He doesn't even want the M at this point because of all that has transpired with the OM as of late. He can't even move on from that because he is triggered constantly. He isn't going to want to use MB at this point. As I believe Melody posted to you, I don't think there will be any progress until you move.

I wish you would go back and re-read WF's post to you. If you had absorbed it, I think you would be showing more sensitivity towards your BH, especially given the fact that he has access to this thread and has and will probably read it.

A couple of posters advised you to just take matters into your own hands, sit your daughter down and explain to her why going over there was not a good idea and put a stop to this. Despite your H's protestation. And it was pointed out that POJA is not for EPs and things that are bad for the marriage.

I don't think you answered those posts.

What do you think?

Hi 15, I've been following along with your thread, but since I'm still so brand new to MB and recovery, I'm not in a place (I feel) to offer much advice ~ BUT I really wanted to comment on the move thing.

My BH (I was the WW) and I have moved 6500km away from where my A took place, we've only been in our new home for two weeks, but already it has made a tremendous difference ~ my BH no longer has to face and deal with the triggers that were destroying him, he has started to put weight back on, and I can finally see him smile again. It was the best decision we made ~ I hope you consider the advice the vets are giving you on that. Best of luck.

I wish I could give you more, fifteenyears, but all I can say right now if that I am glad you ae continuing to want to work and I feel for you. I am glad you are going to talk to Dr. H. When my marriage was having some trouble I found the ignore feature handy sometimes, but I am not sure if this forum has that.

It sounds as though you are encouraging her to ignore MB advice, but I can't imagine why you would recommend that on a MB discussion board. Could you please explain what you referred to as an "ignore feature"?

I did not intend to imply that. She should absolutely follow Dr. Harley's advice to be O&H, radically honest with her H, make sure EP's are in place and in use at all times, get enough UA time and make that time as pleasant as possible, be sure she is meeting her H's needs, and following the tenets set forth by Dr. Harley concerning PORH, POJA (in the relationship), meeting needs, avoiding lovebuster, etc.

Dr. Harley says that recovery can take 2-5 years, so being patient and continuing to follow his advice is crucial.

You ignored my question about the "ignore feature" you recommended. You encouraged her to see if there is an "ignore feature" that she can use on this forum. Would you please explain what you meant by that?

When my H betrayed me, it was devastating. As we worked through recovery while reading Surviving an Affair and other MB books that I had previously purchased, we actually both posted on another forum (it was a general Christian forum and not really a marriage kind of site). I noticed after we had been doing recovery work for awhile that both of us tended to experience setback when we became distracted by comments that seemed fueled by the poster's own situations in addition to the objective tenets of recovery. I would become unnecessarily upset by things we had already resolved, and my H would become very discouraged that his efforts would never be good enough for me.

When I discovered that he could "ignore" the more projection-oriented comments and we could focus on the objective comments that were focused solely on principles of recovery, it took care of some of the external triggers for both of us.

Thank you mozilla for your encouraging words. I feel like you are saying the same thing that Susie Q said as in being able to take the advice that is being given and look at it with an open mind rather than a defensive one.

I'm not going to lie, this is the first time ever that I have come on this site and actually felt more discouraged and confused by the advice I have been given rather than encouraged and knowing the right track to be on.

Even back when I was still foggy and people were 2x4ing me left and right I could see where they were coming from and there was some direction. Now, I feel like everything I say and do is read into and turned into me purposely trying to hurt my H when in reality it is me making mistakes and trying to fix them.

Up until two weeks ago today (when H saw OM), I thought my marriage was on the right track. Yes, both H and I made mistakes. I know, admit and am aware that going into OM's neighborhood violated NC and that I was not PORH with H by keeping it from him. I have not excused that. I am not trying to get a pass for that and I now know the damage that it caused my H. But I did try to talk to him about this and I told him I made the mistake and we discussed it with each other.

In the months after my NC break H seemed fine. I even asked him a couple times about it. I will admit that both of us do struggle with being O and H. For some reason it is really hard for me to talk to him and the same with him. We were both slacking in some of the areas POJA being a big one.

I came on this site to get help and advice to get back on track and it has turned into me being a villain who has not been doing anything to protect my husband who is only out to hurt him ect...

I did not come on hear thinking that everyone was going to pat me on the back and say I have been doing great, because I know that I have not. Venting on here and posting my H's misgivings were huge mistakes on my part and I admit that. I am trying not to take everything so personally and defensive but some of the advice has seemed more personal and objective than Dr. H motivated.

When mozilla said "ignore" it was automatically assumed that she was telling me to ignore Dr. H's advice when she said nothing close to that at all.

Would you answer this?

Yes, sorry I forgot to answer it. I have sat my daughter down and talked to her about both her friend and moving. She was upset about the idea of moving but she did ask me about just having her friend come over to our house from now on. I did not know how to answer this and asked her to give me some time to talk to her dad and get his take on it. We had this discussion on Sunday afternoon.

I think this would be an EXCELLENT thing to ask Dr. Harley on the radio show. I would actually be very interested to know what his recommendation would be with regard to doing something you husband has told you NOT to do, in the name of EP's. In fact, that is something I would very much like to listen to.

Did you see this?

The key question, XVY, is as follows:

Where (emotionally) is your husband today?

Can I offer some advice? (You know I'm going to!) Write each post here as if he were going to read it before hitting "submit". If there is anything that you cannot post without fear of his reading, and are forced to self-censor, then THAT is something that very probably needs to be addressed within the paradigms of PORH.

As far as the "ignore" feature - I would counsel against it. Rarely does any poster bear ill will to any poster honestly struggling. Yes, there are the occasional triggers of BSs by things submitted by WSs, but get past what might first seem to be aggressive, and find the core principle that is being espoused or defended.

I think mrs cen's story could really encourage you. They definitely took some very definitive steps to protect their marriage and get away from the really painful triggers. And if you read both of their threads you can see a very balanced advisement of both the BS and the WS. mrs cen was never given a pass for her affair but mr cen was not given a pass for things either.

Yes, I have. Yesterday was an extremely busy day and I did not get a chance to respond to her. There is no question about moving. My mind is already set about doing this. The problem with this EP is that it can't be done over night and will take some time. I completely understand that until we are moved my H wont be able to settle down and truly recover. If I could move tomorrow I would.

When do you start?

I did start reading both of their posts and actually had to stop for a bit because even I felt overwhelmed at times. Never thought I would be back in the same boat..oh irony!!

I don't want to get too far off track by discussing another thread since the best and most objective focus are Harley's own words. But I liked the fact that it was not oversimplfieid into: mrc cen cheated, therefore mr cen has nothing he needs to work on. Or in other words, mrs cen cheated, therefore mrs cen has no right to complain about anything ever again.

My H's betrayal was 100% his responsibility, but I DID have some marital cleaning that needed to be done on MY side of the street as well. Creating a MUTUAL romantically loving marriage is the goal of MB, even if one of the spouses has had an A in the past.

That is what I am trying to do. In fact when I went back and re-read what some of the posters were saying I imagined it was coming from my H and how he felt. It helped a lot. Im trying not to take some of the things that I know are not completely true so personally like I was the other day.