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The operation WILL succeed...what isn't guaranteed is whether the surgeon will save the infected limb. wink But the patient WILL survive, recover, and thrive!!

Every time you get scared, just think of your WW as a cancer-infected arm that you'd really like to keep, but will be able to live without.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Neak, your modification to my analogy improves it greatly!
Do you mind if I put it away in my "future posts" notebook?

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Sure! I'm honored. smile And since we're speaking of thriving without arms, did you see this?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...ODYBUILDER.html


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I have been mowing it over all day and I still don't have the full mindset to accomplish this. To answer some of your questions I did expose to WW family and friends, OM family and friends and my family. One of WW friends is someone who subs at her school all the time. I also sent the flowers to her school and the card was not in an envelope. It read " From your loving husband who is doing everything he can to save our marriage. Come home... We can work this out.

I have not heard anything from WS about watching our dog. I am making other arrangements for him for the weekend. Also, WW has not blocked my cell phone yet as I called her today and it rang and rang then went to VM. I left a message saying "Hey WS, Just wanted to see how your day was going. Wanted to know if you wanted to talk for a little bit."

I am going to send another dozen roses tomorrow. With a card that says "Because I love you, Because you are my best friend, Because we can work this out together. Always Will!" Do you guys think this makes me seem weak or needy? I have also though about sending sweet texts in the morning again. WW used to love this. Since OM can no longer text her in the morning or all day everyday. I want to fill that void. I am still in Plan A.

I am trying to get it together to expose to work. This is a really tough one for me guys. Last night was a hard night for me. All I could think about is that OM was going to jail today and WW was at his house last night. I am not for sure if she was but I could only think she was. I broke down and cried and cried. It is all I have been able to think about all day.

I plan to write a love letter at some point. I just have so much to say and don't know where to start. Life seems broken right now and I am having trouble picking up the pieces.

L&S

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You will make it lost. It'll be ok.

The flowers and text are fine, but the text shouldn't be "sweet". It should attempt to be engaging. To invite a friendly response. To OPEN dialogue whereupon maybe...just maybe YOU can fill the "friendship" void left open by OM.

How about something like:

"I'm going to need your mortgage check for September and still wish you'd take the dog this weekend. Also if you want to end our marriage by 2014 we are going to need to be on speaking terms. Losing my wife and best friend in the course of a six weeks has been extremely upsetting to me. I can't eat nor sleep. I don't even know if you are safe. Please help me understand this and give me some closure"


Whatever BS you can throw at her to get her to start talking to you.

My preference would be that you'd have the work exposure done BEFORE that text message. She may respond after the exposure or after the text to lecture you about the exposure but either way you can give a half-hearted George Costanza apology "Was that wrong?....if someone had told me that that was frowned upon here up front then I certainly wouldn't have done it".


Finally...the love letter. DO NOT SEND IT. If you must, write it for your own benefit and put it away. If you ever get the affair busted up and you are able to actually make love bank deposits THEN might be a good time to present it to her as a demonstration of your love and commitment in "bad times"....but she certainly won't care about it now.


Sorry you are having a tough night.

Mr. W





FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Originally Posted By: lost_scared
I have been mowing it over all day and I still don't have the full mindset to accomplish this. To answer some of your questions I did expose to WW family and friends, OM family and friends and my family. One of WW friends is someone who subs at her school all the time. I also sent the flowers to her school and the card was not in an envelope. It read " From your loving husband who is doing everything he can to save our marriage. Come home... We can work this out.

I have not heard anything from WS about watching our dog. I am making other arrangements for him for the weekend. Also, WW has not blocked my cell phone yet as I called her today and it rang and rang then went to VM. I left a message saying "Hey WS, Just wanted to see how your day was going. Wanted to know if you wanted to talk for a little bit."

I am going to send another dozen roses tomorrow. With a card that says "Because I love you, Because you are my best friend, Because we can work this out together. Always Will!" Do you guys think this makes me seem weak or needy? I have also though about sending sweet texts in the morning again. WW used to love this. Since OM can no longer text her in the morning or all day everyday. I want to fill that void. I am still in Plan A.

I am trying to get it together to expose to work. This is a really tough one for me guys. Last night was a hard night for me. All I could think about is that OM was going to jail today and WW was at his house last night. I am not for sure if she was but I could only think she was. I broke down and cried and cried. It is all I have been able to think about all day.

I plan to write a love letter at some point. I just have so much to say and don't know where to start. Life seems broken right now and I am having trouble picking up the pieces.

L&S


Lost_Scared - in all honesty, she was probably at his house last night. He is after all going away for a period of time. Mostly likely doing what "couples" do - trying to enjoy each others company before they are separated.

We all have said this before - you are putting yourself through hell trying to wait until the embers of this affair burn out. Only you can stop the pain by exposing her affair to her workplace. If you do not, remember the pain from last night - they will be more nights like that, with even greater pain.

Why expose to her work? Well here is what is happening.
1. She is angry with you right now
2. She has already filed for divorce
3. She is not going to accept any love gestures from you (flowers, cute cards, cute voice mail messages) - in fact, they are probably making her even more angrier at you. Why? Because in her eyes - YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
4. She likes/loves being with OM
5. OM is satisfying her needs

So why expose to her work?
1. It ends the affair and gives you a fair fighting chance to save your marriage by kicking her off the fence or getting her out of the affair fog.

At the end of the day - it is your choice. I can tell you are in a lot of pain - but if you don't end the affair - this pain you are feeling - it's only the beginning. It took me waking up in the middle of the night crying like a little child so loudly that it woke my wife. She tried to comfort me. I was so disgusted that I told her not to touch me. That very day I exposed to her work. The affair was over from that moment. She and the OM were let go from the company - and we moved out of the state a few months later. Thats what it took for me to wake up - to be a man, and reclaim my masculinity - hitting rock bottom.

If I can impart one thing to you - it's you don't have to feel the pain that I felt - you can spare yourself this agony and trauma. You don't have to follow my footsteps. But sadly I feel that you do need to feel that searing pain to wake you up and force you to act.

EDIT: BTW - the second you expose to her workplace - guess what? She's going to open dialogue with you. Will she be angry/pissed - you bet. Will it be another level of pissed/angry? Hardly. Why? Because you had the strength to stand up and fight for your marriage instead of sit back and let your wife leave. Your actions tell her and dictate how much you really care for her and want her back.

Last edited by everythingcracks; 09/11/13 09:00 PM.

There is a crack in everything - it's how the light gets in.
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Ok so I was sitting on my front porch just to get out of the house for a little bit and I saw WS back out of OM driveway. She didn't turn her lights on trying to be sneaky. Then about 20 minutes later WS walked back down to OM house. I cant do this anymore I am tired of being hurt if WS wants to be with a loser so be it.

I deleted all pics of her and I on FB and changed our relationship status to its complicated. Immediately WS future sister in laws sister liked it and commented "if that's what you want to call it."

I deserve better than this. I shouldn't have to be treated like this. Obviously WS doesn't care how I feel about this or she wouldn't be doing what she is doing. Sorry guys I just cant take this kind of treatment anymore. I am at a loss and still love her I just deserve better. I am a good man and I have done a lot for our life and it is unappreciated. Its time to start making moves in a positive direction.

L&S

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EXPOSE TO HER WORK.

"It's complicated" is not cutting it.

She is walking all over you and hating you because YOU WILL NOT STOP HER!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Once again I acted solely on emotions. Now I regret what I did. I changed my status back to married but it is pending request from WS. I am all over the place and don't know what to do. This sucks. Now I know I really screwed up. I am going to bed.

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Originally Posted By: lost_scared
Ok so I was sitting on my front porch just to get out of the house for a little bit and I saw WS back out of OM driveway. She didn't turn her lights on trying to be sneaky. Then about 20 minutes later WS walked back down to OM house. I cant do this anymore I am tired of being hurt if WS wants to be with a loser so be it.

I deleted all pics of her and I on FB and changed our relationship status to its complicated. Immediately WS future sister in laws sister liked it and commented "if that's what you want to call it."

I deserve better than this. I shouldn't have to be treated like this. Obviously WS doesn't care how I feel about this or she wouldn't be doing what she is doing. Sorry guys I just cant take this kind of treatment anymore. I am at a loss and still love her I just deserve better. I am a good man and I have done a lot for our life and it is unappreciated. Its time to start making moves in a positive direction.

L&S


As I stated earlier she will mostly likely spend the night with the OM - I expected that. And that pain you felt, it's only the beginning - but your not quite there yet. When you hit that breaking point you will know - and once you do you will expose her affair to her work.

We all don't instantaneously take the actions that are required even though we know it's the right course of action - we are all human, and for some, it takes time - but we all get there. You too will get to that point in your own time.

Continue to read Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair, it will provide you with some insight into your wife's behavior and hopefully the strength you will need moving forward.

Best of luck lost_scared.


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Hitting the breaking point and "knowing" is not the key to exposure. "In your own time" should never apply when a wayward is involved!

Exposure needs to be done without dithering around and wasting precious time!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted By: karmasrose
Hitting the breaking point and "knowing" is not the key to exposure. "In your own time" should never apply when a wayward is involved!

Exposure needs to be done without dithering around and wasting precious time!


I agree. It should be done immediately. No BS should wait to expose - and yet he won't expose his wife's affair to her workplace. Regardless of how we coax, give logical reasons as to why exposure needs to be done - he still won't do it. He will only expose when he is ready to expose. When he gets to that point he will expose.
We could post reason after reason after reason until our fingers are raw to the bone on our keyboards - at the end of the day he will only expose when he makes up his mind to expose to his wife's workplace.


There is a crack in everything - it's how the light gets in.
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I have never understood the "won't expose" mindset since I arrived here.

If OM were stealing BH's cable service, he'd report it. If he were siphoning gas from BH's car, he'd take action. But as long as OM is merely using BH's wife for carnal/emotional pleasure, it's not important enough to make efforts to halt.

I just do NOT get it!

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
I have never understood the "won't expose" mindset since I arrived here.

If OM were stealing BH's cable service, he'd report it. If he were siphoning gas from BH's car, he'd take action. But as long as OM is merely using BH's wife for carnal/emotional pleasure, it's not important enough to make efforts to halt.

I just do NOT get it!
It's because they want to treat it like a medical or legal problem, where there is some sort of implied confidentiality. That is a stupid reason, I know. But by mixing in a little conflict avoidance with the implied validation of confidentiality, you have your reason not to do anything.


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lost...just EXPOSE already! You have every chance of ending this affair with an exposure bomb like the one you have. DO IT!!!!


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Originally Posted By: lost_scared
I am all over the place and don't know what to do.


You know what needs to be done.


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You back from training?

What's the Sitrep?


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Ok guys I am back. Not much has happened. OM did not get incarcerated, he was put on house arrest because county jail was full. I did not expose to WS workplace. I have not sent flowers to WS I have only sent her a FB message. She read it but no response. We are still not on speaking terms. WS is still trying to hide all of this.

My father seen WS walking to our local gas station with a few co workers the other morning and she stood outside while her co workers cam in because my father was inside. Later that day my father saw WS and waved at her, WS waved back.

That same night I was sitting on my porch again and saw WS walking to OM house. I stood up WS saw me put her head down and snuck around to the back of the house. WS knows that I know, why doesn't she just own up to it and stop trying to hide it.

WS is trying to be sneaky and she is not very good at it. I am at a loss. I still have love for WS and still want to work thing out. I just don't think I can take anymore of the heartache and being walked on every time I try to break through to her.

I have not been served my divorce papers yet, but I know it is coming soon. I have passed the 10 day period her lawyer set for me to contact him before being served. It has been 14 days since I received the letter from her attorney.

I was also told WS was at a golf outing last weekend and she looked miserable. I was told WS didn't really talk to anyone and sat in her cart most of the time with a disgusting look on her face.

At this point guys, I don't know what I want to do. Plan A or just move on for me.

L&S

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Originally Posted By: BetrayedP
lost...just EXPOSE already! You have every chance of ending this affair with an exposure bomb like the one you have. DO IT!!!!


This should be your course of action. I don't know if you don't understand or are just in denial but WW will not have any interest in you until her A is over, period, end of story. Exposure will throw the A into chaos and array and it will cause her alot of embarrassment, pain and problems. It will also do this for the OM and the A will most likely not survive. THEN, you can try to win WW back and actually have a fighting chance. Until this happens you are fighting an already lost battle my friend.


Last edited by txstunnedman; 09/18/13 11:22 AM.
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Originally Posted By: lost_scared
We are still not on speaking terms. WS is still trying to hide all of this.


Have you tried meeting her under the pretense of what has been suggested?

Originally Posted By: lost_scared
My father seen WS walking to our local gas station with a few co workers the other morning and she stood outside while her co workers cam in because my father was inside.


Avoiding the consequences, would have been nice to have that work exposure complete.

Originally Posted By: lost_scared

That same night I was sitting on my porch again and saw WS walking to OM house. I stood up WS saw me put her head down and snuck around to the back of the house. WS knows that I know, why doesn't she just own up to it and stop trying to hide it.


The thrill of the A.

Originally Posted By: lost_scared
every time I try to break through to her.


Your not going to break through until the A is gone.

Originally Posted By: lost_scared

I have not been served my divorce papers yet, but I know it is coming soon. I have passed the 10 day period her lawyer set for me to contact him before being served. It has been 14 days since I received the letter from her attorney.


It does not take long to get served once papers are filed, couple days if that.

Originally Posted By: lost_scared

I was also told WS was at a golf outing last weekend and she looked miserable. I was told WS didn't really talk to anyone and sat in her cart most of the time with a disgusting look on her face.


Her misery is not indicative of the A being anywhere near over, only inner turmoil.

Heck I ran into my xWW and POSOM not too long ago both looked like they have aged 5 yrs, more miserable than I have ever seen and I thought xWW was going to cry as soon as she saw me.

Again doesn't mean anything as long as the A is on.

Originally Posted By: lost_scared

At this point guys, I don't know what I want to do. Plan A or just move on for me.

L&S



You have to do something L&S.


WW Are Fun
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