linen, don't talk to her anymore.. Ease her out of your life and DEMAND to your husband that all contact be cut off. I would not even allow your kids to play with her kids. She is a clear and present danger and this is evolving to an affair. Cut this off before it happens. Your family is way more important that these children's friendships. Cut her out NOW.

I agree with MrA's excellent points, but I would not invite her here or try to appeal to her as a friend. She is not a friend, she is a fox in the henhouse and needs to be shut out. I would not invite her here because she is a danger to linen's marriage.

They may be having an affair NOW, which is why this "friend" is trying to hard to further integrate herself into your lives. That is a pretty typical OW play.

Good points Mel.

I suggested the invite as an end result to her agreeing to stop all contact with her H. She's obviously in trouble and could use some help.

If this woman agrees to end contact with her H and complies is it OK to invite her here?

This OW certainly has poor boundaries (don't a lot of people we've met?) but can learn to implement them. Even I had to learn that and there's been no affairs in our M.

I wouldn't do that.

That has the potential to be a disaster (ex, OW could use what is being posted against her, it could trigger linen, etc)

It could result in MB not being a safe place for linen and she really needs MB right now.

There ya go linen. We are here for you and your current situation.

Might be best if you snoop before you do anything.

Your H is a techy and a gifted liar. You need to up your game. There is a lot of snooping help on this site and forum. Others will be along to point in the right direction.

I hope you find nothing going on.

My worry with that is it will give her ammunition to go after linen's husband if she reads her posts. She is already chasing him and one tactic of OW is to chum up with the wife in order to better pursue the husband. I know you are TOO NICE to know how devious women can be, so I forgive you!

Early in our recovery, my wife became upset by the inordinate amount of attention that one of the secretaries at work was paying to me. I didn't get it. When explaining the situation to our therapist, I said that the secretary could not possibly have any designs on me since she was so friendly toward my wife. That was where I was told, once again, that I don't understand women very well. (I did make a special point of avoiding that secretary from then on.)

Ok now I"m completely freaked out. I'm not going to post anything right now as I'm processing all of what you all wrote.

Thank you too by the way I really appreciate the time you all took in commenting!

Linen,

Feel free to avoid posting but please do a lot of reading. Take some time to read some threads over on the Surviving an Affair section of the forum. There you will learn how important it is to discover if there is an affair.

All advice given to you will hinge on determining if there indeed is an affair. Others will be along to help you snoop if you are ready to take that next step. That is your next step BTW.

Oh and I'm sorry you are freaked out but what you've heard. I'm sure it is alarming to hear the things we've reported to you.

Just know this ... this place Marriage Builders has a plan that will help you keep your wits about you and provides you your best chance of recovering from any of the issues that are present in your M ... especially an affair.

You need the MB plan.

We are here for you.

Thanks I am hoping I can find time this weekend to check everything out and then make a plan from there. I did get the ok from him for us to go to counseling again. I did tell him that I posted here and it was recommended that he cut all ties with our "friend". He was fine with that. I think from how he is acting that he is taking this serious and wants to work on us. But I'm still processing everything said here and where to proceed first. Thank you again for all the thoughts and kind words. I truly appreciate you taking the time.

You are looking for actions not words. And actions that are consistent. Not just a few weeks, then back to old habits.

Keep in mind, he may be looking for the same.

Above all else, stay safe!

I am so sorry to hear you are going to counseling. Marriage counseling is destructive to marriages. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and marriage counselors have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They don't have the slightest idea how to create a happy, romantic marriage.

If he is willing to work on your marriage, I would not squander that opportunity on a marriage counselor that won't help your marriage. You can do much better on your own just using the Marriage Builders books and this free forum.

Great. Read everything and then came back and post what you read and what your thoughts are.

DO NOT schedule any counseling until you've done sufficient reading of Dr Harley's principles. Like Melody said you can get far better help just reading and posting.

Well guess what a woman called last night about 5 times. First time he said it was a crank caller a kid ( I thought sounds like a woman to me). She calls back says "I talked to you yesterday." he says Don't call back ( I think that is a weird thing to say to a crank caller,I think that would have the opposite effect desired.) She calls back , " Wasn't it you I talked to yesterday?" he "no" hangs up. She calls back,he hangs up. She calls back I say let me talk to her, I say "hello...hello" she hangs up. All super weird but funny thing is he was a dead give away how he got really nervous his heart going a million miles a min. He reassures me crank call ,we go to sleep because I'm still processing it. Then I start thinking about it in the middle of the night and go check phone records sure enough same number yesterday talked to her for 11 min right when he would have got off the train and been in his car. I confronted, he tried to lie ,I wouldn't let him and he fessed. I'm not sure if it was to all of it but at least to chatting regularly with women. So now I'm actually feeling a bit elated that I caught him. I knew something was wrong and am so glad I don't feel like crazy woman anymore. I feel like the ball is in my court .Do I want to stay with this lying,cheating, neglectful, mentally abusive man? How much damage will this cause my children. Is it better that I leave him for their sake? They complain about how he treats me. Am I modeling poor behavior to them? Lots to think about... We're going to try to talk to our pastors today so please could you pray for my family? reading reading reading

linen, it sounds to me like he has never stopped this behavior:


This same thing is going on now and will likely continue unless he makes a radical change in his lifestyle. It was probably a prostitute who called him yesterday.

Have you been checked for STDs? Do you know that HPV can lead to cervical cancer?