I'm new here, but I've read articles and posts before. Now, though, I find myself reaching out for support in what is the most difficult time of my life.

Yesterday, I confront my wife about her affair...again. Yes, she had "ended it" before, but really just kept it going in secret. I told family and friends this time (had only told her parents, previously, and told no one else). This time it was exposed, which was necessary to have her stop and actually look at herself. She left.

Tonight was even more difficult than when she left. Our son went to his church program tonight and she had left a voicemail that she wanted to see him afterwards. So we met at a nearby DQ. When we were leaving, she wanted to come back to the house and bathe him before bed. I said no because, as I had told her, that is not what being separated means. She cried as she said goodbye to him. It broke my heart and I cried on the way home (in fact, I've started crying again as I write this). I've had to explain to our son that she would not be staying with us for awhile.

This is really tearing me apart. I love my wife dearly and don't want our family destroyed. I certainly don't want our son to suffer. I'd like nothing more than for her to come home tonight and say she wanted to work on the marriage. But...I don't know if she ever will.

I'm even more lonely tonight than yesterday because of what happened. I don't really have any questions, but I guess I just wanted to express it somewhere with others who would understand. Thanks for reading.

Hi Sheeyah, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Can you give me some more information?

1. are you married?

2. if so, how long

3. how many children and their ages?

4. who is the OM? What do you know about him? Is he married?

5. how long has the affair been going on?

1. Yes.
2. Over 11 years.
3. 1 son, age 6 (will be 7 this October)
4. The OM is a coworker. I know he's over 12k in debt and has been letting my wife pay his bills. He is not married, but was quite some time ago.
5. The affair started over a year ago.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

This needs to be exposed to her job.
Please read the Exposure thread and come back and tell us your exposure list.

It doesn't sound like you exposed to your son?

Forgive me if I'm wrong. However if you have not he is the most important exposure target of all.

Not only because of her reaction, but because this is more his business than anybody elses.

If he's as smart as my nephew of the same age he will be trying to figure this out and can't do so without accurate information. That is confusing.

Tell him you both love mum, that mums and dads don't have boyfriends and girlfriends.

Tell him you have asked mum to give up her boyfriend because it is very painful for you. If you tell your son you are fighting for the marriage he will have an ally instead of being alone.

He also needs to be warned about the likelihood of being introduced to a POSOM potential stepfather as a 'friend'. We've seen that happen a lot and it is massively confusing to kids.

It also sounds like he betrayed his wife at the start of this A?

She also needs to know and his parents (and children?) Need to know your wife broke up his family and that they should not accept her.

Do her friends and family know she is paying his bills? Do they support you?

Workplace exposure is a must. Once their employer is involved this entire house of cards affair is in danger of toppling. Since he's using her for money losing her employment would probably see him lose interest.

Dr H says you should also let the affairees face all consequences. Since she has behaved badly at work, she should face the natural consequences of that.

Let me try to respond to everyone.

To Jedi_Knight: No, I have not read that book yet. But I have been seeing a counselor since the beginning and reading online information since I found out the second time. I'm sure it is something I will want to read.

To BrainHurts:
Parents of all concerned - Her parents, definitely. I don't know his, but I send a letter about it to any relatives I could find on Facebook. One might be his mother.
Family - Her sister and bro-in-law. I don't have contact info for anyone else. His family, again, what I could find on Facebook.
Close friends - Childhood friends, friends from work/school/Facebook that I had contact info for. I even targeted a couple of his close friends from Facebook, too.
Children of the BS - Now, yes, but not initially.
Workplace - He has since left that job, to my knowledge. Also, she has terrible bosses that may use that as an excuse to fire her. I don't want her fired. In fact, she makes 2-3 times as much as me, so we'd be in serious trouble financially.
Pastor - We go to a larger church, but I did tell both our Bible Study class leader and our Growth Group coordinator.
Facebook friends of affair partner - Mutual friends of both.

To indiegirl:

1) I hadn't exposed my son, until I read your post. I was trying not to pit him against his mother. But you were right, the guy is pretty smart. He even went straight away and prayed for mommy not to have a boyfriend and to come home.

2) He was divorced before my wife even knew him, actually.

3) So far, I know of a few people who have actually responded to me (aside from the Christian friends who immediately responded as you'd expect). One of his friends (best friend, so he says) wanted proof of the affair first, then promised to help me out. Haven't heard from him since. One of her friends posted that I was "psycho" on her Facebook wall, so she will be of no help. Another friend who "liked" that post then emailed me about proof later. I also pointed out why I did what I did and that I was not psycho. Her family is very supportive, of course. She is actually staying with her parents right now.

Sheeh,

Have you read the actual link (that Brainhurts posted?) Not what you have read, but that exact artical? It will help you understand the advice an guidance you will get here, and also understand why the questions will be asked. READ. Welcome.

Is her family supportive of the affair or your marriage? Have they spoken to her about her affair?

Sheeyah, get that book and read it start to finish as soon as possible. Many counselors don't know how to help a couple recover from an affair, but Dr. Harley has been specializing in infidelity for decades.

You can buy the ebook version from Amazon and read it on your computer:

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-an-...swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

Get the latest edition, because Dr. Harley has incorporated a lot of updates to the original edition.

What a smart, sensitive little man . If nothing else, you have each other to get through this now.

I wondered this too. Are they backing you up? Have they told her to end her A? Will they tell the OM to get lost and they will never accept him?

The majority of people ARE supportive in exposure. The ones who are not are usually..interesting. The friend who responded 'psycho' has obligingly revealed her own disrespect for marriage and very probably wayward tendencies of her own.

I would not be surprised if she has been your wife's confidante and affair cheerleader. Even if she were not I would insist on her being cut out of your lives as one of your 'return to the marriage' conditions further down the line.

Sorry, had a lot of things going on. But now I have a bigger problem.

My wife came home today. She wants to be here for our son, but says she is done with our marriage and doesn't want to work on things. She added stuff about her right to see her son, etc. But, that won't work. How can I live with someone who doesn't want to work on anything? I had to stop the conversation because I was in jeopardy of exploding at her. Not good with your child at home.

I can't do it, not unless she's willing to work on things. Do I tough it out until my meting with a lawyer next week (to protect my legal rights for my son)? Or do I tell her to leave and deal with the immediate consequences?

What does your son think?

Is she still in contact with OM?

Did you ever expose to her job?

I'm not sure yet. He'll probably be confused. She picked him after school today to spend some time with him (which I had told her was OK). I was home before them and found her things moved back in. At first, I thought she wanted to come back and work things out.

I have no idea about the OM. They both deactivated their Facebook accounts - probably after being bombarded following exposure. I know she had a 3 hour conversation with him the night after she left. I haven't seen his number on our phone bill since, but he could have changed it.

Did you expose to her job?