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I signed up for a sex chat forum a few years ago, and to make a long story short my wife found out over a year ago. We have chosen to work on our marriage and we are going to MC.
I have agreed to delete my account at the site, and I have answered most but not all of my wife's questions about my activities while participating there. Depending on the day she may or may not believe she has the full truth from me. I fully believe if I give her the full truth she will leave and never look back and I do not want that.
Is it possible for us to fully reconcile and have a good marriage if I keep a few things secret to protect her? One of these is quite dramatic.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Is it possible for us to fully reconcile and have a good marriage if I keep a few things secret to protect her? One of these is quite dramatic. No, you will not recover. She needs to know the full truth of what has gone on in your secret second life.
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Is it "protecting" someone by allowing them to believe a lie about who their spouse really is and what their spouse actually did behind their back?
You're looking to protect yourself, not her. If you wanted her to be protected, you would let her know the truth and let her make her choice.
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It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them.
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Where has your dishonesty and secret second life led your marriage? Into the ditch, that's where....
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Joined: Jan 2010
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I fully believe if I give her the full truth she will leave and never look back and I do not want that. That's her decision to make, though. It's wrong for you to deny it to her. Doesn't she deserve to have all the facts? We would never support you in doing something wrong like concealing a dramatic and unsettling truth from your wife. Believe it or not, we have seen couples recover from a lot of dramatic and painful events including serial infidelity. But that's by following the plan here, and that starts with radical honesty.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Sep 2013
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In the past she has suspected I didn't only have chats with random women, but she has asked if had ongoing relationships with any of them. I have always told her I did not, but the truth is I had (and still feel) an emotional connection to one woman. I have not chatted with her since June, but I will admit to longing for her. If I tell my wife this it will break her heart and I know she will leave me and our children will suffer through a divorce. How can that level of honesty be good for anyone?
I have left my cyber life behind me and I will not go back. Why can we not rebuild from here and let the past be? She does not need to know about the other woman or how long the emotional affair lasted. It would be cruel to tell her. What am I missing?
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She does not need to know about the other woman or how long the emotional affair lasted. It would be cruel to tell her. What am I missing? I don't see why you don't think it's cruel for YOU to decide what she does and does not need to know. It's like you're the parent and she's the child. Yuck.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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How can that level of honesty be good for anyone? It has been good for all the people here who have tried the Marriage Builders plan and found that it worked! When I told my wife about my porn usage that had occurred years before early in our marriage, she and I thought we would never recover. But we did! Today we are happier than ever!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have always told her I did not, but the truth is I had (and still feel) an emotional connection to one woman. I have not chatted with her since June, but I will admit to longing for her. Your wife needs to know about the other woman so she can know what the significance is if she ever sees contact between you and the OW. She absolutely has to be able to know who she is. I suggest you write two letters. Write one to your wife confessing the relationship. Write another to the OW (don't send it) telling her what you did with her was a horribly cruel thing to do to your wife and children and that you must never have any contact with her ever again. Give BOTH letters to your wife at the same time and let her send the second letter to the OW.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Amy, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Lee did not deserve. While I cannot repay Lee for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my decision to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
Kevin
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When I told my wife about my porn usage that had occurred years before early in our marriage, she and I thought we would never recover. But we did! Today we are happier than ever! And it would have been A LOT better if he had told me the truth years ago rather than letting me believe a lie for so long. Years of lies hurt worse than the original betrayal.
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Joined: Sep 2013
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I did what I was suppose to do. I left the other woman whom I care deeply for. I have broken her heart, so why break the heart of another even more innocent woman?
We have worked to rebuild our marriage for a long, long time and this will destroy it. She will leave, I know she will leave. I has one professional tell me sometimes too much truth is cruel, and it is better to leave things in the past if they are not a continuing issue.
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And that is a very good point that Prisca made.
The longer you keep this a secret from your BW, the more you just add insult to injury. And the more angry and hurt she will be.
It is in the best interest of your BW and your M to reveal the truth to her ASAP.
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I did what I was suppose to do. I left the other woman whom I care deeply for. I have broken her heart, so why break the heart of another even more innocent woman?
We have worked to rebuild our marriage for a long, long time and this will destroy it. She will leave, I know she will leave. I has one professional tell me sometimes too much truth is cruel, and it is better to leave things in the past if they are not a continuing issue. This is all just rationalizations to do what is EASIER and in YOUR best interest. Not the best interest of your wife or your M. You have betrayed spouses here telling you they would prefer to know the truth. Do you, the wayward spouse, think you know better than we do which is more cruel?
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I don't think I'm getting my question clear. How does it hurt my wife or our marriage if I do not tell her and she never finds out? How can it hinder our reconciliation if she never knows?
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I don't think I'm getting my question clear. How does it hurt my wife or our marriage if I do not tell her and she never finds out? How can it hinder our reconciliation if she never knows? To have a good marriage, she has to be married to a man who cares to her and wouldn't do cruel things like that to her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When I told my wife about my porn usage that had occurred years before early in our marriage, she and I thought we would never recover. But we did! Today we are happier than ever! And it would have been A LOT better if he had told me the truth years ago rather than letting me believe a lie for so long. Years of lies hurt worse than the original betrayal.Take heed.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I don't think I'm getting my question clear. How does it hurt my wife or our marriage if I do not tell her and she never finds out? How can it hinder our reconciliation if she never knows? An affair is an addiction. As an addict, you need help to protect against another relapse. That is why exposing your addiction (the affair) is the best possible way to guarantee your wife's security.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't think I'm getting my question clear. How does it hurt my wife or our marriage if I do not tell her and she never finds out? How can it hinder our reconciliation if she never knows? It WILL hurt your wife and your marriage. You already said, "Depending on the day she may or may not believe she has the full truth from me." Don't you think her feeling that way is hurting her and your marriage? I'm speaking from experience. I found out about my husband's affair 4 1/2 years AFTER the fact. During that time, he tried to restart the affair - because he was addicted, as you are. TRUST me - the additional years of lies did hurt our marriage. It is very difficult to find out how many years of my life were a lie. And it hurt my husband too - he has said that the guilt was eating him up inside. He also thought I would leave if I found out. I would've thought so too. The truth is that your wife MAY leave you, or she may not, but she deserves the FULL truth. Do the right thing. You can't build a happy marriage on lies.
me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13
D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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