We had one rule. Never cheat on each other. There was nothing we couldn't get through as long as we never cheated.

3 years ago I broke that rule and emotionally cheated on my wife with a co-worker. It went on for almost a year before she discovered it. She heard a voice mail I forgot to delete.

She broke down, I broke off the relationship with the other girl, not good enough, I changed departments, not good enough, I changed shifts, not good enough. I felt guilty. Like our marriage was over because I broke our one rule. She was miserable and suspicious. I felt like I was torturing her everytime I went to work.

She got pregnant, when the baby was born I quit my job and stayed home to raise him. She felt better knowing I was at home and things were good for a little bit. Even though I was a great stay at home dad and took care of all the household stuff I couldn't get away from the fact that my dad was a deadbeat who never held a job for to long and I had said I would never be that way. Not working made me feel that way. I got depressed, I felt stuck, relapsed and fell back into a drug addiction. I went numb and gave up on our relationship.

Eventually it lead to her opening up to a male co-worker of her own, then not caring about us anymore. Now I've been out of the house for 6 months. The relationship with the other guy has faded into a friendship. He didn't want to have a relationship with her or anyone right now.

We're slowing becoming more civil with eachother. The last six months were hell. I lost it and broke down. Begged, pleaded, cried. She lashed out with anger and hate towards me. We lost all respect for eachother. She's been a lot more calmer around me recently. I've also stopped being a pathetic creeper. And we're somewhat on speaking terms. Occasionally we'll joke around and sometimes I'll be at the house and the kids will be running around and we'll be acting like the family that we were before this whole thing started. But then she catch herself and reminds me that I need to go.

I really think there's still something there and there's a good chance we could fix this if I handle it in the right way.

What's my next move?

Please read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Is this OM married?

Do you they still work together?

Who have both your affairs been exposed to?

Your next move is to stop focusing on what you want, and start focusing on what your wife and children need. They need a husband/father who is not a drug addict and a deadbeat. You have no right to continue depriving them of child support and spousal support. Take responsibility for yourself. Get off the drugs. Get a job. Get treatment for your depression. There's no point trying to restore your relationship with your wife until you've cleaned up your side of the street.

He's single with a son and an ex

He's a security guard and has been moved to a different part of the company but they still talk to eachother at work and on Facebook

Mine? Everybody

Hers? Only the people that support her on it

Your wife is trying to singlehandedly raise and provide for your FIVE children, and you are sitting around wondering how you can get back into a romantic relationship with her? Have you considered helping her?!

Dr. Harley explains that a spouse who is actively engaging in an addiction will not follow the policy of radical honesty or the policy of joint agreement, so marital problems cannot be resolved until after the addiction has been treated.

Well, the best help for her will be the reestablishment of that romantic relationship. For that to happen both husband and wife need to meet each other's needs. You are right that that will involve helping her.

Caring for children means caring for each other

I recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs For Parents - which focuses on why it's important for parents to have a romantic relationship.

Whoops - I missed that there was a drug addiction.

Yes, absolutely this needs to be TREATED and you need to become able to provide for your wife and family, or there will probably not be any romantic relationship possible.

I've been off drugs for almost three weeks now. I've moved out of the drug infested apartments I was staying in and I've put in a couple applications. I know I could be doing a lot more. And I'm getting there.

I'm starting to get back on my feet and back to the man that I was before all this happen. And I understand how important it is that I do that. But the fact that we have 5 kids together means that I can't just disappear, clean up and then come back a new man. Its impossible. We're communicating and seeing each other all the time.

Now during this time my wife turned to drinking and partying like I turned to drugs. And when I moved out her mother moved in. And she became single and ready to mingle. I've always been the loving and supportive parent. My wife has always been a little cold and distant with the kids. But that's how her mother was with her when she was little. So now my kids are being raised by two cold and distant women. Her moms a full blown alcoholic that doesn't speak English and my kids don't speak Spanish so they can't really communicate. My wife doesn't have the patients to deal with them so I end up spending a lot of time parenting over the phone.

I'll answer the phone sometimes and all I'll hear is my wife arguing with one of the kids for awhile. Then she'll jump on the phone and say "I can't deal with them" then she'll hand them the phone and walk away.

I know how to handle my kids issues. I'm starting to get a handle on my issues. But I'm at a lost when it comes to handling my relationship issues with my wife.

Dr. Harley's Love Bank model points the way. In a way, it's simple:

A. Make love bank deposits
B. Avoid love bank withdrawals

Of course, it's more complicated than that. You aren't living with your wife and probably can't persuade her to let you move back in at this point, so there aren't a lot of opportunities to make love bank deposits.

Becoming financially attractive to your wife is probably one of the most important things you can do. Financial Support is an important emotional need for most women.

Family Commitment is also important to most women, and finding events that you can involve yourself, the kids, and your wife in simultaneously may be the best opportunity you have to make deposits.

More deposits are made by the really intimate emotional needs: Affection, Conversation, Recreational companionship, and Sexual fulfillment. Your wife probably doesn't want hugs, kisses, and flowers from you right now, but any act of service that you perform for her and the kids will probably register as "affectionate," as will simply calling her up during the day to talk to her and ask how she is doing. Which leads into conversation - you need to engage her in as much of it as possible, and there needs to be no demands, disrespect, or anger in it, and it needs to be enjoyable for her.

The ultimate way to make massive love bank deposits is a date, a multi-hour event which combines all four of the above emotional needs into one experience, preferably repeated multiple times during the week. But if your wife is not enthusiastic about dating you at this point, you will need to focus on all of the above ways of making love bank deposits while continuing to invite her to spend time alone with you until she starts to accept. In short - you need to become an attractive person for her to spend time with, and you need to get just as absolutely perfect at it as you possibly can.

Absolute sobriety is going to be the most important thing for you to do to avoid love bank withdrawals. But also you should avoid saying or doing anything that she would perceive as demanding, disrespectful, or angry. For example, don't judge her for the way she is raising the kids or for the fact that she has moved her mother in, or for the lifestyle she is living. Don't lecture her about what's best for her or the kids. Definitely don't get angry with her.

Meanwhile, lead a transparent life - invite her to check up on you and see how you are living and see that you are drug free and faithful to her. Share your passwords to email accounts, etc. Start becoming somebody that she can integrate with when she is ready.

When both he and his wife are getting what they want from their marriage, the kids are going to be in much better shape.

Do you have the book Love Busters? There is an important chapter in there about marital recovery after an addiction.

The whole book is important reading, in fact.

I don't believe Dr. Harley would encourage him to get back together with his wife and kids until he has a proven track record of being completely off drugs for an extended period. (Less than 3 weeks isn't nearly long enough, and his wife has no way of knowing whether that is even true. Addicts lie as a way of life, and I'm sure he has lied to his wife and kids about his drug use many, many times.) Moreover, in his last post, he made several disparaging remarks about his wife. That does not demonstrate a contrite, sincere desire to focus on cleaning up his side of the street. It suggests he is trying to persuade us to help him get his wife back before he cleans up his side of the street. He tried to portray himself as the more responsible parent, but in reality, he has been getting stoned and refusing to provide child support and spousal support. He is lucky he isn't in jail.

Nobody suggested he move back home.
Meanwhile, it has been suggested what he can do to clean up his side.
His choice to take it or leave it.

I got the impression Markos was encouraging him to try to win back his wife. I don't think it is safe for his wife to be in a relationship with him until after he cleans up his side, so I don't think he should be pursuing her at this point. IMO, he shouldn't try to win her back until he has ensured that it is safe (emotionally) for her to re-establish a relationship with him.

Yes!


Right - that's what he needs to do to win back his wife.

Alcoholic Spouse #1

What sobriety program are you in?

I understand I've got a long road ahead of me. And I haven't mentioned to my wife that I've stopped getting high. As far as spousal and child support goes, she's not even worried about that. We've been a one income family for the last two years.

You know what I think. If you were to take our story but reverse our roles I think you would still see me as the bad guy. And the idea of me going after her for child and spousal support would sound ridiculous to you. Am I right?

My wife is the love of my life. And my family is very important to me. But it seems like the more I try to fix my relationship the worst I'm making it. Right now I just want to learn how to stop making things worse.

Did someone say you were a bad guy? All I read was the advice on what would need to happen in order for this M to recover using Dr. Harley's recommended steps.

If the roles were reversed we'd all be saying the same thing to your spouse. Fix the addiction, then we can right the M ship.

I hope you are listening to the advice and not simply feeling defensive about your situation.