I have heard Dr. Harley say many times to "get evidence that would convince a jury" before exposing. I recommend getting that solid evidence before you expose. That way your husband can't possibly explain it away when it's exposed.

No. A good PI can get the goods in about 2 days. Tell the PI to get the goods! How can he lose his car if he has a GPS on it?

ok, that is sound advice. I just want this affair to end ASAP and give us a fair chance of rebuilding our marriage. I go between feeling like a victim, which sucks, to I can do this. The problem I face is that I do keep feeling guilty about not showing him enough attention before all this started. I think he knows that which is why he can so casually say "maybe the cousin's wife drove him to an affair". This is obviously the reason he will give everyone and it makes me feel so ashamed of myself.

That is like the rape victim saying she feels guilty for causing her rape because she wore provocative clothing. Your husband could have chosen many ways to solve his unhappy marriage that would be better than having an affair. Such as, telling you about his unhappiness, getting marriage counseling, getting divorced. Obviously having an affair does not solve your marriage problems, does it?

Please stop toying with your husband, get the evidence and then expose the affair. Do you have your exposure plan all lined out? Have you gone to the OW's facebook page and copied and pasted her contacts into a word doc. Do you have your list of exposure targets?

Are you prepared?

You are right! I have my exposure contacts, have her FB contacts. I am prepared, but sick to my stomach.

If you have your exposure contacts then you need to expose ALL AT ONCE.
Today!
Dont leave anyone out.
Dr Harley is very insistent upon exposing as he explains that its the most important first step

Dr. Harley has said many times on his radio program to obtain evidence that would "convince a jury." The PI should be able to get the necessary hard evidence in a day or so. So far it's a gut feeling and circumstantial evidence; a crafty wayward could easily explain all of this away.

MM, can you get some antidepressants for this very difficult period of time? Are you taking care of yourself?

the PI is at the SW apt complex now, WH car is there hidden in the back, but he has not come out yet, that is all I have for now. Think I need to wait for more evidence. I am trying to take care of myself, you are kind to ask.

MM, I know all too well the pain you are feeling. But while the validation is painful, it is also empowering to have the truth so you can move on to the next step. Just keep your cards close to your chest for now.

You can do this ((hugs))

MM --

POKERFACE time.
You can do it! Reveal nothing. Do not let him know you are on his trail.

Good.

We are here for you.

Remember do not confront him. Come here to the board and we will guide you.

ok, I did it. I confronted WH this morning. of course he denied it, then wanted to see my proof, i told him i was holding on to my evidence. he asked who else knew, i told him everyone. he said that that is evidence that i don't care for his emotional needs by exposing this to everyone. i told WH that the truth does not hurt, the affair does. i told WH i am there for him and hold out hope for our marriage and he said there is no hope if i told everyone. i told WH there is hope if he breaks off all contact with OW. I then told him he needs to write a letter to OW, I need to see it and I will mail it. he said he will not show me any letter or proof of ending it if i don't show him my proof. he then said this is about us and not about OW, i told him there is no us so long as there is a third person involved, end it, show me the letter. he then started to cry and we hugged and he said he was sorry for hurting me, then he left for an appointment. any thoughts?

one more thing: he is having a hard time getting past the i told everything part. how do i explain my rationale for telling everyone

It's not your job to get him past it. Don't try to manage his feelings or conclusions. Don't debate it with him; don't explain yourself.

His need to "get passed" it is an attempt to control and manipulate you. Don't even let him talk to you about it. Offer him a cookie instead. Otherwise it will be like a constant siren song, driving you nuts and trying to bring you back into his wayward craziness, where he controls the conversation and gets you to make compromises that will compromise recovery.

Smile, give him a cookie, and be maddeningly unwilling to discuss it!

Why on earth would he need proof? Doesn't he already know he's having an affair?

Just an attempt to control you!

HE cried? I thought he was the one hurting you!


But what in the world good did that do?

You should prepare for plan B

he came home with names of marriage counselors for us to see. he is still angry with me for telling everyone saying that gives us no recourse or chance and that he will never be able to face our friends and family again and that this is just a way to make me look good to everyone that I am the "poor wife" I did tell him that it was the quickest way to end this. he says he would have if I just asked and i said well we will never know now but unfortunately he is refusing to write the OW a letter and felt the need to see her in person to tell her. i am pushing for this letter and he said he is afraid she will make things hard for him if he sends a letter
oh boy, this is going to suck

The list of marriage counselors is just a control tactic to get you to back down from insisting he do the only things that will help, like go no contact for life with her.

After the letter he blocks all contact from her (changes phone numbers, email addresses, etc.) so there is no way she can make things hard for him.

It will be a lot harder for him to lose his marriage!

Don't listen to his "reasons" (excuses). They are irrelevant. Let him have his own little debate about whether he's going to do it or not - but by himself in an empty room. Change the subject or walk away when he starts talking about it.