Writer,

You say you 'don't know what to do' but after you identified your priority as your mother, BH gave you an exact answer. Sit your mother down and tell her the living situation isn't working out.

Anybody can do that.

I think what you mean is you won't do it. And that's fine; every adult in this situation, including you, is a willing volunteer.

If you avoiding conflict is worth more to you your slavedom to the freeloaders, then go ahead and do nothing.

But I tremble for your daughter. She is being raised in this unhealthy environment where her only examples are freeloaders and a poor put-upon mother.

She's either going to turn into another adult child freeloader on your hands, or she's going to get her own uncaring husband like yours.

That's why I think your priority should be to get yourself and your daughter out of there. You really should start saving and forming an escape plan.

But if you can't even have a discussion with your mother, your daughter is doomed.

My mother is an amazing daughter and mum. She is a housewife and she lives and breathes for family. She cared for her two ill parents, she will drop anything to come help us if we are in need.

I guarantee you if she had your rude houseguest of a mother in her home she would simply take her by the arm and escort her to the kerb. I'm not kidding.




I'm trying to imagine my mother enduring this scenario. Quite simply, she wouldn't. My fathers own things would be packed up before he was done cleaning out the room. The locks would be changed next time he left the house.

My mother taught me how to stand up for myself. Who will teach your daughter?

I think it can be you. I don't think you are "powerless and hopeless" at all.

I don't think you are right when you say:



I think you have it in you. I glimpse a strong, eloquent, caring, protective mother figure in your posts. But all you show others is a doormat.

I think it would be amazing if your daughter could see the real you.

Are you willing to try with one small first step?

Your first step should be:

Write out a list of houserules for your mother. And a timetable of chores/babysitting she is expected to do. Sit her down and tell her the living situation isn't working out and you expect her to cooperate in making this a happy home. Tell her if it doesn't start working soon, you'll have to reconsider her living with you.

IF she really is so very ill and dependent to the point she needs you, then she will gladly heed this warning. If she is only interested in bossing you to death for fun, then she won't. Set a months deadline for her to start showing an improvement. Don't tell her, just write it in your diary.

And at one month from today you'll have your answer and can evict her with a clear conscience.

And if you aren't interested in making changes, you won't do any of this and I will have mine.

So tell your mom that you are no longer interested in cable and if she wants cake, she will be paying for it.

If she gets mad, so what. She gets mad.

This is pretty much what we've decided to do.

My mother is very capable of doing work around the house. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's capable of driving herself to her own appointments and running her own errands. She was doing so before she moved in with us and nothing has changed in regards to her health since then. I think she wants to be more decrepit than she actually is so that other people will take care of her.

Her excuse (and she has actually said this) is "You know I've never been a neat person." It's true. She's always been a messy slob. She's never done much in the way of housework. The house was always a disaster when she was living with my grandmother.

But if she's going to live with me, she's going to have to change. I'm not willing to live with her mess. If she wants to live in a messy house, she can find her own. I'm not her maid.

We should have sat down and had this conversation before we moved in together. Better late than never I suppose.

I agree.

We're going to look into it. Right now, we have AT&T U-Verse and our internet is part of the bundle. I would like to find some good high-speed internet and switch over to Netflix and Hulu. It would be a lot cheaper and we would still be able to watch whatever movies and shows we'd like to watch.

Writer, I think the When to Call It Quits letter two has a lot of good advice for your situation with your mom. Go to your pastor and say you need some help, that this is ruining your marriage. Probably they can help set her up to rent a room in a house of a parishioner that's struggling to pay bills, where your mom's contribution would be a needed help. Your mom and the other person would get companionship from one another too.

And then while you're there tell them you and your DH need help with an exit plan. They can connect you with folks that can help you get set up in a new community with a reasonable COL.

That's a good idea. She could ask a social worker for help in weighing her options too. That was suggested to her initially.

But how to help writer's mother is really not the problem here as she is an adult fully capable of taking care of herself. The problem is writer's mother like to call the shots and wants to be in writer's home to call the shots and writer lets her.

In the story of Sinbad and the Old Man of the Sea, Sinbad was tricked into taking the Old Man onto his back, by the man pretending to be helpless and far from any source of water to drink.

When this usually happened, the old Man would then not release his grip, forcing his victim to transport him wherever he pleased and allowing his victim little rest. The Old Man's victims all eventually died of this miserable treatment, but Sinbad, after having got the Old Man drunk with wine, was able to shake him off.

The problem in this story was not 'How do we help the Old Man of the Sea get a drink' - But how does Sinbad shake loose the Old Man of the Sea.

And I would suggest that Writer has the same problem.

How can you 'look into' telling your mother to pay for her own cable?

Surely it is simply a question of saying: "You are paying for your own cable". What you decide to get for yourself afterwards is incidental.

Aren't you going to write Dr. Harley?

I thought the EXACT same thing when I read that...

Why not give him a try? It's an email and you can listen to his response. It's free.

Is it because you don't want to take the advice from Dr. Harley?

I meant, my husband and I were going to look into our options as far as internet goes so that we get can Netflix and Hulu.

My mom can do whatever she wants.

Not at all. I would actually like to hear what Dr. Harley has to say about this issue.

We are not religious. No one in my family attends church.

Oh writer I'm sorry I have you confused with another poster then.

Good.

So you'll write him then?

Yes, hopefully tomorrow.

Have a sick little one at home who needs to go to the doctor this afternoon.

DD feeling better, so going to work on the email today.

I do have one question that maybe someone has had to deal with regarding a parent or other person in their lives.

How do you tell someone that some of the things they do are quite inappropriate or disgusting without hurting their feelings? My mother frequently talks about gross health issues she's having (in way too much detail). Frankly, it makes me sick. I'm not her doctor and I really don't need to know all of this. She also talks about inappropriate things in front of DD5, like things that happen on the news or stuff she watches on TV that just aren't suitable for small children.

I've tried being delicate about these things and letting her know it bothers me when she does this, but she doesn't seem to get it. She seems utterly oblivious to how she comes across to other people.

I'm trying to find a way to address these issues more directly that won't offend her.

Any ideas?

I would interrupt her and request that the subject be better addressed privately in a conversation with just you later. That goes for both the health issues and the inappropriate comments about news broadcasts. If she starts up, remind her again and keep reminding her but do not get cross. She may have some dementia.

Then, when you do have the private conversation, listen attentively but do not engage in a discussion. That way it does not become an attention getting exercise.