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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 1
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Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 1 |
My husband confessed his affair two weeks ago. Almost.
We have been married 11 years and have 4 children 8,5 and 1 year old twins.
His affair started 5 months ago and as she moved away shortly after they met was mostly over the phone, then a month ago he went to the city she had moved to to see another friend who also lives there. I'm not sure how ill-intentioned he was at the time he planned the trip, but he did decline to stay with the friend and stayed in a hotel instead, with her as it turns out. A week after his return he told a close friend and then told me a week later. I believe that was the first time they had had sex. He is still in contact with her, in that first week after he told me I think it was very frequent, this week I am not sure. But he has told me he intends to keep in contact with her. Also I was sitting beside his phone when she messaged him one night...
He says their relationship is just a friendship, that if they were single he doesn't imagine they would be 'in a relationship' I asked him if they had talked about what happened between them, he said according to her it didn't mean anything and didn't change anything.
I know as affairs go it's not the worst that could happen,I think he has been saved by her moving away but still I am devastated that he has had this double life and that he planned the whole weekend away thing.
All the same, I have no desire to lose him, our lives have been fairly turbulent the last few years, I have chronic fatigue which makes our life fairly challenging at times, he had a severe bout of depression 3 years ago which he took a very long time to recover from, and my twin pregnancy was obviously recent, hard and the last year with them has been a sleep deprived whirlwind of craziness. I don't know if this is me being too sympathetic or something but it seems to me easy to see how he could be tempted by meeting someone attractive and interesting who can hold a decent conversation, it's not hard to spot the needs I haven't been meeting in the last two years.
The biggest things for me now that I would love to have ideas on are what do I do about him refusing to break contact with her? Obviously he's addicted to having her in his life and he sees her friendship as important to him, since i have known he has done things I am pretty sure he has never done before, like leave the house in the middle of family time to call her... she has no ties and no consequences with this, he stands to lose everything, he's not a complete moron, he knows logically that a real friend wouldn't be okay with destroying their friends life like that...
I have spoken to concerned friends who can't believe that I don't want him to leave, that I am happy to sleep in the same bed as him... I feel like I have stated how i feel and what I want and i am not just being a doormat but maybe I am just fooling myself.
I feel like I know he has to make the decision to cut ties with her but it may take some time. I don't want to overestimate my own strength as it's pretty hard to wait, but at the same time we are talking more deeply than we have in years and he is home and helping and attentive to the kids and it feels really positive. I am making enormous efforts to meet those needs, I don't want him to be choosing between the easy fantasy of her and the tough years we have had, i want him to be choosing an exciting future...
Messed up right?
Sorry for the length, thanks to all who have patience to read through this! I would greatly appreciate any thoughts on my situation.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain. Have you read this? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I feel like I know he has to make the decision to cut ties with her but it may take some time. Hi enoz, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I agree you should give him some time. I would give him exactly one hour to end all contact for life or he needs to move out. That is plenty of time to end his affair. I would strongly suggest - as in demand - that he send skanky a no contact letter and change all of his contact information so she can never get through to him again. You see, what he is doing is abusive to you and will tear you down emotionally. Dr Harley suggests that women only stay in Plan A [the plan to win your spouse back like you are doing] for 3-4 weeks. Since you are already depressed and suffering physical problems, you need to get him out very soon if he won't end contact. And I will tell you also that women that allow men to run over them are very unattractive to that man. Men don't like being chased and it hurts your cause. Here is what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about this issue: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS.
The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Is OW married?
You need to get tested for STD/I.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
When you tell him his affair is over, you can hand him the letter below and tell him that is what you would like him to send to this hoe. It should be written together, approved by you and mailed together. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 329 |
Just wanted to welcome you to MB's ~ you are in the right place!.
The vets of this board will give you all the advice and direction you need to recover your marriage. As a FWS, once I got my head out of my _ _ s, and started to really listen and apply what I was being told, my BS and I are finally on our road to recovery ~ we are still brand new (only 6 months in) but I have NO doubt that MB, Dr & Mrs. Harley and everyone here will help you as they did us and countless others.
FWW, 36
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