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It's all wayward fogbabble and a sorry attempt to get you to believe that YOU are the bad guy and should just leave him alone so he can carry on with his affair. Do not fall for any attempts for him to rug sweep this. You need to expose this affair to all family and friends ASAP. He needs to write a NC letter- If he will not do this then I would tell him to pack his bags and get out and go to Plan B. His responses are so  and so predictable.
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he came home with names of marriage counselors for us to see. he is still angry with me for telling everyone saying that gives us no recourse or chance and that he will never be able to face our friends and family again and that this is just a way to make me look good to everyone that I am the "poor wife" I did tell him that it was the quickest way to end this. he says he would have if I just asked and i said well we will never know now but unfortunately he is refusing to write the OW a letter and felt the need to see her in person to tell her. i am pushing for this letter and he said he is afraid she will make things hard for him if he sends a letter
oh boy, this is going to suck These are the conditions of recovery, and they are not negotiable: 1.) No contact for life with OW. He needs to write a letter of no contact to her that you approve and mail. The letter should be written in this way: (From SAA, page 58)
OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my W and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that W did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay W for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a gread deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, The letter is blunt and severe and SHOULD BE! How could she make things hard for him if she gets a letter? 2.) Eliminate all the conditions of the affair. 3.) Institute Extraordinary Precautions for life to prevent another affair. 4.) An integrated and transparent lifestyle. No nights apart. All passwords shared. 5.) Using a program of recovery to restore the marriage to better than it was before the affair. The "new" marriage will be romantic, passionate, and safe. This is what it will take to keep you in the marriage. Anything less, and your marriage will simply become a crippled version of the marriage pre-affair. Do not agree to use a marriage counselor. Most MCs have no idea how to restore the romantic love in a marriage. And most don't know how to work with infidelity. Most MCs would be a disaster to your recovery. You would do better using the books and resources from MB. The exception to MC would be if the person was well-versed and uses the principles of MB. Don't argue or defend your position or the exposure of his affair. Just nod and say yes, you did indeed expose and would he like a cookie? You should be also planning your Plan B in case it's needed. You should not remain in Plan A for any longer than three weeks. Remember to stay calm and not argue with him.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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These are what the normal requirements are for recovery from an affair. If he balks at this, the go to Plan B Dear H,
I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a loveless marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:
1. End all contact with OW for life - send her a letter that we write together and is mailed by me (not by text, not by e-mail and absolutely NOT in person!)
2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords,finances etc
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.
7. Moving to new neighbourhood and or job (if applicable).
Tell him - This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back, these precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that we can rebuild our marriage using these requirements
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he came home with names of marriage counselors for us to see. Tread carefully there. We were seeing a MC WHILE my W was having an affair. She found out about the A and didn't encourage her to tell me. In fact, after it was exposed the MC made me shoulder much of the blame for the A (not the conditions that made it possible, but the A itself) Her "pain and discomfort" from the exposure lasted about 3 weeks before she committed to R. I hope you have a similar timeline. Dr. H would only recommend that many weeks for your PLAN A. Like others said, study up and be prepared for PLAN B. When you are eliminating the conditions that made the A possible, be sure to look into his "friends". My WW had two that essentially pulled back the bedsheets for her.
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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He is having a hard time taking ownership of this. He keeps saying our marriage was over in his mind when he had the affair and that I drove him to it. I have taken ownership of my part of the reasons but I have told him there is no excuse for infidelity. He still feels that telling everybody has ruined our chances. He truly can't get past this. He says he will talk to the children alone to tell them. And he still won't commit to the NC letter to OW. He says he was not in love with her and that even if we don't work out he would not go back to her. He says the affair is not the problem but our bad marriage was
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DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO TELL THE CHILDREN ALONE! YOU TELL THEM!
He will tell them that what he is doing was not so bad, blah blah. YOU TELL THEM!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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He says the affair is not the problem but our bad marriage was Or in otherwords: The crack isn't the problem. Its the neighborhood that we live that the problem. Wayward fogbabble.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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He is having a hard time taking ownership of this. Again, that is something for him to work out by himself - not in an abusive, controlling discussion with you. Don't sit around and listen to it. Don't even try to persuade him about it. Just let him know what you need in order to recover your marriage. It's all an attempt to change the subject from you telling him what you need him to do for your marriage. Don't tell him there's no excuse or anything else. You can't educate him about it. Don't invite him to debate who was right or wrong with you. Don't continue in the discussion if he tries to do it. He still feels that telling everybody has ruined our chances. Don't listen to this kind of stuff. You wouldn't know he was saying that if you walked away the minute it started.  He truly can't get past this. They never can! They ALL pull this stunt! It's his attempt to control the conversation, to keep it from veering back to you saying you need him to end the relationship with the other woman.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He says he will talk to the children alone to tell them. Oh no! You should have already told them!!! You had better tell them quick before he spins it!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He is having a hard time taking ownership of this. He keeps saying our marriage was over in his mind when he had the affair and that I drove him to it. I have taken ownership of my part of the reasons but I have told him there is no excuse for infidelity. He still feels that telling everybody has ruined our chances. He truly can't get past this. He says he will talk to the children alone to tell them. And he still won't commit to the NC letter to OW. He says he was not in love with her and that even if we don't work out he would not go back to her. He says the affair is not the problem but our bad marriage was MM, I would go and tell the children yourself before he has a chance to put his spin on the situation. While there are always reasons for an affair, there is never an excuse. You don't want him telling your kids his fogbabble that you "drove him to have an affair." You need to be considering Plan B and get away from this guy unless he can commit to NC. How are you holding up? Are you staying calm? Are you making SURE that you are not acting angry or disrespectful? If you are going to be in Plan A, it needs to be a really good Plan A, so that he will have a memory of you that is pleasant. Remember not to lecture to him about the A. You should be simply expressing your willingness to work on eliminating the problems of the marriage and to meet his needs once the steps to remove OW and establish EPs have been taken.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO TELL THE CHILDREN ALONE! YOU TELL THEM!
He will tell them that what he is doing was not so bad, blah blah. YOU TELL THEM! This is serious! You must tell the children about the affair before he tells them some crap about how you made him have an affair! Your kids need you in this!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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MM, you have got to tell your kids about their father's affair. Immediately. Now. Don't do anything else; don't post anything else.
You must beat him to this!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He is having a hard time taking ownership of this. That is a standard wayward problem. He keeps saying our marriage was over in his mind when he had the affair and that I drove him to it. That is a standard wayward reason. I have taken ownership of my part of the reasons but I have told him there is no excuse for infidelity. He still feels that telling everybody has ruined our chances. That is standard wayward logic. He truly can't get past this. He says he will talk to the children alone to tell them. That is a standard wayward idea. And he still won't commit to the NC letter to OW. Very typical. He says he was not in love with her and that even if we don't work out he would not go back to her. Yah, right. He says the affair is not the problem but our bad marriage was Another standard wayward excuse. You get the idea. The uniqueness of this situation is nil. Is your spouse the least bit aware of how stereotypic his behavior really is?
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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He will calm down. Let it all sink in. He's at his most volatile right now. Stay cool and walk away from conversations about why you exposed, how you've ruined things, etc.
Get to the kids as quick as possible. He will spin it to make it like you drove him to it and boo, hoo, hoo. The kids knowing the truth could very well be the death knell of the affair.
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oh geez this really sucks, this is just day one and i feel like giving up. he starts ranting about the exposure, how he gets to control how he does things, ie, go to her to break up in person, how obviously i will never be the person he wants since i would expose the affair. he has gone so far as to say he has no remorse for "dating" OW, again, because his love was dead and our marriage was over. at one point several months back before coming to this forum, i was so heartbroken over his cruelty towards me, i lashed out and said i did not love him anymore and considered the marriage over. very quickly afterwards, i apologized hoping to win him back. this came about 9months into his emotional/physical affair, that i was not aware of, but suspected. thinking that if i upped the ante, he would see what he was losing. of course, that is the wrong way to do things, but i didn't know at the time. anyway, he has used this against me all day long, "even you said the marriage was over", or "admit it, you think we are over, you said it months ago". I am trying to be patient and i just keep saying, i do not want this to be over and we have a chance if you can really end things with OW. well, not sure what to think about this, but he came up to our bedroom and climbed into bed with me and is currently asleep.
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ps, i was able to tell my DS first. DS is 16 and he said he had already suspected. DD is at a sleepover and I will talk to her tomorrow.
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oh geez this really sucks, this is just day one and i feel like giving up. he starts ranting about the exposure, how he gets to control how he does things, ie, go to her to break up in person, how obviously i will never be the person he wants since i would expose the affair. he has gone so far as to say he has no remorse for "dating" OW, again, because his love was dead and our marriage was over. at one point several months back before coming to this forum, i was so heartbroken over his cruelty towards me, i lashed out and said i did not love him anymore and considered the marriage over. very quickly afterwards, i apologized hoping to win him back. this came about 9months into his emotional/physical affair, that i was not aware of, but suspected. thinking that if i upped the ante, he would see what he was losing. of course, that is the wrong way to do things, but i didn't know at the time. anyway, he has used this against me all day long, "even you said the marriage was over", or "admit it, you think we are over, you said it months ago". I am trying to be patient and i just keep saying, i do not want this to be over and we have a chance if you can really end things with OW. well, not sure what to think about this, but he came up to our bedroom and climbed into bed with me and is currently asleep. I will translate this for you: blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MM, can you bring me up to speed? Have you exposed the affair to your family, friends? What about skanky's family and friend? Has the affair been completely exposed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am trying to be patient and i just keep saying, i do not want this to be over and we have a chance if you can really end things with OW. That is really too timid. You need to DEMAND that he end his affair for life or this will lead to divorce. He should send her a no contact letter and agree to never see her again. If he will not end his affair, he needs to make plans to move out. Now is not the time to be patient, it is the time to be FIRM and DEMAND he end his affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yes, i have exposed this to his family and friends. my family and friends were already aware and helped me get resources to get PI. I have exposed affair to skanks family and friends. i know i need to be stronger about demanding he end this. he just keeps saying that he did, however in the next breath he is saying he isn't sure if skank would take him back if we don't work out. i tell him we can't work out while she is still in picture. he says I am just trying to control him by making him send skank an NC letter. he follows me around brow beating me asking "what is there to come back to when you behave like this (exposure)" I recognize it is textbook
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