Exactly this.
Without anger in your voice but compassion for your children who will be going through a very difficult time for the foreseeable future.

Also, as MelodyLane said......STOP being a jerk.
Every single time you lash out in nastyness/anger/rude remarks/etc.....you shoot yourself in the foot. Tell yourself that as you deal with her. Know that no matter what happens from this point on

you show your very best self as a decent and honorable man.

Okay - no more jerk

Did you read my suggestion to email the homeschool parents tonight?

yes. hmmm...I liked your wording. I don't know if I'm there yet.

Actually, the affair never happened in this home, so far as I know. She and he kept it VERY secret. Like rendesvous-ing at parking lots, etc. Our neighbors are very loving and some are very nosy, so I'm pretty sure it never happened here.

I don't think anyone is ever really there, my friend, but it is extremely important that you time your exposures together as much as possible. Your children need to be told and the homeschool parents need to be informed too. You might as well do it all on the same night in order to inflict as much damage as possible to the affair. If you trickle it out, you will be dealing with a weakened exposure and TWO rages. Why not get your money's worth in ONE rage? She will be furious tomorrow when she finds out, so you might as well make it worthwhile.

GEt this part DONE so you can move onto next steps. Dragging out exposures is a strategic mistake that only helps the affair.

You can just delete that part.

Told children. Probably hardest thing to do ever. I could not help myself from crying after hearing their sobs.

I am so very sorry, ar2kids. I know this was hard but you did the right thing.

If your wife says anything negative about having told the children, calmly tell her that you simply informed them of what is happening around them so they would not be confused.

Stay calm with WW. Do not let her reaction of the truth being exposed to the children let you turn angry/fearful/etc.

Stay the course.

AR2kids,

Please listen to what ML is telling you here. Do not drag out this exposure! Voice of experience here, dragging it out will only make it worse. Be strong and rip off that band aid! You need to fight for your family here and COMPLETE exposure is you best, most ethical. Use it.

The longer you let it go, the LESS effective it will be.

Yep - she came home and was pissed. Thanks for the advice.
(I recorded about 20 min of my talk with kids, lest anyone accuse me of telling any un-truths. And I sent the first 10 min to OM, saying "I dare you to listen to this". So he and WW did listen to it. )

She said, How can you let your anger with me do this to our kids??

I said , sorry - it isn't anger.

How could SHE do this to your kids?

Where do you stand on exposing the affair to the homeschool parents? I think this will be a key exposure that may inflict major damage on the affair.

I agree.

Have you exposed the affair to your neighbors? They are in a unique position to help you guard against the OM coming to your home. Have they seen him hanging around over there? What did the kids say about this?

The neighbors that we are close to have been informed and have been very supportive. The one neighbor who coordinates the homeschool program is the one who gave me Surviving An Affair. I honestly do not think this OM has any reason to come down to our part of town. It was always WW sneaking out and they would rendezvous elsewhere. I think WW has been very careful to keep it secret and wouldn't take any chances around the house.

But she's pissed that I broke my promise and told kids anyway. Therapist said, "this was too soon and perhaps very harmful to the kids". She wanted more time with WW and me to "sort out" what would be appropriate for the children to know right now, and at their age.

The therapist (and the FIL (who supports me and getting WW out of the affair)) recommend counseling for the children.

MelodyLane - I have taken your advice (because I agree with it), and other people want to know "Who is giving you this advice that is contrary to the professionals who you are paying?" They might think that you are just an anonymous post-er. I know that there are rules to this forum and a moderator.
If I were to further defend my actions, I want to point them to Harley/Chalmers, but they might say "who is this melody lane?? What are his/her credentials?"

But thats just it AR, you DON'T have to defend your actions. They do.

Remember who's done right....and who's done wrong.

Telling isn't wrong, Having an affair is wrong.

Don't be defensive. Don't justify your actions. Stand tall and proud. Don't justify. Don't explain. Just say you're telling the truth. End of it.

Quote: Therapist said, "this was too soon and perhaps very harmful to the kids"
End Quote:

Dump that therapist.

That statement during a counseling session together is completely biased and borderline unethical.

They are supposed to deal with the circumstances at hand, not chastise one spouse in front of the other and seemingly take sides.

Relay that you are using Surviving An Affair as the basis for the advice on how best to extinguish the obvious elephant in the room, which is the primary 1st goal before you can redirect attentions to recreating romantic feelings for each other, along with safeguarding your marriage and family from outside betrayers to your marriage.

The truth is the best defense. Ask if it's wrong to tell the truth or wrong to betray your family. The affair is what is damaging, not the truth being concealed.

If a woman is getting her emotional needs met by an interloper to your marriage, you will be unable to make any LB Deposits to her, because her bank is closed off to any of the deposits you are trying to make.

LTL

I should have qualified that the therapist said this in an email to me. She is on my side regarding getting the marriage back together and making things work for the kids. It was not in front of WW.

However, your point is well-taken, and again, I agree with those points and this approach. Thanks again so much