Invited XW to lunch today after parent teacher conference. She excepted! We intended to discuss DS. Lunch was nice and peaceful. I couldn't stop looking at her. She's beautiful. We spent most of the time discussing her mom and dad and the kiddos in general. She talked and I listened. Interjected here and there. Offered a suggestion on how to reduce her mom's financial burden. She was appreciative of that. It was good. We parted ways in the parking and wished one another a great rest of the day.

I am iching sooo bad to send her a link to song that says what I want to say. It's an artist we both like. Don't know how she'll take it, but I reallly want to send it. But I don't want to appear to be pushing the envelope. *sigh*

Good your making strides. Your right about the song though I would wait on that send it to her after a couple of more dates. Or listen to it together and look into her eyes as it plays. Don't do too much space your actions so you don't look needy. I could be wrong though.

I agree with TQ, although I was nearly castrated by women on the Divorce thread for being completely out of touch with dating so I'll confine my advice to : Make love bank deposits, Avoid Love Bank Withdrawls

On Friday night my XW accepted my invitation to taker her, our kiddos, and her parents out to see Christmas lights. This is our yearly tradition and I thought it would be great if her dad could get out and enjoy after enduring his first week of radiation treatments. I rented a mini-van with plenty of room and windows. We had a great time! Singing, laughing, and looking at the lights. They were very thankful. I was grateful. As I arrived back to my place with the kiddos, my XW sends another text saying "thank you thank you thank you". I replied "welcome welcome and I'm glad her dad was able to enjoy with us all". She responded "Me too, he's still up walking around!" I said "awesome". That's a big deal because her dad has not had much energy or motivation to do much of anything.

On another note... as soon as I came through the door to pick them up for our night out...DS runs up to me and says "daddy daddy daddy...look! (as he points to mommy)...that's your wife!" I really didn't know where that came from or how to respond. My gut says he and someone had been discussing it. I simply shook my head in agreement responded "ok...yes".

Lastly on Thursday night I noticed an old greeting card displayed on the kitchen table. I was caught off guard because it said "For the love of my life, my wife". It was a card I gave my XW last year for her birthday. Perhaps this has something to do with DS's comment as I entered to door Friday.

XW will be coming to my place to print labels to mail out Christmas cards today. More love bank deposits...no LBW's to come.

Great news!
Keep going.
Remember it may take a few years but youre off to a great start.

JK- I can�t quite wrap my brain around the idea of �a few years�, but there has been much that has already occurred that I never thought I could wrap my brain around. So�one hour, day, month, year at a time.
In other news� I spent a significant amount of time at my XW place on Christmas Eve and Day with the kiddos and X-in laws. On xmas eve we cooked together, made treats, talked, laughed, watched a late movie. My ex and I made quite a bit of small talk here and there. On Christmas morning she texted me as promised to let me know when the kiddos awake to open gifts. She even held them at bay so I wouldn�t miss a minute. It was a great day we share more laughs and smiles. She even teared-up as our DS taught me how to play chess. I bought my XW a very nice watch to match her hand-bag, a greeting card with a message our �friendship� signed, Love, XH. AND� I bought her the album containing the song that I wanted her to hear. And that�s where things got sketchy. She stated that it was �weird� receiving things like that from me. In the same breathe she mentioned that she was aware that I was attempting to date. She insisted that it didn�t bother her�asked if I thought they would make great mothers? All to suggest that she was happy for me and I should continue on�.BUT I could sense a snarl in her tone�. *sigh* I attempted to explain that I thought dating is what I wanted to do�but quickly learned it wasn�t what I wanted to do, or should be doing. Told her my heart was elsewhere. To no surprise, she wasn�t buying it. We then had a long and somewhat tenuous revisit of how she felt about us and I respectfully stated how I felt. However in doing so, we discussed and I believe we gained some clarity of �how we got here�. I mentioned that I was in a place where I could be very transparent� as she asked �how so?�� I was able to summarized my realization of dealing with my own depression, insecurities, sexual addiction, and overall being emotionally unavailable to receive or give love. We looked one another in the eye as we talked and thought these are things I�ve mentioned before�I felt she �heard me�. She nodded in agreement at several points as we talked. Though I caught myself cutting her off a couple times (after she cut me off)�I took time to hear her as well. I told her about the book I read � she thought it was �stalker-ish� that I would know about it, but I was able to at least make a reference to their story. Ironically, the kiddos volume became unbearable for us to continue� and we left some things on the table. I spent the rest of the night cleaning her kitchen and putting away food. With her mom taking care of her dad and her being noticeably fatigued�I felt this was a must. Before I left�I heard the first song from album that I purchased her blasting loudly from her laptop.  It just so happened to be the same song that I was humming aloud as I cleaned the kitchen. I don�t think she intended for that to happen�but it gave me a big smile on the inside. I took out her trash. Grabbed some things to take to my place�we both said goodnight� she delightfully shouted Merry Christmas as I walked out the door.

A couple more notable things she said about herself:
1. God said he would send His best.. but I told God I didn't want it...cause I'm just not interested in dealing with anyone.
2. When I think back on it... I could've dealt with the infidelity if you would have just "treated me good".

Thought?

Translation:

"I don't want to be faithful to anyone. And I want to sow my wild oats. A lot."

Karma what part are you translating?

This bit:


I'm sorry, I saw that and that leapt out at me, I was a bit quick to the draw.

I dont get the same impression, but I have a man's perspective.
I think if she was going to run around with men she would be using you as a babysitter so she could go out, which she apparently isn't doing

She's allowing you to make love bank deposits.
I think you are able to meet her needs, and your biggest obstacle was your affairs and a solid summer of love busters.
So since you've changed, you should be able to fill up that love bank quickly

But notice how she said that she's aware you are trying to date.
Harley encourages men trying to win their ex wives back not to date other women.
It messes up the mission
That's like going to a dance and dancing and grabbing [censored] with other women and expecting the girl you went with to come home.
Unfortunately, because of your infidelity your dating probably is a trigger for her so I suggest you stop it.

No she isn't doing that. She has other options for baby-sitting however. I'm somewhat convinced that she means exactly what she says...a mutual friend that I recently talked to confirmed the same thought. I have suspicion that she may have entertained it with someone vaguely but it didn't work out. At this point she has way too much on her plate to think about seeing someone.

I can sense her gradually paying more attention to me. She communicates regularly via text or calls out of the blue with updates on her dad, the kiddos. etc. As for dating I think what Harley and others have said is absolutely true based on how she inquired of me. She asked about one particular person name. Ask if had a picture...I looked her up on FB and showed her. She glanced and quickly diverted her eyes. She stated pretty much what you said in your analogy... she felt as if she is now "one of many" on my plate and that the only difference now is I have the "legal" right to pursue them all. Wow...

I suppose she is allowing me to make deposits and yes I can make them. I just have to remind myself there should be no expectations.

She will definitely be leary to keep allowing you to make LB deposits if you're dating others. If you really want to get back with her, then you need to not be dating OW.

On 12/30 XW attended my new church with me and my oldest before he left for the Army on 12/31. We both attended his swearing-in and send off. Good bitter sweet experience...things got a little rough at one point. I kept going down stairs and a couple blocks away to feed the parking meter where she parked. We were downtown Dallas and it was freezing. I mentioned that it would be best that I pay and move it to public parking, so we wouldn�t miss DS-19�s send off. Stated For some reason she took offense and said she would do it herself. and I XW turned NYE outings, but we had a great New Years day. I spent most of the day at her place. We then took the kids out to a winter exhibit later that evening. We ALL RODE TOGETHER in my vehicle! Felt good to spend time together as a seemingly intact family.

I after I returned to my place I received a call from her saying her dad was taken to ER. He was diagnosed with an internal ulcer that can�t be treated with surgery. There is essentially nothing that can be done. It�s a matter of days/hours for him. I had been seeing after our children since Jan 2 so she could be with her mom and dad at the hospital.

On last night I took them back to her place�and things became tense. I could sense her being stand-offish. I mentioned that I began to talk about heaven with DS-6 as it relates to the possibility of God wanting grandpa to be with him. She gave �a look� and smirk as if to say�yeah whatever�I�m not taking that discussion serious. She then adds I�ve already had that conversation with him a while back in relation to her grandmother who passed last year. I responded...I understand but it�s a little different now that he�s older, it�s his grandpa, and it�s happening �as we speak�. At that point I switched gears and asked� �why is so hard to take me serious�I thought we were attempting to move past the old experience?� (she said this on a number of occasions). The conversation then became a rehash of everything that happened during the marriage. She then gave a rebuke of my attempting to reach out and �do things� with her. She says it�s all �game� and I�m just trying to fulfill my �thrill of chase�. I respond gently�no it�s not a game, and I�m doing so because I love you. She says� �well, that�s changing nothing over here!�. She begins to urge me to move on�to which I say that�s not desire to move on�and not what He promised us. I then inform her that I am meeting with the couple who authored the book I was reading on tomorrow�Tues 1/6. She goes off on a tangent say �seek out all the resources in the world, our situation is different and no-one will be able to understand justify what I went through!� �to that I agreed. Things eventually cool off. She then asks me if I had considered counselling for personality similarities that I mentioned our DS-6 had and I shared during our last parent teacher conference � she explains perhaps that was be a better use of time and resources � so that I may better parent to him. (Instead of my meeting with the counsel couple�). I simply answer no I haven�t considered that, but thanks for the recommendation. Our children began to get rowdy and I prepare to leave. As I leave I state that if we really wanted to aid our children in their issues, perhaps the best solution is give up our right to be right and work on us to model and loving healthy relationship before them. No response� I kiss and hug the kiddos and wished them all a goodnight.

Yes...love busters noted. :|

Oh... and she made statements about her "moving forward" and her possibly modeling a great marriage before our children.

It appears that she may be entering the conflict stage, which is a good improvement over the withdrawal stage.
It seems she may be going back and forth.

Are you you familiar with the 3 stages of intimacy described by Harley?

Yes! Jedi_Knight. I am familiar with the 3 stages and I was hoping that was the case. Conflict stage! It certainly feels as though there was a back and forth shift. Never thought I'd be happy to be entering "conflict".