Hi everyone, I just found the site and would like to introduce myself. My name is*****and I have 3 beautiful children. **DS**** who is a frosh in college, **DD*** who is a frosh in high school and ***DS** who is in the 6th grade.

I though my wife and I had a great relationship, she's the love of my life. Sure we had out struggles financially but we were together. She hasn't worked since January so there had been more stress than usual but we were happy. We had what we called our family fun nights where we'd all hang out together and watch a movie and have dinner.

She's been waiting on a job that purportedly paid 6 figures. There was delay after delay after delay. Well finally the job is dead and I told her she should call back the company that she had previously turned down a job too because she was taking the other one. So she did. She later calls me at work to say they still want her and she needs to go to KC for the job interview we were all excited kids and all. Her brother who lives in a suburb of KC helped with the expense of getting her to KC, I just didn't have the disposable income as I was the only one working and I just don't make a lot of money. So I see her off and we're holding hands the entire way, telling each other how hard it's going to be being away for so long. We kiss and embrace just as one might see two loving people say goodbye at any airport or buss station.

Well this could be a very long post so Im gonna get to it.

There was never a job and hasnt been for some time. The trip was to get away. She told her brother that I was abusive and she was on the verge of suicide, what could he do, of course he sent for her. When there she drank with him and acted like a fool in more ways than one. One night she, her brother and her 1st cousin went out and had drinks. Her brother the designated driver, got tired and wanted to leave so they stayed out and said theyd get a cab when he went home. They never made it home. They stayed out on the road together a few nights and had an affair. How do I know? Because she confided in her brother.

So she is still chatting and talking to me as if NOTHING is wrong but I could tell she's distant. After 19 years I KNOW somethings wrong. When I say I love her and miss her she responds, I miss all of you. I even ask her, something feels off baby, it almost feels like you're going to leave me to which she responds, you're being silly. I said soemthing like, "So I'm still in the plans?" She responds...."You're always going to be in the plans, I love you."

At this point she has told me there was an interview they loved her and she needs to stay a few more days to meet a company executive who is going to talk and start her training. So of course we say how we hate it but she needs to do it for the job and our future. I texted her the day she met him/her and she texts that she'll let me know at the end of the day how it went but she couldn't talk now. Well folks there never was this meeting and it was all a lie, she was on the road with her lover the time of this fabrication. She was with him on the road that day tagging along with him as he conducted some meetings with clients in the area. I even sent her money because she told me she was broke and being there the extra time she was out of the little money I sent her with. So I sent her 120 dollars I really couldnt afford to send but my wife as there and I didnt want her to be in that kind of situation.

BTW, we're moving to KC as far as I know so I put in my 2 week notice!! Additionally my son who was living with me sees we are about to move, so he applies for student loans to cover the cost of student housing, he needs somewhere to stay! And the whole time she is running around with her new lover.

So the lies continue. She calls me telling me she spoke to her father and her grandpa is in very bad health. He is sick with his 2nd bout of prostate cancer but she used it as an excuse. She told me she wondered if she should go to see him now before the job started. I told her w/o hesitation. "Amber, we have the rest of our lives together, you will resent yourself if you do not see him now while you can especially since you have a few weeks before the new job starts. Go be with your family and we will be sad and miss you terribly but you need to do this." She agrees and flies to Oregon to be with her family.

To start wrapping this up. She flies to Oregon and also confides to her own sister about the affair. She later tells me she doesnt want to leave Oregon. She remembers how much she loved it when we lived there and is going to stay and doesnt want to come back. And she's going to see if she can get the job in oregon.

The whole job thing may sound weird now, the reason she said she could do that is that it was with Walmart. It was a managerial job and she told me if they were hiring for the same position at a store in Oregon she could just apply and maybe get one in OR instead of KC.

So I start making calls and her brother in KC hears my story and is shell shocked, he still thought i was this abusive monster she was making me out to be. I even let them log onto my facebook acct. to see the conversation between my wife and I, loving in every way with nothing but messages of support and love. He feels duped. He spent money and charged things to help her get away from an a "abusive" husband and then her bahavior there with the affair as she had confided in him as well.

Now she's in Oregon and I know she had just stayed with her sister before going to stay with her mom. So I called the sister and spoke to her and she also told me that *****WW**** had confided in her about the affair and about how she was stringing me along.

So armed with the information from HER brother and sister I confront her and she denies everything, to this day she still denies it.(I found out about everything last saturday).

She even told her sister that she wouldnt take the kids because the life with her new lover was going to be flying around the country meeting clients and the kids would be an inconvenience....an inconvenience...REALLY!!! May they NEVER find out she uttered those words but thank GOD I have them!!

Since I found out I have been a basket case, I never slept the first night and have been crying for days, yesterday may have been the 1st day I havent cried since it started. I have begged to be a better husband, i know I took her for granted, I though we were forever. So we get into our routines, but I thought we were happy, we still talked, laughed and of course had sex, I had no clue what was about to transpire. But she gave me the dreaded..."I care for you" line, I promised to move us all back to OR and do anything for her to come back so we can work on our marriage, and I would forgive anything...she still denies the affair and told me flat out it is over.

I'm finding strength in the kids who are more resilient than I am. I know theyre hurting but they just dont show it. We all cried the first night but they have been strong and seem unphased. After she told me it was over, she calls me one evening, soft spoken, saying she misses me. We talk, I make promises and she actually says...dont get rid of my things just yet, let me think about it another day or two but your plan doesnt sound so bad. I excitedly told the kids and my daughter cried. I thought she was crying because she was happy her mom was returning, she told me that she was sad because..."what if she comes back and then leaves again?" I said honey, your dad will be so happy and we will be a family again, to which she responds, "but dad she didnt treat you right."

So next time she calls she's upset with me because her lover told her how I messaged his friends with a message asking them to please let his wife know what he did as she deserved to know. I'm not proud that I did that, and that's something I wish I didnt do but I cannot take it back. I'm thinking she's not calling to talk about us or the kids but of what is impacting the life of her lover. I am so upset...I say there really isnt any lover there is there, it really is over isnt it...she said yes.

I was going to say in a nutshell, but that was kind of a long post. I'm trying to move on as I have accepted that it is over. But I am soooooooooooooo lonely. yes I have my kids. But I loved having a companion. I loved having someone I could tell anything, I really did feel like she was my best friend. What makes it so hard is I had no clue this was about to happen. When I feel like I have everything and were about to start this amazing adventure together and it all comes crumbling down in an instant, I'm just shell shocked. I come home and the kids hop on their ipods or do their homework and I feel so alone. What do I do. I decided we need to start doing more things together. We went to a pep rally my daughter peformed in (cheerleader) and we're going to go to a play/production next week the college is putting on. I just want to be happy and doing things with my children is the priority right now.

I need to say this. I will never try and turn the kids against her. I told them if they chose to love with her In would not stop them nor make them feel bad. I told them she was doing this to me and not them and she loved them very much. Thinking about it afterwards though I think it's wrong to say she loves them and that she didnt do it to them. I'm not going to try and repair what SHE did to them. I'm going let them decide to work through their own feelings and let them decide on their own. I asked my son how he was feeling, if he was sad, mad, anything, just talk to me. he responded..."dad, you keep saying she did it to you and not us and she loves us so I'm not really mad." So I told them that was not true, she did leave, but she left all of us. I'm not going to say your mother doesnt love you, I dont know whats going on in her head or what all her reasons were but the fact of the matter is she left and isn't returning. So if you want to talk to her you can use my phone at any time, or if you want to talk, we can talk anytime about anything. But I am not going to make excuses for your mom. I don't know if I went too far but it's what I did.

As for myself I dont know how I can ever get over her...19 years together and I loved her so dearly, and if she called me now and said she was coming back, the lonely, deeply in love fool in me would forget everything she did just to take her back, but the thing is she's not going to call and I have to accept this.

HI Mike, I am so sorry to learn about your WS. You have found the perfect forum, I am new to this as well and have learned so much and been supported so much by these people. I would recommend reading about Surviving an Affair, great way to get started.

So sorry Mike. We understand the wild emotional ride you are on.
Definitely read up on things on this site and know that what you are going through is something so many have gone through.....many without warning, like you.

A good marriage can be trashed by one person crossing boundaries with other people very quickly.

Have you read this?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680


It is a really good summary of how things unfold following a Marriage Builders plan.

Mavoo, that is an extremely long post and I wonder if you could cut that back to about 3 to 5 paragraphs? That is way too much information, much more than we need to give you some good advice. You aren't going to get much help if people have to read through a novel.

Have you told your wife you know the truth? That is the answer. To stop playing along with this charade, confront her and expose the affair and her lies to everyone.

Have you exposed the affair to all your family and friends? To the OM's wife and family?

She knows I know. Because she knows the detials I have given her I would only know from speaking to her siblings. I have recanted her conversation verbatim from what they told me she still tells me they are lieing, while simultaneously trying to have a relationship with her siblings as if nothings wrong. Her brother is angry because she used him to get to KC to partake in this charade and affair. Her sister is so non confrontational she doesnt really want to or will confront ***WW****. She doesnt understand any of it and has even offered me all the support I could ask for, even offering to obtain an affidavit in my support detailing what has transpired. Her own brother has offered up his home to me and my children as a fresh start, as they have a huge home and can accommodate us.

I will try to condense that op when I return from work, I know it was indeed quite lengthy.

thanks, Mavoo! I would strongly suggest you get ahold of the OM's wife too, and tell her all about the affair.

Most people who have affairs lie, but your wife has gone to extraordinary lengths to lie and cover up her affair. Does she have a history of lying?

well there has been job after job and numerous delays that just werent there. Juts lies on top of lies and more lines. I have spoken to the other wife and she knows. Its not the first time her husband has had an affair. He slept with his cousins wife and ended their 18 year marriage.

Have you exposed? To whom? Your children?

When I'm on the phone balling saying "no no no nooooooo, she slept with another man?!?" when I found out it's safe to say they know whats going on as they were within earshot.

That is not what we mean by exposing to your children. You need to sit them down and talk to them properly, and you need to do it today..

I have spoken to them properly. I will not bash their mother and explained they could call her at any time and I would never try and turn them against her or keep them from her, and if they wanted to live with her I would not stop them. We've talked alot.

What do you mean by you will not "bash their mother"? I haven't read anyone here advising you to bash their mother.

Have you told your children that their mother is having an affair, and that is why she wants a divorce?

In other words, have you told them the truth?

It's not at all clear from this whether you have told the kids the truth - which is to say, told them about the affair.

Exactly.

Have you read this?
Exposure 101

Your kids are now left to trying to put the puzzle together in their own minds. Then, your WW will spin a story to them to make it seem like POSOM is just a good friend helping Mommy deal with YOUR Anger.

All you have to tell them is that married people are not supposed to have a boyfriend and Mommy does and the creeps name is, xxxx xxxx, and that is not good for the Family.

LTL

From my understanding, the kids sound quite old enough to be told that their mother is having an affair, using adult language.

They know of the affair. They knew when I found out and I have since sat them down and talked about everything in a more rational manner. They are taking it in stride. The seem much more resilient than I am.

She can try to spin it any way she wants, the fact of the matter is they were here too and they know who I am and how I treated their mother.