I get it but I don't. It's not like it's a one-time thing. To me, giving up the quantity of exercise that I do means giving up on several life goals, including my dream of my own coaching/training business (which to me means having the athletic experience to back it up and the athletic ability to keep up with clients.) To back off to a level that is more comfortable to my husband may very well mean that I can't accomplish a lot of things that I was looking forward to, as well as having to change a core value of always pushing myself to be better.

I suppose I can try to find life goals that are more, I don't know, compatible with my marriage, but that's a tall order. 32 years to find my passion In life and I have to rethink it because it takes me away from my husband?

This has been enlightening so far, though. I'm really putting a finger on what's been going on between us and why previous attempts to solve it haven't worked.

Rumor has it that ironman finishers have a higher divorce rate than the general population. Interesting tidbit in case more ever wander in here.

I don't think you are giving your husband enough credit. You are looking for excuses right now.

I would bet your husband would enthusiastically do a lot of things with you that you enjoy if you would put your marriage back together.

You're fixated on the endurance sports aspect. Have you tried a sport or physical activity that is completely new with your husband. If your a true "huge overachiever, perfectionist" then you are inately ultra competitive. What better of a challenge for you then to take on a new challenge that you have zero skills in with your husband. You guys can grow in activity together, urge each other on and deposit love units into each other's banks.

Sitting and being fixated on changing your sport is not a solution to the problem, taking something new up and dedicating to it with a partner is a solution that will help build love between your husband and you as well as satisfy your need for competition and physical achievement. Get out of your own way, fixing a broken marriage is not easy <<EDIT>> BUT that does not mean happiness isn't possible. Get out of the way, try something new, <<EDIT>> make up for what you did, that is what true recovery is about. Him getting into your interests at all costs is another selfish idea on your part, IT NEEDS TO BE A 2 WAY STREET.

What a scumbag

Do you realize he only wants you for a piece of A@# and as soon as something newer, prettier, sexier comes along he will dump you like he did his current wife.

Yes.

Since marathon participation led to your affair, it is crucial that you give it up.

Yes, it can be a "struggle" to find leisure activities you both enjoy. So you keep looking until you find them. It is not the impossible mission, you just have to be creative until you find it.

The point of marriage is to make each other happy. Finding your "happiness" outside of your marriage instead of inside has just about destroyed your marriage. You can learn to make him happy and he can learn to make you happy. Wouldn't you agree that is what happens when you are in love with someone?

Perhaps you can be "passionate about pushing yourself to go further and faster and constantly better" in finding a solution to this.

nonnonono, you don't have to give anything up. But if you want to have a marriage, you are going to have to give up anything that comes BEFORE your marriage. And it sounds like this does. You have already had an affair with a married man by having a separate leisure lifestyle so you already know this is a disaster.

Your "resentment" is not the issue here. The greatest risk is your HUSBAND'S resentment. Your resentment willy only last until another replacement activity can be found. His will last FOREVER. So no, we are not worried about your resentment.

I'm glad you are able to express something that is very important to you. This is where the policy of joint agreement will come in to help come to an agreement where both of your needs are met.

A solutions exist. How about biking along with you runs? Rollerblading? When you have to do marathons or train for marathons what creative role can you come up with where he can participate? (meeting at the starting line, finish line)

Use the policy of joint agreement for a create solution to this area that is very important to you.

Anything that comes BEFORE your marriage will eventually come BETWEEN you. And it has.

RGR,

6 weeks past Dday for me and THIS quote pretty much summarizes where my wife's head was when she started her A.

I worked alot (70+) hours a week for a military job, and significant sea time. She worked part time just to keep her nursing skills sharp and make some friends. And...got obsessively involved in exercise. Marathons, Triathlons, LD swimming, etc. We both thought she was pursuing her dreams...passionate about pushing herself to the max. Turns out it was something called Independent Behaivior that I eventually started to resent. Truth in advertising, I am the poster child for Disrespectful Judgements. So she had an A, not with a fellow athlete, but some louse who "admired" her for her personal acheivements.

We're on the MB program and we've acknowleged these two lovebusters. She eliminated independent behavior and I'm doing well with my DJ. She enjoys the 25 hours a week we spend together far and above the of 25 hours a week of excercise. The difference is, she did that because she loves me and wants to save the M. It doesn't sound like you would do the same.

To your H: I hope your wife is 100% honest and no sexual activity occured. It was still an affair, you just won't have to deal with too many of the sick mind movies. Stand up for yourself and refuse to accept your wife's independent behaivior. You can fix your M. You can run (a little) with your W, you can go to her races and ring a cowbell when she finishes, take a class on precision tuning bicycles, co-run her busness if that's what the future holds. Point is, she wants to do this...a set of circumstances exists where she can do this AND it's not independent behavior. Negotiate a way where you both enthusiasticly agree to the rules. You have to want it though.

RGR: If your husband posts, I have other thoughts for him. I'm not even CLOSE to recovered, but your story reminds me of some things I wish I had done before it was too late. Now I struggle with the mind movies and ANGER.

Many a OM work this line for as many years as they can. Some OM have been able to string along their OW till they have wasted 30 years of their lives waiting for their OM so they can be together. Told old now to dump the OM and find a husband and have kids of her own.

Where she now see's the OM even less because he has to see HIS grand kids. Or HE has to take HIS wife to the second home they bought for their retirement that week.

You need to find a hobby and or sport that you and your BH can do together. You spend more hours training and racing without your BH then Dr Harley has spouse spend on Us Alone time that he requires for a couple to spend time together to have a good marriage.

Your married, (but in the middle of a divorce), affair partner met you multiple times due to being involved in marathon running.

I'm sure he will run into you again, even if it's just a "casual" walk-by, so to avoid putting Your Husband through repeated trauma, these evens should be Mutually Agreed to not be a part of your lifestyle.

Every contact will set the recovery clock back to Day 1, but now be exponentially magnified by a callous disregard for the new pain intentionally flaunted in his face.

Extraordinary Precautions, (EP's), are an immediate necessity right now!!!

Read up on them, plus others may share their lists of EP's for you to explore.

Make Your Marriage a safe haven for now.

LTL

That is not Marriage Builders advice for recovery; in fact, it is the exact opposite. Dr. Harley describes a "renter" as a person who accepts win/lose "solutions" and believes it is acceptable for spouses to take turns sacrificing for each other. Dr. Harley explains that the "renter" approach is not sustainable in marriage. He teaches that both spouses need to become "buyers" and hold out for win/win solutions.

The policy of joint agreement requires the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses. That is the opposite of sacrifice by one spouse.

Did you see this?

If you had contact with him on FB, it would be best if you close the account, because, yes, it WILL trigger you. You are quite clearly triggered.

When is the last time you had contact?

This kind of stood out to me.

You realize that your situation is not special or any different than any other affair situation, right? The "7000 word essay" tells me you think your situation is "unique" which it is not.

Your M was not happy because of the same reason that many marriages are not happy - lack of POJA (do not do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse), lack of UA time, and IB on your part (your running, etc), not meeting each other's ENs, etc.

If you do not learn to solve these issues (basically using extraordinary care) and you end up D your H, you will eventually be unhappy in ANY marriage you find yourself in into the future, even if your spouse was a marathon runner like yourself.

And your affair also happened just like any other affair happened -- you allowed a person of the opposite sex to meet your important ENs. Even if your marriage was a happy one, by doing this, you still would have been at extremely high risk for an affair.

I understand, what I meant was trying something new that they could both enjoy would fall in the policy of joint agreement. It may mean giving something up one spouse enjoys if it brings misery to the other.

<<<<EDIT>>>>

Ummm wow. I was being factual. I get things out by writing; initially I began writing the essay to get my own thoughts out of my head and then realized it would be a good vehicle for 100% honesty with my H if he wanted to read it, which he did. Where the heck from that did you get that I was saying my situation is unique? I was reiterating that I was honest and included everything, hence 7k words to describe one month of time that was mostly pretty boring (OM and I didn't even talk much between sightings, mostly a lot of buildup in my head.)

As for whether H will join the forum, I told him about it, but I don't know if he plans to join. He's funnier than I am about processing things on an online forum. I'm leaving it up to him.

As for fb, I use it for a number of purposes, and it's my main form of contact with most of my friends and family (moved around a lot). As such, I hesitate to get rid of it and again, OM is completely blocked. I can't see him, he can't see me. We used to text and I can't throw my phone out the window. Wish I could sometimes but I'd be out of a job.

Last contact with OM was 8/30.

I'm aware of why H and I weren't happy and we're tackling those things to see if they're fixable.

Odds are that I wouldn't run into OM again. We live 4 hours apart. I do mostly local races and so does he.

There seem to be lots of judgments here. I don't, as a matter of fact, spend 15 hours training/racing these days, although I did when I was training for IM. H and I have struggled with what to do with alone time for years now. I have tried sacrificing my time for us time, only to end up staring at the tv because we couldn't come up with anything to do together. We're trying again. He did say he would do some races with me but I don't know if we can make it part of the POJA. The enthusiastic part will throw a wrench in things because his default mode is indifference. He is rarely enthusiastic about anything and this is something he admits himself.

Actually, there's a question. When one partner is so even keel (and somewhat depressed by default) as to rarely be enthusiastic about anything, how do you come to so many enthusiastic agreements? If we only do things he is enthusiastic about, we will do pretty much nothing.

I'm also seeing a lot of differing opinions about running and races and etc. I will say, right or wrong, if it came down to running or my marriage, I'd leave my marriage. H doesn't want to tell me to give up on it as he recognizes it as the core of who I am and what keeps me sane and functioning - it also helps me manage a medical condition that I didn't mention, hence why I was overweight and depressed when we met.