I am glad I found this site because I quickly realized I am not alone.

My H and I have been married going on 7 years & have 2 children together (6 & 3). Last year we started having some problems and we began to drift apart. We had a married couple who had been our friends throughout our whole marriage. We were all very involved in each others lives. Our kids played together and even called the other couple aunt & uncle. Soon, that friend of ours would be the OM. When the OM found out we were having problems, he started talking to me and telling me he was going to be leaving his wife soon. We started talking every day and sharing more & more about our problems at home. After a few weeks we started feeling a connection. I ended up leaving my H for him & he left his W for me. We moved in together with my kids & his 2 kids. We tried to just run away from our problems at home. After about 2 month I really started to miss my H and he constantly fought for me the whole time. I told the OM I was starting to regret what I was doing and was considering going back to my H. I knew there was a chance I was pregnant and I told my H. He said he didn't care and we would work through it if I just came home. After he said that I knew what my decision was going to be. He really loved me to accept me back after all the pain I had caused him. After a few weeks of being back at home, I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We are against abortion so that wasn't even an option for us. We told the OM I was pregnant and asked what his plans were. He said he doesn't want anything to do with the child. He ended up getting back with his W and she told us she didn't care what her H said...that her kids have rights to the baby & should be apart of his life. My H & I are doing great now and he signed the birth certificate. I have since then apologized to the OM's W and we are on speaking terms. We were best friends for 7 years so it's a little different. I know what I did was terrible and I have asked for forgiveness and have changed a lot. My husband and I are happy now and don't have any C with OM. What we are trying to figure out is when to tell our son the truth...and should the OMs children be allowed to see our child since he is their biological half brother?

Welcome to MB.

Please read all the threads in here and listen to the clips.

Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Also you need to go NC with OM's BW.

Hi Jaylee, the best thing to do is to keep these people out of your lives forever. You can tell your son when he is older but I would not have anything to do with this family until he is an adult. You can't afford to have any association with this family whatsoever, because it will jeopardize your marriage, which would hurt your children terribly. I also would not let the OM ever see the child unless he has a court order. Keep him far away from your family.

Most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they do not use the steps of this program. Rather, they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. You don't have to be like that. Your situation carries many more problems, so I would implore you and your husband to follow this program strictly.

Please take the time to go read the first thread in this forum. Every link on that thread is vital information that is necessary to recover your marriage.

Like Melody Lane said...I would recommend you move away and put OM (and his wife) behind you.

Preferably...you should move to one of the few remaining states that still recognize a thing called the "paternity presumption". Because your husband signed the birth certificate he is "presumed" the father. In a few states, OM wouldn't even have the right to petition the court to request any rights to the child and/or (hopefully) introduce into evidence any genetic testing that it sounds like you already undertook.

Just be very discrete about it...all happy-like just indicate your husband got a job opportunity in xyz state and you are moving. You want to be careful because for a short time...maybe 6 months from the date you move they MAY maintain the right to seek relief in the courts of your current state (which most likely allows sperm donor bio-dad OM's to seek father's rights). Maybe even get a head start by going to the state early and getting new driver's licenses and a residence and, for legal purposes, appearing to already have moved but nobody back home would even know it...such that you can make the 6 months estimated window even smaller. People drag their feet taking action and getting the lawyer to follow through....if you had a "moving party" on August 1st and the statute gives them 6 months...guaranteed no action would ever be filed until over 5 months had passed (if at all). Getting a one month secret head start may make all the difference to your child escaping OM (and OM's wife) that he/she needs.

You should research this stuff and speak to an attorney in your state about the best way to handle this.

I know this sounds harsh...and even your husband may think it's unnecessary and over the top but if you don't go absolutely "no contact" with OM (AND his wife and family)...you will very very very very very very likely end up divorced. Your husband may be acting tough and confident but the presence of OM (and his family) hurts him.

Mr. W

p.s. - OM's wife's demand that her kids have rights to see and know their half-sibling is just gamesmanship. She's no longer your friend and she will do and say anything to punish and hurt you from now on. I'm not saying she's wrong to feel that way about you. She may be the most forgiving person in the world but she's still human. You'd be doing her a big favor by moving away too. She doesn't need the constant reminder of what you and her husband did together any more than your husband does. Remove the option by moving to a paternity presumption state.

I have heard several of these situations covered by Dr. Harley on Marriage Builders radio, and this is absolutely true. Dr. Harley recommends that you do everything possible to avoid any contact at all. I would follow Mr. Wondering's advice and get OUT of there ASAP.

Yes, absolutely. People will invent all kinds of weird "rights" and "morals" and "values" to control you and get what they want at your expense, even though it might not be best for anybody involved.

Dr. Harley has studied and counseled these kinds of situations for DECADES and his unwavering advice is: no contact, for life.

Here's a quote of a quote of an old post from 2011 quoting a post from 2006 with an update.

OM's wife does not have a dog in this hunt. This is SOLEY between you and your DH unless OM himself tries to file for DNA. SHE cannot MAKE you do anything.

I've gone through the whole legal issue with my OC, and the courts seem to be moving more and more in favor of giving Bio-dad rights. (North Carolina strongly favors bio-parent rights now.) We fought long and hard to keep OM out, but it's not easy...but it's WORTH IT to at least try if there is any resistence from OM.

The best thing, I would have to say from experience, is to move your family as soon as you can and start fresh together. OM got rights in my case, which nearly destroyed us, but it was ONLY because of NC that we survived (my BH handled all communication). But eventually things worked out: OM went away, we changed the birth cert, and are moving soon to get a fresh start as a family. We've had more kids since, and both of us are dedicated to being faithful and love building and following Dr. Harley's advice, which has saved our marriage and given us skills to affair-proof our future and build love like we've never known before.

Don't let OM break up your family--you have the potential for a beautiful future together if you make some necessary drastic changes. Change isn't so bad...especially when it's a fresh start.

I am glad you are moving forward and you and BH are in a good place now. Though can you give more details.

What made the OM walk away after fighting for his rights in the courts? That cost him money. I think OM thought getting rights would cause you to break NC.

If the court gave OM rights did the court make the OM pay CS?

Then if the courts gave the OM recognized the OM as the bio dad how could of you gotten the OM removed from the birth certificate?

A explanation would clear up how the legal process worked and why the OM worked hard for paternity rights then walk away.

Hey wanthealing! Good to see you posting an update.