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What sobriety program are you in? Will you take a daily drug test for your Wife?
Do you have a sponsor?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I don't believe Dr. Harley would encourage him to get back together with his wife and kids until he has a proven track record of being completely off drugs for an extended period. (Less than 3 weeks isn't nearly long enough, and his wife has no way of knowing whether that is even true. Addicts lie as a way of life, and I'm sure he has lied to his wife and kids about his drug use many, many times.) Moreover, in his last post, he made several disparaging remarks about his wife. That does not demonstrate a contrite, sincere desire to focus on cleaning up his side of the street. It suggests he is trying to persuade us to help him get his wife back before he cleans up his side of the street. He tried to portray himself as the more responsible parent, but in reality, he has been getting stoned and refusing to provide child support and spousal support. He is lucky he isn't in jail. I understand I've got a long road ahead of me. And I haven't mentioned to my wife that I've stopped getting high. As far as spousal and child support goes, she's not even worried about that. What are the odds she would agree with that statement?We've been a one income family for the last two years. In other words, she has financially supported herself, you, and all five of your kids with no help from you for the past 2 years. Have you been using her wages to pay for your drugs, too? You know what I think. If you were to take our story but reverse our roles I think you would still see me as the bad guy. And the idea of me going after her for child and spousal support would sound ridiculous to you. Am I right? No. You're wrong. If roles were reversed, I'd encourage you to file a petition for spousal and child support from her. Since you are the parent who financially abandoned your spouse and kids, you are the one who should be taken to court. You've got a wife and 5 kids. Man up.
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Joined: Sep 2013
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If you were to take our story but reverse our roles I think you would still see me as the bad guy Did someone say you were a bad guy? All I read was the advice on what would need to happen in order for this M to recover using Dr. Harley's recommended steps. If the roles were reversed we'd all be saying the same thing to your spouse. Fix the addiction, then we can right the M ship. I hope you are listening to the advice and not simply feeling defensive about your situation. I guess her posts made me feel real defensive.
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What sobriety program are you in? Will you take a daily drug test for your Wife?
Do you have a sponsor? I'm actually not on any program right now. I'm on a waiting list for the salvation army. They told me to call everyday an check in and as soon as something becomes available then I can get in. But I have to test clean or they won't take so I've just been staying clean and calling in. I don't know what else to do.
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If you were to take our story but reverse our roles I think you would still see me as the bad guy Did someone say you were a bad guy? All I read was the advice on what would need to happen in order for this M to recover using Dr. Harley's recommended steps. If the roles were reversed we'd all be saying the same thing to your spouse. Fix the addiction, then we can right the M ship. I hope you are listening to the advice and not simply feeling defensive about your situation. I guess her posts made me feel real defensive. I suggest you put that aside, muster up some humility and listen to the advice. This isn�t a place we come to bash people. It is a place we come to help Ms survive, recover and thrive. You�ll have to take some 2x4s up against the head if you�re going to make a real attempt at saving your M. After all what you�ve done so far isn�t really working is it?
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Joined: Nov 2010
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What sobriety program are you in? Will you take a daily drug test for your Wife?
Do you have a sponsor? I'm actually not on any program right now. I'm on a waiting list for the salvation army. They told me to call everyday an check in and as soon as something becomes available then I can get in. But I have to test clean or they won't take so I've just been staying clean and calling in. I don't know what else to do. What about a local AA program? Are you seeking employment? Did you read the article from Dr. Harley that I posted to you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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If you were to take our story but reverse our roles I think you would still see me as the bad guy Did someone say you were a bad guy? All I read was the advice on what would need to happen in order for this M to recover using Dr. Harley's recommended steps. If the roles were reversed we'd all be saying the same thing to your spouse. Fix the addiction, then we can right the M ship. I hope you are listening to the advice and not simply feeling defensive about your situation. I guess her posts made me feel real defensive. Defending yourself to posters here on this site will never help you. I can promise it! If you want to save your marriage, dig in, learn Dr. Harley's program here, and use as a resource to help you put the program into practice. It doesn't matter if people think you are serious or not, as long as you do the right things.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What sobriety program are you in? Will you take a daily drug test for your Wife?
Do you have a sponsor? I'm actually not on any program right now. I'm on a waiting list for the salvation army. They told me to call everyday an check in and as soon as something becomes available then I can get in. But I have to test clean or they won't take so I've just been staying clean and calling in. I don't know what else to do. You could be going to a free, 12-step meeting on a daily basis. Instead, you are sitting around trying to convince us you are currently incapable of getting treatment. Have you considered that maybe your wife and kids deserve better than that? Your "self-will run riot" is what got you into this mess; you won't get out of it by continuing to wallow and get defensive and make excuses. Do you have photos of your wife and kids? Keep those photos in your pocket. Frequently look at their perfect little faces and thank God for them. Take care of them.
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Ok. Update: I've joined an outpatient program. I go three days a week. Random drug test. Plus one hour a week with a therapist. I updated my app with a temp agency. I'm going Monday to put in an app at a cousins job where they're hiring. Celebrated my sons b-day today with wife and kids. I bought cup cakes and ice cream and gave my wife money for groceries.
Where should I go from here?
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Ok. Update: I've joined an outpatient program. I go three days a week. Random drug test. Plus one hour a week with a therapist. I updated my app with a temp agency. I'm going Monday to put in an app at a cousins job where they're hiring. Celebrated my sons b-day today with wife and kids. I bought cup cakes and ice cream and gave my wife money for groceries.
Where should I go from here? Continue with cleaning up your side of the street. Does your wife know of these developments? Have you shown her the proof?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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[/quote]Continue with cleaning up your side of the street.
Does your wife know of these developments? Have you shown her the proof?[/quote]
I told her about my outpatient program and showed her the paperwork. She said that's good for me but she didn't think an outpatient program was gonna work and I needed to do an inpatient one but I don't want to go because I'm to busy babysitting her. And I was wasting my time because it was over between us.
I didn't tell her about the job applications because she's heard me say things like that a million times. I don't want to say anything till I get at least an interview.
I also found out that the female coworker whos birthday was last Thursday and my wife made food for her party at work then made a gift for her party on Saturday was actually the guy that she had cheated on me with.
I found out through a friend of hers. I remembered that a few days after that I had come by the house and she was drinking and she looked like she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. The kids said that she spent the rest of the in her room listening to music and drinking and when they'd go in there her eyes would be watery and she looked like she was crying.
I asked her what was going on but she said it was nothing.
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Should I confront her with the stuff that I've found out. Should I just drop it and let it go? How should I have responded to the things she said to me?
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Me and wife are currently separated and I'm trying to save are marriage. She cheated on me with guy from her job 9 months ago. I found out that she invited him out tomorrow night. She's celebrating her 30th birthday. It will be girls and guys and I'm sure she's gonna be with someone. She wants me to watch the kids well she goes out but if I do I know she's gonna stay out all night. How should I handle this?
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Me and wife are currently separated and I'm trying to save are marriage. She cheated on me with guy from her job 9 months ago. I found out that she invited him out tomorrow night. She's celebrating her 30th birthday. It will be girls and guys and I'm sure she's gonna be with someone. She wants me to watch the kids well she goes out but if I do I know she's gonna stay out all night. How should I handle this? tell your wife and a kind but firm manner that you are not her babysitter that you are her husband and that if she is going to carry on and not be invested in your marriage then the next step is divorce have you read the book surviving an affair by Dr Bill Harley?
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You need to find out if the OM is married and then tell the OMW what is going on. You also need to tell WW parents and her siblings.
Fighting an affair is not letting the WW move out. Cut off money to WW to not underwrite her love nest.
Get that book Surviving An Affair ASAP.
For now refuse to baby sit so your WW can go out and bang her OM.
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We had one rule. Never cheat on each other. There was nothing we couldn't get through as long as we never cheated.
3 years ago I broke that rule and emotionally cheated on my wife with a co-worker. It went on for almost a year before she discovered it. She heard a voice mail I forgot to delete.
She broke down, I broke off the relationship with the other girl, not good enough, I changed departments, not good enough, I changed shifts, not good enough. I felt guilty. Like our marriage was over because I broke our one rule. She was miserable and suspicious. I felt like I was torturing her everytime I went to work.
She got pregnant, when the baby was born I quit my job and stayed home to raise him. She felt better knowing I was at home and things were good for a little bit. Even though I was a great stay at home dad and took care of all the household stuff I couldn't get away from the fact that my dad was a deadbeat who never held a job for to long and I had said I would never be that way. Not working made me feel that way. I got depressed, I felt stuck, relapsed and fell back into a drug addiction. I went numb and gave up on our relationship.
Eventually it lead to her opening up to a male co-worker of her own, then not caring about us anymore. Now I've been out of the house for 6 months. The relationship with the other guy has faded into a friendship. He didn't want to have a relationship with her or anyone right now.
We're slowing becoming more civil with eachother. The last six months were hell. I lost it and broke down. Begged, pleaded, cried. She lashed out with anger and hate towards me. We lost all respect for eachother. She's been a lot more calmer around me recently. I've also stopped being a pathetic creeper. And we're somewhat on speaking terms. Occasionally we'll joke around and sometimes I'll be at the house and the kids will be running around and we'll be acting like the family that we were before this whole thing started. But then she catch herself and reminds me that I need to go.
I really think there's still something there and there's a good chance we could fix this if I handle it in the right way.
What's my next move? Millschris909: Perhaps you could get the mods to combine the thread you started last Friday with the thread you started today.
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You need to find out if the OM is married and then tell the OMW what is going on. You also need to tell WW parents and her siblings.
Fighting an affair is not letting the WW move out. Cut off money to WW to not underwrite her love nest.
Get that book Surviving An Affair ASAP.
For now refuse to baby sit so your WW can go out and bang her OM. I agree with this. Your taking the path with least resistance and the sad thing is that only works with water not humans. Expose and refuse to babysit so she can have a teenage love affair.
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Thank you guys for the replys and Jessica I'll talk to the mods thanks...for everything. I haven't been able to get any of the books since I'm unemployed to top it off. I've been reading the site articles though. I've been trying to make as many love deposits as I can but now I can see she has a pretty solid circle of friends, male friends, family and OM that have been covering those most important emotional needs. They're not letting up and she's fine with it.
She catches a ride to work everyday with a female co worker but yesterday she said she had to work late. She got dropped off by some guy that she hugged before she got out the car. When I confronted her she denied it. I asked who dropped her off, she said a friend from work. Guy? No. Yes it was. So, he's just a friend. Why'd you hug him? I didn't! Yes you did, I saw you! What!? You're stalking me? No, I was outside on the phone when you pulled up. He's just a friend and he was nice enough to give me a ride, you should be glad that he gave me a ride because I had no other way to get home. He lives way on the otherside of town and drove me all the way out here. Dam, the things you have to do for a ride!
OK, RIGHT HERE I CAUGHT MYSELF AND WHAT I WAS DOING AND LEFT THE HOUSE THEN CALLED HER CALLED HER UP ON THE CELL PHONE AN APOLOGIZED FOR WHAT I SAID, EXPLAINED THAT I WAS HURTING AND EXPRESSED IT TO HER IN AN UNHEALTHY WAY, TOLD HER I DIDN'T WHAT TO HURT HER ANYMORE WHICH I'VE BEEN DOING A REALLY GOOD JOB WITH SINCE I FOUND THIS SITE
but I feel like I'm being a little to nice. I don't want to be a push over. How firm can I be on things when she is ready for me to quit and move on already? And how do I do I correctly do this?
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"I'm finally experiencing how it is to have a social life that u never let me have and I'm enjoying myself.... move on already"
This is a text that my wife sent me last night well she was out at a club/bar for her birthday.
She has deleted the OM from her Facebook but still isn't willing to get back together with me. I know its still to soon.
I'm in recovery. I've been cleaning up my side but she still insults me. Why is she doing this. I've been working out and eating better and been getting hit on by other women but when she sees me with my shirt off or sees a picture of me on fb that gets compliments she says I look to skinny or gross. She says things like "Its kinda disgusting".
She's constantly insulting me and putting me down. She is always telling me that I'm wasting my time and anytime I try to make any effort towards our relationship she shoots it down or stops it from happening.
Why is she doing this?
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Where is she living?
It sounds like she's still in contact with OM or there's a new OM. How are you verifying NC between her and OM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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