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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair Is there any hope left for my marriage?

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Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755481 09/17/13 06:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357 M maritalbliss Member
maritalbliss Member M Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357	Quote This morning my DD said to WW something to the effect of "Daddy said you would stay if we gave Mommy lots of hugs and cuddles." Did you actually say this? You shouldn't have. The burden of keeping mommy home has nothing to do with what your kids do, or don't do. Quote MIL is encouraging her to take care of herself and stand on her own two feet. Without a gentleman friend for the time being, I will wager that your WW would not leave unless there was a man in the picture. She isn't going to leave and 'stand on her own two feet'. WW's don't leave their house and children unless they have another offer that they perceive is better. OM is that offer. Don't EVER tell your WW that the kids are your secret weapon. I may have missed some of your posts: are you actually considering having her live with you as a roommate, now or after divorce?? D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? maritalbliss #2755495 09/17/13 07:03 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	Originally Posted by maritalbliss Quote This morning my DD said to WW something to the effect of "Daddy said you would stay if we gave Mommy lots of hugs and cuddles." Did you actually say this? You shouldn't have. The burden of keeping mommy home has nothing to do with what your kids do, or don't do. Quote MIL is encouraging her to take care of herself and stand on her own two feet. Without a gentleman friend for the time being, I will wager that your WW would not leave unless there was a man in the picture. She isn't going to leave and 'stand on her own two feet'. WW's don't leave their house and children unless they have another offer that they perceive is better. OM is that offer. Don't EVER tell your WW that the kids are your secret weapon. I may have missed some of your posts: are you actually considering having her live with you as a roommate, now or after divorce?? No I didn't actually say that. My DD interpreted it that way. I wanted them to be extra nice to Mommy because she was feeling bad. I didn't say the kids are my secret weapon, I was referring to Family Commitment. No man can fill this need greater than a father. It was the only EN I could meet for her while she was living with POSOM. I said it was my secret weapon when we were discussing the EN in the SAA book. I was considering it as "married roommates". I at one time considered it after divorce to facilitate more Plan A and UA time to reestablish a connection with her. She was on board with the idea, but this was a horrible thought. It doesn't matter now, she's not coming back and I know how bad and idea it was to try. Note to other BH in a divorce proceeding watch yourself. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755500 09/17/13 07:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork K karmasrose Member
karmasrose Member K Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork	If you're going to divorce, you should divorce. Planning to divorce to get Plan A time doesn't make any sense. Those who reunite after divorce usually do so because the wayward has come hat in hand ready to make all the changes, and it doesn't sound like that'd be the case...and since you'd be divorced I don't see it working out for you, since she would have a green card to date other people. One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger I will not spend my life this way.

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? karmasrose #2755503 09/17/13 07:22 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	hey karma long time no see. I miss your insights. You're right it doesn't make sense, we're going to actually do it this time. I would like nothing better than to reunite with her some time in the future. My heart is in pieces now and I really can't take all the swings and roller coaster ride any longer, and neither can she. I certainly expect her to date others. We'll see what the future holds. In the meantime there's PR to work on. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755504 09/17/13 07:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork K karmasrose Member
karmasrose Member K Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork	Please do not give her a fantasy divorce. It would be the worst for your feelings. One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger I will not spend my life this way.

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755506 09/17/13 07:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357 M maritalbliss Member
maritalbliss Member M Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357	Quote I wanted them to be extra nice to Mommy because she was feeling bad. No. Don't say this again. Mommy is feeling bad, because Mommy is BEING bad. Don't confuse them. Have you exposed the affair to them? D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? karmasrose #2755507 09/17/13 07:30 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	Please describe fantasy divorce? I'm going to have majority custody and she will have standard visitation, and she will pay reduced child support until she gets a worthwhile job. Then I'll go back for full support. Best I'd get right now is about $50 a month plus medical support of about $45. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? maritalbliss #2755508 09/17/13 07:32 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	Originally Posted by maritalbliss Quote I wanted them to be extra nice to Mommy because she was feeling bad. No. Don't say this again. Mommy is feeling bad, because Mommy is BEING bad. Don't confuse them. Have you exposed the affair to them? Good way to put it. Yes I exposed to them age appropriately. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755509 09/17/13 07:35 PM
Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork K karmasrose Member
karmasrose Member K Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork	Meaning, don't try to do Plan A things at all, don't be super friendly co-parenting, etc. The vets could give you better definition. Go totally dark. If you don't she will have no reason to come back to you if she DOES suddenly change. One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger I will not spend my life this way.

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755514 09/17/13 07:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357 M maritalbliss Member
maritalbliss Member M Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 12,357	Quote Good way to put it. Yes I exposed to them age appropriately. I'm going to assume that this means that you exposed your WW's affair to them; not "mommy and daddy aren't getting along" - You specifically told them that mommy has a boyfriend, and that is wrong when she is married to daddy. You worded it that way, correct? Because you are currently shielding your WW from the fallout of her affair if you aren't letting your kids know the truth of their family's problem. D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? karmasrose #2755517 09/17/13 07:48 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	Originally Posted by maritalbliss Quote Good way to put it. Yes I exposed to them age appropriately. I'm going to assume that this means that you exposed your WW's affair to them; not "mommy and daddy aren't getting along" - You specifically told them that mommy has a boyfriend, and that is wrong when she is married to daddy. You worded it that way, correct? Because you are currently shielding your WW from the fallout of her affair if you aren't letting your kids know the truth of their family's problem. yes verbatim Originally Posted by karmasrose Meaning, don't try to do Plan A things at all, don't be super friendly co-parenting, etc. The vets could give you better definition. Go totally dark. If you don't she will have no reason to come back to you if she DOES suddenly change. This will be difficult. I planned to use my home for the childcare times when she has them and I'm away. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? karmasrose #2755522 09/17/13 08:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 7,449 S SusieQ Member
SusieQ Member S Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 7,449	Originally Posted by karmasrose Meaning, don't try to do Plan A things at all, don't be super friendly co-parenting, etc. The vets could give you better definition. Go totally dark. If you don't she will have no reason to come back to you if she DOES suddenly change. I see that you are still hoping for reconciliation at some point and it concerns me that you did not address my post to you about EPs. I discussed the topic of recovering with a serial cheater at length with Dr Harley. Unless she is willing to implement EPs to a degree that eliminates almost all opportunity for an affair then R is not going to be possible. The other thing that I want you to consider is that she has had a SSL (secret second life) for basically your entire M from what I have read here. This (dishonesty) has likely become second nature to her and will be a VERY hard habit for her to break. Lastly, I hope you realize that it is impossible to get a WS to fall back in love with you when she refuses to close her LB$ to others. Even if this current affair ends, without the EPs in place that I mentioned, there will just be OM4, 5 and 6 for a cheater like this. Hang in there. Ddays 2007 and 2011 Plan B 6/21/11 Divorced July 2012 2 kids How to Plan B Correctly Parallel Parenting in Plan B

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? SusieQ #2755530 09/17/13 08:29 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	Originally Posted by SusieQ Originally Posted by mijunleigh Thanks JK. I've had the VAR on hand. I really hate to go through with the D but i guess i really do have to. She only did it today a few minutes before i posted. Unfortunately the guy lives 3 blocks from me and 1 block from her employer. she said she stopped by tk give the POSOM the money she owed him. Said she felt better about leaving him because she now doesnt have to worry so much that she ruined his life. I almost choked holding in that response. Some things waywards say about give me a coronary! I really cant afford to move, i have no savings and no hope of finding a rent/living situation like i have now. I think i do need to get her out, hopefully to her parents; otherwiss she's gonna end up in some bad situation or another. I'm really scared for her. I just wish she cared enough to give my opinions some thought beyond instant rejection. As long as the OM is a couple of blocks away, R really isn't going to be possible. Even if you were to move away and end THIS affair, because your WW is a serial cheater, you realize that you would need even more EPs? ALL opportunity for an affair would need to be eliminated. That means that you spend all free time together. Your WW probably shouldn't do things like errands and shopping without you and probably shouldn't have open access to the internet. Sorry about that SusieQ Yes she's a serial cheater, and I'm aware that I would need super extraordinary precautions with her. If she is willing to go with it in the future we'll see. She and I discussed many of these things together at length, and she had done most of them. WW actually brought this up today while she was sniping at me and I said something about her not taking any of my recommendations seriously. She countered with how she had killed online presence, changed numbers, and was deleting her email accounts to keep away from POSOM. Didn't take long for him to get through to her. Wonder how long before she's back living with him. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755725 09/18/13 10:07 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	Ugh. Waywards are so frustrating. One day we're moving out because I'm hated and uncomfortable to be around, the next she's happy as a clam watching the kids in my house no less, texting on her phone all day and sitting on the couch. All. Day. Long. LITERALLY. I saw it. When she wasn't there she was napping with DD in my bed. Even so comfortable that she put on PJs to get more comfy before I arrived home and she had to leave and go back to MIL's place. My brain melts at the concept. I'm going to bed. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755857 09/19/13 02:06 PM
Joined: Sep 2012 Posts: 1,650 D Darkguy Member
Darkguy Member D Joined: Sep 2012 Posts: 1,650	Who is she texting? Are you still snooping?? Seems she is cake eating at your expense. What is your next step? Have you brought the idea of her coming to the forum? If she can text all day she can come here.

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755921 09/19/13 10:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2011 Posts: 11,239 Another universe J Jedi_Knight Member
Jedi_Knight Member J Joined: Nov 2011 Posts: 11,239 Another universe	I read your updates. I suggest you go into immediate Plan B. Drop plans on saving your marriage and focus on your kids. End all text nessages with her. Don't beg her to be your roomate. Get this divorce asap. And get a thorough background check on OM. If she has drug issues you should seek full custody Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 09/19/13 10:27 PM.

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2755991 09/20/13 08:25 AM
Joined: Sep 2012 Posts: 1,650 D Darkguy Member
Darkguy Member D Joined: Sep 2012 Posts: 1,650	She came back to woo you into submission and giving her an easy divorce. My guess is POSOM threw the fact she's a cheater in her face so now she wants a quick divorce. Don't be amicable, don't file yourself retain a lawyer and get everything you want. Starting with full custody and if she has drug issues (which is likely) go for state supervised visitation. You sir are being worked over, she had SF with you to get what she wanted and that's why it felt horrible for her. Fight for your marriage and don't lay down. Write her a letter stating what it will take for you to stay married to her. Also, add if she isn't willing she needs to leave and find other living arrangements. I would write Dr. Harley to see if he feels you should stay in Plan A or go to Plan B. I know he prefers men to Plan A until divorce but how are you holding up mentally?

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? Darkguy #2756033 09/20/13 11:12 AM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	She currently lives with her parents. Her work and the kids are all right by my house and so is POSOM. I have informed her that she will not get to see her kids if she goes back to live with POSOM. She has only done drugs when in his environment. She quit smoking pot about a month ago and I and her parents have been keeping a close eye on her since she's been away from him. No sign that she's used again. I do agree she is feeling guilt for the SF with me. She feels bad because she loves him and not me but did it with me anyway because she needed it. That I think is why she felt as horrible about it as she did and claims it was as what she said. Mentally I'm doing OK. A little broken-hearted from the most recent turn of events. She already knows what it would take. In her head though it's me that needs to make some serious changes for her to want to stay. Meanwhile she says my conditions are a way for me to control her for the rest of her life, and be creepy, and invade her emotional and personal space/privacy. She's not ready, and won't be anytime soon. BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

Re: Is there any hope left for my marriage? mijunleigh #2756065 09/20/13 12:12 PM
Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240 M mijunleigh OP Member
OP mijunleigh Member M Joined: May 2012 Posts: 240	This morning I got a call from her because her tire blew out on the way to my house to pick up our DD and she needed help. I came with our DD changed it out and got her back in business. She was 1/4 mile from her parent's house where her mom and brother still were, and I was 15 miles away in the next town over. I later found out she didn't even call them to tell them after the fact that this had even happened. I gave her some money to replace the 2 bad tires with used ones until she could fix her bad alignment and get good tires. She called me to tell me that the first place had 2 tires but was charging too much. Later she called because the next place had 2 smaller tires but DD was acting up. So she just left. I tried to tell her the smaller would work for now (it's just triage and I don't expect them to last very long). She is wanting it solved now so she said "you're not gonna like this but..." Oh OM can do it for me he's not working today and he'd be able to go get them etc. etc. REALLY!!!! BH Me 34 WW 29 DS 7, DD 5 Multiple EAs 2006-2011 PA 1 OM1 2/2012; D-Day1 3/14/2012; NC 4/1/2012; broke NC 05/2012 PA 2 ONS OW1 7/11/12 PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013 Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23 Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013 WW moved out 3/5/2013 Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13 WW moved back D-Day 3 9/1/13 NC/FR 9/3/13 WW moved out 9/17/13

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