I'm so sorry about Your DD. That is horrible.

Listen to Dr. Harley:

"First off, angry outbursts by either spouse prevents recovery. No marital problems can be solved if one spouse has even a very occasional angry outburst.Whatever the anger is related to, it makes a solution impossible."

It doesn't matter how often you have Angry Outbursts. Even one is too much.

I am very sorry to hear about your DDs pain and anguish. What a heavy burden for you to bear alone.



I am quite sure you are right, but you aren't going to fall for it, are you? As Prisca says, not ONE single angry outburst. Disrupt the disruption plan with a calm confident response. Knowing you have a plan will help.

The PI is a great idea, you're making progress.

And tell us when you have changed your contact details so OW cannot reach you.

(posted September 1)

The great thing about this site is that when people come here thinking this, we help them learn how to do more, so they can do enough to fix the situation. Lots of things have been listed. The two biggest that stand out to me are to cut off all contact with the woman you are interested in, and end your angry outbursts. These are standard recommendations to save a marriage from Dr. Harley.

Do you want to save your marriage? Do you feel you should not have to do these things to save it?

Again, thanks for your feedback and support.

I do not have a problem with angry outbursts. I may have in the past and a lot of the anger was due to the OM harassing me and making up false claims.

I realized the OMs tactic. He would piss me off so that I would take it out on my wife, which makes him look like the good guy.

I have not been contacted by the OM since 12/2012. I learned to ignore him. I will see him occasionally drive by my house. Which does make it difficult for me every time I see the same make and model of the OM car I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

To clarify, I am not interested in another woman.

I told my wife last night that I will be turning her phone off at the end of the month. I told her that its not out of anger but out of love. I will also change my plan and number then. I haven't been contacted by the OW since.

I told my wife last night that I want our marriage to work and that I needed her help to make it possible. I asked her during her affair to read HN/HN and Surviving an Affair, which she only read some. I asked her again last night if she could do me a favor and read the books. I don't want to be pushy, she even said "you can't make me".

There is little I can do to rebuild my marriage. I can not live alone much longer and I realize that it is my fault that I have stayed this far. I stayed only because I love my wife.

Are you cutting off her phone because the OM knows the number?

Why such lengthy notice?

To spare her the trouble of buying (a second?) affair phone, kindly offer her a new, cheaper phone with a new phone number and some special software already installed. Offer it to her, saying that this has a new number so that OM cannot contact you.

I am cutting her phone off because I can no longer afford to pay for it. Her number was changed months ago. If my wife is still in contact with the OM she is smart enough to know not to use her phone. She will use different apps. The OM is knowledgeable about computers and hacking.

Remember from previous posts, my wife was without work for 2 years and has not financially contributed towards any household bills.

I am to the point that I love my wife but let the OM deal with her.

I missed this in your earlier post.

What's with the laptop?

She was packing to leave on the 2nd when you told her to crap or get off the pot. What has happened since then?

I dont have access to her laptop to install any spyware. Nothing has happened since I asked her to leave. She may be waiting until she gets the money. She told me last night to leave if I don't like it. I do not feel that I should be the one to leave. I am starting to feel numb about everything and about to give up hope.

My wife's behavior makes it that much harder to forgive her for her infidelity. I don't know if this has any importance but I am the 4th father to my wife's children. I am believing that she always had a problem committing. When problems arise, she runs. Sorry if I'm venting.

FTL,
I gave you a course of action to follow, but you haven't responded.

You really need to make up your mind: plan A hard and vigorously, or go into plan B. Your wife may indeed be a renter, but if you haven't done a proper Plan A, you may have regrets.

Whatever decision you make, do not move out. She must be the one to move out.

**EDIT** I have already made my suggestions, and am waiting to see if you follow them.

Hardly.

Why go through the trouble of moving if she can get you to back down and let her be? Or, even better, get you to leave instead.

I asked my wife again about taking a poly and she got angry and defensive.

She said that she will not move out of our house and that there are many couples that are separated and still living together. I told her that we are not separated and that we will not be living together while separated.

I am going to write a letter and will look for support with that also. What am I to do if she refuses to leave? I can not prove that her affair is still active only her lack of commitment and emotional abandonment.