My husband and I are newly married as of a few weeks. By most "standards" it was a quick marriage, but it felt right to the both of us. It still feels right to me. From the beginning, our relationship has battled with what can only be described as my husband's possessiveness/insecurity/fear of being hurt-rejection/and unresolved wounds from his childhood. We have been to a therapist twice together, and I have now been to the same therapist once on my own. She stated she believes he has narcisistic/borderline personality disorder, and pointed me in the direction of self-help books and on-line abuse assistance. He has not been physically abusive, but has ravaged me emotionally. I have dealt with every accusation under the sun...from the fact that I work with men and that makes him uncomfortable, to why i wear the clothes i do because i want male attention...to why i am so friendly with people at work (i work in the customer service business)....to why my passenger seat "looks like" it was pushed back to accommodate a "male." He has asked to see my phone to see "who I'm talking to" because he "knows" there is something going on. He has gotten me to the point where if I do not text him or call him every hour he will worry and fight with me that I'm "screwing around with guys" and that's the reason I have not contacted him. He has on a number of occasions confronted men in public that "appear to be checking me out." Then he may turn around and accuse me of doing "something" to make them check me out. During moments of what i call "clarity" he will sincerely admit to having a "problem." It was actually he who suggested therapy. He said he would "do whatever it takes." Over the course of our relationship it was revealed that his mother has emotionally abused him. He said that she would "act out" or act upset and he would have to go running back or jump through hoops to make her happy. She did this to his father too. Long story short, we got married. Despite these "red flags" as everyone has pointed out. My feelings are that everyone has "issues" and I believe I do as well, but at some point you work together to help each other heal the wounds. I have never wanted to bail on him. His mother acted like my best friend up until our wedding day, then "acted out." She was cold and distant and bascially gave us the silent treatment from that point forward. In speaking with him about it, he believed that she was upset because he had chosen me over her. The therapist suggested we "distance ourselves" from her until she came around. So, that's what we did. My husband is in the military, and has for the past two weeks been undergoing intense training that is mentally exhausting and trying. In a way, I feel this has contributed to the actions I am getting ready to tell you he has taken. Last week, he had a violent outburst of frustration with me for what he perceives is me not "being there for him." He looks for reasons that I am not being faithful however ridiculous they are. I feel as I can never do enough to prove that I am committed to him. TRUST ME when I say I WISH I was the problem, because I am the only one willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. But I am not the problem. His accusations have increased to the point where almost every discussion was an argument about "me with other guys" that isn't there. Who did I talk to at work? Did I hang out with anyone? Was I ever alone with another male. It's ridiculous and exhausting because I DO NOTHING!!!
This past Monday he called me and told me "it was over." He said that he was not going to put up with anymore of my "BS" and that he was not going to be deployed for six months and go through "this" or be in a marriage like "this." He said that my "actions" have spoken volumes that I do not want to be married to him. Not to mention, he feels I have "come between him and his mother." He demanded "i pack his stuff" and "get a lawyer." He said that he would be by in a day or so to let himself into my apartment and get his belongings.
I panicked and worried at this point what he would do so I packed his stuff and took it to his mother's. I left it on her door step and changed the locks to my apartment. His mother called me a few hours later and left a voicemail telling me I needed to call her and let her know what was going on. I did not. I felt angry that she had been so horrible up until that point and why suddenly did she care?
The day he was supposed to get his belongings, he called me. Apparently his mother had told him already i had taken all his stuff to her house. He called me and told me "it was pretty terrible" the way I was acting. I didn't understand why?? I told him I was just respecting his wishes by giving him his stuff. I felt that the way I was handling it was making it easier for both of us as well as protecting myself. He told me he knew I never wanted to be married. I said that is not true. I loved him and didn't want it to be over. He told me to give back my engagement ring as well as the lap top. I said no, these were "gifts." He said he couldn't believe the way I was acting. He told me he "hoped" I wouldn't argue against divorce when I'm served paperwork.
I AM DEVASTATED! This is a man who told me flat out that "divorce was not an option." His words prior to this incident were that he "had to be with me" I was the woman of his dreams, and he couldn't be with out me. This marriage was for life.
YET HE JUST THREW ME AWAY!
Against better judgement, I called him a few hours after his last phone call and left a message telling him that "i just wanted him to know that regardless of what he thinks, i love him and never wanted the marriage to end." I got no response. The next day, I tried to call him again, but got to answer. This time I texted this same message. No response. My last effort was this morning. I sent him a poem by Kahlil Gibran about marriage.
My friends are trying to helpful and tell me "maybe he's just busy" finishing up training. I knew that the last few days would be the most intense. His father also had a major operation today. I am trying to tell myself these are reasons for his noncommunication, but nothing ever stopped him before. BEFORE this, he would tell me how he thought about me every second of every day.
DID I MENTION I AM DEVASTATED?
Logic...and my therapist tells me I have been abused and that he has a very serious problem. My heart wants to hear from him and wants him to want to RECONCILE AND NOT END THE MARRIAGE!
I am sitting here waiting for something that will most likely be divorce paperwork instead of a man who realizes that he cannot lose me:-(
I'm not sure what to do?

Phoenix,

Welcome to MB. Sorry for the things that have brought you here.

This is a great place for you to get help with your marriage (M).

First things first.

I believe your husband (H) is abusive. Emotional, verbal or physical ... it doesn't matter. It is abuse.

If you were to have come here and explained his current behavior and he didn't want to divorce you we'd be recommending you separate from him until he's learned to control his anger and stop the abuse.
Given your current situation I would encourage you not to try to plead him to come back home. Save the marriage definitely but with conditions. #1 he fix his anger problem. Everything after that is secondary. If he�s unwilling to get help (anger management ) then it�s best you allow the divorce to go through.

I�m sorry that isn�t what you�re wanting to hear I�m sure but it is what is necessary to protect you and to give any hope of the marriage being salvaged.

First, thank you very much Mr. Alias for your response. I really appreciate you taking the time to provide me with insight on this difficult situation.

Admittedly, your advice is not what I wanted to "hear," but it is what my logic understands. It is also, what my therapist has said...along with my family...and my friends. Unfortunately, it looks like all arrows point in the direction that my heart does not want to go, but which I must follow.

At this point, I am struggling with how someone could fall so "madly in love with me," profess his undying love for me, make promises, take an oath, tell me divorce was not an option, tell me over and over how I was "it" and this was "for life," and then turn around and drop me like nothing. And now, he's completely ignoring me. I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare, or just went through a hurricane. He's carrying on like nothing, and I am left wondering "what the heck just happened to me?!" This cannot be what is meant by whirlwind romance.

And, further, where is all the anger coming from? I understand he has "issues" that were there well before me and that persist that are unrelated to me, but he is acting as if I am the sole source of his angst???? You should hear how ANGRY he is with me. Can someone really be that "disturbed" mentally as to believe the reality is all of the things they are "making up?" Like I said earlier...I would love to be the reason, beause then I can control "fixing it," but I literally have done NONE of the things he's accusing me of.

So, why? Why is he doing this? Why has he gone from Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde? Why has he chosen the path that does not include me?? When, at one time, I was his refuge??? What have I done?

Those are the things I am struggling with. The same thing other abused individuals struggle with I'm sure. And, like other abused individuals, I am sure I will get no answers either. Simply the "it's how it is for people with NPD/BPD" or whatever else is going on with him.

I feel horrible. Especially knowing I will never ever hear from him again. Like I never mattered and he's just going to carry on.

Waiting to get smacked with divorce papers is a horrendous feeling. And, when I do get them, I am sure if will feel like taking a bullet.

What about me did not make it worth working things out for? No answers I guess.

Time will heal? That's it? I don't think I'll ever recover from this bait and switch.

Is he in anger management?

Have you seen this?
What to do with an Angry Husband

Hi BrainHurts,

He is not in anger management. It is very difficult because he doesn't feel he has a problem. He is very resentful that he feels I make it seem like he is the only one with the problem.

What is FILSIL and POJA?

Fall in Love Stay in Love

Policy of Joint Agreement

Here Policy of Joint Agreement

Fall in Love Stay in Love

OK! Thank you both very much! I am reading on the Marriage Builders website and starting to "create a plan."
I have spoken with my husband (he finally called me) and as of this moment my understanding is that he has agreed to try to salvage the marriage and go to counseling. I have a few concerns and am looking for the right way to approach this. Can someone please give me some insight???
I am incredibly worried that I have a difficult and long journey ahead of me...

- He is still VERY ANGRY. VERY ANGRY. He is making demands on me. The primary one includes that I decided between "my jog or him and this marriage." There is really no need for me to make that type of decision, but the reason he is giving is that my job entails contact with males whether employees or customers and that makes him uncomfortable. I don't believe he is asking me to quit, but he doesn't like the way I dress when I am at work (tight fighting clothes, etc. - I am a personal trainer!!!) and he doesn't want me ever to be "alone" with a male employee. He expects me to make adjustments to make him feel more secure. This speaks loudly that he does not trust me. I have never done anything to make him not trust me. He came to me with a great deal of insecurity (I believe and as mentioned by the therapist we saw together) and fear of abandonment/rejection/getting hurt. In my heart, I believe I am highly trustworthy, professional, and respectful at work. He makes me feel like I'm in a third world country and should wear a burkha!!! I believe this is "his issue" that he has to resolve in himself. Not sure what to do, but he is "demanding" here and not taking my needs into account.

-He feels I have communicated and acted in ways that indicate I do not love him or want to be married. He is INCREDIBLY ANGRY that I packed his belongings and as he says "threw them on his mother's door step" and now have "involved both of our families" and generally acted "[censored]" about the "whole thing."
Here is a recap of what lead me to pack his things:
He called me this past Monday night and was angry at me for things I had said over the past few days and angry at me that I chose to put a need of mine ahead of his. I said I was sorry that he felt that way, and that I could understand, and I would try harder. I said I have needs as well and marriage is about making sure both of our needs were met, not just all of his. I told him I felt he was being overbearing and hurtful. He said to me that he was not "going through this" while he was deployed for 6 months and he was not going to be in a marriage "like this." "This" meaning all the accumulation of things he was upset at me about...most of which i mentioned in my original post. He said to me point blank, "pack my sh**, put it by the front door (of my apartment)" he would come by and collect his belongings, and that I should "get a lawyer and plan on going no contest."
I have to admit that he was acting so angry and cruel and irrational, that I was SCARED and felt THREATENED. He was cursing at me and being hurtful and I was afraid of what he might do if he was able to gain entrance into my apartment (which I view as my home/safe place). It is legally my apartment (I am on the lease) and he has moved in with me since the marriage. I started to beg and plead with him that I did not want to end the marriage...that I still loved him and we could work through this! He said it was "too late" and I should have thought about that before when I "treated him like sh**."
The next day, I packed his belongings. Took them too his mother's. Called her on the phone. No answer. I placed them on her door step. I knew she was home because I saw her car in her drive way. Then drove away. Went home and changed my locks.
He tells me later that he can't believe I did that and that shows that I do not love him and did not want to work things out. He asked me why I didn't just leave things alone and let him come get his stuff. He accuses me now of "bringing our families into our marital problems."
When I spoke with the therapist who had seen us both on two occasions (I went to her by myself this past week) she said to me I made the right decision. She said I was in an abusive relationship and that I needed to find an "exit plan" out of the situation because there was a concern for my "safety" and that I did the right thing by taking back "control" of my safety and creating "distance."
I feel I did the right thing. I admitted to him that I called his mother and that I agreed I could have made contact with her to let her know his stuff was there.
Other than that, I feel I did what was best for me, and that I reacted the way I did because I felt "threatened."
I don't understand why he is upset with me when he is the one who said to me point blank that he wanted a divorce? I wonder if it was a "test" to see how much I loved him, or was he using the marriage as "leverage" to get me to "straighten up" and do what he wanted?

-In conversation on the phone I try so hard to remain calm and reason with him, but he is doing all three major love busters...demands, disrespect, and anger. I don't know how to get him to stop? I feel that he wants to work things out, and he said that he would go to counseling, but he made it clear that we were leaving the minute that he felt the therapist was playing "favorites" or "taking my side." He felt this way about the last one. I feel like basically any therapist that identifies he has a "problem" he will deem as "against him."

I'm so frustrated....I try to be respectful and loving on the phone, but even the slightest hint of love on my end and he gets angry. He doesn't even like when I tell him I love him. He keeps answering with "do you? really? you have a sh****" way of showing it.

:-( help!

A few things...

You can tell him that you will not tolerate him cursing and raising his voice to you. And, if he does, then you do not want to be in a marriage with him. Cursing and yelling are immature and disrespectful. This is why the others are saying anger management classes. He needs to learn to respond and iteract with you in a non-angry manner. A spouse should never make their other spouse feel unsafe.

Assure him that you will not be alone with male employees and clients.

If he does not like the way you dress, then you should accomodate this. I have a part time job as a personal trainer and nutritional consultant. The female trainers there dress 'cute' and appropriate for a fitness setting but do not wear tight clothes. The gym I go to train at has a number of personal trainers and only one wears tight clothes. If she were my wife, I wouldn't want her going to work the way she dresses.

You don't need to wear skintight outfits to train someone. Poja an outfit with your H. Loose-fitting shorts and a T-shirt is an option.

I may have missed it - have you considered leaving a job that requires you to spend an inordinate amount of time looking at men while they are pouring out testosterone in building their bodies?

Phoenix,

Until he admits he has an anger issue and is going to do something to resolve it you should be at a standstill with him. You need to do what is necessary to protect yourself. Don�t get sucked into his game. No one makes him angry yet he�ll blame everyone else but himself. He allows himself to get angry in an attempt to control the situation. That is all you need to know regarding why he gets angry. It has to stop if you have any chance of saving the M. That is priority #1.

Dr Harley states that people who are angry are temporarily insane. Which explains to you why, when he�s angry, he does things that seem so confusing to you.

It is just a matter of time before your H does something far more damaging due to his anger.

Let him know you will be willing to negotiate all aspects of your relationship as long as the negotiations are friendly. Let him know you are willing to work a marriage program with him if he�s willing to get help with his anger. Do not seek the help of a marriage counselor unless they are familiar with and practice concepts much like Dr Harley�s. Those are your conditions.

Hi MrAlias,
Thank you very much for you input. When I have moments of weakness, or think I am going to "relapse" and start doubting myself or try to contact him, I reread your posts.
As of the date of this post, my H and I are done. I attempted to reconcile with him. H was willing at first, but it was a struggle the entire way. I took off from work as a result of the emotional turmoil I experienced from the day he declared he wanted a divorce. I couldn't bring myself to eat much less go to work. Was finally able to get my mind "right" enough to return this past Monday. The morning of my return to work we agreed we would sit down that night and start following some of Dr Harley's stuff...the FILSIL and POJA and write down what we both wanted and how that would look "in action." I asked him kindly if we could not discuss anything until we could sit down that night because it is very stressful to handle discussions like that while I am working and I didn't feel it was appropriate either. I wouldn't be able to give "our issues and the marriage" my full attention. I didn't think that was unreasonable. I wanted to communicate throughout the day, but keep conversation light and happy. He agreed yet went back on his word every single conversation thereafter. Each time we would talk he kept demanded that he wanted to know "why I wasn't there for him" and kept declaring that he "needed to know I was going to be there for him." During one conversation, he asked me over 10 times "if there was someone else" or if I had cheated on him. I finally had to ask him to please stop because I was at work and couldn't discuss it and it was making me upset. He didn't.
After I was done with work that night I called him to ask him what time he was available. I was trying to be respectful that he was caring for his sick father. He couldn't give me a straight answer so I said ok fine, we could put our stuff on hold and that I had to work early the next morning, so if it got to late we'd have to have our discussion another night. That is what ended up happening.
However, things started to add up in my head. I noticed that in each of our interactions I was the only one that initiated affection. He kept telling me that he couldn't just let go of his hurt "overnight" and I understood that, but he was not only not being affectionate, he was almost to the point of being cold and almost mean at times. Like I mentioned earlier, he just seemed angry and miserable. I searched myself over and over and thought over the past and I can say from the bottom of my heart I cannot accept that I did anything to make him so angry and cruel to me.
This is probably too much information, but the only time he was affection during the past few days while we were trying to "reconcile" is when we were intimate. Outside of being intimate, he was distant and selfish. I tried to step right back up to the plate and make an effort to consider his needs. Inquiring about his day, how he was handling other stresses in his life, if I could do anything for him, if he had eaten, if he needed anything. Not once did he do this for me the past few days. I kept hoping he would put his best foot forward, but he never did. His view was that I needed to "prove to him" that I was there for him and wanted this. Only then would he "come around" and be affectionate and caring. At first I tried to understand, but I kept thinking that he was treating me worse than he was even when he first met me and didn't know me...it started to eat at me.
So one morning I finally said I couldn't continue like this anymore. I needed to feel loved and appreciated and supported. I needed him to prove himself as well. He got angry. Stormed out. Hasn't contacted me since.
I am trying to be strong and tell myself it is for the best, but it hurts when I stopped to think how cruel he was to me as if I wasn't worth it, and he just let me go.

Thank you to everyone for your input. It has really helped!

Phoenix,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not working out. But it doesn't surprise me. You were asked to communicate your issues with his anger. I don�t see anywhere in your post that shows you�ve done that.

Until your H gets his anger under control and realizes he is the only one that makes himself angry he will do some idiotic things like demand you do this or do that. He'll continue to control you by casting all of your current marital struggles on you.

If for whatever reasons you start talking to him again you need to come off sounding like a broken record.
�Mr. Phoenix, you have a problem with anger and until you seek help for and resolve that problem we have zero chance of having a happy, healthy marriage. �.

His anger puts an end to any type of negotiating. Without enthusiastic agreements you�ll never be able to resolve any conflicts that come up in the relationship. Nor are you safe. You�re mental health will suffer from his poor behavior.

Hello all.
It has been a while since I posted anything.
A lot has happened between my husband and I, but unfortunately, there are a few things that are still the same. He is still very possessive and jealous, and still has (I believe) an anger management problem.
To make a long story short, my husband is on deployment. He has been overseas since October 2013 (about 4 months now). Before he left, we had gotten to a somewhat stable place. We went to counseling, and were actively reading books and articles on marriage together. The first month of his deployment went well, but then things started breaking down. We began to fight again, and his "issues" of anger management and possessiveness began to spiral out of control. Here is a short list of things he was, and is, constantly concerned about, and/or feels:
-does not like the fact that i work as a personal trainer/in a gym. he feels that the gym is no different than a "bar setting" and that people are only there to flirt and pursue each other romantically, etc. i have never engaged in this behavior. i take my job seriously, and in the 10 years i have been a trainer, i have always been professional. even though i have never dressed promiscuously, i have changed the way i dress for him so that my clothing is more "loose fitting." STILL, he makes it seem like what i do for a living and where I work is no different than a bar or a strip club...which is a ludicrous accusation and makes me feel horrible about my career choice.
-that he "doesn't know what is really going on" back here at home. this has been the case despite the fact that there are times where I give him a minute to minute play by play of my day and tell him everything i've done and who i've talked to. after a while, i began to feel like i was "reporting in" to a parole officer each conversation. and when i tried to have a regular light hearted conversation and talk about other things besides what happened at work that day, he would get upset at me and accuse me of "hiding something." AND, despite my minute to minute accounts, he would still not be satisfied and would still accuse me of "not telling him something." after lengthy discussions, I came to find out this "something" meant the "men" I talked to that day. at one point, i got so frustrated that i asked him if he wanted me to make a list of every single male i talked to up to and including the gas station attendant, guy at the starbucks drive through, bagger at the grocery store...etc etc..obviously my point being that i talk to a lot of gym members everyday sometimes a few minutes here and sometimes a few minutes there...all in a professional capacity...and may talk to "x" amount of people outside of the gym for whatever reason....so where do we draw the line in what I have to "report in??"
-concerned that something will happen to us and he doesn't want to lose me
-concerned that i feel he doesn't talk enough or is not exciting enough
-concerned that i will lose interest
-concerned that he is "enough" for me
-concerned that i cannot handle the deployment
-concerned that i do not "act married"
PLEASE UNDERSTAND, that I have spoken with him AT LENGTH about each of the above items. I have spent countless hours being compassionate and trying my hardest to REASSURE HIM. THE BOTTOM LINE is the following in response to his concerns....this is also what i tell him over and over and over and over!
-I love you
-I want to be married to you forever. Divorce is not an option. I will do whatever it takes to make this work.
-I have changed the way I dress and based on our lengthy conversations am wearing the exact clothing that we both have agreed on me wearing.
-If I must speak with a man, it is always and ONLY in a professional capacity and only if necessary (grocery store, bank, etc). I am courteous, NEVER FLIRTATIOUS. My manners and speech do not go beyond basic politeness.
-I do not flirt or joke with other coworkers, members, or men period.
-I am clear about what would be improper behavior for a married person and always have him and the marriage at the forefront of my thoughts.
-My actions and my thoughts of that of a Married Christian woman. I am faithful to God, my husband, and my marriage ALWAYS. I respect the institution of marriage, and abide by the rules governing marriage according to God.
-I have never felt you don't talk enough, or that you are not exciting enough!
-I am not going to lose interest!
-You are "enough" for me
-I can absolutely handle the deployment
In addition, I constantly praise him and tell him at length all the things I love and am thankful for about him.
YET DESPITE my reassurances, he STILL gets upset. We go through periods where things are OK. We have purchased and read together a NUMBER of books both faith based and non faith based books on marriage. During his moments of "calmness" and "clarity" when he has talked with me and opened up about things...a lot has come out about the emotional/mental abuse he suffered during childhood from his mother. he believes his sister committed suicide to get away from his mother. there is "a lot" there as a result of his mother that explains his behavior. she has shown her true colors even with us on our WEDDING DAY. He describes the "hurt" and "wounds" from his mother and past relationships/experiences, etc as his "demons" that he is trying to work on. When we hit rough patches, these "demons" come out in full force against me...he becomes mean and nasty, blaming, accusational, talks with contempt and condesending...just plan awful to me and what i describe as immature and irrational. YET he never attributes the way he feels and acts as the result of his "demons" even though its clear it is.
I have suffered with this for so long. I am not sure what to do at this point as I feel it is getting worse. And. to make things even worse...he issues me the "silent treatment." We have gone up to a week without talking. It's horrible. I feel he is punishing me when he does this...and there have been times when he is clearly the one to blame and yet he will ignore me. I hate it and usually give in and make contact so it will be over. I'm not met with relief or kindness though...usually blaming and nastiness. and there is a period where i have to "convince him" that i love him in order to smooth things over. its a horrible cycle.
Recently...our fights have started because of what i feel is his constant need to find something negative. There was a period of three days in a row where we would get off the phone and everything would "be fine." we would be very affectionate and in a good place, but when i would get on the phone with him the next day...he had "a concern" about something. that something was usually something that happened months ago...that we had talked about and come to a conclusion and there had been no issues since...but all of the sudden he wanted to go back in time and revisit it. other times it would be about something that wasn't actually happening, but perhaps he thought my "tone of voice" or the change in frequency of my emails...or had a couple busy days at work and i couldn't talk as much as i usually get to with him and he thinks it "means something." so even though we got off the phone ok the day before, he suddenly has a concern because he has apparently been "thinking" about this stuff during time between the last conversation. and i don't mind him having concerns, but when i talk to him about it and reassure him...he won't let it go. he won't believe and he won't take my answer. he just keeps pushing me thinking that i'm not telling him the truth. so i get hurt frustrated upset...and i finally cant take anymore and a fight ensues. when we finally come to a conclusion...and get off the phone ok...it happens again the next day...
For example...the most recent situation...which has led us to where i am at right now. Everything was fine. We had a wonderful conversation. Got off the phone with tons of "i love you." our work schedules are sometimes at odds with each other, so there are some days when we play phone tag. we have as a general rule set the 11:00am-12:00pm hour as our consistent time we talk everyday. but it is nice to get a few other phones calls in even if its for a few minutes to say i love you. so, thinking everything is fine from the previous day, i get on the phone the next day. i had called him 30 min before i had to go to work. i had a break. he didn't answer. but, he called me back 10 min before my client. i make it a habit of telling him i love and miss him first thing out of my mouth. he said it back and we chit chatted. he sounded upset. i asked why and he said he had a rough day at work. there were some conflicts with bosses and coworkers...and ALSO, that he was concerned about a few things with me. my heart sank. i felt nauseous. NOT AGAIN. I tried to be patient...and calm...and ask what they were...and he said that he felt i was "talking over him" in our conversation yesterday, and that i was preoccupied and not paying attention to him because i kept saying "what did you say?" i told him that i was sorry if it seemed like i was talking over him because i do not want to do that. i said that i didn't remember when i did that, but i will try to not do that and if he could just let me know if i am doing it and dont realize----thing is, i didn't talk over him, but i figured it was better not to argue with him. then i responded to the second part and said that i had told him the conversation yesterday that i couldn't hear him very well and felt like either the connection was bad or it sounded like he was getting sleep (he's 9.50 hrs ahead of me so its usually his bed time when we talk). i told him IN THE CONVERSATION that i couldn't hear him very well. then again the next day i told him that was why i kept saying "what did you say." he wasnt convinced and said he still felt concerned about these things. i told him that i had to go to work and could we talk more about it later. he wasn't happy with my response, and i said that i had to go to work and i had told him that. he said he "didn't care" whether i had to go to work or not that i should care more about his concerns and the marriage than work. we started arguing and i said again that we could talk later and i had to go to work. he responded with "well don't call me anymore then." i got really upset because i didn't feel this was considerate of him OR IMMATURE. in fact, i found it repulsive and very hurtful. i got really angry and said, "i have to go to work. i will talk to you later." and hung up. i left to go find my client. when i finished work, i checked my phone and had a missed call and voicemail from him. he had called me back within seconds of me hanging up. he left me a nasty voicemail telling me he couldn't believe i hung up on him, and that if i thought it was ok to do that then he would "pray for me." i was FURIOUS at his voicemail message.
BUT, i still called him. However, I was met with nastiness, blaming, accusation, contempt from him. He seemed to only want to talk about how terrible I had been for hanging up on him. We started to argue. I tried to stay calm and not say hurtful things but he proceeded to tell me the following things...
-he is tired of putting up with "my [censored]." "[censored]" being my "playing games" with him, not acting married...etc etc
-he would say things in a condesending manner like "poor baby" and "youre such an angel" "i hope i can be as perfect as you one day"
-tired of me making him feel like he's "messed up" or a "horrible husband"
-tired of me being hot and cold
-tired of me not telling him "what's going on"
...this of accusations goes on.
he feels i don't do as i say.
to be honest with you...I WISH i was the problem, because as ive said before...i am willing to look at myself and change those things that are hurtful.
i really really really try to be as good a wife as i can.
i would tell you if i was doing differently because i have nothing to hide...but i don't do anything!!! i go to work and come home. i don't even have friends because i'm so worried he's going to think something is "going on." i don't spend time with anyone other than my family because its not worth taking a risk of causing an argument.
once when i asked to go visit a friend in new jersey, we got into an argument because he didn't want me to stay in her house...even though she has a big house and a guest room...all because she is married and he doesn't want me staying in a house with another man!!!!
i try my hardest to see it from his perspective...everything that he is concerned about, but i feel like a prisoner! he has flat out told me before that he doesn't feel comfortable with me going out in public and men looking at me. he doesn't feel comfortable with men looking at me!!!! and he wouldn't feel comfortable unless he was with me. in moments of anger and frustration i have flat out asked him if he wants me to wear a burkha because i don't know what else to do!!!!
and now...we are engaged in the silent treatment again because i am at my wits end with the nastiness. i have read and read and read...and i have wondered if he has a behavior disorder..or irritable male syndrome...or narcissistic behavior...but i don't know anymore what to believe or do. i just know that he is MEAN and BLAMING...and i don't know what i've done to deserve it!!! he turns everything around and literally accuses me of everything that he himself does!
i started crying this last conversation because i got so frustrated that i didn't even know what we were arguing about...and he started asking me crazy questions like:
"do you even love me anymore?"
"you tell me you love me, but your actions say something else, and i think this is what you want. i think you want it to be over."
HE SAYS these things to me even though i say over and over and over that i love him and want to make the marriage work!!!
i am at my wits end!!! i am to the point where i have extreme anxiety about even talking to him on the phone. i got physically sick after our last converation. he was SO MEAN to me that i shut down and stopped talking. he said in a nasty voice "do you have anything to say to me" and i muttered "no" because i was just exhausted. he said goodbye and we hung up. there was no communication until the next day (saturday). i had to work and he called me during a time when i wasn't at my phone. he didn't leave a voicemail and i was scared to death to call him back. it would be a fight all over again. i would be met with nastiness and anger. i couldn't bring myself to call him. i haven't called him since. it is now sunday and he hasn't communicated any further.
i drafted a few emails, but never sent and discarded them all.
i hate the silent treatment. i do love him. i don't know what to do.
i am struggling because i don't know what i am truly dealing with.
im not saying i'm perfect. i take full responsibility for everything i've done wrong. but even if i've done wrong, do i deserve for him to be mean and angry and nasty to me??? i feel like i can't even talk to him until he is not angry anymore. we cannot communicate rationally when he is angry. he is just so nasty and "crazy" sounding.
i don't know what to do.
but, i am worried about what my silence communicates. i thought of him thinking i don't love him. it makes me sick. but i don't know what more to do than i am doing...to prove to him i love him. i am already faithful and i call him everyday. he is in another country. what am i to do??
i finally sent him an email and said...I love you. that was it.
i do not expect a response. he has ignored me before. and i am scared to call him. i wont call him. he will just berate me and make me grovel. he will be mean to me.
i don't know what to do. he feels like everything is my fault.
please help. i feel crazy...like he's describing things i'm doing and things about me that i literally don't do or have any idea i do. its like he's describing himself almost...but blaming me. i don't know. i feel crazy.

i'm sorry the last post was so long. i had to recap our roller coaster since september 2013 since that was when i really last posted.
i know moderators and other individuals have told me to tell him to get help with his "anger" before moving forward with any negotiations for the marriage.
i've told him this...and told him that he has an anger management problem...but he never responds to me. he doesn't believe that he does.
so not only am i dealing with someone who has anger problems, but i'm also dealing with someone who won't take responsibility and refuses to look at/see his problems. he blames everything on me. he's flat out told me he's "tired of" me making him feel like he has "issues."

I'm going to do the best I can to work with the wall of text you threw up here...



This is a good opportunity for him to work an managin his anger, and for you to be separated from him while he does so.


However, overnight separations are HORRIBLE for marriages in general. This is a key and central problem in your marriage; constant separation. It is impossible to create and/or maintain romantic love in a marriage when the couple is constantly separated.


This is pretty much you directing angry outburst at your husband. Rationalizations don't make it not an angry outburst. It was a disrepsectful way to address a complaint.


These are all legitimate concerns for a man who is on deployment away from his wife.

The solution is to do what he can to end overnight separations, and for the two of you to create an integrated, transparent lifestyle that compliments your marriage.



Can you elaborate on this? Do you have poor boundaries?



You say;


And then follow it with;



And then it fleshes out;


He has a legitimate concern about you being away from him and staying in a home with another man. We see affairs occur in this manner every day here... and they are often from people who "never thought they would."

And again, you address his concern with disrespect and anger, and justify it.



It appears that you are quite dismissive of his concerns. That you believe that he should just trust you unconditionally. That isn't so.

That does not - in any way, shape, or form - give him license to be disrepectful, demanding, or to act out his anger. But, it's a two way street. You need to work on a plan to eliminate your own disrepsect and anger, while demonstrating to him that his disrespect, demands, and anger are not tolerable, and are destroying your marriage.

It also needs to be addressed that his career is going to continue to erode your marriage, and that he is never going to feel safe in a marriage in which he is constantly separated over night from his wife.

Honestly - considering a short marital history and no common children, if he does not address his anger, disrespect, and demands... divorce is likely the best possible option.

Regarding gyms, Dr Harley has said that they are breeding grounds for affairs

Phoenix, I know you meant your vows when you said them, but this wasn't what you agreed to get into. If he's marriage material he would listen to you how his anger is hurting you and destroying your marriage and get some help. Have you read the When to Call It Quits articles? The second one is from a woman in a similar situation and what help is available.

My stepdad is just like you describe your H. She was a geriatric nurse, worked with the seniors and the mostly female nursing staff. He would go to her work and look in the windows there and if she talked at all to the male security guard he would berate her about it for half an hour when she got home. She's 300 pounds and wears loose clothes but it doesn't matter he's always on her about how someone came up to talk to her or whatever. After 27 years married still expects her to answer her phone or call back immediately, or comes up with crazy accusations. When she was recovering from knee surgery and you can understand did not want to bring the phone in the bathroom with her.

Could you imagine ever bringing a kid into this environment? Thank goodness he showed you his true colors while your options are still easier.

Phoenix,
Although I agree that you mustn't permit you H abuse to continue, I would add this.

H is showing many signs of out of control anxiety and the thought distortions that go with anxiety. His anxiety is triggered by every snapping twig, or every real or imagined emotional threat. He is far from home in a high stress environment and his fight or flight instincts are in overdrive.

You are the one person on earth he can tell he has concerns without seeming unmanly. The concerns may be less about you than they seem.

I believe you are doing the right things by trying to calm and reassure him. Can you manage your reactions so you don't lash out when provoked?

Hi ItCanGetBetter,
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post.
I desperately feel I need some insight on this situation because I feel overwhelmed.
I haven't had time to respond yet to the others' replies, but I agree there are elements of my responses that can be changed/improved, and I need to work on my own AO...even if it is only ever in response to my husband's AO...I know it doesn't make it right. I understand I need to maintain a "healthy" response...even if it is to "unhealthy" behavior...but I feel, therein lies the challenge.
Your comments about "out of control anxiety," "thought distortions," "anxiety triggered by every snapping twig, or every real or imagined emotional threat," rings SO TRUE for me. I was searching for the words to describe what I feel I am going through...and you hit the nail on the head.
At this point in time...I am experiencing what we have gone through over and over, and that is the "silent treatment." I feel as if I am being punished to be honest with you. Our last conversation last Friday was horrific. He was so mean and nasty to me that I shut down and told him I could not continue the conversation unless he stopped cursing, blaming, being condescending..etc etc. This made him angrier and he became what I describe as "childish." Speaking to me in a sarcastic manner and saying things like "poor baby," and "i only wish i could be as perfect as you." I remained as calm as I could and did not do this back to him. When I got quiet because I was so beaten down feeling, he asked me if i had anything else to say to him. I said no, and he said "ok" and then we said goodbye. He called me a few times the next day, but I was at work and couldn't answer. He left no message, and I never called him back.
To be honest, the thought of calling him and having him makes me feel weak and nauseous. I am not one to have panic attacks, but it is the only thing I can liken the feeling. This has happened so many times I can predict with 100% certainty that he will be demanding and mean. I will have to grovel and apologize for everything, and prove to him that I love him. I am getting to the point where I cannot do this anymore. It is making me physically ill.
He has not contacted me since his phone calls Saturday. It is now Tuesday. I read a few of the others replies and decided to try to extend the white flag and sent him an email Sunday that just said "I love you."
I received no response.
I don't know what to do. Some of my friends have told me to "wait and see."
Some have told me no contact.
I feel like I cannot talk to him until he can speak to me without anger. He will undoubtedly still be angry and mean if I try to call him right now.
The hardest thing has been to "be married" and go through this silent treatment.
This is not what I took vows for.
I cannot imagine going days without talking to my spouse. This is not a dating situation...this is a marriage.
I am so sad!