How long did it take for her to get rid of it.


Too long. Claimed to of gotten rid of it twice. Third time it appeared it was thrown into the ocean by me.

I would contact that BF, perhaps you can do it anonymously or posing as your wife, or posing as some other male. She has an extremely jealous husband. If I contact her posing as my wife. She can contact her directly afterward maybe wanting to restart their old friendship. A mess that is not needed.


BF might have started an affair with OM crushing your W?


Gamma what are you smoking or drinking?

I think her BF felt that I had should of moved past her playing cupid and setting up wife with the OM.

Or the story my wife told me how she met OM through BF was just a lie. I do not even know what my wife told her friend why I refused to be friends with them. Wife could of lied to her friend why I would not be friends with them.

I do not know what happened and it drives me crazy. Did BF know I held it against her for playing match maker? Or did wife try to do damage control with the BF?

All I do know is what wife said that her friend ended the second period of their friendship. All wife said was that BF said we can't be friends if your husband will not be friends. What is the truth?


Have not seen the BF in over 30 years.

I know as soon as I ask her parents they will not answer me. Though they will tell wife I was asking about the OM. Talk about the manure hitting the fan.


God Bless
Gamma

LL,

You're looking for answers in the wrong places. You use manipulative and dishonest tactics in an attempt to get what you want,

So how do you get answers from a recalcitrant spouse?

without considering what damage it does to others,

And this damage is?

It seems to me that you want your wife to be in love with you,

W says she is?

God Bless
Gamma

You DO understand don't you that it is not our right to get 'whatever we want' from our spouses. No matter how justifiable.

RH is an important EN. Do you really think an important EN can be tricked and wheedled out of somebody?

You have only the options of encouraging honesty, letting it go or leaving.

But I'm not convinced you can be trusted with RH when you take such extreme measures.

Taking her to MEET him as a trick was so disrespectful and careless.

Do you plan on giving her the RH she is owed that it was actually a set up? That you are careless about NC?

Your use American language is very good being it is your second language.

Gamma and TheRoad,

Yesterday's show talks about an issue as similar to yours as an example can get - please listen to it before it goes into the archives. It plays until noon Central today, under "Listen Now".

LL,

Nice program, I would like to know what the good doctor would do had it been his wife who had been lying to him for years.

God Bless
Gamma

Why don't you email him and ask him?

You evade. I know he wouldn't keep pressing until she didn't want conversation any more. He would either divorce or reconcile, reconciliation being once you know how the affair started, what vulnerabilities to guard and protect, you go forward without bringing up the affair again. If one can't do that, then divorce for if one doesn't, it's not a good or great marriage anyway. It's at best purgatory.

You come across as knowing your wife is lying and you know that because you know the truth already. Like the husband said on the radio, you may be trying to force her to "own it," that is, agree the truth is what you say it is. Dr. Harley said that with enough pressing for more and more information over an extended time, the former WS may say they remember something that wasn't even so. You're making her cough up bile and calling that trickle truth.

How does one know their wife does not really remember or is just telling her husband she does not remember.

Thing is it appears that a wife would rather stay in limbo forever then tell the truth.

Remember what? If it's who the AP was, how it started, or essentially the things one needs to know for the sake of EP's, then the necessary components of JC are not in place. If it's more and more gory details, that won't help the recovery of the marriage, it harms it.

"Thing is it appears that a wife would rather stay in limbo forever than tell the truth" is an incredibly disrespectful judgment.

If you think you don't know something important, and can't believe your wife, then the best option out there is a polygraph. Some would be thankful of that option if it could clear them and put the question(s) to rest.

I never got the OM's name. Wife claims to not remember it. Wife claims to not remember the little she has already told me in the past. Wife even years ago claimed to not remember.

As to details I never got that far in asking. I doubt they can be worse then I could imagine. I used the word could because I have not let my imagination run away. Even after all these years.

I do not like that she gave up things to him. Whatever they were. I feel that what she gave to him she gave them to easily.

Thirty plus years ago no lap tops, MB, or Dr H. When we got back together wife said we can not take about what happened. I said why is there anything that happened that I would not like. Wife said no. So I mistakenly let things go.

Thing is things caused me to trigger every few years and wife would trickle the smallest crumb of truth. This happened four or five times. To where the last time was in about 2004.


"Thing is it appears that a wife would rather stay in limbo forever than tell the truth" is an incredibly disrespectful judgment.


Why do you say this? She is pretending that I have know desire to hear the truth. Or choosing to ignore my need for the truth. She will not give the truth that I have asked for. So she stands in no mans land with me.

It is disrespectful for her to treat me as a child and make her alone decide what I need to know. She told me 30 plus years ago that nothing happened that would upset me. That was not true. We got back together based on that nothing happened.

Now she does not want to remember. Tough.

She needed to tell me all back then. Then she could say now that she does not want to try and remember what happened because she has blocked it out. That there would be no point in talking about it now. I already know everything.

Though it did not happen that way 30 years ago. I still do not know the OM's name. I do not know if wife and I ever crossed paths with the OM.

And if she woke up tomorrow and was to tell me all that happened at this point I do not think I would believe that she has not held anything back.

How would I know that I got it all?

What could she do to make me believe her?

How could she prove what she was to divulge?

Okay, not knowing who the AP was is one of the JC things left undone. I feel that you have a right to know, I don't argue otherwise. However, you can't continue with disrespect, it's not making a happy marriage. I think this issue about knowing who he is would be a great radio question for Dr. Harley. What do you think?

LTL would you believe your wife if she said I do not remember the OM's name?

Whether I would believe it or not, the fact remains I'm left with a decision to make: be disrespectful about it, demand an answer, or choose to end the marriage because I couldn't truly reconcile without knowing.

You didn't answer what you think of asking Dr. Harley about it.

I have emailed Dr Harley twice. Not about this and not ready to do so now.

Now please answer would you believe or not believe if your WW could not remember her OM name?

Anyway thank you for responding.

TheRoad,

I do not like that she gave up things to him. Whatever they were. I feel that what she gave to him she gave them to easily.

That's one feeling which is very difficult to shake, on a rational level I know that a affair is often more intense than an honest relationship because there is the simultaneous repulsion from the BS and attraction to the AP. The betrayed spouse is sometimes left comparing his relationship to the affair relationship for the rest of his life.

It is disrespectful for her to treat me as a child and make her alone decide what I need to know. She told me 30 plus years ago that nothing happened that would upset me. That was not true. We got back together based on that nothing happened.

There is a paternalistic attitude, my W has it, that the details no longer matter, she said one time she would never disclose sexual details.

Though it did not happen that way 30 years ago. I still do not know the OM's name. I do not know if wife and I ever crossed paths with the OM.

Think hard about your Ws collection of friends, you might already know who it is.

And if she woke up tomorrow and was to tell me all that happened at this point I do not think I would believe that she has not held anything back. How would I know that I got it all?

You won't get it all, but you will get enough when her stories line up and are at least self-consistent. At this point you have 1 cent on the dollar, 10 cents on the dollar is still 10 times what you have now.

What is important is that she tells you everything you remember, so she is being as truthful as she can be with you.

What could she do to make me believe her? How could she prove what she was to divulge?

If OM is still alive you could compare stories, even if he is dead OMs W might know what happened, men like to brag about their conquests. If you know who OM is you may be able to speak with his old friends as well.

God Bless
Gamma

TheRoad,

Now please answer would you believe or not believe if your WW could not remember her OM name?

How can your WW forget a man when she kept his jewelry for years and years?

It's absurd, and what's worse in someways is that your WW got her family to lie along with her.

God Bless
Gamma

You go over the top to easy. Her family never lied. I never asked them anything.

I do not like that she gave up things to him. Whatever they were. I feel that what she gave to him she gave them to easily.

That's one feeling which is very difficult to shake, on a rational level I know that a affair is often more intense than an honest relationship because there is the simultaneous repulsion from the BS and attraction to the AP. The betrayed spouse is sometimes left comparing his relationship to the affair relationship for the rest of his life.



Rephrase gave things up to him to easy I meant it made me feel less special because for what she gave me she showed she could give it up to others.


It is disrespectful for her to treat me as a child and make her alone decide what I need to know. She told me 30 plus years ago that nothing happened that would upset me. That was not true. We got back together based on that nothing happened.

There is a paternalistic attitude, my W has it, that the details no longer matter, she said one time she would never disclose sexual details.

Though it did not happen that way 30 years ago. I still do not know the OM's name. I do not know if wife and I ever crossed paths with the OM.


Think hard about your Ws collection of friends, you might already know who it is.


Again you jump to conclusions to fast. I do not think that we ever cross paths with the OM. My gut never felt NC was broken. Though not knowing who my opponent is left me feeling at a disadvantage then and still feeling that way now. I told my wife that how am I to protect my hen house when I do not know who to protect it from.


And if she woke up tomorrow and was to tell me all that happened at this point I do not think I would believe that she has not held anything back. How would I know that I got it all?


You won't get it all, but you will get enough when her stories line up and are at least self-consistent. At this point you have 1 cent on the dollar, 10 cents on the dollar is still 10 times what you have now.


One cent on the dollar is where I am now. Waiting this long ten cents on the dollar is not going to cut it any more. I want ninety nine cents on the dollar now. Let her be able to forget one percent because due to the time that has passed.


What is important is that she tells you everything you remember, so she is being as truthful as she can be with you.


The problem is she no longer remembers the misdirection's that she told me. So I believe that is another reason she does not want to talk about back then because she does not remember what she has told me over the years. So she does not want to get caught for lying on top of trickle truthing.

I remember the last time we spoke WW got disconcerted that I had remembered every detail she had told me previously.


What could she do to make me believe her? How could she prove what she was to divulge?


If OM is still alive you could compare stories, even if he is dead OMs W might know what happened, men like to brag about their conquests. If you know who OM is you may be able to speak with his old friends as well.


There was no OMW, no OMGF. It is safe to assume wife's best friend and her husband still live where they did 30 years ago. They would not be willing to tell me anything. Remember OM was coworker and or friend of BF husband. At least what my wife led me to believe. So they are not going to want to help me. Then soon as they hang up the phone the BF is going to call my wife telling her that I was asking questions. Then I do not know how much the BF and Husband socialized with wife and OM then. Or how much my wife confided in her friend at that time.

Then looking back the first time my wife said her friend fixed her up with the OM. The last time after her BF told her that they could not be friends any more because I would not be friends with them. I asked my wife does she not understand that her BF is dead to me because she set you up with the OM. To which my wife downplayed the BF and Husband connection to the OM. That it was almost nothing between them and the OM.

I then pointed out how version 1 and version 2 of how she met the OM was not matching. She was surprised that I remembered what she said years prior. Stated that she did not remember what she said the first time. Then would not talk any more.

Did wife tell me the truth the first time. Or was that an excuse made up for my benefit. Or was the second time the truth. Her BF just dumped when she told me the second time. So it would appear that my wife no longer needed to defend her so she told me the truth. But it was not very truthful for my wife at that time still did not explain exactly how OM and her got together.

TheRoad,

There was no OMW, no OMGF. It is safe to assume wife's best friend and her husband still live where they did 30 years ago. They would not be willing to tell me anything. Remember OM was coworker and or friend of BF husband. At least what my wife led me to believe. So they are not going to want to help me. Then soon as they hang up the phone the BF is going to call my wife telling her that I was asking questions. Then I do not know how much the BF and Husband socialized with wife and OM then. Or how much my wife confided in her friend at that time.

I suggested this because you are at a dead with and no other sources of information, you might not get what you want but it may be your only shot.

At the very least it may bring you and your W into conflict, which was a part of the reason I brought my W to meet OM2. There is some chance your WW will spill when she gets angry.

There was a poster on here about 2 or so years ago who contacted the OM and gained his confidence, which he was then able to get his WW to spill not just about that OM but 2 or 3 others.

I don't recall the name, although I emailed him directly when he had accidentally revealed his real name in the forum.

God Bless
Gamma