Dear Users,

I am a young man who has been in the military for the past 3 years. I am transitioning now with a General discharge because of a lot of bad choices that I have made. I am the step father to an awesome 4 year old boy, a unborn little boy and I have a beautiful wife.

I was married in April of 2012. Before my wife and I married, we prayed together, we were passionately in love and dreamed and aspired to have an amazing life together. I was madly in love with her and only wanted to give her the world. See she was my Diamond in a rough and I was that guy God sent to make her life better. She opened up to me flaws and all and I hide my issues because my focus was mainly on loving this woman. She has a 4 year old little guy that I loved and cherished.
We got married and everything went south. Two weeks after our wedding day, an ex girlfriend of mine messaged me and confessed her love and how I should not have gotten married. I enjoyed the attention and told her that if my marriage failed it would be because I still had feelings for her. My wife found the message and I promised not to do it again, but then I only hide the conversations between us. I started drinking more and paying my step son attention less every day. I became distant and very sad. I would message my abusive mother that I didn�t talk to and seek comfort in her and she would just bash my wife. I never defended her or cared about how she felt. I would get rides to work with females, but never did I have an affair on my wife during the entire time we have been married.
My wife and I got into a domestic dispute, when I was drunk and I called the police and ended up going to jail and being removed from our military housing for a month. I used my government travel card illegally and blamed it on my wife and hide it from her. I ended up becoming suicidal and going to rehab. During the entire time I was in rehab I called my wife every day and was ignored and never focused on rehab itself. While I was in rehab my wife started having an affair with one of my friends. I did not know until I came home and my 4 year old told me the two of them were in the bed naked together. I suspected it but could never prove it and still cannot. When I can home from rehab, the house was empty and my wife had moved out with everything she owned and I was left in an empty house with nothing else.

From Sept of 2012 until March of this year, my wife continued to have affairs with many men and claimed to want a divorce. I never wanted one, so I waited on her. After rehab, I continued to drink daily and lived a secluded life in my home. I partied and spent all my money on reckless things in an attempt to find some sort of happiness, but never did. I started talk to old friends that used and abused me and conversed with my sexually abusive mother and allowed everyone to verbally assassinate my wife, because I was angry that she left me and was still gone. Of course she would come home sometimes to have sex with me and I would try and shower her with gifts in an attempt to get her to come back. I purchased a new car for her, which I could not afford and would watch our 4 year old, even though I was very unhappy. At the same time I was destroying my military career, doing reckless things and getting in trouble for my behavior, but I did not care. I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving alone. On her Birthday I spent all my money on her to do everything I could to make her come back, but she would still continue her affairs and was honest in hurting me.

I was suicidal and drank to the point of blacking out many times. In the New Year of 2013, my wife confessed her affairs but never confessed to the affair with my friend, who is in the military. Everyone who worked with me knew about the affair and would mock me for wanted to continue to be married. My wife started an affair with a 15 year friend of hers and they started a serious relationship. She would sleep with him and our 4 year old in hotel rooms and would be honest an tell me about it. I tried everything I could to stop it I called her parents, stopped helping her and would pray that God would change her, but it never stopped. In the end, in March of this year, she purchased her own home and called me to announce that she was pregnant. I made the choice to father the child whether it was mine or not. We didn�t know because she would still have sex with me while she was having affairs and never home.

I moved out of military housing a in with her. All the while, I continued to converse with female friends and entertained relationships, because I enjoyed the attention ant emotions that I was not getting from my wife. She continued to talk to the men that she had her affairs with. One day in May I decided to leave and I took everything I owned and my money with me, leaving her to fall behind in the rent payment on the home. She had no way to maintaining the finances but to call her parents and her father helped. I ended up going back home and have been there ever since.

We have gone to marriage counseling, I have lost my military career and we are expecting a child in two weeks. We argue and fight. I want to blame her for my failure, but it was all my choices. I want to forgive her for the affairs, but I can�t because I do not know the truth about the affair with my friend. She cant forgive me for becoming a drunk and fighting and failing her and we are stuck. I am afraid of losing her and our family to another affair, so I am insecure and do not trust her in anyway. She does not give me attention, sex nor does anything that I feel will make me happy. She feels that I only do things to get her to give me love. She says that she is not in love and says a lot of hurtful things to me regarding our marriage. I always make reference to the affairs because I am afraid that they are or still will happen and that she is still in contact with those men. I don�t know how to forgive her and get her to see that I love her and that I am her to be a good husband. I am discouraged because of my lost of career and feel as if she does not care. We both scream and say evil things to each other at time and it�s sad. I just want to be happy with my family. I love both my sons in every way and love my wife just as much and will do everything to save our marriage.

In no way am I blaming my wife for my actions, but I cannot understand how she can show me no love and act as if I am unimportant when I am staying to raise a child that I don�t know is mine biologically and I have chosen to stay. I was wrong for my actions in every way and am sorry for them, but she does not regret or can and has ever said I am sorry to me and it just seems like I am miserable and have a lot of resentment towards her. Please help and speak into my life!

Are you still drinking alcoholically?

Marital recovery is null and void until you face and deal with your addiction.

Firstly, if you are serious about showing yourself to be a good person and good husband, you must build up a track record of consistent abstinence from alcoholic or any other substances.

Both of your lives sound like they are in complete disarray, but you can only choose and do something about yours.

Are you in a recovery program such as AA?

Will you successfully complete a rehab program?

Do you have a Sponsor?

LTL

I do not drink anymore. I had a car accident that really could have killed me and that was my wake up call to stop.

I am choosing to better my life, but I have become so entangled in my wife that I do not have a life outside of her. I do not know or do any of the things that I use to enjoy. I was a fond reader, golfer. I do non of those things anymore. Its as if, if I am not following her lead she is unhappy and it makes me unhappy. I have given her control over my life.

I do have an addiction counselor that I am in contact with three times and week and I do go to an outpatient program once a week with recovering alcoholics.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Is she still seeing OM?

Have you moved back home?

I am sure that she is not seeing the other man. As far as what she has told me, he is blocked from the phones and that there is no further contact between the two.

I have moved back home, and been home since May of this year. Its like we have good day where we are okay and then we have terrible days where all the past actions replay in our arguments.

Did you two live together prior to marriage?

How old are the two of you and does your W also have a drinking problem?

We did not live together before marriage and she drinks but not nearly as much as I do. Maybe a glass of wine every other night. She has not drank since finding out she was pregnant in Dec.

I am 24 and my wife is 22.

Your situation has so many issues, I hardly know where to begin.

1) WW is possibly currently in affair

2) serial cheating on both of your parts

3) your drinking problem

4) blended family

5) possible OC on the way

6) majorly abusive behaviors on both of your parts

etc

So I would write to Dr Harley on the radio show to get his advice on a plan.

In the meantime, even if this is leading to divorce, I would still clean up YOUR side of the street. Plan A your wife (most importantly, eliminate all lovebusting behavior), and affair proof your marriage from your end.

Can you outline all the affairs you have had (when they were, how you had contact with these OW - email, FB, phone?) If there have been several, I would list them out #1, dates xx/xx, description.

That's where I can say with concrete honesty. I never slept or physically cheating on my wife.

April 17 2012 I talked to **edit** and continued until June 2012.

Sept 2012 I communicated with **edit** via Facebook. And it continued until Jan this year.

From Oct 2012 It was attention from **edit**.

That's it. Never went beyond messaging or online talk.

I know I was wrong for the communication but it was only done because I enjoyed the attention, that my wife was giving to other men, from these women.

It doesn't matter if it wasn't physical and it doesn't matter the reason why (in response to your WW's affairs). You have had three internet affairs and this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Have you closed your FB down?

What did you think about my advice to write to Dr Harley and get his advice on the radio show?

You are minimizing and rationalizing the impact of what your messages stated, especially the ones your W read about, "If things don't work out in your new marriage, you would see your plan b option ex-GF".

QUOTE:
That's it. Never went beyond messaging or online talk.
END QUOTE:

Also, it doesn't matter if any of your emotional affairs became physical,.....Yet!!!

Those messages and a failure to protect your own marriage and bride have at least as much meaning emotionally to a spouse that finds out.

You need to see Your faults before you can even fathom how hurtful they were and how to correct them.

Be honest with yourself.

LTL

The two children are both innocent victims of both of you. They deserve an intact, functional family. The current situation is beyond abusive for them. Unless YOU totally clean your side of the street they need you gone. It is abusive for them to witness abuse of their mother.

You should consider moving to another state. The are so many OW/OM where you are that you can't possibly maintain no contact. The employment difficulties stunning from your general discharge will also be amplified living in a military town.

Good work on getting substance clean. I'm proud of you for that. Keep it up.