of increasing blockage. (Apologies to hubby, but he's likely about as clueless.) And there is usually NO indicator of blockage until is virtually 100% blocked, at which point the whole thing fails. (Again, much like hubby. But where the car's failure is "I won't GO", hubby's is "I won't STAY".)

The intelligent car-owner, looking for long-term utility of the vehicle, will insist on regular replacement of the gas filter as part of a periodic tune-up. That is the error you committed, kiddo. You did not act proactively enough in maintaining your engine's performance.

15, I just wanted to say that I was your BH a few years ago. I wanted my kid's life to go on as usual and I tried to suck it up and be strong when I ran into OW. I agonized over moving and having the kids change schools.

I ended up starting to despise my FWH because the affair was always on my mind as I was always looking over my shoulder and trying to avoid the OW. I wanted my FWH to take control and protect me...I was tired of being the bad guy who had to make the tough decisions. I was ready to throw in the towel and threatened to many times. That was before I found MB.



But my recovery was more than just moving. I also had to change my own thoughts and attitude...such as focus on who WH was now and stop talking about the affair. Moving was a huge part in our recovery but it went hand in hand with the whole MB philosophy.


I agree that both your WH and you would benefit greatly by talking to the Harley's. They can give you direction and take away the worry of one of you looking controlling or needy or disrespectful...

Your BH may say that he is not triggered...but it certainly looks like he is.

Thank you Poker. I always helps to hear from people in the same shoes and see what they have done to make the necessary changes to save their marriage. I have gotten lazy and have not been protecting Mr. XVY. He has not been protecting himself either, probably because he does not know how. I am going to send this to him and hope he reads. I am also going to contact Dr. H today.

fifteen

He has not been protecting himself either, probably because he does not know how.
fifteen

This probably got lost.

What do you think?

15,

Sorry to hear of the struggles. I don't have any advice--just wanted you to know that I'm reading and thinking of you.

FF

I asked him if we would be willing to go out to dinner with me, my treat

I asked him if he would be willing to go out to dinner with me, my treat... This is very good.

...and talk about everything and where we go from here. This, not so much!

Do you recall the dinner/interview pep-talk I gave you a year ago? Re-read it! Remember, this is an opportunity to present the best XVY possible - alluring, provocative, enticing. None of that is elevated by starting off the evening by bringing up painful events of the past.

What you DO want to bring up are the palliative actions and events of the past year - vacations, family events, progeny accomplishment, tender moments - and forecast their continuation/enhancement.

Sell, sell, sell.......

How much UA time have you been getting?

Not enough. Since school started we have both been busy and our UA time has gone down hill. In addition, since running into OM last week, H has been distant towards me.

Can he identify specific things that would help him feel safe and to fall back in love with you? What specifically is triggering him?

[b]Yes, I think he can and wish he would. Early on in our recovery he did start to tell me things that triggered him. He has not done that in awhile, that may be the problem. I almost want to take your words above and turn them into questions and ask him.[/b]

Clearmind tells me every day 'I have had no inappropriate conversations, no one is making any LB deposits, no deleting of any emails or texts without talking to you first etc..'

I need to do that. I do always ask/tell my H what I am doing. I go to the gym with my daughter and never go alone. Anywhere I go that I think might make him feel unsafe, I take one of my children or don't go. I really think that not telling him about seeing OM a few months back set him back and I did not handle it appropriately. We both just kind of let it go instead of discussing how it made us feel. I still remember your response to me not telling him right away. I think he probably had a very similar response but kept it inside. Actually seeing OM, made these feelings explode inside and now we are in a very bad spot.

She reassures me daily of her feelings for me and makes great effort to make me feel safe. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my ability to feel safe in this M. AND for my feeling to start to return for her.

I do feel like I tell him I love him all of the time and try to show him.

She tells me when she goes to work, when she gets there, when she is going to lunch, when she gets back in the office..etc.

These are all things that she WANTS to do to make me feel safe.

What can you do?

I was doing this as well to make my H feel safe. I am not going to lie, I started slacking a little as far as texting him always to let him know things. Just a little but I can see by your words that a LITTLE goes a LONG way.


Removing as many triggers as you can from your environment is extremely important.

Yes, I know this. I am to the point that I am willing to do whatever it is he needs me to do. I know the most obvious changes and triggers but I am sure there are still many more that he has not told me.

Do you talk about the past at all? I am to the point that I don't care to talk about even what we did last weekend. My focus is on today and tomorrow at this point. Living in the now is helping us move forward....not back.

I try not to focus on the past. On Saturday when he told me he wanted a divorce he mentioned that he looked at all of the pictures of us pre-affair vs. post affair. He said his smile is not the same that he can see true happiness in his pre-affair smile but his new smile is forced and fake

Finally, as hard as it is, you must be patient. We are right at 1yr 9mo's into R and specifically, we have seen much improvement in just the last 3 months.

Yes, at times I have felt that we have come so far. The past two weeks however I think both of us have taken ten steps back for the five that we took fwd. Now we are stuck and neither of us know how to move fwd.

Hope this gives you some encouragement.

You did give me a lot of valid advice and encouragement. Especially since you and clearmind are in a very similar situation. I have seen your ups and downs on this site and know that it is all part of the process. Thanks again for your honesty!!

This may be a non-issue, but I'm wondering why you made a point of telling your husband that you wanted to pay for dinner. It wouldn't make any sense for you to say "my treat" unless you and your husband keep at least some of your finances separate from each other. Is that the case? If so, why?

I am however willing to do whatever it takes to stop the triggers and make things right. Move, change jobs, end my daughters friendship...whatever it takes to help him.