Thank you for the support!

AR,

Will you please answer the questions that MelodyLane posed to you? Is your WW teaching in this homeschool environment? Do you belong to a church, and does your pastor know? Does the OM have a facebook page?

All of the above are excellent exposure targets and exposure to them would tremendously help in breaking through the fog and bringing the reality of the situation out into the light. Affairs thrive in darkness, the more light you can shine the better -- You want to create as much chaos in this affair as possible.

Mrs. W

at this point you should also consider getting a voice recorder and secretly keep it on you at all times unfortunately many cheating spouses will falsely accuse their husbands of abusing them and getting kicked out of the home do not want this to happen and under no circumstances should you leave the home

Excellent point. I homeschool and I absolutely would not want my son taught by an active WW. Exposing to the homeschool parents would be very effective in busting up her fantasy world.

Yes, she is the nutrition teacher and Physical Fitness teacher. Our house, along with 2 other homes, serve as the host houses where the classes are held 2 times per week. Different teachers come in and teach in the Garage or Kitchen or Living Room. There are 80 children in the program from 1st through 12th grade.
WW and neighbor mom are the organizers/brains of the program. Neighbor mom gave me the book "Surviving An Affair". She's on "the family's side". Doesn't want to abandon WW. Is very fearful of the program coming to a halt.

I agree - this is MY LIFE and MY FAMILY. The home school program can survive.

My pastor knows and wants to talk to WW, but waiting for her to be ready. (WELS Lutheran - I'm a lifelong Lutheran, WW has followed where I led - she's not too much into the differences). I have been meeting with my pastor for the past 4 weeks about 2x / week.
Also meeting with a christian counselor 1x-2x per week - about 7 sessions with him all told.
WW met with a christian counselor once.
We've both met with a counselor (JUST to talk about what to say to kids, mind you, not about our trainwreck marriage) 1x and will meet again this afternoon.

The OM and WW have taken down their Facebook acocunts. OM's 24 yr old daughter won't talk to him. We figure he has been pretty much exposed, but there are still people that do not know. OM was a pretty popular guy - everyone thought he was the king of the party and the great family man.

So we've (we = Other betrayed spouse & me) done a lot of exposure. OM is on the outs with his family and been kicked out. OBS has even called and consulted with Janice Chalmers on the phone. So OBS is waiting for the affair to die.

However, OM & WW are both in such a hurry for us to begin the process of dissolution of marriage. "Let's go find a mediator this week!!" seems to be their mantra.

WW definitely wants the best of both worlds - she wants to 1) stay in room upstairs; 2) get divorce ASAP; 3) arrange visitation so we don't occupy house at same time; 4)follow through on commitment to neighbor friend/colleague to finish the homeshcool deal this year; 5)be the "best mommy she can be" and keep things stable for children; and 6) go sleep with OM whenever it is convenient

You need to get it through her fog brain that none of the above is going to happen.

She should be more fearful of an active wayward being in charge of guiding children. AR, ALL parents in this program should be told of your wife's adultery. They deserve the option to pull their children from this program. Will you expose to them?




I'm sorry, what does this mean? What exactly is he waiting for? "Ready"? No active wayward will ever be "ready" for being told what they are doing is out of line in the sight of God, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be told. The Bible has clear instruction regarding church discipline.

Mrs. W

Agreed. This is a disaster, and the parents need to know. Think of your wife as a crack addict -- as an addict, she is in no position to provide a good education for these children, either morally or academically.

AR,

Well that is awesome, but don't stop now -- continue to create as much chaos in the affair as possible -- continue exposure. Don't stop simply because you think you have the affair on the ropes -- settle for nothing less than a full blown knock-out.

Do not cooperate with any of your WW's foolish notions. Refuse to engage in any divorce conversations -- do not allow yourself to get sucked in. Let this be your mantra: "I don't talk divorce, my attorney does that. I only talk marriage."

Mrs. W

As an attorney...

I think having "supportive" FIL there when you tell the kids might be a mistake. You may know better than me...but often we see here that blood ends up being thicker than mud meaning your "supportive" fil may not be completely on your side when push come to shove in this dispute ---> divorce --->custody battle.

He may pre-warn your wife giving her the opportunity to spin it to the kids first...damaging them further and making the entire thing blow up more so than it has to. Also...he may testify against you in any child custody dispute and recollect your exposure to the kids in a completely negative manner making you out to be this completely vindictive parental alienator.

IMO...you are better off telling them alone so that only YOU can tell the story about what happened when you did so.

Mr. W <-----shocked to see my wife posting today, "hi, honey"!!!

LOL!

Mrs. W

Ar2kids, the others have given you great advice! Expose to the other parents and anyone else who doesn't know. And tell your pastor he is needed NOW. NOW. You need him to speak to her NOW about ending her affair.

And I would seriously caution you against all this "counseling." Counseling is a DISASTER when there is an affair because counselors have absolutely no comprehension of the dynamics of the mentality of a cheater, and as such, tend to validate foggy thinking. Once that warped mindset is validated, it is 100 times harder to get through to her. I assure you that you don't have one counselor who has the foggiest idea how to save your marriage.

So please lay off the counseling. It is desrtructive to marriages and downright dangerous when there is an affair. It is a serious distraction at a time when you need to devote all your time to your marriage and your children.

I convinced her to leave for the evening and go to her lover's. I guess I was 'pissy' enough. Then she asked, "What are you going to tell the kids?"
She may think I'm too chicken to tell them, but then again, she's probably wanting me to tell them because she herself is too chicken.
She thinks I'm exacting a vendetta to humiliate her and destroy her reputation. I told her I just want her to stop this mistake of seeing this guy. She doesn't get it.

So...what do I tell our children?? I have some ideas, but how much truth about the affair do I tell them??
What are some exact words, from those of you who have had to tell their young kids 7 and 9 or around there?

I want to tell them the truth in love, but I'm a bit hesitant. I guess the reality is that there is nothing perfect to say. And her being at her lover's tonight when tomorrow she'll be with them and teaching in the home will be really ...risky. But I think it must be done. I can tell them and stay up with them to talk and snuggle.

I will have the opportunity in about an hour to 90 minutes.
How long of a talk should it be? The 7 year old may not have as long of an attention span for this.
do I tell them that OM is the guy? He's the one they know and have been duped for 4 years just like me and OS. I should think so.

Just give them the basics. Mommy kissed another man and mommies aren't supposed to do that.

You have to be the one to do it because your wife will only make them think it's okay.

AR, sit your kids down and tell them that mommy has a boyfriend. Tell them that it is wrong for mommy to have a boyfriend when she is married. Tell them that you love them and will never leave them. Ask them to pray for mommy.

Meet tomorrow morning's homeschool families at the door: apologize that you couldn't talk to them sooner. Let them know that your WW is having an affair and that your family needs their prayers. Apologize, and let them know that there won't be any classes held in your home for the foreseeable future.

The fact that your WW is crawling in the sheets with her OP tonight, and then shows up tomorrow to teach children with her makeup all in place and a perky smile on her face makes me sick. I homeschooled my children as well. There is NO WAY I would want an adulterer presenting herself to my children as a role model. Do the other homeschooling parents a favor and protect their families and children from your WW.

Tell them that their mother is having an affair with Joe Blow and that adultery is immoral. Explain to them that when a man and woman get married they are not supposed to have boyfriends or girlfriends. Give them his full name and explain that he is trying to break up their family and has done a terrible thing to you. If they see him they are to tell you immediately because he is to never be around them.

And STOP being a jerk to her. I know that is hard, but it is not strategically smart. You make that RAT OM look good in comparison. Start being very polite and civil. You will confuse her terribly if you do that.

I would be emailing all the homeschool parents TONIGHT so your exposures hit your wife in one tsunami. You lose the effectiveness of exposure when you trickle this out.

After you tell the kids, sit down and send out a mass email to the other homeschool parents telling them all about the affair.

Something like this:

Dear homeschool parents,

It is with the deepest regret that I write you this letter, but I felt you had a right to know. I am saddened to have discovered that my wife, Sally, has been having an affair with Joe Blow for approximately 4 years. Joe has left his family due to this affair.

My wife refuses to end the affair and is with him tonight.

I felt you had a right to know what is going on here because your children are homeschooled in my home, where this affair has taken place. You have a right to make informed decisions about your children.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,