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Not sure what is going on here but. I wanted to see if anyone has advice. My husband is having an unadmitted affair and wants to separate. I want to go back to counseling and work on this. He won't go. I know the writing is on the wall but I really don't want a divorce
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How do you get your spouse to go back to counseling when he says its over
Last edited by MBeliever; 09/16/13 10:23 AM. Reason: Edited title of thread to poster's situation
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Welcome Mediamom, sorry to see you here but its the best place to be for help.
Somehow, you tacked on to someone else's thread. Click notify under your post there and request the moderators to move it for you. That way, you have your own thread and we can give you direct attention.
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Thanks. Seems I can't do anything right 
Last edited by Mediamom; 09/16/13 10:27 AM.
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What's going on, Mediamom?
You say your H is having an A? Do you know this for certain? Do you have evidence?
How long have you been married? How many children and what are their ages?
Have you read the first topic of the Surviving an Affair forum entitled Start Here?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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It's ok. You'll learn your way around here. Can you tell us more about you and your situation? Kids? How long married? Have you read this thread with the links yet? Start Here
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Mediamom,
One of the concepts you have to get your head around is that affairs are addictions every bit as much as drugs and alcohol.
Because of that you can't expect your WH to behave sensibly or trust him to tell the truth. You have to remove the supply of intoxicant which means kill the affair. Which likely means more widespread exposure both of your WH and the OW.
God Bless
Gamma
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Mediamom,
Sorry you find yourself in this circumstance. I'm sure others will also come along side and help. But let me give you the first step.
Counseling isn't the concern right now. You need to gather intel about the affair and ensure he ends it.
Working on the marriage will be ineffective as long as he's in an affair. The first step is to end the affair.
Others can provide the specific steps you may take to accomplish that objective.
I am truly sorry you find yourself in this circumstance.
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MM --
Please do some reading!
You need to study PLan A, snooping recommendations on the Operation Investigate forum and Exposure.
Those are going to be your first steps.
Don't worry about counseling. Counselors RARELY have good outcomes, and they RARELY have a plan for rebuilding romantic love. We do!
So tell us, what do you know so far? Who is OW?
Tell us your story.
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wow, thank you all for getting back to me, it is so reassuring to have this feedback. M for 22 years, 2kids, DD14, DS16. We have been unhappy and for a few years, not meeting each others ENs, but then he had a health and professional crisis which exacerbated everything. I have a lot of circumstantial evidence that he is (which is pretty convincing, but he could easily explain)but short of hiring a private investigator I don't have any other evidence. He wants me to sign a separation agreement, I refuse. I tell him I still love him, that I am pretty sure there is an OW and that he can't see how good our life could be. I realize that my words are falling on deaf ears. So, How do I end the affair?
ps, I do I start my own thread?
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OW is a woman he works with, knows me and the kids
so there is a separate forum for investigations
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So, should I hire a PI? If he is having an affair, how do I get him to stop?
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Mediamom,
Please stick to one thread, so posters can more easily track what's going on.
Here's what you need to be doing:
Quietly, snoop, snoop, snoop. If you can afford to, hire a PI. Then keep the evidence in a safe place. Don't bother asking your H if he is having an A. He will lie about it.
Meanwhile, be a great wife. Eliminate ALL your lovebusters. Express a willingness to meet your wayward husband's needs.
Once you have solid evidence, expose using the link in the Start Here thread.
Come back here to ask any questions. Please be sure and read through those posted links.
And please stick to just this one thread. You will get more help that way.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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wow, thank you all for getting back to me, it is so reassuring to have this feedback. M for 22 years, 2kids, DD14, DS16. We have been unhappy and for a few years, not meeting each others ENs, but then he had a health and professional crisis which exacerbated everything. I have a lot of circumstantial evidence that he is (which is pretty convincing, but he could easily explain)but short of hiring a private investigator I don't have any other evidence. He wants me to sign a separation agreement, I refuse. I tell him I still love him, that I am pretty sure there is an OW and that he can't see how good our life could be. I realize that my words are falling on deaf ears. So, How do I end the affair?
ps, I do I start my own thread? Mediamom, please quietly hire a PI and come back here when you get the goods. Don't confront your husband and or even ask him. Don't sign any separation agreement. After you hire the PI, go read through my exposure thread and make plans to expose the affair AFTER YOU GET THE EVIDENCE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks so much to everyone for their insight and tips as to how to navigate this website.
I read the exposure link. my girlfriend says that no daughter should ever know their dad cheated on mom, she is a product of that environment. but then I read dr. Harley's information and it sounds like the right thing to do.
will get the PI and get back to you
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Mediamom,
Keep in mind that Dr. Harley has 40 years of professional experience in saving marriages, and he is also an expert in infidelity. Your friend has no idea how to save your marriage.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Mediamom, spyware that you can put on the phone (if he texts her, etc) is also a good way to snoop. It is relatively cheaper than a PI. But you need to be able to get your hands on his phone without him knowing. Keep in mind that Dr. Harley has 40 years of professional experience in saving marriages, and he is also an expert in infidelity. Your friend has no idea how to save your marriage. Agreed! Follow the advice here rather than well-meaning friends.
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I second the recommendation for spyware on the phone. Also if you could get a hold of his email password and/or passwords for any social media accounts he may have, those are very likely to produce good evidence as well. You may be able to get various computer passwords by installing key logger software. There is more information on this in the Operation Investigate forum on this site. These methods will be much cheaper than a PI.
DDay - July 25, 2013
DDay #2 - January 27, 2014
DDay #3 - June 29, 2014
BS - Me, 39
WW - Her, 36
5 kids
Married 17 yrs.
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Can I get into any legal predicaments with spyware?
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