My husband and I are expecting baby #3, and I've noticed that since baby #1 our love building has been, well, meager to say the least.

I am desperate to build more love (I really need it right now), but with three kids under 3 we have no time, no "date" money, and are stretched thin. We aren't love busting, which is good, but we're not love building. Our sex life is good, though my pregnancy is starting to take a toll on that too due to discomfort.

Any tips on how to build love as we plan for another child? Should daily romance be something we strive to achieve, or would weekly or monthly be more reasonable?

That you need is undivided attention time - 15 hours a week. Everyone with young children has this problem. You and your spouse need to give a high priority to finding that time.

We have 6, and we are deeply in love with each other. So know that it IS possible!

It will take work, though.

You will have to make your 15 hours UA a week a priority. It must come first, before anything else. Do not sacrifice your time together -- protect it.

Find a babysitter. Go out on dates. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. We don't have a lot of extra money either, and we still manage. It's vital to your marriage, so put it on the front burner until you figure out how to make it work.

Get "His Needs Her Needs for Parents" if you don't have it already.

I also suggest you have a rule in your house that doesn't allow your children into your bedroom. Our kids know Mommy and Daddy's room is off limits. Keep your room your romantic haven, for just the two of you.

Thanks, Prisca--that is encouraging! My BH and I both agree that our relationship is the most important thing. Do you do special things in the evenings to build romance? Or a date night each week? I feel like we finally get the kids down for bed and then have about an hour or two of time together, but we usually are so tired we sit in front of the tv and watch a show. I'm out of ideas for romantic things we can do for an hour or two at night after the kids are in bed.

We have dates as often as possible and spend time together after the kids are asleep on other nights.

Dr. Harley says it's very important to get out of the house. Finding babysitting needs to be a priority!

Turn the TV off when you are together if you haven't met your 15 hours for the week yet. Practice talking to each other. Talk about the shows you just turned off if you have to.

This is why I told you to get a babysitter and go on dates. If you wait until after the kids are in bed, you are going to be too tired to spend time together and make lovebank deposits.

Your UA time needs to be at a time of day when you feel your best, not when you're too tired and only feel like watching TV.

Dr. Harley recommends 4 dates a week, 4 hours each, meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs: Intimate Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship and ending with Sexual Fulfillment.

Watching TV doesn't count as UA, btw

Can you swap babysitting with another couple? That's what we did when our kids were really little. And as the kids got older they did sleepovers too so you get to sleep in in the morning too!

"Dr. Harley recommends 4 dates a week, 4 hours each, meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs: Intimate Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship and ending with Sexual Fulfillment." I wrote this down and am going to give it to my husband tonight so we can make a plan to work this into our schedule. It seems like A LOT of dates to fit in each week, but I'm starting to get swallowed up in depression due to very little romantic attention from BH and constant kids and work demands. I want to create our passion again.

I'm going to look into babysitting swapping too. I'm sure there are other families out there who need more date nights! Thanks for the tips. I'll keep brainstorming how to make this work. We really need it...

That is great, wanthealing! It does seem like a lot of dates at first, but once you have them and you find your lovebank filling, you won't want to give them up.

Question - how could 4 dates, 4 times a week, possibly be inexpensive? Any sort of restaurant is going to be expensive to go to 4 times a week, and babysitting is not cheap either if you are not fortunate enough to have family nearby. Does anyone with a large number of kids have any specific examples of how this is done?

Who says you have to go to a restaurant on every date? Don't limit yourself to just eating out. Be creative.

As to what specific activities you can do -- that varies from couple to couple as to what they enjoy.

As far as babysitting, don't limit yourself there either. Explore all possibilities and keep brainstorming until you find a solution. Some people are able to find teenagers at church that will babysit for cheap. Others have used babysitting swapping. Some spend their money on a babysitter, and go on a cheap date. Brainstorm.

I think even simple things like candlelight dessert on the porch after the kids go to bed could count, right?

The problem with staying home for UA is that for most couples it doesn't deposit enough lovebank units to build romantic love. And, again, after the kids are in bed, you are tired and not at your best.

This is why Dr. Harley strongly recommends getting out of the house. For most couples, this is needed in order to deposit enough lovebank units.

At a minimum 15hr/week of UA time.

The way my wife and I approach it is that we are romantic enough at home and elsewhere to embarass our children.

This has the added benefit that they don't really want to live at home when they are 25+

Somehow teens who don't have money seem to find ways to have romantic dates, so the lack of money should not be a real issue.

You may have to work with another couple who is in the same situation as you so you can trade off child care. I.E. You take turns watching each other's children so each can have out of the home dates.

Even if you are just walking in the park, or bike riding, or window shopping, or whatever you are doing to spend time with one another, it doesn't have to involve a lot of cash.

I know you're right--my BH laughs at the idea of 15 hrs a week, but I need him to understand how important it is to both of us. We need it to recharge, and having a date MAYBE once a month (on a good month) simply isn't enough. We can have passionate feelings again, but we need to work and sacrifice a little to create that...

I'm going to start diligently looking for another couple we can babysit-swap with. I think that would be our best option--to get another couple on board with Dr. H's plan and go from there. Even if we have to start small with one or two days a week, it's a start, and I think my BH will see just how effective it is for us if we follow Dr. H's advice. BH has never really bought into Dr. H's principles (he thinks it's unrealistic), but Dr. H saved our M, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes to apply the principles, since I have everything to gain by doing so.

re�al�is�tic adjective
1. interested in, concerned with, or based on what is real or practical:

And yet our reality says it is realistic. There are hundreds of folks on this forum that post the importance of every single one of Dr Harley's principles. Especially UA time. I know firsthand. If we don�t have enough time together we drift apart.

It�s not that it is unrealistic it�s just that until it is actually experienced one can�t see the value in it. If you don�t try you�ll never experience it. The reality is that most people aren�t willing to give it a try because they fear it means they need to give up things they don't want to (like their independent behavior � so called freedoms) . They�re renters or freeloaders or in a state of withdrawal and as such simply put themselves before anyone else.

I�d love to hear what parts he thinks are unrealistic.

You are trying to rekindle your M without buy in from your H. If some of the key components of MB aren't in your H's wheelhouse you are fighting an uphill battle. It was 10 years before my W and I jumped into MB together. 10 years of me doing what I could to convince her of what we should be doing. 10 years of floundering.

In just a few short sessions Dr Harley�s daughter Jennifer was able to convince my W the benefits of all of the MB principles.