The " * " is not resentment based at all. Just reality of the situation. The sanctity of our M was forever lost when she broke the vows she made to me. Impossible to regain. There is nothing either of us can do to change that.

Actually, my resentment is continuing to fade and fade as time goes by. What we are doing is creating a new M that was much better than we have ever had and I am very happy about that.

20 year,

You do not even know how much this little bit of advice has helped me. As I look deeper into myself and our marriage I realize that I have not been open and honest and when I was it was usually after I had been hurt and my honesty was full of lovebusters.

One part of what Dr. H said is that often times were are not honest because we want to shield the other person from hurt that the honesty causes. I completely understand this and know that a lot of times I was not honest because what I was feeling would hurt my spouse and he would be upset by it. I re-read the chapters in Lovebusters about being open and honest in the back of the book and I also read disrespectful judgment as well.

I have and will take this advice to heart. Thank you for your insight!

Going to go ahead and open up to you guys and be honest about something that happened last night.

Just to set things up:
We went to dinner Friday and got some UA time in

Saturday we had a talk, it did not go bad, I did learn from this site that I could have chosen some of my words better but I felt we both got a chance to talk.

Saturday night H went to a buddies to watch the fight and then came home. We had a great night once he was home. Great UA/SF time. Cuddles and hugged all night. Had great conversation in the morning. We both had to go into work at 10.

Sunday night - I text H after I got off to tell him that I as picking up DD at parents house. He text me back saying that he was watching the football game over at buddies. Felt a little hurt that he did not text me first to see if it was okay (is this something I should be honest about or just let go for now?)

H got home around 8 and we watched one of our favorite shows together. I then got into the shower. He came in after my shower was almost done and was very upset with me. While I was in the shower he was looking through my phone and stumbled upon my post on MB, this post. I guess he was reading through them and got to the post in which I was talking about the past and things he did to me in the past. Yes, the same one that some of you told me was hurtful and full of gripes. He clearly upset by it and felt like I was trying to make him look bad.

Needless to say I tried to explain myself in the best way I could but did feel guilty and bad for my actions (exactly what you said would happen did JC and I am sorry for being so defensive about it).

We started talking about it but he just got upset, walked away from me, and would not talk to me the rest of the night.

As I write this, Joyce Harley has called me twice. Once to set up a time on the radio show (Friday) and she called me back to see if I can get MR. XVY on the show or at least to send in an email to tell his side of the story.

I highly suggest you become a scholar on POJA and PORH. Both of you.

Trying to justify your behaviors is a LB. Not to say clarifications are necessary from time to time to clear up misperceptions. Yes.

"BH, this is a learning process for me. I am trying to be the best wife and do things to the best of my ability. There will be times I make mistakes but please know they are not intentional. I never want to hurt you again. I realize why you feel the way you do and I am sorry. That was not my intentions. I welcome your feedback to what makes you feel comfortable and also what makes you uncomfortable and will do my best to make corrections. I love you very much and want you to always feel comfortable sharing what is on your mind as it is very important to me to know these things. I would love for us to be able to be as radically honest with each other as possible."

On Saturday afternoon, you disclosed your husband's private confidences and badmouthed him in great detail on a public forum. That evening, you allowed him to make himself vulnerable to you, giving him a false sense of security and closeness by being intimate with him. The next day, he discovered what you'd done and called you out on it. You responded defensively.

If you want your husband to be able to trust you, why are you still treating him this way?

Thank you 20 years. Again, I am taking everything you are saying to heart and really trying to learn from it. I am really trying not to hurt him. I know some of my actions say otherwise but I honestly am trying to learn from my mistakes and make things better.

What do I do with my H though when he doesn't want to or does not know how to POJA and PORA? This has been an issue.

As I look back on the past pages of this thread, 15, I see SO MANY opportunities for you to take what a poster has said and used it to your advantage - but yet it was written off as "assumping" "bashing" or "disrespectfully judging" you.

Any poster could dismiss ANYTHING they don't want to hear by writing it off as a DJ.
The posts that upset you the most are probably the ones that you really need to go back and re-read.

And honestly, if you are reacting like this here, I really would not be shocked if your H came here and had similar complaints about his interactions with you.

That being said, I am glad you are going on the radio show.

Was the affair exposed to your DD? Does she know that OM lives two doors down? How old is she?

This is actually a question that I am going to save for DR. H on Friday when I go onto the show.

Yes she does. She also knows he lives down the street. She is 12

I will go back and re-read some of the things that I have written. I know that sometimes I get defensive but sometimes I do feel that no matter what I say or do on here that to someone it will be wrong. It is a very defeating feeling. On the other hand, if I was not trying to learn and change, I would not continue to come back.

No, I was saying to re-read advice that make you upset.

I didn't say that you weren't trying to learn and change. That is, again, your defensiveness talking.

Your M is on life support and MB is not really being implemented - so yes, things are going wrong and people are going to point it out. And no, it's not going to feel good. Sorry.

In the eyes of the Lord, your M is no less sanctified now then it was before. You are both sinners, and always have been so, and will continue to be so. So any "permanent loss of sanctity" is just the perception of a sinner. Only the Lord can truly judge sanctity.

The only thing my wife's affair caused to be "permanently lost" was our naivete. I think we are safer without it.

Obviously, you didn't have your husband's enthusiastic agreement to repeatedly post derogatory comments about him or to disclose critical information to us while withholding it from him. Every time you did that, you violated the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. Now you are claiming that your husband's failure to follow those policies has been an issue? I am speechless.

When my sister (BS) arrived her in 2009 and was in denial about her H's A (thought it was MLC) she complained to me about how blunt posters were, etc. I told her the best posters on MB don't sugar coat things, that she needed the help and that she needed to suck it up.

Everyone here gets 2x4'd and pushed to make changes when necessary. MB is ALL about making changes. You are really going to have to stop taking it so personally.

I actually did ask him if it was okay for me to come on here and discuss my feelings and his feelings. Before I even got on last Saturday when I first started posting again, I asked him if it was okay and if I could share our struggles with you guys to get advice. He was fine with it. He was upset at the me looking at his past faults because he felt like it was me trying to make him look like the bad guy.

I actually already posted his feelings from the letter that he wrote last year on here once, with his enthusiastic approval. When I discussed them the other day, it was for the second time on here.

I actually did ask him if it was okay for me to come on here and discuss my feelings and his feelings. Before I even got on last Saturday when I first started posting again, I asked him if it was okay and if I could share our struggles with you guys to get advice. He was fine with it. He was upset at the me looking at his past faults because he felt like it was me trying to make him look like the bad guy.

I actually already posted his feelings from the letter that he wrote last year on here once, with his enthusiastic approval. When I discussed them the other day, it was for the second time on here.

"First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
- Matthew 7:5.