There is going to be trouble one way or another if you want to save your marriage. You can survive her anger, but NOT HER INFIDELITY.

Stop worrying about her being angry and her hating you. If you snap her out of this she will thank you for fighting for her.

EXPOSE TO HER WORK BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

(You don't want her saying to them that you are abusive or worse, do you?)

Interesting....I used the phrase "yes and no" in my reply to Brainy, when more accurately I should have used:

So, L_S, have you summoned the courage to expose to her co-workers and school administration, yourself, NO

...or are you continuing to waver on conducting the FIGHT necessary? and YES!

Dude, we cannot conduct the campaign to save your marriage for you!

I am not asking you to conduct a campaign to save my marriage. I am asking for your help and opinions because you all have been through this before. I am ultimately going to do what I feel is right for me. With your help and opinions I will make better decisions.

I know my wife better than anyone. I know she is not my wife right now she is a WS. I do not know how to deal with a WS properly that's why I am asking for help so I can make as few mistakes as possible. I do thank you for your help that is why I am here. But if I feel it isn't right I shouldn't be forced to do it.

L&S

Devil's advocate here.

I don't feel like exposure at work will help. First of all, trickling out exposure is not effective. You missed your chance on the first round.

Secondly, you two don't have much to glue this together. You're young, no kids. I'm sorry to say but these are often the toughest to recover because there just isn't a lot of glue.

Some posters would probably recommend walking away and starting anew with what you've learned here. It's sad and I know you want to recover the marriage.

Just my thoughts. I think more exposure at this point might backfire. But I also think you should consider cutting your losses and moving on.

I agree that exposing more at this point will only backfire for me. I made the mistake and didn't do it when I first exposed. This will only make things worse for reconciliation.

I am getting ready to send my text about WS watching our dog this weekend. I wanted to get a little feedback first. Would a text be ok or should I do it on FB where I can see if she read it?

I am going to say " Good morning WS, I have to go out of town and I was wondering if you would be interested in watching "dog" this weekend. I know he would love that. I was also thinking that if you would like to let Remy out through the week again that would be ok too. If this is something you would like to do let me know and I will leave you a key. I hope you have a good day."

Let me know what you guys think.

Text is fine. Hope she responds. If not, Tuesday evening you might want to ask again telling her to let you know ASAP so you can otherwise make other arrangements for the dog. Perhaps indicating she can take the dog somewhere else and watch him/her if she likes because really any scenario whereupon she watches your marital dog keeps the connection alive and gives you additional reasons to contact her.

As far as the additional exposure at work...I don't see how backfiring is a problem here. What, maybe she won't call or speak to you anymore and/or file for divorce? Wait...that's already happened. What could possibly backfire?

You may think your resolved to fight this forever but honestly at your age, a short marriage to a girl that's been in one relationship (with you) from age 17'ish until age 25 and absent children....you probably aren't going to still be resisting the divorce, spending tons of money on attorneys and fighting for this marriage even 2 months from now. Maybe you will but that's not my experience on these forums. Guys like you (but not you specifically) give up and move on quickly (which in most situations...is the best thing to do...we are not a marriage at all costs forum). Therefore, exposing her at work may be just the thing that facilitates her hitting her rock bottom sooner than later and time is certainly of the essence here. Although she should be fired for infidelity, schools are typically a hotbed of immorality so it's doubtful she will be fired. You may get lucky. She may also be on drugs which is certainly a very good reason she needs to be fired and those children protected. We are NOT advising this as a means of punishing your WW. This isn't to be vindictive. You will be doing it to protect the children from her [and potentially OM's] harmful influence and hoping SOMEONE SOMEWHERE in the chain of command at the school will stand up to her, bend her ear and guide her on the correct path. IF she happens to get fired...it'll be because of her behavior...and not your exposure. Once her hole of consequences is deep enough...THAT is when she may finally look around for a way out and ask you for a ladder.

Another benefit. If it by some outside chance worked, because of exposure around town and at work, your recovery would certainly then necessitate a move. Great, a fresh start for your marriage somewhere else far away from OM and her enabling father.

I respect your right to run your own life, just adding in my learned opinion for your consideration. You'd be surprised how much tragedy follows around waywards. They often have difficulty paying attention and impulse control problems. Children are not safe around them. My wife totaled her car. Something could happen at that school and you've got the information that could prevent it. It's the right thing to do all the way around. "Backfiring" isn't relevant...your position in this battle couldn't be any worse.

Mr. W

I also want to weigh in on the exposure at work. It needs to be done. Dr. Harley advises workplace exposure. With her family supporting her wayward ways, you may be the only person in her life holding her accountable. Which BTW is one of the best ways to show your love, enabling is the death.

A strategic error in the first exposure doesn't mean a second round of exposure shouldn't be done. The only thing it means is that the effect has a risk of being less impactful, but a reduced impact is an impact, nonetheless.

You've already lost her. She is gone from you. You're on a fast track to D. What do you really have to lose?

Fear, for one thing. Adultery as an intruder in your life, for another.

I sent the text. I do not think she will respond though. If she doesn't I will take your advice and send another text tomorrow evening.

I do not see myself giving up on this. I am a very strong willed person. being in the military I have learned not to give up on anything. Fight for what you believe in at all costs.

I know I need to expose at her workplace. But, is hard for me to see WS doing anything to harm the children. She is very good with children and her two nieces were like her own kids. If we were to ever reconcile I just can't get it through my mind how this would be beneficial.

I have taken all of your advice thus far I am just having a tough time with this one. I feel like trickling exposure will not have any effect as they will just think I am crazy. I will come to a decision on this if I am going to do it has to be done right and not spur of the moment.

L&S

Her very influence is damaging to the children, and to everyone else she's around. A wayward is like a walking, talking, toxic soup. The vapor cloud extends around it,and anyone who is close gets exposed to the poison.

And if she's on drugs like her winner OM, she's extremely dangerous. Even if she doesn't take drugs herself, she can be exposed to them accidentally.

I'm all in favor of taking the time to do exposure right...as long as that doesn't slip into Delaying out of Fear Territory.

That's passive aggressive. Your wife will take it as a subversive tactic on your part to "cause" trouble and give her more reason to distrust and vilify you.

At the end of the day -it's your call. You are getting good advice.
I wouldn't tell her that you have drill this weekend - it won't make a difference to her.

The affair will continue unless you use 100% of your energy, reserves, contacts, will and power to end it. Either that or you can wait around and hope it dies its own natural death. Your choice.

Oh, and by the way, you know how your going back and forth on whether or not to expose, when you know the right thing is to expose to everyone; thats the same thing she is doing with your marriage, she knows the right thing is to come home and work on the marriage - but we all don't do the right thing do we?

Personally, I didn't want to expose my wife to her work. It made me look small, weak and it embarrassed me to strangers whom I have previously met and interact with on a somewhat regular basis - a small price to pay that crushed the affair instantaneously.

Again, so long as you don't do the right thing, she probably won't either.

Well said. You must also temper your expectations with the reality of her continued affair, pending divorce and ultimate dissolution of your marriage. Expecting to have a shot at saving your marriage without taking the necessary steps is unrealistic.

No one is forcing you to do anything you aren't prepared to do - but be also prepared for divorce proceedings.

Have to play the angel with a halo here,
My wife and I just recently celebrated our first year anniversary, have no kids, not "much glue" as you put it. I trickled exposure - first to her friends and mine, then 2 months later to her work.

Yes I realized I should have done a full blown exposure - but my goal wasn't to save the marriage, or make her love me, or get her back, or avoid her anger - my goal was simple, direct, focused - ENDING THE AFFAIR. PERIOD.

Was she angry - yes. Was it a massive love bank withdrawal - yes. Was my goal accomplished of ending the affair - yes.

Once that occurred - anything else was possible.

Again - we are all at different points at different times post affair realization - you may not be prepared to have her end the affair just yet - when your desperate enough you will. I was very desperate.

I am trying to build up the courage to expose to her work. I want it to be well planned and calculated. I don't know any of their email addresses or any of their names. She works for a grade school and they did not have parties or anything like that so I could interact with them.

I don't even know how to go about contacting them. I can probably find some of them on FB but other than that I have no idea.

I did not tell WS in my text that I had drill I left it at I was going out of town for the weekend, I text her exactly what I posted.

I just don't know.

L&S

Ok.

I'm going to reverse my opinion and say expose at work.

First, you have NOTHING to lose because she's already gone.
Second, look at reason number one.

I think you're fighting an uphill battle here as I mentioned before due to youth and no kids. If you were ready to walk away, exposure wouldn't much matter beyond the moral implications of her losing her bearings as a result of the affair.

If you're bound and determined to fight, then expose and do it ASAP.

Don't use email to expose the work place. Use certified mail so someone has to sign for it. You send an email from a non internal source and it may send it straight to their spam folder, not what we want.

Go to the school boards website, all the info will be there, if not call and ask on who to address the letters to.


I know it is terrifying, but you are doing the right thing.

LS, I have not read your whole thread, but wanted to make a comment about workplace exposure. An effective workplace exposure is done to Human Resources, supervisors and key executives. I believe your wife works at a school, so in her case, the exposure would be done to HR, the principal, and the superintendent. You might even want to include a key board member. Coworkers are not included in the exposure because they are not in a position of power. Please go check out my exposure thread in my signature link.

I as well didn't know how to expose to my wife's work place. I didn't know the contact in HR, didn't know any name. Then I found google. I googled where she worked and found the name of the HR department. Then found the name of all the department heads.

I sent each a letter individually signed by me via fedex - next day delivery with signature required.

While finding out the names of people within her school may be difficult, a quick google search may be more revealing than you think - send it to everyone one that you find.

EDIT: Melody as always has an appropriate list of people to send it to. If you don't know names, use the titles.

If she works at a school it should be fairly easy to get email contact info via the school's website. I would send a letter to the principal and CC the superintendent. The is crucial because it will require the principal to pay attention to it. Many principals in my experience won't do jack to rock the boat otherwise.

Ok guys I have been doing my research and found the schools website and the key personnel. I still have to come up with a letter though.

Also, tonight after my softball game I came home and found some interesting news. I got on our local county clerks website where you can look up all local records. I searched OM under criminal records and got awesome news.

Last week OM had a court appearance for his 2nd DUI and a firearm charge. All along I was told even by OM he was getting 90 days house arrest but it gets better. OM was sentenced to 90 days in a correctional facility!!! OM has to report to jail on 9/11/13. I am freaking out with joy!!!

I have not heard from WS about watching our dog this weekend but I plan to send another text tomorrow evening. I am sure she is spending as much time with OM as she can before he goes away. It also said Om will have a SCRAM devise applied to him when practicable? Not sure what that means.

Also, I talked to my two nephews who attend the school where WS teaches. They said they haven't seen her in a few days. Which means she probably wasn't there when I had flowers delivered.

I feel like this is a whole change of events, not sure where to go with this news. I just know this is great news and I am going to try to run with it.

L&S