This is my first post on here. So here's the story.

On July 27th my partner did not come home. She claimed she was staying at a friends house and had to much to drink. I didn't think anything of it. We have been together for 4.5 years and she has never given me a reason to not trust her.

When she came home the next day, she said she wanted to leave. I begged her to stay as I was shocked and could not believe what I was hearing. Over the next couple days, she said she needed space and stuff. I gave it to her.

I came home after 2 days and wanted to talk. She kept insisting that we break up and that she did not love me anymore. She set her phone down and left the room to get something. I don't know what sparked my urge to look, but I did. I saw texts from some guy and they seemed too friendly. I questioned her repeatedly and she finally told me she slept with someone 4 days prior because she got too drunk and it was a mistake.

She kept saying if she loved me than this could never have happened. Over the next 3 weeks she continued to see this guy and basically slept there leaving me at the house. I had no idea what to think at this time. I could not believe this was happening. Finally in August she came back to the house. The guy moved to North Carolina. He was only here for those 3 weeks and they have only known each other since than.

During the month of August, we started going to counseling, however, she refuses to stop talking to him. She claims she doesn't want to date him or anything. I just don't know what to think. Recently, I found out she was planning on seeing him in October. When I question her she just says nothing is concrete yet. This makes no sense to me. Why would she stay here and try to work things out if she has plans to see him later on this year.

Fast forward to now. I have tried doing everything. Being nice, being mean, being indifferent, nothing seems to work. She is still talking to him. It is less and less but why cant she break free? They weren't in a relationship and it hasn't gone on that long. I should also mention I am the only person to this point that she has had sex with and I am a woman. So yes she cheated with a guy but what lesbian hasn't been with a guy?

She gets upset and angry when I try to tell her to leave. She gets upset when I try to talk about. i just don't know what to do. I have tried creating positive dates with her to show her what we have can be really great. I have done cute things for her to show her how much I care and she just keeps talking to him. I just want an opportunity to save my relationship and don't think I can do much if they continue to text even if it is just a little bit.

Advice please!

Are you married?

No we are gay so can't legally get married. We have been together for almost 5 years and have lived together for 4 years.

Kwarden,

Relationships are relationships, read up on meeting the 10 needs most people have, and on controlling love busters, the love bank and other MB concepts.

Basically this guy was meeting your GFs needs in one of the categories better than you were and GF became addicted to him. Gender is irrelevant to some degree.

God Bless
Gamma

I have read and just ordered a copy of

I also have figured out what I was doing wrong. We have gotten into a routine and the "sweep you off your feet stuff" was no longer there. Also, I wasn't meeting her need for emotional closeness. I am trying now but its hard when shes emotionally cheating with someone else. She is so distant. We are still living together and even sleeping in the same bed but there has been no intimacy. This weekend we are suppose to go ziplining, to a comedy show, and a concert (these tickets were all purchased prior to all this happening). On one hand, I want to go and have a great time, but its hard to do when the person you love doesn't really try.

Our relationship is getting better in someways, but a lot worse in others. We have had some great conversations, but she is still confused and keeps feeling like she needs to leave so she doesn't hurt me anymore. She says she doesn't like to see me upset or angry. It's so hard to put on a front and pretend like nothing is wrong. It's even harder to go out of my way to make things work and to want to sweep her off her again. I feel like she should be the one apologizing and trying; not me.

"Historically, lesbian relationships tend to be brief, violent and unhealthy" - Dr Willard Harley

In his book, Defending Traditional Marriage and on his Radio Show Dr Harley repeatedly states: Shack up relationships don't last.

All of the Marriage Builder concepts are geared toward a committed marriage.

We were committed to each other. It just isn't recognized yet. We own a home together and have built a life with each other. It wasn't a shack up. We dated for a year and than moved in together and have been living together for 4 years.

Obviously you arent committed to each other because in a committed relationship a spouse doesnt go out and get drunk and have sex with other people.
She has caused you emotional pain and suffering; that is not an act out of commitment

Did the two of you have a ceremony where commitments were made? if so what commitments and was there a time frame?

A quick browse of the Surviving An Affair board might tell you otherwise.

AGG

We did not have a ceremony or anything. We have talked about it but decided not too spend the money yet. We are both in grad school and work full time, but are fairly young, 25 and 26 years old. I am her first everything and not sure what to do. We had a huge fight last night and she said some pretty hurtful things. She told me she liked having sex with the other person and that she just wants to use him for sex basically but doesn't want to date him. I am worried since she never had sex with anyone else that she doesn't realize the emotional attachment she may be creating with this person.

I just don't know what to think. A little more background....I cheated on her once 3 years ago when we first started dating. I was in college and doing the typical college thing. I have apologized profusely and have never cheated since. I have grown up a lot since college. She continually throws it in my face and justifies her actions now. Maybe I deserve some of it but she is having a full blown emotional attachment to someone else and wants to continue it.

The odd things is we still sleep in the same bed and after our argument last night she held me all night and said she loves me. But when asked to stop talking to the other person she says she won't. She started cleaning the house and stuff again this week. And we still go out places like a couple but we have a lot of fights due to this other person. I feel like I keep getting mixed signals and she wants the best of both worlds.

I keep thinking if I wait it out long enough, this side fling will end. Its been almost 2 months and he doesn't live here so they dont see each other. They mostly just text. But she cant be here for me and we cant start moving forward with him in the picture in anyway. He is really the only thing we fight about. We have issues but have talked through a lot of them and I feel like we would be making process and happier by now if she would stop texting him. It's only texting so I just dont see why it is so hard for her.

Kwarden,

This is not a "fling" affairs are never trivial events which can be written off by using euphemisms. To do so just sets you up for a repeat of this torment.

Stop having relations until your partner is tested for STDs.

Remember that affairs are addictions just as much as drugs or alcohol.

God Bless
Gamma

Any advice in stopping the affair? Should I wait it out? I have read other posts and they all elude to cutting her out for a period of time. I am so nervous to do so.

I just want to go to counseling and try to save our relationship.

I would ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair board: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=35&PHPSESSID=

It was originally there and someone moved it here

The reason it wouldn't belong in the Surviving an Affair forum is because she is not married. Since she is not married, it couldn't be considered an affair. Dr Harley would tell her to pursue a completely different path:

From Defending Traditional Marriage by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. (Chapter 13 Pgs. 209-218)...

"Nonetheless, the more I studied the arguments both for and against same-sex marriage, the more convinced I became that the fourth element of marriage-that it is between a man and a woman-does need to be supported. Let me explain why I'm now on board.

Do Same-Sex Relationships Really Work?

Traditional marriage creates the most fulfilling relationship that is possible in life. When all four of its essential elements are in place, a husband and wife-and their children-are very happy. But when even one of those elements is lacking, trouble is on the horizon.

It's easy to see how the lack of extraordinary care, sexual exclusivity, or permanence would wreck a relationship. But is it all that important for the couple to be of opposite sexes?

Admittedly, there's not much published research on this topic. As with surveys that ask people about incidences of infidelity, it's difficult to obtain accurate data regarding fulfillment in same-sex relationships. In public surveys, most people will either deny ever having had an affair or, when they do admit it, will tend to downplay its diastrous consequences. Likewise, in surveys, same-sex couples who are fighting for the right to marry are likely to downplay frustration or dissatisfaction with their relationships.

But I've observed hundreds of same-sex couples in my own professsional experience, and they have always stood out to me as being characteristically frustrated and depressed-many to the point of suicide. Same-sex relationships tend to be very brief and, especially for men, very unhealthy and violent. Granted, I've seen my share of unhealthy opposite-sex relationships as well. Yet on average, the same-sex relationships I've witnessed have been far more fragile.

For these and a host of other clinical reasons, I've discouraged my clients from maintaining their same-sex relationships. Instead I encourage them to either pull away from romantic relationships entirely for a time or to turn their attention to opposite-sex relationships. And, contrary to public perceptions, I've seen many clients successfully reorient themselves to opposite-sex relationships. Scores of my previously gay and lesbian clients are now happily married with children-all because they embraced a traditional definition of marriage that is marked by extraordinary care for life.

I have absolutely no doubt that same-sex relationships can be very romantic. And they can be characterized by the extraordinary care I've suggested. But even in the best of these relationships, when a couple has been honest with me, they have both admitted that they would have preferred feeling the same way toward someone of the opposite sex. The truth is, on average, opposite-sex relationships tend to be more stable and fulfilling. And that, in itself, is a good reason to promote traditional marriage rather than same-sex marriage. But there's also another, even more important reason: the welfare of our children."

Hi kwarden, welcome to the board.

I feel sorry for your pain.

Your partner is ambivalent about her sexual orientation!
That is a HUGE red flag in any relationship (homo- or hetero)

You try to dismiss it as if it's a one-off thing for her, but it is not...
Counceling is not going to fix this!

At an age of 26/27 years she does not behave like a stable partner you are to spend the rest of your days with, should.
Instead she is having a full blown affair with a member of the opposite sex after 4.5 years.

Given your age, I would cut my losses...
and find new horizons!

She wants you both.
You and the guy she is having the affair with.

You both meet needs of hers.

Importantly though, she is failing the test of a being in a monogamous, committed relationship.

You should just get your finances in order and split and find someone who does want a committed monogamous relationship. They are out there.

kwarden, she's not having an affair. You're not married. She is dating a man. That all it is. She is not committed to you. You're just living together. I'm sorry - I know it's more than that to you, but the truth is that the two of you are just a couple of lesbians who are living together. I apologize for sounding mean, because I don't mean to - my SIL was in the same position you're in right now.