My husband and I dated for 13 years before we got married. I found out that he hid and affair he had with a co-worker while we where dating. I only found out about it as I accidentally went into his email while using his tablet and saw an old message thread between him and her. The thing is the affair was over 8 years ago, long before marriage and ended. But he and her were still friends. I feel so hurt and betrayed by this especially as she was someone I had asked him to not have a friendship with because of past inappropriate behaviour. Needless to say, he kept a friendship had and affair and even though he ended the affair continued to interact with this girl, hiding her from me. Now we are married and I learn all of this I feel betrayed. Especially as he was still friends with her until recently. He ended the friendship and says it was nothing more and is deeply regretful. I spoke to her and she indicated that the affair was over years and they were just friends. It's six months since I found out about my husbands infidelity while we were dating and I cannot move past it. I am angered by the friendship after the affair ended. I am angered by the way he sneak around to have a friendship with her after all our relationship has been through because of her. He know I was bothered by her and he still allowed himself to have an affair with her which was both sexual and emotional. And then he, knowing the affair would devastate me continued to be friends with her. I feel my marriage has ended because I cannot forgive him for keeping that friendship.

Ming,

Welcome, and I am sorry that you need to be here. First, go to the first page and read up on Basic Concepts. This will help you understand the help offered to you moving forward.

You should feel betrayed because you WERE betrayed. Here is where you're going to have to start...do you want to save your marriage? If not, you are justified to end it due to infidelity, and no one here will judge you for that. Especially for such a new one.

However, if you are willing and ready to fight for your marriage, get ready for tools to help and guide you toward that goal.

You are probably not sure. So...let's default to fighting mode. Do you have some fight in you? If so, let's get on with a plan to save this young marriage.

Ming,

The affair continued as long as the contact did, at least as an emotional affair, but given the way people exchange photos and have phone sex it may have continued on as a sexual but no contact affair as well.

Is the OW married, if so you need to inform her BH what happened, do threaten or warn, even to your WH as he will tell the OW. You need to do the exposure suddenly and completely. That the OW would continue to contact your H is an affront to your marriage.

I suggest you get a polygraph for your WH.

God Bless
Gamma

Am I missing something? From what I read, his "cheating" occurred long before they got married. Since they were only dating at the time, it was not an extramarital affair or marital infidelity.

That's right, I was reading the advice and was wondering if I was unclear. he cheated while we were dating, I'm only now finding out 8 years Later and we are now married. But it' hurts.

If he'd told you the truth before you married him, would you have gone through with the wedding? It sounds like he managed to marry you through false advertising...

I suspect he has been more than "friends" with her all this time. It is definitely an EA.

How do you know for sure he has ended contact with her?

Mingo, he didn't have an affair if you were not married. Sure, he was deceitful and it was false advertising, but it was not infidelity. What matters now is his current contact with this woman. He should have no contact with her now. Has he ended contact with her?

Ming05,
Does he know that you know?

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Honestly, we would have broken up.

Have you verified that all contact has ceased?

That's what I'm struggling with because why keep that friendship. And to be friends 7 years after cheating with her and now I must trust it was nothing. I told him while the sexual may have ended he certainly remained emotionally attached.

Yes the contact ended, I found out recently about their messing around 7 years ago. I called her spoke to her, he told her stop calling him he cannot have a friendship with her because I matter most and he wants his marriage.

He says he's not the stupid boy that messed around 7 years ago on me. But I feel like that friendship should not have been and it ending because I found out does not make me feel good. Why couldn't he be a man and realize the minute he proposed any friendships that he had to hide should not be kept.

He said they were always just friends and the friendship went wrong at a time when we were struggling in the relationship and he feels ashamed by what he did to me. But he had ended it and had no feelings for her. Sometime after she came to him for help with work and he helped her because he knew she meant nothing to him. But for me I believe he should not have been so naive to think you can be friends with someone you messed around with. Especially knowing long before he cheated I had a problem with her towards him.

I am seriously contemplating divorce. I love him with all my heart and can forgive the cheating back then, but I cannot let go of the hidden friendship. Well into our marriage.

She's married, and what hurts is he went to her wedding. This is before we got married. She invited him and he went. I found emails between them with what I call an emotional response to her getting married. Apparently, she married a guy that raped her some years back. That's how my husband friendship with her started, she talking to him about that. So when she got engaged to her rapist, he did everything to get her to not marry that man. He says he was trying to stop her from marrying the man that violated her . But to me, it came across as him trying to get her to come to him. She asked him to run away with her, he never replied. She told him I was a horrible girlfriend and he deserves better. What hurts is he didn't say otherwise in that email.

When I spoke to her she admitted that she always knew I was his love and she was a mistake. But I feel like he went through hoops for her, and I cannot move past all the lies.

Has he written a NC letter?

Has he changed all his contact information?

Will he take a polygraph?

He called her in front of me and yes phone number, email everything has been changed

Will he take a polygraph?

What EPs has he given you? What boundaries has he put in place to make you feel safe? How have you affair proofed your marriage?

Have you read this?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?